Ask Me Help Desk - I'm so confused, What should I do

What's up,

Im a 20 year old who while attending the University of South Carolina met the girl of my dreams. We have had the chance to get to know each other over the last semester and everyday I feel drawn to her more. She has told me how right now she isn't looking for more than a friendship, but likes my company and thinks I'm a great guy (so she says). This still doesn't take away the fact that I'm falling in love with her. The truth is that I have never felt the way I do about anyone in my life like I feel for her. Its almost as if she completes everything about me, and knowing that she can't say the same breaks my heart. I definantly want to be friends with her and know that just from getting to know her has made me a better person. I feel that honesty is the best key to a strong relationships, so I am honest in telling her all my feelings. She's the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep, and I just want to make her the happyiest girl. I hate feeling like I'm coming on to strong but at the same time looking back on the past, the worst feeling is to know you could have done more to get all you ever wanted. I told her I would wait for her as long as it takes, and I will. I just want to know how a girl can't feel for a guy who wants nothing but the best for her. I hate sounding selfish but its almost like I'm not content without her. I know the best relationships start as friendships because its best to know the real person before getting attached, but there's nothing about her that I don't like. Its like God himself put her here for me to love her. Haha. I guess I read into things a lot of the time and make them worse, but when I a guy with a good heart sees a girl that sweeps him off his feet, all he wants to do is be her everything. Im that guy and she's that girl... What would be the best way to show her other than all the money I've spent and all the things I say, because the truth is you never really know anyone else's heart other than your own. Its all about faith and trusting that the person who tells you those things is really being sincere. I am and no matter what she's the best thing that's happened to me and she's worth waiting for.

Why don't you just take it slow and stop spending money on her, slack of a bit like not contacting her as much and maybe she'll see what her true feelings are to. It just may be the fact that you're coming on to strong. I think that can drive the best person away sometimes. Good luck!

Lighten up, man. You're probably scaring the crap out of her. It's actually pretty rare that two people fall exactly as hard for each other at exactly the same time. And even when it does happen, it doesn't necessarily bode well for the long-term success of the relationship. Sometimes all it means is that they're both equally desperate. Take a chill pill, quit smothering her, spending money on her, and mooning over her, and maybe she'll grow into feeling for you what you feel for her. Overdoing it makes that less likely, not more, so if that's what you truly desire, slow down and give her some breathing room.

The way your going about it is too much, too fast, too furious. How about slow down and be a friend and get to know each other first. Be a man not a big rich puppy dog or you'll find yourself alone in the dog pound. You do know females hate the bumrush don't you?

Well I just want to say I really appreciate all you guys opinions. And I do know your all right... that's just the way I'm made up I guess. If I see something I like then I go all out, which isn't necessarily always a bad thing but in this case I hear what your saying. This might sound weird but I erased her number from my phone so I won't be tempted to call her. I figure that she can call when she wants to talk... right? I had good advice today from a close relative who said relationships shouldn't be "the game" that everyone makes them out to be. A true heart felt relationship can only be found when your really looking out for each others best interest and not selfish fufillment... not that you care but I do have good intentions, its just my way of going about what I feel is all in the wrong manner.

You sound like a good guy so just take your time, there is no hurry so go slow and give her time to breath and take it in at her own pace.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

Whats up,

Im a 20 year old who while attending the University of South Carolina met the girl of my dreams. We have had the chance to get to know each other over the last semester and everyday i feel drawn to her more. She has told me how right now she isnt looking for more than a friendship, but likes my company and thinks im a great guy (so she says).

That’s your first clue to back off. She might be interested in you but if she was totally into you she wouldn’t be putting up a wall. When a girl says she likes your company and you buy her things as you state
can get from him.” It can also mean, “I see him as a friend, not a boyfriend.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

This still doesnt take away the fact that im fallin in love with her. The truth is that i have never felt the way i do about anyone in my life like i feel for her. Its almost as if she completes everything about me,

Then you need to find other things to complete you. Your life should be full of things and interests you like and can share with someone, but no woman is going to complete you. If you allow someone to complete you, you give them everything you have. Then the other party becomes bored and leaves and your left to figure out what went wrong.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

and knowing that she can't say the same breaks my heart.

Then you back away. It’s your heart you worry about. Not hers.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

I definantly want to be friends with her and know that just from getting to know her has made me a better person.

Dude, I don’t want you to take offense to this but when I hear that it sounds like I’m talking to a woman. And I say that because a woman wants to be with a man. She wants to hear something a man would say. She can hear that and does hear that from her girlfriends. So when she hears it from you she thinks of you as one of the girls.

