Our teenage daughter is will be 18 in a few months, we have a strained relationship at best we always end up yelling at each other and I get to the point I just do not want to talk to her at all. She has always been difficult to deal with even as a child she refused to co-operate when ask to do anything , We did the time outs the rewards the counseling and even books and seminars. She rather stay at other peoples homes till she wears out her welcome. She has always had issues with attending school even when we lived next to one and had to escort her to the school door. She wasted her last semester in grade 11 and did not get her credits and now she has not even attended any of her classes for grade 12 this year. Her bedroom looks like something from the show Hoarders and will never offer or comply if asked to clean it or help she will just leave the house. She is always in relationships with boys that have no ambition to do anything and don't work or go to school either. She will pend 24 hours a day with her boyfiends when she is in a relationship with the to the point of being obsessed with them. We took her to a child specialist a few years back and he was not sure if she had any behavoir problems that were from any disorders that were specific enough as he said she showed signs of A.D.D and O.D.D but he could'nt pinpoint any one thing . She is being treated for depression by her doctor that is when she will take the meds. I now she is smoking pot and drinking and lord knows what else, She is not afraid of any repercussions of anything she does. I am afraid she is going to have a bad life ahead and I don't know if I can deal with the issues any longer . I am thinking of asking her to leave the house when she turns 18. Her mother is always upset almost every day and deals with depression herself. And worries about her constantly. I just do not know what to do anymore .

Perhaps when she was younger swatting her with the book instead of reading it , ( just a thought)

But why is she staying with others till they get tired of her, why are you even allowing it

Her room looks like horders ? So why have you not thrown everything in the room out ? Whose house is it anyway.
You go in and when she comes back, she has a bed, and four walls, if she wants anything else in the room, she has to earn it back though respect and following the rules

Rather then dealing with her mother and I at home she will just avoid coming home as long as possible .We will clean the room only to have it return the same way in a weeks time.

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Originally Posted by Endoftheropedad

Rather then dealing with her mother and i at home she will just avoid coming home as long as possible .We will clean the room only to have it return the same way in a weeks time.

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Stop enabling her. Don't do things she's supposed to be doing. If you do as FR_Chuck suggested it will work. Give her a curfew and if she can't follow it let her sleep in her car. If you are paying car insurance and she refuse to follow your rules, take the car away from her. It's probably in your name anyway.

Let her know the party is over and if she comes in with the smell of pot or anyhing else on her breath, you can report her to the Police. Threaten doing that and if she doesn't follow the rules do it. Tell her she's going back to school and when she has proven she can make good grades she can have her privileges back.

I don't think your daughter realizes the difference in doing what she wants, and balancing that with what is expected of her. There are no consequences, and she knows that she can come and go as she pleases.

Maybe the focus should be on what will happen when she turn 18.

I would suggest you stop arguing with her, and instead, come up with a plan that will clearly state expectations, and behaviours with consequences, and give her a few months to digest it.

In the interim, I would stop the flow of spending money, the use of the family car, the cell phone plan, and the internet. That should get her attention.

Then I would set out the plan.

In two months, she is expected to either be current at school, or working full time. She will have to attend counselling whether she wants to or not, for a minimum of six sessions. (If you can set this up, and give her the list of appointment times).

You expect that, should she decide to go to school, and/or work full time, you will ask at random times for a drug test. Set this up ahead with your Doctor. I would also insist that she be on some form of birth control.

She will be expected to be home, under curfew, and you will decide when she can be trused enough be out at all.

Tell her you will follow-up with the school or with her place of employment (via her producing pay stubs) to ensure that she is in school, or working. She has to back up her time with proof of what she's doing with it.

List household chores that she is expected to do, such as keeping her room tidy, and vacuuming once a week, walking the dog, etc.

She has two months to figure out what her optons are, and to also realize that the current situation will change. And she also has to realize that you are serious. Tell her that the first night she is gone, you will assume that she isn't coming home for a week, and don't let her in. Let her scramble for a place to stay, until YOU decide she can come home.

I wouldn't push anything. At her age she should be more on the cusp of being an adult, than she is an errant 15 year old. That she is stuck in this place of having an undisciplined life with no consequences, is the core issue of turning this around.

She will become an adult with the same, and likely worse behaviours, if you don't have greater expectations- with consequences- for her to live up to. If you allow this behaviour in your home, you can expect more of the same. To change it, take away the decision making from her, and take control yourself.

I see one good shot at this. Because if you go to all the trouble to prepare her, and yourselves for what the likely consequences are (instituting the plan), and then fall back on following through, it will be next to impossible to affect permanent change again.

What you are doing is not allowing her to grow up. She should be more responsible, she should be in school planning her future, she should be working part time, etc. and all the things she isn't doing, is adding up to an underachieving adult, relying on mom and dad to keep feeding this lifestyle she has.

If you and your wife can get to a counsellor yourselves, and run a plan by a professional counsellor, you will be able to better define how to implement it. And you will have the support and encouragement you need to not only stick to it, but what to do when the inevitable cog gets thrown in the wheel.

From what you have said, I see her as capable, with no known mental or physical limitations that prevent her from growing up with normal expectations for someone her age.

She can do this, and you can help her turn her life around. Are you up for the challenge?