Hello. My 24 year old daughter is having an affair with a 30 year old married man. It has been going on, correspondence/physical since the end of 2008. Before he was deployed to Iraq, she got pregnant and soon will be giving birth to his son. She has distanced herself from our family and has moved two hours away from us. He has promised to take care of the child financially and visit when he can (he had a deadbeat father) says he is in love with her, but has yet to tell his wife about all of this. My daughter claims that this man and his wife aren't happy together. That the wife doesn't respond sexually, that she is lazy, doesn't help him, yet has no problem spending his hard earned money. She wants him to leave his wife, but he says he can't leave because of his two little girls. I am so ashamed, upset and disappointed in my daughter's behavior, and do not condone it whatsoever. I did not raise my three girls and two boys to be home wreckers. I see a terrible ending to all of this drama. I need a little advice on how I should approach this situation. It has previously failed due to me being so upset and my daughter not caring what I or anybody else thinks and being very defensive. I was so close to my daughter and I miss her. I want her to come back home, she is alone right now, to try to sort this out and end this relationship.

She will have to learn the hard way. There's really nothing you can do.

I would say the relationship will end when he comes home and tries to see her and keep his wife happy too.

Just be there for her. She and the
Little one will need you. I don't think he'll leave his wife.

Kitkat... I don't think he'll leave his wife either.

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Originally Posted by floridamomof5

Kitkat...I don't think he'll leave his wife either.

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It's sad for her and the baby. I feel that if he was going to leave his wife he would have already done so. There are so many young people going through the same thing as your child. Even if he did leave, would she or could she ever fully trust him not to do the same to her?

The baby needs a father and I don't think he'll risk his family to pay child support. If he is still in the Military and he doesn't pay, the Military could I think make him pay. If she is planning on putting his name on the birth certificate, then the child will be a Dependent.

Check with the JAG office at a military base and ask what your daughter has to do to get this done after the baby is born. Good Luck and keep posting. We're here to help.:)

There are people who will respond in a more eloquent way than I will no doubt put this across, but from my own personal experience with my mum, the more you push the more distant she will become.
On her side, what she believes is right, no matter what you say. We tend to live the lie because this is what we want, what he tells her hits all the right notes and everything anyone else says 'they just don't understand', or ‘this is different’. There may be a few times where she might contact you.. voicing either dismay, or discontent, the best thing I can advise is listen don’t offer advice because it will just become heated and end up saying things you will later regret. She doesn't want to hear what she knows is the truth deep down. It means she has to own up immediately to her own failings. And it’s the last thing she’ll do.
You know, as well as anyone else reading this, he’ll never leave his wife. And once bub is born, he may have a connection with his child, but, high percent says more than likely not, especially, if you daughter is like most, will start digging in her toes, start the ‘nagging’ process with him about leaving ‘her’ and ‘what about us’, and he’ll drop her as fast as he got her pregnant.
You may not condone what she’s done but there really isn’t anything you will say or do that will make her see reason, now. It will happen in time. And that’s when you need to drop all your beliefs, your ‘I told you so’s’ and be there for her and pick up the pieces. It may be a long process and take some time but she will come back. It took me 4 ½ years to reconnect with my mum after my ‘I know it all’ stage and we’re now as close as we used to be. It will be tough. It was hard for my mum to let me go and make some extremely bad mistakes in my life, but I made it through, and so will your daughter. You just have to be the security blanket at the end of it with the forgiving hug.

Mystific... thank you very much for your input. I appreciate that from a different perspective! KitKat, thanks for the JAG suggestion and your support. We shall see about all of this financial support he's promised my daughter. If this should all fall down, and it will, I don't want her to be the "bitter" other woman because he is through with her... calling/disrespecting his wife, not allowing him access to his son, etc.--all of the things we tend to hear about mistresses and the like. She's got feelings for him and will probably continue seeing him until he ends it. And when he does it's going to be hard for her and I know it'll be hard for me to see her struggle so. As you said Mystific all I can do is be there.

You love her, it appears you already told her how you feel, so keep in contact, talk about what is happening in your life, take time to play grandma and leave the issue of the boyfriend alone. Leave room for her to be able to come back if and when things fall apart.

It is the same old lies, but she believes them and nothing will change her mind, only time and more lies, but she may go on for years and years as the other women, changing one lie for the other.

Hopefully she will arrange child support though the courts, not accepting the little money he will send, and the I love you months he does not send any. But I have a family member who believed those type of lies for 8 years, till she finally decided to file for support and more on

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Originally Posted by floridamomof5

Mystific...thank you very much for your input. I appreciate that from a different perspective! KitKat, thanks for the JAG suggestion and your support. We shall see about all of this financial support he's promised my daughter. If this should all fall down, and it will, I don't want her to be the "bitter" other woman because he is through with her...calling/disrespecting his wife, not allowing him access to his son, etc.--all of the things we tend to hear about mistresses and the like. She's got feelings for him and will probably continue seeing him until he ends it. And when he does it's going to be hard for her and I know it'll be hard for me to see her struggle so. As you said Mystific all I can do is be there.

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You are a good Mom for worrying and being upset. No matter how old they are we still worry about them. We bring them up to be God fearing and to stay away from things that aren't right, but they all make mistakes.. We never love them any less. Blessings... Talk tomorrow.

Its not easy even now I have to pull my mum in when Im talking to her, sometimes we just need to be heard.

You're a strong lady, your daughter is lucky to have a mum like you.

Keep strong.

It's obvious that she's wasting her life, and he'll never leave his wife for her. Problem is that she has to learn this all on her own.

The only thing you can do is to be there to pick up the pieces when everything falls apart.

Keep being the good mom that you are, and be their for your child, and soon to be GRAND, as all you can really do is keep the communications alive by being supportive, and not judgmental, as our kids make mistakes, and we parents always have to have a band aid and a hug, when they scrap their knees, or heart, no matter the age.

Hopefully she will learn and do better, eventually. No doubt this is a hard time for you both.

I hope this guy steps up to the plate and takes responsibility for this child. I can sense how hurt and disappointed you are. You are angry.

As I said when our children disappoint us and do things that hurt us it's like a knife through our hearts. Then we think how hurt they must be, when they experience things and find out that growing up isn't as great as they thought it was going to be.

We try to do what we always have,
Kiss the tears away and get out the band aids. This time it's your baby who is having a baby and that isn't going to be so easy to fix.

You want to hurt the guy as badly as he has hurt your child but you can't. You realize she is as much to blame as him and that's the hardest thing in the world to accept. You still love her and when that baby is here you will experience a love you never thought you could for that little one.

Wait until he comes home and find out how he is going to handle the situation before you do anything. If he's overseas he probably doesn't need the stress of anything right now and the reason I say that is even though
He messed around on his wife and he impregnated your daughter,
He is still fighting for our country.

If you try to do anything your daughter will resent it. Ask the JAG officer what your daughters options are. They may not tell you anything , she may have to do it herself.

Be there for her. As hard as it is ,if you can, ask God's protection
For him and all our Military there.
He may surprise you when he comes home.

Every person here answered wisely. There isn't much left to be said that hasn't already been. Just know she will realize on her own in time the mistake she made. But don't once let her think that baby is a mistake. Be there for her and support her in any way she will need. We all go through life and make bad choices at one point or another. This was maybe one of those times for her. You're a wonderful mom for having concern like this. You will be an amazing grandma to that baby. Hats off to you.

How sad, she is so young and got herself in such a mess. I hope she'll come to her senses quick enough - some women wait for years, and then look back on all that wasted time with bitterness.