I am a 32 year old male, who is single and lives with his divorced father. My parents were divorced when I was 14, and have been back and forth, living with my mother and then with my father ever since. The last eight years I have been living with my father, who I don't get on with at all. There is no abuse or anything like that, just no communication or relationship, mainly down to me, but my father is also a very cold man. I have had the same group of friends since I was in high school, and they are all heterosexual men, who are married, most with kids. I am a talented sportsman, and have been part of sporting teams since I was 12 to this day. I have two older brothers, 38 and 39 who are both married with kids. I have no relationship with my oldest brother and has been that way for about 10 years now. I am very close to my middle brother. I have not had a serious relationship with a woman since I was 18, and that lasted for about 8 months, before she broke it off, for reasons that I never knew. I was traumatised. She was my first girlfriend, my first kiss, my first love. We didn't have sex, she was only 15 and a virgin when we met, and told me she wasn't ready, although we came close many times. I was also a virgin and wanted to wait for that special moment, me being a romantic and all, although we did every sexual act possible, and it was extremely pleasurable, and would ejaculate every time with no problems! Problems started and it just never happened liked I planned, and regret it still to this day. The pain of the break up was so bad, that I fell into a deep depression that lasted about a year and half. In that time, helping me through the break up was her 27 year old uncle, who I became very close with after the break up, mainly because I wanted to stay close to her in anyway possible, he was also very close with my ex. He was like a counsilor, and was helpful. I would call him all the time and visit him, to talk about my feelings. We only ever talked about my ex, and there was nothing sexual or abusive in the relationship. After a couple of years, he came out as to being gay, and I pretty much knew he had feelings for me. For me, he was just a close friend who I would go to when I was feeling down, I had no feelings towards him that way, nor did I have homosexual feelings during my relationship with my ex, or EVER before I met her. The relationship with her uncle started becoming weird and I wasn't feeling comfortable, also the fact that I was clinging on to my ex through him, was making me unhealthy, so I said that I did not want to be friends anymore, cause all I did when I was around him was talk about her, and that I needed to let her go mentally. So that was that, he took it bad, but I did what I had to do. A couple of years on, I am still single and a Virgin. Masturbation would fulfill my urges, which were only ever for woman, but that same longing for a woman that I had with my ex still had not returned, until my latest job where I was working in a female dominated office, where I met a girl who I worked with for the next year and a half and felt madly in love with. This was also a weird situaition, where her friends were trying to set us up, because her current boyfriend was abusive. But she and her friends did not tell me she had a boyfriend, so I would try and win her over. Me being very shy and sensitive made this hard, as it was the first time I would approach a girl, as my ex approached me. Time went on and I did try to ask her to lunch one day, where she rejected me. Soon after that I found out she had a boyfriend. We became good friends at work, but nothing eventuated. I think she didn't like the fact, that I was too shy, too nice and wouldn't make the first move. I eventually got the sack and was devistated that I wouldn't see her any more. The fact that I failed with her and lost my job at the same time, kind of made me lose my identity. I was 22, had no job, no girlfriend and was still a virgin. With all this time on my hands, I started thinking. I am a nice, good looking guy who has done some modelling, who dresses well and does not drink or party hard. Am I bi, or even gay? To that day, the thought never even crossed my mind. This whole thought process made me very sick, and I fell into deep depression. Trying to trace back everything I had ever done or said, does that make me gay, does this make me gay? I saw psychologists and was on anti depressants. I eventually told my mother and my cousin what my problem was, and that I might be gay or confused about my sexuality. It felt good to tell someone and eventually told my mother not to bring it up again until I bring it up. I eventaully took the advice of the doctors who said, if you don't know now, you eventually will. I picked up some odd jobs now and then, but nothing ever full time. All I did was think, I never really went back to being that clean cut, fashionable guy I once was, just bitter and confused, I found it hard to find work and was pretty much on welfare for two years. I had grown long hair and a beard. Its about 2005 now, and I still had no girlfriend, was still virgin and had just started a new job, where I would work 3 days a week, for 4 hours a day. I found it very hard to find any motivation, to do anything, but I worked and eventually built up my hours. I would get sexual urges for woman now and then and would masturbate, but I never did anything about approaching a girl. At a work xmas party in 2008, I met a girl who I was sexually aroused by, and finally took the chance to take it further. She came over on the first date, where I had sex for the first time at 28. It was pleasurable, and I did ejaculate, but only once. She was interested in casual sex, but I just didn't feel right. I wasn't disgusted by her or anything, I liked the sex. I performed cunnilingus, and was not turned off by that, in fact I am getting an erection now just thinking about it. The problem was emotional, its like I get a pain in the front of my head when I think about taking something further. Its now 2010, and I have lived a very, very lonely life, and have come to a point now where I think I may have turned bi, or gay through trauma somewhere along the way through all the **** I've been through, but still uncertain. I like the company off men, and don't get that pain in the front of my head, but I don't think it is sexual. It has come to a point where, I am suffering severe depression again, like I did 8 years ago and feel I need to come out as bi, or gay, cause everyone in my life thinks I am a bizare person and probably suspects that I am bi, or gay. I struggle to get up in the morning, struggle to go to work, and so on. I think its all about who I see myself as and my identity.

Much help and advice needed.

Have you considered sitting down with a counselor and airing all this?

I don't get any feeling that you are bi or gay. I do believe you are depressed (still left from your teenage?), and need to deal with that, to work your way out of that.

I'm not sure how much we can do here for you. You really need to sit down with an unbiased person and put all this out on the table, then set goals for yourself and have the counselor be the person you are accountable to as you meet those goals.

What do you think about finding someone in real life to help you?

