Ask Me Help Desk - 3 yr old not talking!

Here is my situation. I have been dating a girl for about 2 months. I am really into her and everything is going great in our relationship with the exception of one thing. She has a three year old daughter and I have a couple of issues with some things. Her daughter walks around all day with a binky in her mouth. Whenever someone talks to her or asks her a question, the little girl doesn't say anything, she just mumbles or doesn't say anything. Even when she doesn't have the binky in her mouth which is a rare occasion, she will not talk to anyone but her mother. She won't talk to me, other members of my girlfriends family, including her grandmother, aunts and uncles, etc..
Even little questions that children can answer with a single word like, "how old are you?" she will not answer. She just looks with a blank stare. Here is the weird thing, I have walked into a room and she is talking to her mother and as soon as I or anyone else walks into the room, she grabs her binky, puts it in her mouth, and at that point won't even talk to her mother anymore if someone else is around. She gets very whiny around other people and just makes little baby like sounds constantly with that binky in her mouth.
I guess the bottom line is, the little girl can talk. She talks to her mommy like crazy when nobody is around, but when anyone but mommy tries to communicate with her she puts that damn binky in her mouth and won't say a word.
My problem is that I know the little girl is using the binky as a comfort mechanism so that she doesn't have to talk to people. In my opinion she is way to old to have a binky all day!
I guess the most frustrating thing is that when she goes to daycare they will not allow her to have the binky. She is forced to communicate with the other children and she does fine with it. Then when her mommy picks her up she immediately gives her the binky.
This bothers me to no end!! I feel like this is really hindering the child from developing proper skills to communicate with other people.
So my question is how do I bring this issue up to my girlfriend gently, without causing a fight or her feelings to be hurt. I need to get this off my chest and I feel like I am correct in feeling this way. Any comments or advice is appreciated!

Hello kinfrox,

I feel as if it is the Mothers fault in all of this. She is enabling her child to act like a baby, and that's not going to be beneficial for the child when she enters into pre-school or kindergarten.

I too have a three year old and a two year old. I might sound harsh here for a moment, but I do not tolerate baby talk in my home. I make them speak in complete sentences.

Yes, you are right, having the binky at 3 is too old.

Now, let me ask you. Does your girlfriend ever take the binky away from her? Does she (gf) ever say "use your words" to her?

Hmmmm talking to her might be a little hard. The last thing you want to do is offend her. Does she have any other children? Do you have children of your own?

She may not realize that she is even doing anything wrong. I don't even know what is right and what wrong. I just know for me that I feel as if she is too old to have a binky and to not communicate.

Also, I wanted to ask, does her Mother interact with her Daugter? For exp, does she read, color, or use flash cards with her? How is she when you are around? I mean Mom.

It really depends on how long you have know your g/f as to how you approach this issue. Is she protective of her daughter? If you two have a comfort level then go for it. If you don't, leave it alone until you do have that particular comfort level.

Tick

Sorry I'm going to be blunt. I may be off here. But this is what I gather here...

You have only been in their lives 2 months. (yes ONLY, its NOt enough time)

To me its obvious you do NOT like this child and she KNOWS it. Why should she make the effort. You are uncomfratable around her, she feels that, and makes HER uncomfratable. She is only 3. you are not giving her NEARLY enough time to open up to you or trust you.

I have 2 observations:
She may have experienced something you don't know about. Even just how her father left the picture. And she's 3! It's almost as though you think her behavior is deliberately designed to antagonize, and you are taking it personally rather than wondering what might be CAUSING it. She isn't hitting or biting you or screaming for attention when you are around her mother, so this is not for you to judge what is right and wrong.
Second, the fact that you are asking here with zero indication that you have even discussed this in the mildest, most offhand way with your girlfriend suggests that you might have some problems broaching subjects before they get all out of proportion. I see no reason why you couldn't have even asked about this by now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

I have 2 observations:
She may have experienced something you don't know about. Even just how her father left the picture. And she's 3! It's almost as though you think her behavior is deliberately designed to antagonize, and you are taking it personally rather than wondering what might be CAUSING it. She isn't hitting or biting you or screaming for attention when you are around her mother, so this is not for you to judge what is right and wrong.
Second, the fact that you are asking here with zero indication that you have even discussed this in the mildest, most offhand way with your gf suggests that you might have some problems broaching subjects before they get all out of proportion. I see no reason why you couldn't have even asked about this by now.

We are not here to judge an OP, joy, but we have to temper our responses. I could have stated this the way you did, but thought better of it. Instead I wanted to know 'what their level of comfort was'.

Tick

I don't think we should post any thing else until he answers all of our questions, because like Tic mentioned, we need to know his comfort level with her first.

I am giving advice as he asked. I see plenty of judging in responses here. I'm giving a different slant. He can take it or leave it.
I don't agree that I or anyone has to wait for him to answer questions.
I think he needs to examine HIMSELF and his relationship to his GF rather than decide how to tell her how to raise her child after a mere 2 months.
This I say with all interest in the best for all 3 of them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

I am giving advice as he asked. I see plenty of judging in responses here. I'm giving a different slant. He can take it or leave it.
I don't agree that I or anyone has to wait for him to answer questions.
I think he needs to examine HIMSELF and his relationship to his GF rather than decide how to tell her how to raise her child after a mere 2 months.
This I say with all interest in the best for all 3 of them.

Hello Joypulv,

I will address this,as for I feel this was more directed to me, considering I had mentioned that we should wait to see what the OP's response is.

I didn't mean anything by it, and you and anyone else is more than welcome to say what you have to say.

However, there are plenty of times that an OP will start a thread and then never return. In this situation, I feel as if all of us, even you, have asked valid questions. I think that OP should respond to those questions.

Sure, we could all return to this thread and discuss it all we want to, but if OP never returns, (which he might) then what's the point? Especially if others need our help.

Again, I meant nothing by this, and I don't want to see you leave his board because of this. I read your advice to the OP, and you seem true to your words.

Welcome to AMHD:)

I have to mirror Enigma's remarks, joy, god knows we have all taken our licks around here and take nothing personally. You weren't being criticized, you were given a heads up (and again, we have all had them).

Me too, welcome to AMHD and hope you stay around to give more good advice.

Tick