Ask Me Help Desk - TheRealDeal's Headache

What's up,

Ok so I took all the advice I received (which was very much appreciated so thanks) and started trying to figure out what the heck I was doing.. So its been almost a week and we haven't had any communication other than a text message she sent to me saying "dont be mad" which I didn't feel necissary to respond to.. So today just going about my business I get another text message from her just checking up and seeing how I was doing, which is cool and very unexpected, but it was cool to know she was thinking about me. So as you all told me I keep it short and sweet just saying that I was doing good and just watching some football. She responds why are you being so weird. And I say how am I being weird (haha I mean what else am I supposed to say you know). She says yes you are you haven't called me or talked to me in a couple of days. I told her I was just trying to give her the space she asked for. She then says "ok make me feel guitly, Whatever." I then wrote back guilt is self-inflicted and that I had no intentions of doing any of that. The thing is, what have I've done? I mean I do realize what I did which you do to from my first post, but since then I have been positive and gone without talking to her just because I wanted to do what's right and give her the space she "said" she wanted. Its almost like whatever I do its not the right thing to do. Now don't think I'm stressing out over all this like last time, because that's not the case at all. Im just trying to get some outside opinions on the whole thing.. Let me know what you all think. I apprecitate it...

I think this is hilarious - you give her her "space" and now she is wondering why you are not calling after her. That is pretty good. So who knows what she really wanted in all this - you say now that it seem whatever you do, it is not right in her eyes. What does that tell you? I would bet anything that if you were still with her, whatever you would do would not be right either. Just a hunch.

Just continue to mind your own business, go about your life, make new friends, and enjoy life. Best to you.

….And so the game has begun!!

What' up TRD, it appears some interesting behavior coming from the lady

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

Whats up,

Ok so i took all the advice i recieved (which was very much appreciated so thanks) and started tryin to figure out what the heck i was doing.. So its been almost a week and we havent had any communication other than a text message she sent to me saying "dont be mad" which i didnt feel necissary to respond to..

I agree that it wasn't worth responding too and it sounds like a ploy for attention, but I guess I'm a little confused as to what you were supposed to be mad at?

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

So today just going about my buisness i get another text message from her just checking up and seeing how i was doing, which is cool and very unexpected, but it was cool to know she was thinking about me. So as you all told me i keep it short and sweet just saying that i was doing good and just watching some football. She responds why are you being so weird. And i say how am i being wierd (haha i mean what else am i supposed to say ya know).

Personally I wouldn't have acknowledged quite like that. I would have said, “watching football is not weird.” One, that would not be the answer she was expecting, and two it would force her to tell you what was weird. By doing that your making her come to you as opposed to what you said, “how am I being weird?” That goes to her

Do you see what I mean here. Remember last post we talked about tests, which this probably was one, and we talked about having her come to you. The same situation but the approach is different.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

She says yes you are you havent called me or talked to me in a couple of days. I told her i was just trying to give her the space she asked for.

Not a bad answer because it does show you are listening. But again if you too nice it can backfire. You might have said you've been busy with something but this isn't going to kill you.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

She then says "ok make me feel guitly, Whatever." I then wrote back guilt is self-inflicted and that i had no intentions of doing any of that.

Well this is for sure a test. Your answer was pretty good too. It would have been great if you followed that up with, “look I'm really busy at the moment maybe we can talk about this some other time, thanks” That would have floored her. That would have stopped that test right in it's tracks. Later if SHE actually brought it up (and I don't think she would) you could even tell her the truth and say, “your feelings deserve more time and attention then I can provide via text message.”

If she says again “ok make me feel guilty” flat out tell her “sounds like you've got some issues to work out then doesn't it.” Again, don't be arrogant, don't be a jerk about it, just playfully say it. That statement takes the power from her, and might stop her from saying it again, gives you power, and makes her question what her issues really are.

She might come back at you again and test you with something like “are you saying I have issues?” You just say back, “I didn't say that you did, why are you trying to make me feel guilty now?” Totally put it back on her. She isn't going to expect it because she's walked all over you.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

The thing is, what have i've done?

You've done nothing wrong. She was testing you. That being said you've given her so much attention, that when you pull it back she's feeling a void. Your creating mystery. Your creating the thought in her mind, “what's different?” Your getting her to come to you.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

I mean i do realize what i did which you do to from my first post, but since then i have been positive and gone without talking to her just because i wanted to do whats right and give her the space she "said" she wanted. Its almost like whatever i do its not the right thing to do.

