I am 20 and my boyfriend is 24. We first dated when I was 17 (although I have known him since I was 14), and then we broke up (it wasn't a bad breakup we just needed space). We got back together in February. At first everything was fantastic. He told me he loved me all the time, he doted on me, complimented me, and we had sex all the time.

He is a valet and works late, but he has been working these hours for years.

We moved in together at the beginning of July, and since then everything seems to bother him. ( I should also note that the place we live is his parent's rental house.) I love him more than anything, and I know he loves me too. He is my everything.

1) He was supposed to repair our dryer, but it's been sitting on the porch for months and he shows no signs of ever fixing it. And this is just one of many chores/tasks that he neglects.
2) His mom won't let me paint our bedroom/bathroom (the bedroom is yellow and the bathroom is pink), and I can't put anything on the walls to decorate unless there is already a nail there. He supports his mom fully and even ripped down a mirror I put up because I didn't nail it into a stud. Decorating is a big part of who I am, and I am trying to be respectful of his mom (since it is her house), but for him to be on her side 100% and not even acknowledge that "it is okay for me to dislike his mom's decorating" is very upsetting. And I am not trying to decorate things super feminine either. I picked the colors he likes (dark blue, black, brown, green).
3) He hates my cooking. I am not a bad cook, and have never had anyone else tell me my food is bad. He compares everything I make to his mom's food. He even made me change the way I make sweet tea (this is a big deal since I'm from the south). I know he is a picky eater, but I try to make things he'll like. At first he always appreciated my efforts even if it wasn't exactly what he liked, but now he's telling me my food has always been horrible. I tell him I am not his mother, and I will never cook like his mother. But no matter what he always finds something wrong with it. We had a serious argument about tomato soup and whether milk/water was better. This is ridiculous, and I don't know how to make him happy.
4) He never wants to go anywhere. We're a little tight on money, but I find free stuff to do all the time but he still doesn't want to go because he says he's tired. All we do is sit at home and watch T.V. We used to go out a lot, even just to walk around the park... but now when he has free time he just wants to do nothing.
5) He almost never compliments me anymore. He is much quicker to criticize than to say thank you or be appreciative.
6) He hardly ever wants to have sex. I try to be flirty, but when I touch him he move's my hand away and gets mad and annoyed. He says he doesn't feel like it. Before, when we had sex it was always amazing, but lately if we do "do it" he caters to what he wants, rather than what I want.
7) He doesn't want to acknowledge that I can be sore or tired. I'll ask him to rub my feet or something, but he says his hands get tired and he doesn't understand why I am sore or why I am complaining because I don't work as hard as him. I offer to rub him, but hates it and says it hurts. He thinks I am being ridiculous, but I think massages are a very intimate and loving experience for couples and they are important to me.
9) He is acting like a child. He has recently started farting in my face or in the shower. It is disgusting, but he thinks it's funny.
9.1) He tells me I'm a wuss and need to toughen up. I keep telling him I am not one of his guy friend's, and I don't enjoy wrestling, playing video games, or his farting.
10) We live an hour away from my school and his job. I would like to move closer to both and live in a younger area. We are living in our hometown in the country. I miss being around my friends and the city, but he hates that area. His goal is to build a house close to here, and I am afraid I will be stuck living in an area that doesn't suit me. The location of our future home is very important, and we should both be happy... but he will not negotiate at all.
11) He used to always talk about marriage and how much he wanted to get married, and even joked about going off to the courthouse. Now he never brings it up and if I ever talk about he shuts me down. This is difficult because I work in the wedding industry, so I talk about them all the time because of my job. He tells me not to get any ideas.

I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him, but he gets really defensive and acts hurt. He acts like I'm attacking him, but I feel like he is attacking me. He jumps all over me about every little thing. The way I cook, clean, decorate, flirt, etc. I can't seem to do anything right anymore (even though this is how I've always been). I don't understand why everything is a battle with him or what I can do to help. I am not breaking up with him, so don't bring it up. I just want to understand why he's unhappy and defensive about everything... and how to get him to stop comparing me to his mom.

