Hi Everyone,

I am currently dating a guy who is 37 (I am 28), who has a girl aged 8. I have never dated someone with a child before. We have been dating a few months now,and we see each other once or twice a week or so. We are going on holiday soon together (his idea actually notmine) for 2 weeks, alone. We met on a reputable dating website, and we are both looking for a long term, significant relationship.

I don't have a problem with the fact that he has a child, and I utterly understand that the child comes first, and that the child need stability. I sense that he is very private, and that I am not yet "let into the circle so to speak". He comes to my house usually, but I have only ever gone to his house once. He told me that doesn't introduce women that he dates to his child until he knows that they are special. i.e. he has only introduced one person to his girl in the last 4 years. I know that I can't expect this now, but I am just wondering what kind of time frame we are talking. I have been able to be fairly open with him so far regarding my life, and he has even met some of my good friends. I have to admit that I am finding his reluctance to share much of his life with me, a little difficult, yet I have no benchmarks to judge his behaviour by. I can be understanding, but I don't know how understanding to be, or at what point I feel like I am not good enough. I have to admit that I feel like he is sizing me up, judging me a lot of the time, trying to work out if I fit his 'criteria'. I feel a bit uncomfortable about the whole thing and I would definitely appreciate any advice.

What should I, and what can I expect to be different when dating someone who has a child. I know it must be different, and there must be some of you out there that could give me advice, from both points of view.

He told me that his last relationship didn't work because "she couldn't cope with the fact that he has a child", and I don't know what this means. I understand that the child will always come first, especially early on, but there must be a point at which another person also assumes some level of importance in your life if you like them and want to be in a relationship with them? I have made it clear to him very early on that I am not after "fun" but am looking for a meaningful relationship/the one.

I wouldjust like to say one more thing. He asked me quite early on to "go exclusive" with him, and to stop dating other men, after a few dates. I have to admit that I was quite surprised, but I said yes, because I felt good at the time. I assume that means that we are boyfriend and girlfriend or am I wrong? I overheard him talking to his mum on the phone last night and he said that he was at a friends house, which kind of made me a little upset,given that my parents/friends know about him, and that we are somewhat intimate together, apparently dating each other exclusively, and going on a 2 week overseas trip in a few weeks.

I also have one other question. I am a little upset by the fact that we had planned to spend yesterday evening together. He even knew that I had changed someof my plans to be able to do so i.e. postponed seeing another friend. However, when he did arrive (I knew he had a very long day at work), he just stayed for about 30 minutes,and then went home, and spent most of his time on the phone talking to other people. I have to admit this made me a bit miffed. I said that I was disappointed that we didn't get to see each other properly because I had beenlooking forward to it, but he didn't say sorry or anything. He just said that "that is what you get after such a long day". I can completely understand himbeing too tiredto hang out,but a sorry would have been nice I suppose. He also doesn't often answer my texts (I would not text more than once or twice per day if anyone is thinking that perhaps I am being intense; I don't think I am). I feel a little as if I have to fit into his schedule or else we wouldn't see each other.

I may be blowing this whole thing out of proportion,but I do feel that there is some discrepancy between our expectations of each other perhaps.I would really appreciate some perspective on the issue. To add to that, I haven't really ever dated before. All my previous relationships have been people I already knew through work/friends etc

I don't honestly know where I stand with this guy. I am not in love with him, but there is definitely potential there from my point of view, and I am attracted to him. I don't also want to rock the boat too much especially as we will be spending 2 weeks alone in an overseas country together! CONFUSED ++ UNCERTAIN HOW TO APPROACH SITUATION?
AM I BEING PLAYED? FEEL I AM GETTING MIXED MESSAGES.

Thanks to all you wise people out there for reading this... I feel totally incompetent!

Hi Sandal.

I can completely understand why he hasn't yet introduced you to his daughter. Think of this from the his point of view. If he introduces you now and things don't work out, how will that make the child feel? What if she adores you? What if she really likes having you around? Than you break up and her heart is broken. It's not something a child should have to go through.

You're dating him so you're dating her too, in a very real way. He's willing to risk his heart to you, but he's not yet willing to risk hers.