You could actually work that around to you favor. For example you could say “first you want space, now you want me around. Ah, you don't know what you want.” I wish you could hear the tone of my voice when I say it. Don't be aggressive about this. Don't be yelling it or even judgmental. Just pure confidence with even a little chuckle thrown in. That statement if done right tells her perhaps she doesn't know what she wants, but you sure do and your not waiting around for her to figure it so she better make up her mind. The way I'm saying here as I type is pretty good, so I hope I'm translating it in words the right way for you to get.

You could also have told her you've been busy doing some project and that has been occupying your time.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

Now dont think im stressing out over all this like last time, because thats not the case at all. Im just trying to get some outside opinions on the whole thing.. Let me know what you all think. I apprecitate it....

Well I don't want you to get your hopes up but the I like the fact that she's coming to you. Whatever you do keep it like that. I still say you've got to pull back. But we always talk about no contact here and perhaps she has been missing you. That being said, you've given her so much so she might have wanted something as well.

She's also testing you, and it sounds like your doing pretty good. Your at least hanging in there as opposed to just caving in and giving her whatever she wants.

What up,

All right chuff I'm def. still feeling like I should keep the back up part going 100% like you suggested. The thing is that she hasn't responded to the last thing I said to her via text today... I almost want to get in touch with her and see what's up.. good decision or not? You this is most def. a game but its so frustrating how I have to say the right thing all the time cause I'm not good like that all the time.. haha. Also it sucks to know that by saying something to sweet could put me back right where I was before but being to harsh might turn her off completely. Which isn't good at all. I just feel like I'm in a lose lose situation here. Anymore advice for me would be appreciated. Let me know how, where, what, when, I'm all ears man... answering your questions : she supposisly thinks I'm mad at her saying I'm pushing to hard and her wanting to be friends during the last time we talked around a week ago. I'm wondering the same thing you are man.. I do understand how you said for me to word what I said about watching football in a different way, but should I do that whenever she does that? I def. like the "talking to me isnt going to kill you" thing (very nice). And I gotcha on that. About the whole "im too busy right now can i get back to you later" thing... will that not turn her off bad? Just a question. Man I love the "sounds like youve got issues" in a playful way, that's genuis. So is the "thats not what i said" statement. Your right it kind of puts the ball in her court and gives me some "power" if that's what were calling it these days? Haha... I def. understand the whole creating a mystery and making her think over the whole ordeal.. but again thanks and let me know... One more thing: I am kind of worried by her not responding and how's she's feeling about all this right now..

A funny p.s. for you tell me what you think... : today I didn't respond to her text for about 20 good minutes and before I wrote back she sent me one saying "Ohh Ok" like I wasn't going to respond at all you know. So after a couple of hours after sending her the last text message I basically knew she wasn't going to respond at all so I said the same thing she did "Ohh Ok"... that a bad thing??

TRD, Thanks for the rep and the kind words.

Before I go into you post I want to say that you are emotionally wrapped up in this woman and I want to stress that you shouldn’t give your hopes up. Truthfully, you have a lot to overcome. I’m not saying it can’t be done but she’s always going to fall back on how you’ve treated her and probably want something.

When I say pull back I’m suggesting you do that more for you then for her. First it will help you think clearer and focus more on yourself and what you need to accomplish in school or life. Second it will show her that you are not always going to be at her beck and call. It will also show her that if she wants to be part of this relationship, even if it’s just friendship, she’s going to start putting more into it.

You never give a woman more than 50% in a relationship. So far you’ve given 100%. That’s not easy to overcome. She is of the belief that you were going to be her doormat as long as she wanted you. You are not. That’s going to require a re-education of sorts. That transition is very hard to overcome because I still maintain that the statement, “I’m not ready for a relationship” is a cop out for “I’m not interested, but I want free gifts, attention, and a person to too, but I‘m not giving you a commitment.”

That being said, she might be interested in the TRD that’s not so needy or pushy. Remember I said in one statement that it sounded like something a woman would say? A woman doesn’t want a woman, she wants a man, and if you can sort of re-introduce yourself as a man, by doing things men do, and acting like men act, and yes even putting your foot down once and awhile you MAY have a chance.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

What up,

Alright chuff im def. still feeling like i should keep the back up part going 100% like you suggested. the thing is that she hasnt responded to the last thing i said to her via text today... i almost want to get in touch with her and see whats up.. good decision or not?

NO!!