Good points

I too believe you have gone too long not dealing with these issues.
I am not a doctor , but you could have clinical depression or something similar.
This will change your brain chemistry and takes a professional to deal with it.

The classical symptoms seem to be, lack of motivation,lack of energy, lessened self esteem among others.
Sound familiar?

And until you are sure of who and what you are, don't "come out" as anything.
Be who you are and don't worry about what people think.

I strongly suggest you find a professional counselor or psychologist to help you deal with your problems
And put them in perspective.
Life will bring pain and disappointment , but you can't let it stop you from going on and living and learning.
Like it sounds you have done. It is an easy trap to fall into and you are one of millions who have done this.

Now work on becoming one of millions who have learned to overcome it and lead a much happier and healthier life.
There is a gentleman I know who has done this and I much admire for his honesty and courage to discuss it and offer
Some great insight. I intend to point him at this thread.

This can be overcome. You are approaching this intelligently , maybe a few years late , but better late than never.

It is time to act. Start looking for a counselor or other professional first thing in the morning.
Keep us updated , we all like it when we hear you're making progress.

When you need to talk, there is always someone here.

I wish you well.

Many people don't fit into a neat heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual category. They might change over time, or it might depend on the person they have feelings for, or on the time and place, such as loneliness and need for comfort. You found comfort in the uncle until he came out to you, and then later loneliness made you wonder if that closeness means you are gay. It has nothing to do with your sexuality. You are reacting to people instead of knowing who you are and what you want and feel. I can sympathize with that; I do it too. If you feel straight but it's been painful so far, and the only nice relationship was with someone who is gay, that doesn't mean you are gay, but it doesn't mean you are straight either. No one can tell you what your preference is; only you can.
It sounds like you have perhaps always relied on other people to approach you to let you know they like you? Breaking out of that barrier isn't easy after many years. A good therapist can help with it and it can proceed quickly if YOU can describe it. A good group therapy might be even better, because the others can tell you how you appear to them, no holds barred, but also with compassion and understanding, and the group facilitator will keep people from being hurtful. And insurance will cover more groups than individual. I think it's more helpful anyway. And last, getting out of the house by volunteering will help undo some of the depression, as will walking, hiking, getting some exercise.
Talking. Helping others. Getting out and getting exercise. Leave the whole sexual identity issue until later!
Good luck whatever you decide.
I have a good friend who just happens to also be a psychologist. When my husband dumped me I was a zombie, couldn't eat or sleep but couldn't walk or talk or do anything. She said 'You're so depressed you're not even putting yourself down.' Even telling others that you are a failure in life is a step forward because in effect you are asking them to disagree with you.

I would quote some of your post but it had soooo much in it,it was hard to pinpoint the singulars.. :p,

In a nutshell.No,I don't see you as sexually this or that,gay/bi/straight,etc... those are labels used by people who need to identify or justify their actions/feelings.Be you,don't be what you think others think you should be.

With the time you have 'isolated' from 'normal' sexual relationships(if there is such a thing as normal sexual relationships),you have slowly built up a wall,one which you have made more and more difficult to overcome.

Each time you have these headaches,this stress about 'sexual pressures' with a female in mind(yet not when there is a male in mind),this isn't sexual in nature,it's a lack of pressure,you don't feel threatened to perform by the males,you aren't performing for them, you feel the need to perform for the females,and your MIND has taken a stress factor into account, it makes you tense up about the thoughts alone of female relations..

You think I haven't had these feelings before,do you think most guys haven't had this from time to time?

So, what to do for a solution,how do you overcome this problem?

There is no quick fix for this that I am aware of,no little pills,no quick words.It took how long to get you to this point?How long do you want this to continue?How much effort are you willing to put into resolving this?

All those are rhetorical questions.This is what a therapist would ask you, not just a cognitive therapist,perhaps a sex therapist would be helpful.

Sex therapy isn't a hands-on type of therapy(at least those I know of)it IS, a serous look at your sexual appetite,your thoughts and behaviors towards those you find attractive,be it the same sex or the opposite sex, or both.. that is for you and a therapist to discover.

Your confusion is just that,confusion.You have no direction to follow through with your imagination.Your shyness can be overcome with character building exercises,small steps towards a larger goal.

I will add this site I believe you might benefit from, it explores some of the past, shames to be specific.

Toxic Shame by Leo Booth/John Bradshaw

If this is helpful,take this information with you to a professional,they will better understand your basis for seeking their help.

Hear back from you soon? Hope so:)

KBC

You need to see a psychiatrist. I believe you are suffering from Depression, and have issues left over from your teen years that you need to work through.

While we could listen to you here, you really need to get a diagnosis from a licensed professional.

Thanks to everyone who gave there opinion.

Sometimes I look back and think, was I gay or bi before I met my girlfriend/ex, and just didn't know it. Before I met her, I had not even started masturbating yet, and I was already 17, yet I had never had any sought of lust or emotional feelings towards boys, or men prior to meeting her. She pretty much pursued me, and made the first move to ask me out. Then, we didn't kiss until our third or fourth date, which was my first kiss, which of course she made the first move. Then everything was fireworks after that, I could not of loved her more, and I think that is why she called if off, because I took the relationship too seriously at such a young age, I would have married her then and there.. And then I think, OK, I felt so much for her because she was my first love and didn't really learn about my true sexuality until I was over her a few years later? But if this is true, then how was I so physically attracted to her, and then fall I love with that girl at work a few years later??

And then confusion and depression sets in again..

Quote:

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My parents were divorced when I was 14,

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How have you dealt with your parents' divorce?

I am wondering if questioning your sexuality is a symptom of being afraid of getting fully involved with someone after going through their divorce and then having that fear reinforced by your break up.

I definitely think you need to see someone and deal with the depression.