Ask Me Help Desk - Leather fetish

My husband and I have been married for several years. When we first started dating I came across his internet history by accident (it really was an accident) and noticed bdsm, leather, and boot websites. We had a very healthy sexual relationship in the beginning. When I realized this he liked girls in leather and boots (pretty innocent, or so I thought) I started wearing boots or corsets when we would have sex. He started to get very bold and wanted the corset tighter, the boots higher, gloves, masks, etc.
Basically this has turned into an absolute nightmare over the past few years. Not to mention bondage stuff is EXTREMELY expensive and some of these contraptions are downright creepy. I'm noticing it is very hard for him to climax unless I am in some sort of fetish footwear/leather. It has completely ruined our sex life and our marriage is suffering. I have about 20 pairs of expensive black thigh high boots that are extremely uncomfortable. Leather jackets. Leather pants. Not at all my casual style, but when I wear them he seems to almost worship me and can't keep his hands off me. It's really intense and erotic like a new relationship... until the boots and heavy makeup come off. It's really hurtful to be with a man who doesn't appreciate me. I'm more attractive without makeup (or so I've been told by every guy I've dated... besides my husband)

Also, I am noticing a ton of YouTube views on bondage and techno music? I'm starting to wonder if my husband might be a homosexual. In the past he has always dated really tiny flat chested asian girls that have man faces. I don't know if that counts? He is not homophobic. He works a very masculine job, but he is always clean cut, well dressed, and manscaped. I honestly do not think he is seeing someone else whether it's a dominatrix or man, because he works so much. He comes home exhausted, and it really would be wrong for me to complain about his YouTube history when he has 1 day off a week.
Sorry about all the info. I would appreciate any advice from men with similar fetishes, or wives dealing happily with them. I want this marriage to work because we are very compatible (outside of the bedroom)

He likes leather, before he knew you would do it, he was "ok" you then agreed to do some, then more and more.

There is nothing wrong with that relationship as long as both of you are on the same game plan and agree. It is just not the same as everyone else's. Some like to be tied up and others like to do the tie up. So do you also get to tie him up ?

The real issue is that you got together without it. He should have been honest from day one, and found someone who enjoyed it as a normal way to do sex.

It is not right or wrong, it is nothing wrong about it, just the way he prefers. The issue here is he is not fulfilling any of your needs, you are just doing his. So you need to work out counseling or talking, that he also has to do things the way you want some time

Hello Princess,

There are a lot of people who like to be kniky in the bedroom behind closed doors. I don't see anything wrong with that. However, if one person strats to feel uncomfortable, then I do see a problem with that,

I give you two thumbs up for trying to indulge in his fantasies, especially because there are people who wouldn't dare try that.

If you are feeling suspicious of his behaviors, then perhaps you need to have a heart to heart with him and tell him that you feel a certain way. Communication is the key.

Especially because you two have such a great relationship outside of the bedroom.

Speak to him about your concerns, including that you think he might be homosexual.

He may not be at all.

Also Princess, My exhusband had a fetish with plastic while we were having sex. He wanted me to do things to him that I don't think I can reveal on here. I think you might know where I am going with this.

Again, some people are into kinky perhaps strange things.

Thank you very much for the kind words. I was very apprehensive about posting this question on a website, so thank you for your kind words. He is a wonderful man through and through, we just want to make it work

Quote:

Originally Posted by princess2120

thank you very much for the kind words. i was very apprehensive about posting this question on a website, so thank you for your kind words. He is a wonderful man through and through, we just want to make it work

I can understand that. Don't feel bad about asking us anything. We see and hear it all. Lol:)

Princess,

I'm sure he truly appreciates your "playing" with him. His escalation, with your cooperation, will continue until you two reach a limit. It looks like you're getting close but he wants to go further.

Has he offered you his collar yet?

Some couples can do the Mistress/slave relationship 24/7. Some can only handle it for "playtime."

The one thing you didn't mention is how much negotiation you guys do before a scene. I'm guessing not enough.

My husband and I are into BDSM so I have an understanding of what you are going through and where you are coming from.

The first thing I have to ask is have you told him how you feel? Whether it is fetishes and kinks or 'straight' sex, you should be able to talk with your husband about how you feel. If he won't listen and work with you to find a compromise, look into counseling.

I think you had a pretty good idea of what he was into before you married him if you found out about what he was looking at and started wearing things that you knew would turn him on while you were dating. Has it gotten out of hand? Yes. Does he know or understand that? The only way he would is if you have told him.

I know how easy it is to give into the quick turn on and how much power it gives you to know you can push his buttons. I also know how easy it is to get so used to the thrill of the 'game' that you let it take over the bedroom.

You can come back from that but it takes working together and listening to each other.

You made assumptions about what he liked when you were dating. It now has you questioning yourself. Stop making assumptions about what you think he likes/wants now. Talk with him. Be open with him.

The trouble with constantly indulging his fetish is that unless you are as into it as him you're not getting what would make you happy. I'm pretty open minded about most things but frankly for me variety is the spice and anything done constantly would just be downright boring, doesn't matter how 'kinky' it is I just wouldn't find anything that interesting if it was the only kind of sex on offer.

