Ask Me Help Desk - Help us keep the father out of the picture

My son's father has been out of the picture since my 6 month old son was one month. I'm afraid he may one day try to see my son. He leaves text messages once or twice a month and his mom leaves voice messages on my phone. I don't want them in my life because he became alcoholic and abusive. I put a restraining order on him, but the police haven't been able to get him for 4 months now. DCF even called him and left several messages that he never returned. I am tempted to move out of state so he would have a difficult time locating us and would hopefully forget about us. What should I do to ensure he leaves us alone?

The best you can do is get a restraining order, which you apparently have already done. He is the father of your child and has the right to be a part of that child's life IF the Court grants him that right. He can't just walk back into the child's life IF you were never married.

Was he an abusive alcoholic when you were in a relationship with him?

Why would dcs want to call him? Are you claiming violence against the child? Child abuse ?

If you move and hide from the father you can be accused and prosecuted for parental kidnapping.

Has he been established as the legal father by a court or by other documentation (birth certificate, acknowledgment of paternity)?

You will need to go to court and get a custody and visit order, prove he is a danger to the court with evidence and have any visits with child supervised.

Again as Scott said moving away and hiding with the child is really a good way to upset the court and even lose custody or be ordered back to the state if he files in court

When we met, he was a recovered alcoholic. He never once showed signs of desire to drink. I worked 3 jobs throughout my pregnancy to save for the 3 month unpaid maternity leave. He stayed at home, studied for a while, but then quit that too. Because he hadn't shown signs of responsibility throughout my pregnancy, I wasn't going to give the child his last name (that was until my brother spoke with me and said the father would never see the baby as his, so I gave the baby the dad's last name and he signed the birth certificate). Shortly after the baby came home and the father grew angrier and angrier each day. He had tried to quit smoking but couldn't, so he would wash his mouth and wear lots of perfume to cover the odor. Then I noticed he started drinking (yes, swallowing) the mouthwash (which I later learned is considered a common relapse for alcoholics). By 4 weeks, he had gotten a job working outdoors, which he hated. Baby and I couldn't sleep in the same room as him because we were too loud. He started drinking wine and bottles of vodka at a time (I found the evidence after I kicked him out). On one occasion, he threw my computer at me and it hit the baby. Then, he grabbed me and violently pushed me around the house (yes, I took pictures of the bruises). The last event, he put our child in danger. He had him dangling from a chair unattended. He trapped me and my son in the garage, but when my neighbor came to the rescue, I got free. Since I have removed his things from my house and back to his mom's, he has desperately wanted to cone back. He begged me to be mr. Mom while I worked. Once he saw that I wasn't taking him back, he came over one night and tried to break in. I called the cops. Yes, I got a restraining order, but the cops haven't gotten him in 4 months! I keep going to court to extended, but I can only do it 2 more times. His mom calls as if she doesn't know the cops are looking for him. She is suffering from lunacy. At 78 years old, though healthy for her age, she is legally blind, and her youngest son died when he was four years old because the mom, an alcoholic also, allowed for him to go near the pool unattended. And this is with whom I may one day leave my baby with? I should have known when I found out thus guy willingly gave up his first child to adoption and left another woman when she was 6 months pregnant. But now I got myself into thus situation and I need to make it better. The father does not want to be with his son. He wants his old life back-the one I would support. He is BROKE, no job and is just waiting for his mom to die so he can live off her money. I don't think he would ever do anything legal because he has no money. I really just want to feel secure that he will leave us alone.

Get an order of protection - that's the only way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Weasie

Yes, I got a restraining order, but the cops haven't gotten him in 4 months! I keep going to court to extended, but I can only do it 2 more times. Comments on this post
Weasie : I can only extend it for a six month period. Because he dodges service, he doesn't "have to" go to court.

This doesn't make sense. A restraining order says that the object of the order must stay away from the subject of the order. I am not sure that it needs to be served to be effective. If he refuses to show up for the hearings, the judge can make the RO permanent.

The other things you can do is ask for full legal and physical custody with no visitation.

P.S. Please don't use the Comments feature for followups.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScottGem

This doesn't make sense. A restraining order says that the object of the order must stay away from the subject of the order. I am not sure that it needs to be served to be effective. If he refuses to show up for the hearings, the judge can make the RO permanent.

