When my 10 year old step son comes to stay for a weekend, he brings his cell phone. At bedtime he calls his mom and proceeds to tell her every detail of our lives. He tells her what I was wearing that day, what my husband and I talk about, who came over or who I talked to on the phone that day, what my two sons were wearing, how clean our kitchen was that day etc. I know this by his response to her questions" no mom she doesn't look like she gaining weight, no I didn't hear them fighting today, yes she cleaned up the kitchen after we had dinner" my husband who is extremely passive does nothing, he's scared to start trouble because this women is nuts, loud and vulger! ( they got married after their son was a year old, they slept together one night after drinking and accidentally became pregnant, so that's why he ended up married to someone of such low calibur!)(dumby). Anyway what can I do about this spy in our home? It's driving me crazy, I'm very careful about what we do or say when he's here and that's a shame I don't want to do that. Please help

I'm a stepmother. This is up to your husband to solve. Limit the time on the cell phone, don't allow the cell phone (why does a 10 year old need a cell phone except for emergencies) in your house or, in the event the behavior is intended to get a response from you, ignore it. As annoying as this is - how do you hear him on the phone - I'd ignore it. Who cares what he tells his mother?

I don't understand why your husband married a loud, vulgar, "nuts" woman a year after the child was born - but I would refrain from letting the child know what your feelings are about his mother.

Why are you careful about what you do and say? I'm sure that on occasion my stepchildren "reported back" to their mother - I just didn't have a problem with it. I was lucky because my late husband's "ex" and I got along very well and she often thanked me for my assistance with the children.

Yes a 10 year old with a cell phone, for heavens sake, silly.

But easy put it on speaker phone, then it is public, but the mom is being very unloving to the child, since it puts her as a spy in the home. It is obvious the mother has unresolved issues over the divorce and wants to know what her ex is still doing.

The husband needs to have a long talk ( without child around) about how this is harming the child and needs to stop.

I think its clear, from the type of questions she asks, and his responses, that she knows exactly what she is doing, and why. She wants to make you miserable, because she is a miserable person herself.

If she were just a very concerned mother, she would have her instructions to her son, to include having the conversations in the privacy of his own room, out of earshot. Obviously she chooses to exploit him, to get to you. She could also phone at a certain time, on the home phone, and ask your husband to speak to him. He does not sound like the type of person that would block, or otherwise prevent her from talking directly to her son.

This is very personal, and I would address it. Very inappropriate and vengeful in my opinion, of anyone to be used in that manner. She should be ashamed of herself for using her son.

Another stab is just the fact that he has a phone at age 10. And that is her showing you (and his father) that she is controlling this child, and the conversations, and the only way she can do this, is with him having his own phone.

I would do one of two things if it were me.

I would tell the child that when his mother calls, he should be considerate and talk to her in private. Tell him that he is welcome to go anywhere in the house, to have as many phone calls as he likes when his mother calls, or when he calls her, but it is only polite do to this in private. Tell him that's how things are done in your home, in that phone calls for everybody, are private. And tell your husband, before the next visit. He can remain in the enviable position of choosing to do nothing, but agree to creatively put a stop to this woman's boorish, and childish behaviour, just by saying, "Son, call your mother, or take her calls, in your room."

What I would really like you to do is play it for all its worth. Make sure when she calls that you have a few empty wine bottles on the kitchen counter, and you're smoking a big fat cigar, with your hair in curlers, and a face mask on. (green would be extra bonus points). Start singing Elton John's song, The Bitc* is Back, at the top of your lungs, off-key, and tell your husband the guard dogs need fed, and would he please start supper because it's 10 p.m. and you're hungry for fries and gravy.

But of course, that would defeat the purpose, but have fun with that idea... ;)