Ask Me Help Desk - Why do guys watch porn?

Every time I am not around or asleep my boyfriend gets on the computer and watches porn. At first this didn't really bother me because it was once in awhile but lately he's been doing it every single chance he gets... I sleep in, he's watching porn.. I take a bath, he's watching porn... He is 22 yrs old and I am older, but we have sex a lot... I want it just as much as he does. We recently had a baby but only went a few weeks before either of us caved without sex. I guess now I am worried because I'm afraid he'll start cheating on me with someone else and that my body isn't good enough for him especially after the baby... and yes my ex hub cheated on me and told me he was tired of my body. He has a great body as he's young and in shape where I'm older and am overweight. I know it's mostly me and the way I view my body because of past issues but I was just wondering why he even watches it? And even worse when I ask him about it he used to say he watches it to learn stuff but now he lies and says he hasn't been watching it. Of course the only way I know he is watching it is from the cookies and it shows dates/times etc. so I can prove he's lying. Just curious about what all think, one male friend said it was normal but the lying wasn't good.

First, for both of you, leaving cookies in your cache file is a good way to get your computer infected with malware.

Second, for you, how much of your insecurity is due to your background and how much is due to his viewing habits?

Third, for him, and please show him this site, has he considered sharing his fantasy life with you? He might be amazed at the results.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Catsmine

First, for both of you, leaving cookies in your cache file is a good way to get your computer infected with malware.

As a computer guy I just wanted to chime in to say that this is incorrect - cookies are not a method of malware distribution.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NeedKarma

As a computer guy I just wanted to chime in to say that this is incorrect - cookies are not a method of malware distribution.

Is spyware a more correct term?

Nope, the malware term emcompasses spyware and adware and neither arrive via cookies. Adware may read the cookies you already have and send popups or redirects based on them.

Okay, back to the subject at hand. Men watch porn because they are visual creatures. Women, on the other hand are physical creatures.

The human body is amazing. Men see it artistically, they like to look. Women are sensual beings and like the touch and the feel of a man's hand.

Just because he watches porn, it doesn't mean he isn't into you, or that he is attracted to other women, or he doesn't find you attractive.

Women these days have to let go of their insecurities. You never know. If you watch porn together you might find your sexual life expanding.

Since you are generally fine with his viewing porn, my only concern might be the sudden increased frequency.

By what you describe, he hops on every time you are out of the room... and then lies about it, whereas before he didn't have a problem letting you know he viewed it. Some people can develop an addiction. He may be embarrassed or feel a bit guilty that he is watching so much, or he likely is not wanting to upset you if he knows it bothers you. As J_9 mentioned, if you have an interest, join him in some of the viewing. (I don't know about the viewing it artistically though, I think they just like to look at all the bits and bobs!)... :D

How has he adusted to being a father and having a new baby in the house?

To help with your insecurities, which is not unusual given your past experience and a recent baby,
Do what you can to help yourself be more confident. Once you have your doctor's OK, start working at getting back into shape... get your boyfriend to join you. Work out together once in awhile... you never know where it might lead! Remind yourself that he chose to be with you and loves you.

In the past when he watched it he showed me some of what he watches and said let's watch it together but we never really have, not that I wouldn't but seems like he doesn't want to watch it in front of me... ie: why he hides it. I talked w/ him today and he laughed and said he watches it "for something to do" and reassured that what we have is about more than what each others body looks like and that he loved me for me. I know my insecurities are mine and I need to let go of them due to years of emotional abuse from my mother and ex about being overweight. I am kind of stuck at where I'm at because I can not work out at all because I have a very bad back, we did work out together for a bit last year until I hurt my back again.. now it's to where I can barely walk sometimes so I try to eat right instead to keep my weight into check... but I still feel bad about myself. He is a boxer so he's always working out! :)
He seems to be adjusting to being a dad pretty good, even though he's only 22 he's very responsible and helps with her quite a bit when he can. I guess the porn really bothered me when I saw he was searching for "black girls, thai girls, teen anal" stuff like that, something pretty specific and I have seen him staring at some black girls when we were at the mall. I guess that would be another issue.

Quote:

Originally Posted by huskergirl3674

I am kinda stuck at where I'm at because I can not work out at all becuz i have a very bad back, we did work out together for a bit last year until i hurt my back again..now it's to where i can barely walk sometimes so i try to eat right instead to keep my weight into check.

Just as an aside, be aware that workouts for athletes are usually way to strenuous for beginning weight loss. Try little things that aren't such a strain on the back. Sitting in a kitchen chair and holding one leg straight out for 10 seconds, then the other one. Standing up twice each time you get up. Little things.