Now for the texting. I'm 39, and I can tell you that I hate texting. I refuse to do it. I would much rather talk to someone in person or on the phone than through text. He's not that much younger than me. It could be that he feels the same way about this new form of communication. It's not for everyone, it may be he's one of the people that can't stand it. That may be why he's not texting you back.

I don't think you're being played. I think he's being cautious. He doesn't want to jump into anything too soon because he can't only think about his own feelings, he always has to think of his daughter's feelings as well.

Just have fun, talk to him about any concerns you have. Talking is what builds a strong relationship. If you're confused about something, tell him. If you want to know why he's not texting, ask him. Instead of guessing what's going on, find out by talking to him.

Good luck and enjoy your trip.

Let's get the texting out of the way first. I greatly dislike texting especially as a means of communication. It is great for data such as phone numbers or addresses, but it doesn't do well in conveying thoughts and ideas. Ask him what his feelings on texting are. They could be along the lines of ours or he may not have a texting plan on his phone.

Next, the daughter. You seem to have a good understanding of his responsibilities as a father in protecting his child and her concept of the world. Part of that protection extends to those who might say something around her or to her about his dating (for example: his mother). There really isn't a time-frame for introducing you to the child. There are too many factors going into a decision like such as that one to be able to say anything more.

He probably is 'judging' you. Making certain you are someone who is trustworthy and won't destroy his and his child's life. It is probably important to him to find someone who is compatible with his Beliefs and Ideals or who is understanding of the Beliefs and Ideals he wants to raise his child with. Another factor is habits-both good and bad. Being polite is good. Gum popping is probably bad.

The last girlfriend, probably didn't understand the caution he used with her. She may have felt that she should come before the child at all times. She may have have been jealous of the attention and protection he gives his daughter. You can ask for clarification.

Now, the red flags. Communication. A long, hard day does not excuse him from being polite. It does not give him permission to dismiss your feelings with a 'that's what you get... ' and without a 'look, I'm sorry things aren't going as planned.' You need to have a talk with him. His schedule is important because of the child and her schedule. However, he can't use her as an excuse for his own bad behavior in ignoring your rearranging your schedule to spend time with him.

He may not have introduced you to his family/friends, but does he talk openly about them? How 'private' is his life? If he expects you to share details of yours, but gives little to no real details about his own, I would start questioning the 'single' status or his need to be in control of the relationship.

Good luck.

Sounds like he's not ready to be in a serious relationship, but he's still interested enough to keep getting to know you better.

He may not be going at the pace that you would like, but that's the pace he's comfortable with. So you either accept his pace or leave him be.

Thank you so much guys. Your comments made a lot of sense actually. I will just be patient and see what happens, and perhaps provide you with more questions along the way!

Alte, I definitely hadn't thought about the generational text thing. You are probably right. I am from the texting generation, and he probably holds a very different attitude to texting.

I would also like to say that I hate text too as a form of communication, except when it comes to thing slike practical organising, times, dates etc. It is NO way to talk about feelings. In fact texting seems to feature a lot in questions on this site and others! Sometimes I wonder if it is the cause of a lot of problems and misunderstandings! I would like to chat in person, but I guess that involves him staying longer than 30 minutes!

Cat, about the incident with the evening we were meant to spend together. He might have just been tired. Should I just let it go once more? Because I sometimes work 16 hour days, I do understand that sometimes you just want to go straight to bed. Men are also not always good at picking up feelings, although I did think I made it quite clear that I was dissapointed in how the evening had turned out. Perhaps If I let it go this once it is OK... as long as it does not become a repeating pattern of behaviour??

Cat: he does talk to me about his daughter and Mum and friends, so I suppose that is his way of including me in his life right now. He has made the comment to me previously that he is cautious and quite protective of his feelings and himself.

One other issue that I have since found out, is that after he asked me to exclusively date him only, I left the dating site that we met on, and deleted my profile. I checked today, and he still has his profile up and running... Oh dear. Sounds a little suspicious. Keeping his options open?

Will keep you updated, need to think about things, and to talk in person.