Instead tease her and tell her that getting to know you would make her a better person. Don’t be sarcastic about it, Don’t be arrogant about it, just playful teasing. By doing that is makes her think, “what’s so great about him that’s going to help me?” It puts a little mystery into who you are. It also shows your confident.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

I feel that honesty is the best key to a strong relationships, so i am honest in telling her all my feelings.

Your right that honesty is a BIG key to a strong relationship. But your not in a relationship. Your courting her. You need to be mysterious, not so approachable, busy with your own life, and quite honestly not so nice. Don’t be rude. But you give her whatever she wants. That’s boring to her. She’s not going to tell you because she likes free things and wants someone to complain to when nobody else will listen. Back off, if she’s interested let her come to you.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

Shes the first thing i think about when i wake up in the morning and the last thing i think about before i fall asleep,

Read a book or study before you go to bed.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

and i just want to make her the happyiest girl.

Dude, again I feel like I’m talking to a woman. Please tell me your not saying this stuff to her. It’s only driving her away.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

I hate feeling like im coming on to strong but at the same time looking back on the past, the worst feeling is to know you could have done more to get all you ever wanted. I told her i would wait for her as long as it takes, and i will.

Please stop saying that. You have just shown her that you have no value by saying that. You also gave her all you power.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

I just want to know how a girl can't feel for a guy who wants nothing but the best for her.

Because it’s boring. Because it’s scary. Because you have provided no challenge for her. If she can have you anytime she wants you then that’s how she’ll always see you. A back up plan. A doormat that she can run to when something doesn’t work out elsewhere.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

I hate sounding selfish but its almost like im not content without her.

I don’t think I would call it selfish but rather some kind of emotional void. She can’t fill it though. You have to find out what’s missing and fill it yourself.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

I know the best relationships start out as friendships because its best to know the real person before getting attached, but theres nothing about her that i dont like. Its like God himself put her here for me to love her.

If that were true then wouldn’t God also make her aware of this?

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

I guess i read into things alot of the time and make them worse, but when i a guy with a good heart sees a girl that sweeps him off his feet, all he wants to do is be her everything. Im that guy and shes that girl...

You are that guy…….she MAY be that girl.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

What would be the best way to show her other than all the money ive spent and all the things i say, because the truth is you never really know anyone elses heart other than your own. Its all about faith and trusting that the person who tells you those things is really being sincere.

STOP and I repeat STOP spending money on her. STOP. I can’t repeat that enough. You just show her that she can get whatever she wants from you whenever she wants it. You want a good gauge for her feelings on you why don’t you say next time, “where you taking me?” That will let her know things are changing. Personally I’d suggest just backing away and not even trying that for some time.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

I am and no matter what shes the best thing thats happened to me and shes worth waiting for.

How can she be the best thing that ever happened to you when nothing’s happened? I say to people in relationships but you never give over 50% of yourself to a woman. You’ve given 100% and she’s given you nothing. Literally nothing. She is bored by all your attention. She can have you at any time so you have no value in her eyes. She’s never going to tell you this because she enjoys the gifts and person to drop all her problems on.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

this might sound wierd but i erased her number from my phone so i wont be tempted to call her. i figure that she can call when she wants to talk...right? i had good advice today from a close relative who said relationships shouldnt be "the game" that everyone makes them out to be. a true heart felt relationship can only be found when your really looking out for each others best interest and not selfish fufillment... not that you care but i do have good intentions, its just my way of going about what i feel is all in the wrong manner.

First let me say, "that a boy" when it comes to erasing her number. I have no dought you have the best intentions. But when you go all out for a female the female backs off. It's okay to show interest, but not so much interest.

Just take it slow. You don't want to come on too strong. Remember, friendship is a stepping stone to a relationship. I have been in a similar situation with this women. After waiting for her for about a month, I realize that you shouldn't wait around for someone to make up her mind. Life is short, go out there and take interest in other women. You shouldn't put your life on hold for anyone. You never know, she probably has her eye on someone else. Just keep an eye out for other women. Being a man in college is the best thing in the world. Women always outnumber men. You have some many choices. Trust me I know. I did that and she came around, but I wasn't feeling her anymore.

RealDeal, you have got some great input and just to add, dating should be fun with no pressure at all and then let things take there own course. Be a friend first but always keep your own life going also, doing the things you enjoy with others. The big mistake would be forgetting about you an your own life trying to get someone who in all honesty you don't know very well. Its too early to start making plans other than friendly. GO SLOW!!