It makes sense if you remember that, at least in some places, it is possible to get an ex parte DVRO. In such cases, he may never have been given any kind of notice. It is possible because he never showed up for hearings because he never knew about them.

My first problem with this story is what I've placed in bold below:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Weasie

When we met, he was a recovered alcoholic. He never once showed signs of desire to drink. I worked 3 jobs throughout my pregnancy to save for the 3 month unpaid maternity leave. He stayed at home, studied for a while, but then quit that too. Because he hadn't shown signs of responsibility throughout my pregnancy, I wasn't going to give the child his last name (that was until my brother spoke with me and said the father would never see the baby as his, so I gave the baby the dad's last name and he signed the birth certificate).

I don't mean to be insulting, but that statement implies you were using this baby as a pawn before s/he was even born. A child's name shouldn't be a bargaining chip.

Secondly, he signed the birth certificate - therefore, he is the legal father and has just as many rights as you do. This comment:

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Weasie: No. He became abusive as he reentered alcoholism. I just heard that if I remain living in the same city and he then goes to court, I will have to live within 100 miles of him for the next 18 years. That's why I would consider moving now.

Really bothers me. You seem to think that because there isn't a court order, you can take the child and run off. As has already been noted, you can get into a lot of trouble and potentially lose custody of your child by doing that.

Also, you state that he has been "out of the picture" for the past five months, then state that he and his mother leave you messages - it's one or the other, not both.

Quote:

Shortly after the baby came home and the father grew angrier and angrier each day. He had tried to quit smoking but couldn't, so he would wash his mouth and wear lots of perfume to cover the odor. Then I noticed he started drinking (yes, swallowing) the mouthwash (which I later learned is considered a common relapse for alcoholics). By 4 weeks, he had gotten a job working outdoors, which he hated. Baby and I couldn't sleep in the same room as him because we were too loud. He started drinking wine and bottles of vodka at a time (I found the evidence after I kicked him out). On one occasion, he threw my computer at me and it hit the baby.

That should have been the first and last time. Violence is never acceptable, but certainly not towards an infant. Were the police contacted after this?

Quote:

Then, he grabbed me and violently pushed me around the house (yes, I took pictures of the bruises). The last event, he put our child in danger. He had him dangling from a chair unattended. He trapped me and my son in the garage, but when my neighbor came to the rescue, I got free. Since I have removed his things from my house and back to his mom's, he has desperately wanted to cone back. He begged me to be mr. Mom while I worked. Once he saw that I wasn't taking him back, he came over one night and tried to break in. I called the cops. Yes, I got a restraining order, but the cops haven't gotten him in 4 months!

I'm slightly confused by this. What do you mean by "The cops haven't gotten him in 4 months"? Are you saying you haven't been able to have him served? Or are you under the impression that the police will arrest him because you filed a restraining order?

Were the police contacted after any of these violent incidents? Were police reports ever filed?

Quote:

I keep going to court to extended, but I can only do it 2 more times. His mom calls as if she doesn't know the cops are looking for him. She is suffering from lunacy.

Why not ask his mom where he is? Maybe she can give you a valid address so that he can be properly served.

Quote:

At 78 years old, though healthy for her age, she is legally blind, and her youngest son died when he was four years old because the mom, an alcoholic also, allowed for him to go near the pool unattended. And this is with whom I may one day leave my baby with? I should have known when I found out thus guy willingly gave up his first child to adoption and left another woman when she was 6 months pregnant.

Unfortunately, all of this has no bearing on this particular case. A child's accidental drowning from decades ago has no bearing on whether the courts will allow your ex to see your child; the same goes for him surrendering parental rights to other children.

Quote:

But now I got myself into thus situation and I need to make it better. The father does not want to be with his son. He wants his old life back-the one I would support. He is BROKE, no job and is just waiting for his mom to die so he can live off her money. I don't think he would ever do anything legal because he has no money. I really just want to feel secure that he will leave us alone.

I commend you for taking responsibility for your actions. At this point, I'd recommend that you file for sole legal and physical custody of the child based upon the father's criminal history. He IS the legal father and you legally cannot just up and move away until something is established through the courts.