He may love you, or at least he thinks he does. But he certainly doesn't respect you, or your opinion.

Every woman has the right to personalize her own home. To deny that right is disrespectful. His mother, and her tacky ways, matter more to him than you do.

For him to pass gas in your face is just plain rude, and if you were MY sister I would have to straighten him out on that one.

This is not love. Love cares. Love respects,

Do you think he'll ever change? I don't.

Hello...

I'm going to say no one would suggest breaking up with him, but to deal with the other issues, it seems like there's more problems with him being, a "man of the house" rather then him being a bad boyfriend but, I am not a fan of the we broke up and got back together, unless it was for a significant amount of time, where people could truly mature and grow up. It sounds like he's just over worked and stressed out, I believe there's more below the surface then you see, when I get irritated like that and what not it's because there's a lot on my mind, I am just not ready to talk about, and he probably doesn't want to talk about it with you for his own reasons, I couldn't tell you the real reasons, people change as well, who knows? I'm truly sorry I can't give you a clear cut answer, if you figure anything out please write back and let me know, I be more then happy to help.

-LCM

Sounds to me like moving in together was a mistake, maybe you two should not have gotten back together.
The way he treats you is just raw. I don't see love or respect anywhere as far as he goes.
I'm wondering why you are taking this crap from him. You take it, he keeps doing it. It only gets worse. So you tell him to get his act together or you walk.
My bet is you will be walking cause I doubt he will change. Sounds to me like he does not care whether you're there or not.

You don't know what to do? At the end, after listing eleven good reasons for breaking up, you said, "I'm not breaking up with him, so don't bring it up." Each one is a good reason all by itself.

Why are YOU unhappy and defensive about everything? Let me guess. It's not "what is wrong with my boyfriend," but what is wrong with you that you don't see the writing on the wall?

Do not answer in the comment box.

I suggest you talk to him and find out why he's acting like such a butt. No one here can tell you.
We can only respond to what you have said, and from what you have said, this guy sounds to me like he is sorry you are back together or at least living together.
Maybe now that you are living together, you are seeing the real him.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by emeraldruby

I don't understand why everything is a battle with him or what I can do to help. I am not breaking up with him, so don't bring it up. I just want to understand why he's unhappy and defensive about everything...and how to get him to stop comparing me to his mom.

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If you want to understand why he is so unhappy ask him. If he doesn't want to talk just accept him for the way he is.

Because as you said you don't want to leave. Then don't. Stay there, accepting his behaviour and attitude and disrespect towards you.

Because he isn't going to change. He doesn't even care that he's hurting you.

He sounds like a childish little boy. Maybe he needs to go back to his mommy and you need to find yourself a real man?

Sounds to me like moving in together is not working out, and he's irritated with you being there. I'd brush off decorating issues (it's not your house, so you can't make rules there - you don't like pink bathroom, then get your own place and paint it to your taste). His dislike for your cooking or not fixing drier for months is not a dealbreaker either.

I'd be concerned about him avoiding intimacy and avoiding any kind of "commitment" talks and generally disrespectful behaviour. Maybe you should move out temporarily and give each other space. From what's going on right now, anyone can tell you're not getting married any time soon.

You may not want to break up with him, but keep in mind there are two people in relationship... he can break up with you himself and it looks like it may happen pretty soon.

emeraldruby : Look, you don't know about the rest of our relationship. His change in attitude is a recent occurrence, and he has never acted this way before. I am just trying to figure out if there is a reason for his sudden negativity.
emeraldruby : cont. I'm not just some dumb girl following a boy around hopelessly. The relationship we have is rocky right now, & I just need help understanding the situation. We've been through a lot together and have always come out stronger. Help don't judge


Someone needs to mind their manners if they expect to get help with this boy. And when you post a question like this, you get what you get. Don't tell people to "not bring it up", or "help don't judge".

Be respectful. And understanding. Most girls would leave him anyway.
It's not OUR fault that you're in love with a boy that has so many faults. I call him boy because he's not a man. Real men know how to respect their woman.