Ask Me Help Desk - What am I doing wrong?

OK this has been going on for the last few months to a year, on the surface everything looks peachy keen, family and friends, say we have the perfect marriage, but on the inside, she seems to only want to talk about her day, the kids, (wich I like to know what's going on with them) what I want for dinner... etc. sounds fine right? Only thing is if I say something about, I want to buy this or that... conversation becomes the dishwasher is broke, the electric bill is due, her car is doing this, or kids need something for school, etc. so I will just stop talking about what I was, and humor her. Just to keep things calm, since I know from experience if I keep on it all hell will break loose. Then around 10:00 or so kids are asleep, (and I have made "advances" thru-out the day often they are matched or exceeded by her). She basically ignores me in favor of Facebook or what ever, so I just go to bed. I'm ready to snap! I'm worried most about my kids, and can they handle it if I give up. I have had drinking problems in the past, and I'v noticed recently since this has been going on, I'm hitting the bottle more often, and starting to feel the need for it again, probably because it seems the easiest way for me to deal with the emptyness. And that's what scares me. If it's something I'm doing wrong, I'll do everything to change it, if I can figure it out. Any suggestions will be appriciated.

Could it be that she is worried about finances going to "wants" that you would like to have, and not the "needs" that she feels are necessary?

Do you have a household budget? At least an informal one? Perhaps setting aside some time to discuss what needs to be repaired or purchased, making a list, prioritising it, and figuring out how to get those things sorted out, while still being able to set aside some money for the things you want might help. Does she tend to handle the bills? She may be more aware of what money is coming in and what needs to go out. Both of you should have a good idea of that.

If finances will accommodate, could you have separate accounts to make purchases you want that do not necessarily require discussing?

Have you talked to her about feeling as though she is favouring Facebook over time with you? She may not even realize it.

It is easy for many women to fall into taking care of the house, the kids, and sometimes working outside the home as well, and time with hubby gets fit in when possible. There are just so many hours in a day and many women feel they have to do it all, or at least most of it. Do you do some chores together? Maybe taking on some of the chores, such as cleaning up after dinner, will free up more time together... or she could have a bit of time to herself, on Facebook for example, while you clean up then both of you can hang out together afterwards. Maybe set a date night once a week, or at least a few times a month where the two of you can reconnect. It is easy to put your relationship on the back burner without even realizing it when there are children at home.

Talk about it with her... tell her what you have said here. Put the bottle away, that will bring on more problems, and set a date to go out together to discuss these things.

First thing, if you know you have a drinking problem (no such thing as 'had' when talking about alcohol), stop picking up the bottle and do something else to relieve that need.

How long have you been married? How old are the children? Does she work outside the home? What happened to cause the change over the 'last few months to a year' (that's quite a stretch of time)? Pregnancy, birth, deaths, job loss, job change,buying a house, moving... anything that could cause her to be stressed out about finances and the day-to-day needs of the home.

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only thing is if I say something about, I want to buy this or that... conversation becomes the dishwasher is broke, the electric bill is due, her car is doing this, or kids need something for school, etc. so I will just stop talking about what I was, and humor her.

What happens if you say something about how your day went? This makes it sound like she tries to share her day and you come back with more wants when the needs aren't being taken care of. Then you 'humor' her which sounds like you aren't taking her concerns seriously, are you?

You're making advances and letting her know what you want, but are you paying attention to what she needs. Is she returning your advances or is she going about doing what she needs to do? Do you let her know that you find her attractive and desirable when you aren't expecting sex later? Is she shutting down because she feels like all you want is sex and it is another chore? She may be finding it difficult to let go of the stresses enough to feel sexy or want sex. You can't just flip a switch from mommy to lover mode.

Is she more open to sex on days when there is less going on or you have the day off and help out more?

You need to make a time to talk with each other and discuss her concerns and your concerns. Make it after the children are in bed or with a babysitter. Stay calm and don't confront or accuse. Both of you should be honest with each other and work together to make things better. Don't just 'humor' her. Listen to her. Hopefully, she will listen to you, too. Especially if she feels like she is being heard.

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Cat1864 again.

Maybe she is stuck at home so much that all she knows is what goes on in the house and the only free time she has is when the kids are in bed. Have you no common interests, or activities that you do for fun, no babysitters to get her out of the house.

Throw the bottle away, and reconnect to your wife, and get involved with something other than her house, family, children, and make more love to her mind so the body will follow.
Its your house lead by example. Tell her get dressed, and walk to the park, with the kids, as she sounds neglected, and isolated from what you wrote.

If you know that hitting the bottle has caused problems in the past, and you have problems now, you also know that booze is therefore not going to solve your problems.

To get the communication ball going with your wife, you might try, in addition to dropping the booze and simmering in unhappiness:

1. Arrange a sitter. Invest a little time and a little money, in just the two of you. Go dancing, to a move, out for coffee, dinner.

2. Send her an email, and ask her to meet to talk. Even in your own home. Friday night, 11:00, kitchen table. Have a list prepared if you have to, to voice your concerns. The first one being you fear you are drifting apart. Start the talk going.

3. While you work outside the home, and she works inside the home, your day ends at 5 and her's doesn't. See if you can't find the energy to throw a load of laundry in, or do the kids' baths.

4. If she brings up complaints while in the middle of chaos, i.e.. Bills, ask her to set that apart from everything else until you go over the books together, say, Sunday mornings after breakfast. Just that one task that seems to be a denominator here.

5. Don't be afraid to tell her, not drop hints, not flirt, that you are not feeling the two of you have enough intimacy, or quiet time. She may not even realize the exttent that this bothers you, if you don't speak up.

Nothing will change until you sit down together and start talking. Like you used to do, before kids, mortgages, bills and walking the dog. Remember those days? Try to capture communicating directly to her, and don't be afraid of expressing yourself.

Maybe arrange to schedule time together. I've known couples who have had to do this, just because there aren't enough minutes in the day.

But, if you are dialing out now, she's likely left with doing even more, and when her day is done, she steals a few minutes on the computer, and needs to sleep. You could probably lighten that load. She will notice.