Look at what this woman has done by NOT answering your text message. She created mystery and gave that mystery to you!! Your wondering why she hasn’t texted back. This is what you want to create in her. You would normally respond by texting back so by not doing, it your throwing that mystery right back at her. If you text her, or contact her in any way your showing her that she still has you, your showing her that you missed her, your showing her that not talking is bothering you.

If you ever have this need or overwhelming feeling to call a woman hold it off for a couple of hours or even a day. When you start acting on your impulse you become too available. When that happens you become needy.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

ya this is most def. a game but its so frustrating how i have to say the right thing all the time cause im not good like that all the time.. haha.

TRD, your never going to be perfect all the time. I’ve had beautiful women approach me and I’ve absolutely made a complete out of myself. I’m an emotional man which also doesn’t help sometimes. You can’t let that be your barometer, you have to look at as a learning experience and move on. There are 3 billion women on the planet. Several thousand of them are bound to like you. You just have to regroup and try again Fail, try again. Learn and move on.

Again, your so emotionally attached to this situation that it makes it very hard. I don’t want you thinking that if this doesn’t work out you can’t overcome it or beat yourself up. It’s one woman. There are only two things you can say for sure as it relates to this particular female
1. So far she’s gotten the best of you.
2. Those days are over.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

also it sucks to know that by saying something to sweet could put me back right where i was before but being to harsh might turn her off completely.

Well, I happen to think the statement “your feelings are to important to discuss via text messaging” could be a very sweet comment. It shows that you value her feelings and are open to discussing them. But the statement also shows you will be discussing them on your terms, not hers. Sweet comments are good but only in small doses or it means nothing. There’s an old phrase that says, “you can’t eat steak every night.” It’s the principal that no matter how good something is if you have it too much it gets boring. Same with compliments.

See the problem you were having before was that you would drop everything and give your time and energy to her. First let me say that’s not love, compassion, flattery, or even kindness - that is slavery. I’m not saying don’t ever do anything for a woman but don’t do it in excess. Do something good from you heart, not at the expense of your heart.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

which isnt good at all. i just feel like im in a lose lose situation here.

I’m not going to lie, you in a huge uphill battle. But truthfully, as I see it you’ve already lost. You’ve been totally knocked out. What I mean by that is she has told you she doesn’t want a relationship, you spend money on her, you give her your precious time. She has given nothing back. That round has been won.

But now it’s round two. You may not win this one either, but you aren’t getting knocked out that‘s for sure. You’ll got the distance and match her each step of the way. I mean let’s be honest in the emotional game she plays you came out swinging today and she went back to her corner to regroup.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

anymore advice for me would be appreciated. let me know how, where, what, when, im all ears man....

If she never calls again then you’ve got your answer that she wasn’t interested. If she does call kind of play it by ear. If she tries putting blame on you for not calling flat out tell her your busy or your working on some kind of family project(I’m assuming your home for the holidays).

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

answering your questions : she supposisly thinks im mad at her saying im pushing to hard and her wanting to be friends during the last time we talked around a week ago.

That’s her problem. If she says that or brings it up it up again, say “Oh I’m not going to let that upset me either you will come around, or you won’t!” Again, I’m almost chuckling when I say that. Not arrogant though. But that puts it right back on her. Your not waiting for her. If she comes around to liking you great for her. If she doesn’t great for you.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

im wondering the same thing you are man.. i do understand how you said for me to word what i said about watching football in a different way, but should i do that whenever she does that?

Whenever she tests you, you should. Women test men. And you’ve got to be able to recognize it and stop it. If you two are talking about a TV show and she says “that show is terrible” don’t start arguing with her, that‘s her opinion. But if she says something your doing is terrible and she’s only saying it for attention or to get an emotional response from you then call her on it.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

i def. like the "talking to me isnt going to kill you" thing (very nice). and i gotcha on that. About the whole "im too busy right now can i get back to you later" thing... will that not turn her off bad?

Well again, I’m not sure you have anything here. I can’t repeat this enough. I don’t want to be leading you on because if I do then I’m no better than she is.

To answer your question, yeah it might turn her off. But she might not be into you. So then you know and can go forward. But in reality, you’ll notice I didn’t say, “Leave me alone!” That will run her off. What I said was, “I’m busy at the moment, can I talk with you later, thanks.” First your showing her that you have other things on your mind besides her. Two you not saying you don’t enjoy talking to her or that you won’t talk to her but you just have to do it at a later time. Third, you not being rude about it but you are kind of saying it with a backbone. Women love backbone.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

just a question. man i love the "sounds like youve got issues" in a playful way, thats genuis. so is the "thats not what i said" statement. your right it kinda puts the ball in her court and gives me some "power" if thats what were calling it these days? haha...