I also just wanted to say Thank you TO EVERYONE ON THIS SITE THAT HELPED ME GET THROUGH, AND FIND THE SENSE TO LEAVE MY LAST AWFUL RELATIONSHIP. YOU GUYS WERE A GREAT HELP TO ME IN FINDING CLARITY IN A SITUATION IN WHICH I FELT TRAPPED. I AM IN SUCH A BETTER PLACE RIGHT NOW, AND I LOOK BACK AND THINK WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING... HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO STUPID..! Thank you Thank you.. YOU GUYS ARE GREAT. THIS SITE IS GREAT

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Originally Posted by sandalwood7

Cat, about the incident with the evening we were meant to spend together. He might have just been tired. Should I just let it go once more? Because I sometimes work 16 hour days, I do understand that sometimes you just want to go straight to bed. Men are also not always good at picking up feelings, although I did think I made it quite clear that I was dissapointed in how the evening had turned out. Perhaps If I let it go this once it is ok... as long as it does not become a repeating pattern of behaviour???

One other issue that I have since found out, is that after he asked me to exclusively date him only, I left the dating site that we met on, and deleted my profile. I checked today, and he still has his profile up and running..... Oh dear. Sounds a little suspicious. Keeping his options open??

I also just wanted to say THANKYOU TO EVERYONE ON THIS SITE THAT HELPED ME GET THROUGH, AND FIND THE SENSE TO LEAVE MY LAST AWFUL RELATIONSHIP. YOU GUYS WERE A GREAT HELP TO ME IN FINDING CLARITY IN A SITUATION IN WHICH I FELT TRAPPED. I AM IN SUCH A BETTER PLACE RIGHT NOW, AND I LOOK BACK AND THINK WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING... HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO STUPID....!!! THANKYOU THANKYOU.. YOU GUYS ARE GREAT. THIS SITE IS GREAT

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I am very glad you are in a better place now. :)

Remember that you do have your own life and your interests are important too. What was a red flag for me was that he seemed to have dismissed your expressed disappointment. Talking with him about it should clear it up. People do get short when they are tired. However, he wasn't too tired to talk to other people during the 30 minutes he did spend with you. There is a line between understandable and inconsiderate. You will have to determine where you draw that line.

On the dating site: Ask him about it. He asked you to be exclusive. Make certain it goes for both of you.

Being protective of his feelings and his daughter is understandable until he asks for what he isn't willing to give. If he wants you to be exclusive, but he is 'keeping his options open'. There is a problem.

Go slow. Enjoy dating.

If he's dating exclusively with you, but, a protocol seems to go on dating sites, hasn't removed his profile, that means he is having his cake and eating it too. He is still available if he has an active profile on a dating site. That would be suspect right there.

As to his child. Does he have full custody of her? I can see his reluctance to have you in 'his world' if he is responsible full time to an 8 year old. But, if he is sharing custody, or has visitation every other weekend, then I see no reason for him not to have you in his home. Nor is there any reason why you shouldn't know who some of his friends are.

I don't see trauma for the 8 year old, with just knowing he is dating women. That doesn't mean she's getting a new mommy. What's with all the smoke and mirrors. It sounds strange to me that, while at your house, this 37 year old man gets a call from 'his mother'? Does he live with his mother?

It is convenient for him to say that he doesn't introduce anyone to his daughter until he is sure, or is it a cover (and a good one at that) to keep you at bay, and not know too much about him. And, to me, it seems a questionable excuse to say that his last relationship broke up because his last girlfriend couldn't handle him having a child. Maybe the child thing is a cover, and there is no 8 year old child.

I know I'm presenting the flip side here. But you've only dated a few months, and the getting to know you part, is him getting to know you, not you getting to know him. You really know nothing about this man whatsoever. I am suspicious that him keeping you in the dark about who he is, who he lives with, who his friends are, etc. are a convenience, because he's probably not dating you exclusively.

My gut tells me that his presentation of having you think that he is a protective father, and has high standards, thus you feel judged, is a bit off. I think it is entirely possible that he has very low standards, and he is not who he says he is- at least potentiallly.