Quote:

Originally Posted by huskergirl3674

in the past when he watched it he showed me some of what he watches and said let's watch it together but we never really have, not that i wouldn't but seems like he doesn't want to watch it in front of me...ie: why he hides it. I talked w/ him today and he laughed and said he watches it "for something to do" and reassured that what we have is about more than what each others body looks like and that he loved me for me. I know my insecurities are mine and i need to let go of them due to years of emotional abuse from my mother and ex about being overweight. I am kinda stuck at where I'm at because I can not work out at all becuz i have a very bad back, we did work out together for a bit last year until i hurt my back again..now it's to where i can barely walk sometimes so i try to eat right instead to keep my weight into check...but i still feel bad about myself. He is a boxer so he's always working out!! :)
He seems to be adjusting to being a dad pretty good, even though he's only 22 he's very responsible and helps with her quite a bit when he can. I guess the porn really bothered me when i saw he was searching for "black girls, thai girls, teen anal" stuff like that, something pretty specific and i have seen him staring at some black girls when we were at the mall. I guess that would be another issue.

Look at the widely varying searches as variety for the eyes.

If you go out to eat at a restaurant... do you order the very same thing you eat at home even though you like your own home cooking?

Has nothing to do with you at all, When you go shopping do you ever look at things you have no intention of buying? Guys just like to see and admire the female form and at least some of the sizes and shapes they come in. Don't worry that some may look better, fact for life... there is and always will be someone better looking just as there are those worse looking. There is a huge difference between eye-candy and partner material. And that a guy can be perfectly happy with his partner and still appreciate how another looks. Window shopping is NOT the same as taking a test drive.

Guys typically stop looking about the same time they stop breathing. Being faithful has nothing to do with simply looking or not.

Helpful analogies Smoothy! It does make sense.

Although I think many women still deal better with their partners eyeing the brownies in the bakery section better than they do with them eyeing the cute girl behind the counter!. ;)

I think it is something many people will always be uncomfortable with for a variety of reasons, and to what degree will depend on a great many factors as well.

I also watch a lot of porn and masturbate a heck of a lot :) and I am always checking out the hotties, but I still only have the desire to make love to my wife and no other, and no she don't have the perfect body, we have 4 children togather, so don't let yourself get upset. It's true men are visual, and sometimes pigs, but we can still be sexually intamate with that one person.

Quote:

Originally Posted by huskergirl3674

in the past when he watched it he showed me some of what he watches and said let's watch it together but we never really have, not that i wouldn't but seems like he doesn't want to watch it in front of me...ie: why he hides it.

Why does he hide it? Two reasons come to mind. First he could be embarrassed about it. While porn is getting more publicly accepted, it is still taboo. I can guarantee you that almost every guy watches it, but you'll never hear one guy describe that funky midget porn he saw over the weekend to their friends at the water cooler. It is also a person thing. It helps him play out fantasies in his mind.

Second, he knows that you're insecure about yourself and are a little concerned about porn and the relationship considering your past. He could be hiding it so that you won't get hurt by it or that it won't make you paranoid. So that you don't start questioning everything.

Quote:

Originally Posted by huskergirl3674

I talked w/ him today and he laughed and said he watches it "for something to do" and reassured that what we have is about more than what each others body looks like and that he loved me for me.

And you don't believe him?

What porn does is fuel our fantasies. Kind of like trashy romance novels get some women's fire going. We know we are pair bonded. We know who we come home to. It is also nice to fantasized about that brunette, bent over and begging for it.

It is kind of how the male mind works...

Quote:

Originally Posted by huskergirl3674

I know my insecurities are mine and i need to let go of them due to years of emotional abuse from my mother and ex about being overweight. I am kinda stuck at where I'm at because I can not work out at all becuz i have a very bad back, we did work out together for a bit last year until i hurt my back again..now it's to where i can barely walk sometimes so i try to eat right instead to keep my weight into check...but i still feel bad about myself. He is a boxer so he's always working out!! :)

Thus a major source of your insecurities. You view him as very attractive and view yourself as... not so much. Believe him when he says you're beautiful. That is about all I can say. That and get your back figured out. As a person with back issues I can't stress how important this is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by huskergirl3674

He seems to be adjusting to being a dad pretty good, even though he's only 22 he's very responsible and helps with her quite a bit when he can. I guess the porn really bothered me when i saw he was searching for "black girls, thai girls, teen anal" stuff like that, something pretty specific and i have seen him staring at some black girls when we were at the mall. I guess that would be another issue.

Old saying paraphrased, careful that you look for because you just might find it. I would honestly stop looking. It is kind of violating his privacy a little.

Variety is the spice of life. When you can choose what porn you look at you can expand. For example, my 700gb+ porn collection includes: normal (ie, thin a-c cup), chubby, bbw, asian, black, indian, teen (always checked to be legal), mature, vintage, and weird (ie midget porn). I ain't ashamed about it. Some get more play than others. The physical shape of the people from the vids I watch the most are also most likely to catch my eye. If a see a nice chubby woman walking down the street, my eyes might linger a little longer.

In summary, your man is perfectly normal. He loves you too. He watches porn and football. You can enjoy them with him, or not as your choice. Either way trust him and believe what he says.

My partner is also a huge porn-watcher. I sometimes feel (after having 3kids) that its he watches it all the time because I'm big with stretchmarks and that he finds my body repulsive. But apparently not. We sat down and talked to it- he just likes watching people have sex lol. He actually wanted us to video ourselves having sex (purely for our own enjoyment of couse lol) and it has boosted my ego!

So honey, it has nothing to do with you, like many before me have mentioned men are visual creatures omg it is so true lol. They just like watching people have sex!