Hi all,

My in laws are planning to go a vacationon the same dates and at the same place where me and my fiancé are planning to go for honey moon. So I know for sure that all of us would end up going together. Although I get along fine with my inlaws but I do not want to go on a honey moon with THEM!! The scary part is that they do not see anything wrong in it. The scariest part.. I think my fiancé would not mind it either!

Any advise on how to deal with such a situation?

The first thing you need to do is to sit down and talk to your fiancé. Communicate your concerns to him.

Personally I think that is very tacky for them to do that to you. This is a time that the two of you should celebrate together with no outside interruptions such as family.

Wow.

Your fiancé is probably okay with it if you haven't yet told him that you are not!

Not that you would have seen it coming, but it probably would have been a good idea to keep the honeymoon details a secret.

I can't imagine being on my honeymoon with two extra people- the inlaws no less!

Breakfast with them, sightseeing, lazing around the beach, dinner plans, etc.

I would set the record straight with your husband to be, particularly if he is seeming like this is an okay idea, and he doesn't mind his parents along on your honeymoon.

The simplest thing to do is re-book your honeymoon, and tell his parents, together, that you have simply decided to have your honeymoon just as a couple because it only happens once. Any other time, for a vacation, you would be delighted to have them join you.

Its time to have a heart to heart with the fiancé. If that doesn't help then I would sit down with the soon to be in-laws and ask how they would have felt having their in-laws on the honeymoon. Explain how you appreciate them for making you feel welcomed to the family and how fortunate you are to have them, but not on YOUR honeymoon that is something that should be an very immportant memory for you, not just another vacation memory. Good luck and best wishes on your wedding

Tell your fiancé that you don't intend on sharing him with his parents on your honeymoon and change your destination. HE should be the one to tell his parents about the change in your plans. HE should be the one telling them that this is your private time together.

If he insists that you keep the plans as they are, then I'd seriously think about not marrying a momma's boy who is so spineless.

If his parents are this intrusive now, just wait until the kids come along. They will try and control you and monopolize the children at evey chance they get.

The parents and the 2 brothers and 1 sister... I do not feel like going any more!! And I spoke about it with my fiancé and STILL does not see any problem with it. He just can not say no to his family! In fact he really minded it when I said no family. I think now I have to say that I do not want to go at all because I do not think that he would go some place else. Maybe my not going will get the message across. But then, I'll end up hating the family and maybe him as well.

Are his parents footing the bill for everyone to go on the honeymoon/vacation? And I'm wondering if when they said they were paying for your honeymoon, did they also say at the same time, that they were going too, or did that just suddenly come up afterward. I'm wondering if you were deceived into thinking that the honeymoon was a gift from his mother, and she failed to disclose that the gift also came with an entourage, or, if you knew at the time she (obviously) make the bookings for everybody.

If you were deceived when you thought you were going on a traditional honeymoon, only to discover that there was this entourage, then I would back out unconditionally, and simply say, you will not go on your honeymoon with his family.

If it is a matter of you knowing all along that they were going to be going, and have only now decided that you didn't like the idea, you are still in the right, because you're allowed to change your mind about anything to do with YOUR honeymoon.

But, it takes two to honeymoon, and regardless of how it has reached this point, a honeymoon does not come with an entourage, especially one that is self-appointed.

It is hard for me to understand why his mother would take such liberty with an occasion that is clearly not her place to butt in. Are there cultural considerations here? Is this something done in her culture, or where she was from, or even in a traditional sense within her own family?

More importantly, what are you going to do. I suppose you could go on the vacation, consider it a vacation, and then plan a honeymoon at a later date, but is that something worthy of consideration at all, in lieu of now knowing that your husband is putting your needs in second place, in orer to appease his mother and siblings. What happens when you want to have privacy and control when you have a baby, or buy a home.

My question is whether this was planned or happened accidentally. If you can't change the plans, I'd make the best of it and plan another honeymoon later - alone. But if the family did this on purpose, I'd reconsider the marriage - that's really weird.

Some background:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...is-501264.html

No my in laws are not paying for the honeymoon at all. And we did not tell them till late. And it happened all accidental that they planned to go as well. My sil just very casually told me that they are planning to go right after the wedding at these places. And she said.. "oh you guys are going here as well right.. good we all can have good fun together"..

And I do not think that after going with them on a vacation we'll be able to plan a honeymoon later. Because frankly, we do not have that much money to afford both. Also, we both work and we would not get off twice. And there are no cultural considerations on my MIL's part either. I mean she goes alone with her husband without children thrice or maybe more in a year. They just think that it would be a nice family thing for the whole family. And this so retarded.

I know you have talked to your fiancé, but you haven't mention or purhaps I missed it --that you have actually sat down with your future in-laws (with out fiance) and had a heart to heart with them. I am sure that they also do not want to have their son startig a marriage with harsh feelings. Explain in a very gentle way what you have said in your post, that they go on vacation 2-3 times a year, but this is not a vacation for you, it is your honeymoon, something that as a bride you will cherish forever. Put your heart out there for them to really understand were you are coming from. Sometimes pip when we get older we grow blinders on, and even though we don't want to admit it, we do get blinded by our own selfish wants of still feeling included in our kids lives. Its not always meant to be unkind. Please just try to talk to them, don't throw in the towel, give that chance to make it better. Then go from there. Good luck

Your husbands family have always played a major part in your relationship if I am reading your past posts. I think you even said that it was a custom to live with the family until you have children? If this is true, then I can understand why your husband is not going to take sides in this issue. Don't get me wrong, I agree with everyone else and you included that a honeymoon should be spent alone, not with family. But the plans have been made, so rather then start a big riff between your husband, his family and you, why don't you sit down with his parents and explain that even though you are going to the same place, you would like them not to be offended, and would even like their help so that you can spend as much alone time with your new husband as possible. I'm sure they will understand. Don't ruin your honeymoon, just try to do things, eat at restaurants, see the sights at different places then the rest of your family. So you spend a little time with them , that might not be so bad. You might enjoy it. Just make sure you go into this with a positive attitude, or it could end up that no one has a good time. Anyway, congratulations.Have a wonderful life together.