Before you go on this trip with him, ask yourself about who's needs are being met here. Apparently his goal was the same as yours, a long-term serious relationship. But, he's still active on a dating site (a no-no if you are exclusively dating someone), you are shut out of his life, and have no clue as to what his motives really are.

If it were me, I wouldn't be going anywhere with this guy until I knew who he really was. If he's not willing to involve you in his life, and keeps you at arm's length in all aspects (including communicating with substance), he is using his daughter (if he has a daughter) as an excuse.

Sounds like he's got a good thing going on here- for himself.

Jake, having been the child in a situation kind of like this, I can say that it is confusing when someone is there one day and gone the next. It isn't expecting a 'new mommy'. It is that another person left. It doesn't take many 'girlfriends' leaving before the child starts wondering if these people are leaving because something is wrong with him/her. It, also, becomes a lesson in relationships always end.

A child doesn't understand adult relationships and how dating works.

I getcha Kat.

I see nothing wrong with the father dating, he has probably had many girlfriends over the years, but I am not convinced that he isn't using the child as an excuse, to keep himself in, only enough to get what he needs, without giving anything of significance of himself.

I should have said that, if he is on the up and up here, he is doing the right thing in not introducing our OP to her, but, does he even have custody full time? The child has to be protected of course, and I'm not saying that he even has to introduce her, but, to have a life so secret seems off.

So, my point really is that while there is potentially a child in the picture, who should be protected of course, It still feels to me that that is an excuse to keep her at arm's length from all aspects of his life.

He is a player I think.

I hope I'm wrong.

Jake, I fully agree with you even to the point of hoping I am wrong.

Any man that is really hesitant to introduce a woman to his children doesn't ask her to be exclusive right away. My advice to remember your just starting to date him not getting engaged. I know you say you don't haven't dated a lot, so first rule is don't push yourself to fall on your face. Don't give up your listening skills to just hear what your heart wants to hear. He knows of your inexperience in this area,because you told him EVERYTHING about you. You left nothing to imagination or for him to wonder will she accept this behavior or not. Don't paint yourself as desperate, everyone deserves respect.

He sounds like a very caring father who is putting his child's welfare before his own needs. You have to respect him for that. So if you want a future with him, then you probably are going to have to move at his pace. But you should not be so willing to let him call all the shots, if for no other reason then for your own self respect.

Update:

We have just had a really good holiday. He was sick part of the time, so a bit grumpy, but he apologised for it. Otherwise we got on really well and had a lot of fun,and everything seemed fine. He held my hand on the aeroplane on the way home, which is something he doesn't normally do (I don't know but I am guessing he is not a fan of public displays of affection?). He hugged and kissed me goodbye last night when he dropped me off after we arrived, and I really felt we were on good terms. I honestly felt like our holiday and been good for our relationship, and we were way more comfortable with each other.

Now I am completely confused and bewildered. We both took loads of photos and I went to put some of mine up on Facebook, and I went to check his page to see if he had uploaded some of his photos (he is a really good photographer), and SHOCK HORROR, I found that I am no longer his friend on Facebook. WEIRD. I am absolutely at a loss to explain this. To delete someone as a friend you have to answer a secondquestion "are you sure" so it seems unlikely that this is a mistake. I really don't understand this at AT ALL and I feel upset. It does not seem to bode well. Please help me if you can, if only to understand why he has done this, or what he is thinking, it would be a great help, and would help me make my next decision. I am beginning to feel very insecure about this whole thing and it is not good.

Thanks guys
Sandy

Have you tried contacting him to ask what is going on? It's where I would start.

Thanks Cat

No not yet. I am kind of in shock. This is something that I never expected even in my wildest imaginings. I have just had a great holiday and now this. Trying to get my head around it.

Sandy

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Originally Posted by sandalwood7

Thanks Cat

No not yet. I am kind of in shock. This is something that I never expected even in my wildest imaginings. I have just had a great holiday and now this. Trying to get my head around it.

Sandy

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Keep in mind that it could be someone else playing games. He may not have been the one to delete you. You won't know until you try talking to him.

Don't get your hopes up, but do get the facts before you do or say something you can't take back.