My wife and I got married 3 years ago. We were together for four years prior to getting married. We sort of rushed into getting married because the government came cracking down on her being an illegal immigrant. We both wanted to get married eventually, but just not at this point in our lives. We wanted to save up and have a real special wedding ceremony. The last two years of our marriage we have been distant and disconnected. I started not to trust her because we were not as actively intimate as we once were. About 5 months ago I decided to check her text messages when she was sleeping and found out that she had been seeing another man. I confronted her about it and she said that he made her feel "like a woman". She said that she did not sleep with him and just kissed him a couple of times. She told me that they met handful of times over the course of 3 weeks. I was mad at her but also very dissapointed in myself, for not treating her "more like a woman" (cuddling, holding hands, compliments, doing more house chores.) We decided to stay together and try to build it stronger than it ever was. A couple of weeks ago she asked me for a separation because she felt like she was doing all the work trying to build our relationship back, but she was getting nothing in return. I agree I did not make a great effort, because I felt like she had to prove herself to me since she had cheated on me. Once she asked me for a separation, it was like a light switch went off in my head. I realized how much this woman meant to me and started doing all the things that she wished I had done all along (cleaning, progressing with my job, taking care of bills, etc.) She was not sold and for the past 2 weeks I have been sleeping on the couch and we rarely talk. She really wants me to move out for a while because she does not want to have to "report" to anyone and wants to do whatever she wants to do. She said that she also wants me to prove that I am a man and that I can survive on my own. She told me she was emotionally exhausted. Just the other night we were having another talk and she dropped a bomb on me. She told me that a year before we got married she had been seeing someyone else on a weekly basis for a year and a half. She would go over to his place after work and then come home to me. This other guy was a drug dealer and a "bad boy" while she looked at me as the "good guy". She told me she eventually cut it off because of this guy getting busted by the FBI and she realized how "bad" this guy really was and she saw a future with me and that she loved me. Hearing this I wondered if the only reason she married me was to stay in the country or was it because she really loved me. During our recent discussions she said that she loves me but is no longer "in love" with me. My plan is to go to counseling on my own, because she said that she does not want to go and instead just spend time progressing with her career and not having to report to anyone. Now I sit here and I want to be with her sooo bad, but at the same time know that it will take a while to trust her. I was also thinking about moving out for a while, but I fear in doing this she will turn to alcohol, drugs and possibly sleeping with other men. For a while when we were together she had told me that she no longer had interests in drinking, staying late etc. and that was just a phase she went through in high school. She admired the fact that I don't drink or do drugs and was thankful that I got her to stop doing this. She no longer stayed out late and instead invested all her energy into building a relationship with me. Now she feels that all the energy she had put into building a relationship with me had no return. Not really sure what my exact question is. But all comments would be greatly appreciated.

It wouldn't be love if it wasn't tough. If you love her then try letting her go, for her own sake and not because you cannot go a few days without her. She obviously cares about you, be happy with that before it turns into something worse. She has been unfaithful before and after getting married so why believe she will change? Break away now before the relationship gets worse and there is none at all. That would give you time to get over her and her to see what she really wants. If your paths happen to intertwine after all of that then so be it, but only then will you know if it were ever right.

So in a nutshell, you have been miserable for the past two years, and she has admitted to multiple affairs, some long term, and kept you hanging on not knowing she was looking for another man to replace you.

She used you, cheated on you, lied to you, insulted you, degraded you, treated you worse than she would the family pet.

And what do you do? You try harder.

You establish somehow that her cheating, is a direct reflection on you not doing enough to show her you loved her. What you don't see is your contribution had nothing to do with her choices. You failing to show her more affection would not have stopped her, didn't stop her, and she continues to show you and tell you, that the marriage is over. Again, all of this is due to her choices, not yours.

She could have been honest with you had she wanted to change. But, she got caught, and that is the only reason you know she was cheating in the first place. She could have never put herself out there in the first place, but she chose to, and that had nothing to do with you either. She could have said she needed marriage counselling, and she chose not to. She could have said that she needed to talk to you about what she felt was wrong in the relationship, but she chose not to. She could have had the maturity and courage to work on her marriage, but again, she chose not to.

So you add up all the choices she made, and think about who is responsible for what.

If there are problems in a marriage between two people (not three or more), the very basic, most important component in solving them, is communication. Before she stepped out with other men, she secretly planned, and as fully aware of what she was doing, as opposed to what she should have been doing to put you, and your marriage first.

What she was doing was living a parallel life, for her own selfish reasons. And what she did had nothing to do with being in a loving relationship with you. She turned her back on you and her marriage, many times, over a long period.

You cannot change her, her past, or her (likely) future. You can only get yourself into counselling and get the help you need to recognize that the marriage is over, and you need to find the strength to let go of the misplaced guilt of having the marriage come to an end.

Its time to let her MOVE OUT. She is the one who doesn't seem to have hard time finding place to put her cheating backside down. There is a woman out there who will appreciate you for no more then just being you, don't waste anymore time on this pathetic excuse of a woman. Be thankful you getting out before you would have to subject children to this.

Move on brother, don't beat yourself down for something you didn't do. My wife messed around on me as well, years ago, and take it from me, you'll always have that hint of doubt and insecurity in the back of your mind and it kills you inside... the only reason I stayed was I was weak and because we had children at the time, and I know, someday it will probably happen to me again I only hope this time I am strong enough to let her go.

Just wanted to thank everyone for the feedback. It is really helpful. We had a long chat a couple of weeks ago and I found out she had a 7 month relationship with another guy a year before we got married. So I am now divorcing her. I felt as though everything was my fault but after finding this out I realized who the real screwed up one in this relationship really is. Had I known that she was cheating on me for 7 months 1 year before we got married, I would have never married her in the first place. This makes moving on so much easier for me because I realize I am not really losing much and I know there is someyone out there that can treat me better than this.

Sometimes that's what it takes, that one thing that finally ends it- for good.

We are all blinded by love, nobody can avoid it, and sometimes this is how it all works out. Maybe the plus is, now you can truly move on, without any doubt that you are doing the right thing.

You have a whole life to look forward to now, and I wish you all the success in the world.