Sounds like it is time to let him know what you would like sometimes. You have stepped up for him now it's his turn to make some effort for you too.

I agree, I would feel sorry for couples who do not play and do some "games" of all sorts behind their closed doors.

And I feel a person needs to explore different areas for that. Even hubby who really likes one or two specific, needs to explore others also.

But it is and HAS to be a partnership where each party knows what the other expects and is willing to do those things.

when you take your finger and place it with pressure on your arm, you feel it most in the first few seconds it is there. Then your body adjusts. Resets. It changes the baseline. It becomes less noticeable.

if your body felt every new sensation as intense as in those first few moments, itd be sensory overload. Its great to be told "idiot! you are touching a hot stovetop!"... but its nice for the body to relax into a hottub, settle down, and release. We are wired to do both...

so...

our minds do the same thing. Its different for different people and different situations, of course. There isn't one variable involved concerning sexual tension. Layers of mental engagement and physiological interactions, some overlapping, some in their own domain. But there usually is some measure of "lost tension" along the way and sometimes we compensate.

we use "crutches" all the time.

why was I more aroused when a lover would change her clothes in her bedroom in front of the back window, knowing I would see her? Or leave the bathroom door open while showering, playing into a voyeur angle? It was the same skin I would see were I in the room with her, but that extra layer amped the moment.

had a lover who loved my hands at her neck. No restriction. She wasn't a "gasper"... no asphyxia. But the potential for it was there, and that was enough to push her over that plateau. We all have fetishes. Desires. We all battle, to some degree, the common desensitization that comes with routine.

I get what you are saying. You've hit your threshold. Too many props. Too much added on.

I can tell you this. He can "rewire" himself, most likely, but it isn't quick or easy necessarily.

I had one lover in particular where, as the relationship developed, it became clear that the efforts made in the bedroom early in the relationship were not her typical form. She became much less pursuant. She disliked a patient sexual tension buildup on my side. Many other things... but I honestly was able, in time, to make her ritual my need... to some degree.

I'm not going to say his desires are wrong. I will say perhaps they are wrong for your relationship, at least at this time, in this place, at this level. That if he isn't able to reset a little, to find some common ground in your direction... well, this isn't just going to go away.

the only break he gets is tied to the exhaustion.

it is absolutely a cause of decreased libido and sexual dysfunction. Might it be possible that these fantasies are an effort to compensate for other issues that are hurting performance? Stress, lack of quality sleep, emotional health, physical health... all of these things outside the bedroom can play real havoc inside the bedroom.

he doesn't get a pass if this is a fundamental issue. But its possible that he is compromised from exhaustion that he compensates by pushing the envelope through role playing.

To kp2171,

If you are an adult sexuality expert I think you should find another line of work, because you have no idea what your talking about. This man has a sexual fetish. It is not understood how sexual fetishes start, but they are not voluntary. He is turned on by an inanimate object not considered sexual, i.e. leather clothing. Leather clothing is what gets him sexually excited. Without it, it's like eating cake without icing on it. Sexual fetishes are not caused by lack of sleep, and they can't be "cured". As an adult sexuality expert you should know this.

It was a very loving act for this woman to indulge her husband, for this is more of a need than a want. I do think he is being selfish though. He has pushed his wife into this farther than she is comfortable with. She just needs to just talk to him about this. Not with moral superiority, but as a equal partner. If you try to shame him with his fetish the conversation is over, because he is extremely vulnerable regarding this. Just say, hey I want to help you, but sometimes it makes me uncomfortable. Also tell hime what you want. He probably doesn't know. As long as you approach this in a nonjudgemental way you can come to a compromise.

Quote:

Originally Posted by shobstl

To kp2171,

If you are an adult sexuality expert I think you should find another line of work, because you have no idea what your talking about. This man has a sexual fetish. It is not understood how sexual fetishes start, but they are not voluntary. He is turned on by an inanimate object not considered sexual, ie leather clothing. Leather clothing is what gets him sexually excited. Without it, it's like eating cake without icing on it. Sexual fetishes are not caused by lack of sleep, and they can't be "cured". As an adult sexuality expert you should know this.

Hello shobstl,

Your post was very rude and inappropriate. To call out an expert or member that way is NOT going to get in good with us. If you do want to ask a member/expert to elaborate on something, then just simply ask.

A little FYI to you, considering that you have only posted ONCE. You might want to consider reading the rules t see how this site works. Insulting a member is NOT one of those rules.

Please read the rules.

Thank you.

This thread is from September, and the OP hasn't been back.

Thread closed.

Dear lord... I never said a better pillow would cure him.

The way to keep an addict healthy is to treat his whole body and mind. The things I mentioned are things that are specifically addressed when working with a person in recovery.

If she "just needs to talk to him" then he has some voluntary control?

I said the work he has to do, if he wants to address how this is affecting this relationship, is not quick or easy.

She needs to talk to him, he needs to make a choice. The choice isn't to not have the fetish. That's done. It's there. The choice is to address the real fact that its gone from a natural component of sexuality to causing distress in this relationship. He gets to choose to address her frustration.