Wow I can't believe I got this much feedback so quick... that's pre awesome.. you I understand everyone's point of view. Chuff made the statement that she's given me nothing which I agree with and at the same time don't agree with. She has given me time and thought if that counts... haha. I didn't mean to make it sound like my life is awful and that I have no contentment (even though it did come off like that). I'm a very happy guy with a lot to be thankful for so this isn't like I'm losing an arm or leg, its just something I've put thought into. See guys are well at least most guys have kind of a conquer personality to them (challenges make us do whatever we have to do to win, but when we do its no more fun). Since me and her last spoke I was in the mind frame of "well fine i just wont answer her phone calls at all then" almost to get back at her... but I mean for what its not like she has done anything wrong are anything to me you know... I have just come to the conclusion that when she calls we can talk.. another thing is it seems like when we do speak to each other the conversation ends up going right back to how I feel which is so stupid... I should just keep it short and sweet like I would with any other "friend" I talk to right?

One more question: I've basically given you all the whole scenario of what's been going on.. have I gone to far for her to see through all this stupidity I've brought about?

But anyway thanks for all the help peps... I feel like I just went through a semester of get your act together idiot 101. I appreciate.. and let me know what you think about this post..

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

Wow i can't believe i got this much feedback so quick.... thats pre awesome..

Yeah there's an awesome bunch of people here with various backgrounds. To be honest there's usually a few more but I think they took time for the holidays.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

ya i understand everyones point of view. Chuff made the statement that shes given me nothing which i agree with and at the same time dont agree with. she has given me time and thought if that counts...haha.

Sorry bro, that don't count. You give her the time when she wants it. In other words yes, she will spend time with you but at her choosing.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

i didnt mean to make it sound like my life is awful and that i have no contentment (even though it did come off like that). im a very happy guy with alot to be thankful for so this isnt like im loosing an arm or leg, its just something ive put thought into.

Most people have a lot to be grateful for but they don't realize how good there life is. I have friends fighting in Iraq and they have told me about how the average citizen lives over there fighting for day to day survival such as food and a place to sleep. I live in Florida and people will literally risk there lives getting on things that float and attempt to get to Miami from Cuba. Anyone living in a Western civilized country has more to be thankful for than they ever realize. If you focus on what's right in your life and less on what's wrong as you appear to be saying from the above quote it makes finding happiness a lot easier.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

see guys are well at least most guys have kinda a conquer personality to them (challenges make us do whatever we have to do to win, but when we do its no more fun).

Well that's how a women feels. So as it relates to you she has nothing to conquer.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

since me and her last spoke i was in the mind frame of "well fine i just wont answer her phone calls at all then" almost to get back at her... but i mean for what its not like she has done anything wrong are anything to me ya know....

Anger is not attractive to women, so getting back at her by playing that game isn't going to help you. And your right, she hasn't done anything wrong. She's using you for gifts and a place to drop her emotional garbage but she also isn't leading you on, so I really kind of have to side with her a little there.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

i have just come to the conclusion that when she calls we can talk.. another thing is it seems like when we do speak to each other the conversation ends up going right back to how i feel which is so stupid...

Yes. Change the subject to what your going to do this weekend or something. Then tell her after about 5 minutes you've got something to do so she'll have to call back tomorrow.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

i should just keep it short and sweet like i would with any other "friend" i talk to right??

EXACTLY!!

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

one more question: ive basicly given you all the whole scenario of whats been going on.. have i gone to far for her to see through all this stupidity ive brought about??

Well truthfully yes. But if you pull back and change your personality a little, create some mystery for her, and quit telling her how you feel she might wonder what's going on. But your going to have to pull back first. This can't happen overnight.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

but anyways thanks for all the help peps... i feel like i just went through a semester of get your act together idiot 101.

I have actually taken that class many times at many different schools.

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Originally Posted by TheRealDeal

i appreciate.. and let me know what you think bout this post..

I liked it. Your paying attention.

Well I know where to go from here now. Sucks that this is what its come to but things happen, most of which we don't know why. You I def. know what your talking about concerning the quality of life I'm living. My dads full cuban and just to hear what my family has been through is rough. I'm blessed to have what I do and still my pride gets in the way (get that). Anyway hope for the best ill let you know what happens from here if your ever interested.

I think you're going to have to accept the fact that she may have different goals than you right now. And you're coming perilously close to wearing your heart out on your sleeve too much and entering the so-called "friend zone." Once there, it's very hard to get out and be anything but. Being a little aloof and mysterious is actually much more attractive to women. Put yourself first and do what's right for you. Have fun with this woman but don't build your world around her. Concentrate on your studies and the rest of your social life as well. Get involved in other activities around campus and in the community. Don't put a disproportionate amount of importance into this girl and what you wish you had.