I think it is pretty clear, after reading a bit of your posts from what needskarma referenced, that you are expected to go on the honeymoon/vacation, with his family, and that you aren't in a position to do much about it.

You live with them, follow their rules, put up with their behaviour toward you, and live by their expectations, customs, and restrictions- particularly to your freedom. You sound more like a boarder than anything else.

If you have allowed this much influence by them up to this point, knowing full well what you are expected to do, in order to be a 'part of the family' by following tradition, it seems that no amount of demands and/or expectations put upon you, are too much.

Why? Because you are there, and that's the way it is.

It is easier to see now why your fiancé won't budge. He too, does what is expected of him, and he won't cross his mother, and upset the apple cart.

So, if you have no reasonable intention of leaving, and no reasonable expectations of this honeymoon situation changing, then what kind of advice can you expect here.

I'm concluding that you know full well the outcome. You just don't like it. And I don't blame you. But, I do know that I would not choose your life, but on the other hand, I do respect your choice, and it's pretty obvious where that choice will lead you.

All you can do, is make the most of it, and realize that that part of your wedding will not be what you want it to be, and you have no chance of changing it.

Jake, I do belong to a culture where we move with the family but it is NOT expected from the young couple to take the family on honey moon. Trust me it is not. Every couple I know of goes on a very normal honey moon and it is not necessary at all that we live with family all the time. We may move out without any obligations any time. The reason I asked or wanted advise was because it is simply not normal even here. If it was then I would had taken it as a norm and not complained about it. But it is simply not. We are saving for our new home and we will move out when we have enough money to buy one and we do have our own separate lives and we live it the way we want. And we do not even ask for their opinion.

In my post, I did not mention that my inlaws are doing this because they should or they think they should or this is what usually happens. They would be perfectly all right if we go some other time. Its my fiancé I am more worried about that he does not find a problem in it because perhaps he respects them a lot to say no to them... And that is what I want an advise about because his respect is overlooking me. I did speak to him but maybe not in a way I should had, but I really do not want to fight.

I appreciate you all for taking the time out for advising me. And I have taken very good points out of it. And I plan to work on them.

If what you say is true, and I do believe you, you really have to stick up for yourself here, and let it be known that you do not wish to honeymoon with an entourage. Period.

I know you don't want to fight, but I would say this issue is worth fighting over. If your intended cannot understand or accept that you want your honeymoon to be just the two of you, I don't know what to advise you to do.

I hope that you will find some mutually agreeable resolve to this before it's too late to change the tickets. I'd like to know how this is resolved, one way or the other. Thanks.

Point taken. I am really not going with the family. I would rather not go and kill him with the guilt :). I think its time for me to make him grow up a little. No matter if it involves a fight or whatever. I would not live in this retarded way. I think I just have to wait for the right time to strike.

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Originally Posted by pipstik

Point taken. I am really not going with the family. I would rather not go and kill him with the guilt :). I think its time for me to make him grow up a little. No matter if it involves a fight or whatever. I would not live in this retarded way. I think i just have to wait for the right time to strike.

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You are right about one thing, your argument is with your fiancé, not his family. If you are to have a happy marriage, then he has to get his priorities straight. But I got to be honest with you, your timing to make him grow up is several months too late. You want him to stand up to his family now? Are the two of you prepared to move out? Do you expect him to go against his family after a life of following his family customs? And are you prepared to alienate his family from the both of you, and as a last resort, are you ready to walk away from them all? You have your whole life ahead of you with your husband to be, so don't start your married life off on the wrong foot. Talk to your husband, tell him how much you are against this, and be prepared to be forced to give him an ultimatum. Otherwise, either accept the trip and make the best of it, or be ready to walk. For your sake, I would go as planned, and spend as much time alone with you husband as you can.

There is one final thought I want to leave you with. For me, and again I speak only for myself, I could never spend my life with someone that doesn't put me first. And this issue should have come to a head along time ago. If it had, you wouldn't be dealing with this problem now. There's and old saying, " We teach others how to treat us....."

I agree with you John. But the thing is that these things came to me gradually, when I got inside his family and started to learn about how close they are. Others aspects are fine. Yes we are planning to move out as soon as we have the required amount to buy a place. And he noramlly does not ask for their advise or opinion in almost everything. We discuss it and its our thing. I do not know if it would stay like this once I am living with them. Its just that he just not seem to be able to say no to them on this.

But I have decided that I am going to stick to my point. If he does not like it, well that's too bad. I mean I love him and all but that does not mean that I have to compromise on something so basic. I am not going with his family. I do not care what the outcome of this may be. But I guess the cause is worth it. And if the outcome is not good, then maybe this is how it should be.

Well I do admire you for sticking to your convictions. You are showing character and integrity, and they're one of the few things in life that no one will ever be able to take away from you. No matter what happens, not your husband or his family can force you to make a choice that you believe is wrong. Shakespeare said it best... to thine own self be true...