That’s what were calling it.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

i def. understand the whole creating a mystery and making her think over the whole ordeal.. but again thanks and let me know... One more thing: i am kinda worried by her not responding and hows shes feeling bout all this right now..

Quit worrying. This is your time to think about things you enjoy. This is not her time to occupy you mind. As far as how she’s feeling. Well she might not be feeling anything. She might also might be like she’s misjudged you. She also might wonder if there’s more to you then she thought.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

A funny p.s. for ya tell me what you think... : today i didnt respond to her text for about 20 good minutes and before i wrote back she sent me one saying "Ohh Ok" like i wasnt going to respond at all ya know. so after a couple of hours after sending her the last text message i basicly knew she wasnt going to respond at all so i said the same thing she did "Ohh Ok"... that a bad thing???

Well when I read that I laughed out loud for about a minute straight. Truthfully, I wouldn’t have responded a couple hours after you sent your message because again it sort shows that you’ve been waiting the whole time for her response. The jerk in me might have done it about a minute after you sent the text message. I don’t really think you should have done that either but I’m laughing just thinking about it.

What up,

Chuff and everyone else concerned. Im taking in all what you said man. I like it even though your right, the facts are pretty evident about this fight basically already being over. Anyway ill just keep doing my thing and see what happens. Ill keep my mind on things I need to be worrying about and off her. Also ill let her do the work from here on out till I see some dramatic changes or something... I appreciate it

I have been in this situation a lot of times. You are doing nothing wrong. You are doing exactly what she is asking. YOu are simply giving her space. You definity have the upper hand in this case. Continue doing what you are doing. Keep it short and sweet. She wants space, give her space. Since she wanted space from you, she was expecting you to crawl to her and convince her that you miss her. But that isn't the case, you are doing the exact opposite(which is goog). Now she is chasing after you, expecting you to open yourself up again. Keep doing what you are doing. By keeping it short and sweet, you are making her think you are moving on without her which is golden. She probably has the assumption that you are talking to other girls, getting over her, losing interest, etc. This is what is causing her to act the way she is acting.
Feel free to contact me if you need more advice.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

What up,

Chuff and everyone else concerned. Im takin in all what you said man. i like it even though your right, the facts are pretty evident about this fight basicly already being over.

Well first let me say that I maintain my point that I'm not sure she's into you. That being said I never said you lost the fight. I said the round was over. And since were using a fighting anology and I'm all geeked up to see Ortiz vs Liddell II tonight that's go with it.

Round one saw her do whatever she wanted to you. She killed you. She got gifts. She got attention. She got your time. She got a place to dump her problems. You got nothing in return. After all that she asked for space. When she said that, the round was over. That round was won. Won by her.

But during the round you regrouped thought about what happened reevaluated, knew what you were doing was'nt working and decided to change it. Meanwhile she didn't analyse or think about what just happened. She got confident and is going to do what she's always going to do. She's a woman she's going to play these games. That's how their mind works, and they are much better at it then guys.

Round two started with you just standing in your corner. You gave her space. She didn't think you would. She thought you would go to her in her corner, or at the very least meet her in the center. You just waited and SHE came to you by calling or texting you the other day. She threw a couple verbal jabs you didn't respond right away then when you did respond and told her that she's feeling guilty has nothing to do with you she ran back to her corner. The first round you would have said, "oh I'm so sorry I didn't mean to upset you." She would have kept it up pushing you around emotionally like that. But in round two you gave her a surprise answer. She had no idea what to do, so she ran back to her corner. Meanwhile your still standing in your corner waiting for her to return. You are not going to her though. That's what you did in round one before the break when she was walking all over you.

Man I hope I didn't use too much of a fight ananology but I'm so excited!! Totally off topic but if you don't watch UFC tonight's the night to start! This one's been building for years!!

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

anyways ill just keep doing my thing and see what happens. ill keep my mind on things i need to be worrying about and off her. also ill let her do the work from here on out till i see some dramatic changes or something...... i appreciate it

Everything you wrote above is correct. Work on yourself, your own feelings and forget her. If she's interested she'll come around. If she's not she won't. But like I said, there are 3 billion women on this planet, No matter what you do, no matter what you look like, a couple thousand are sure to like you. It's just up to you to windle them down and find them.