My boyfriend and I met online a few months ago and there has never been a guy to treat me as well as he has (granted I've only had one other boyfriend before). I asked him before if he's ever gone to stripclubs and he answers very nonchalantly that it was a pastime activity he and his friends did when he was younger (he's 30 years old now). That bothered me. Then I asked if he's ever received lapdances and he wouldn't answer. I ask a couple months later and he finally tells me he has. I ask how many and he says he didn't keep count. Now I can't even kiss him without rubbing my lips with my hands after. I think lapdances are VERY disgusting and it takes a person with a certain mentality to enjoy those things and dirty themselves with girls who have rubbed everything they had on a lot of men already.
I KNOW that I am overreacting, especially since he has treated me so well. We were even planning to move in together soon... But I CANNOT hep but feel sooooo unterrly disgusted that he enjoyed having dirty women rub their private parts and boobs all over him. Now I question every time he looks at me during sex whether that was the same look he gave to those girls.
Is this a dealbreaker? Strip clubs and especially lapdances I find utterly disgusting and goes against all my morals. I know I am a minority when it comes to feeling this strongly about this issue, but please help me based on my own individual feelngs and not on the majority idea.
Thank you,
Very Sad and Confused

You asked if this is a deal breaker, and it obviously is, for you.

You wipe off his kisses, you find his past actions disgusting, and you're questioning who he is because of this. If you can't accept it, realize that it's in the past and he didn't even have to tell you because really, it wasn't any of your business, than this relationship is over.

Everyone has a past. You may find strippers revolting, and you did say you're in the minority when it comes to feeling that way. You're right. But, how could he know that his past actions would have this effect on a girl he met now?

It's not fair to judge him for things he did before he met you. I'm sure you've done a few things in your past that he may not be okay with now.

The past is the past. Either let it rest there or find someone else for your future.

Well, it seems to me like you have some sort of mental block. You have a BIG issue with his past and unfortunately, if you love him enough and want a future together, you'll need to just... get over it. I don't mean to make that sound like an easy thing. I know it's not. But it's his past.

As long as he's not doing it now, it's up to you to forgive and (try to) forget. I guess if it's something you can't live with, you'll have to move on.

One bit of advice though, if you're not over this, do NOT move in together. That won't make anything better.

As for it being a dealbreaker... well... anything can be a dealbreaker if you're not comfortable with it being a part of his past. If you're not, break it off.

With all due respect, 'get over it'. Not to sound horrible, but it is quite normal to go to strip clubs particularly for men. Just because you don't like it you should respect his choices. Men have a higher sex drive than women and as a result have a lot of fantasies... as do women. If you going to focus on anything just make sure he's not caught any STD's in the process but other than that - you never going to have a happy relationship if your fussing over normal things like that. I think you would benefit from being abit more open minded. If it bothers you that much, find a man who hasn't been to a strip club - but good luck with that!
Please don't take offense, but you may find you might be more relaxed if you adopt an attitude like this.

Honey--a few things to think about.

1. It happened before he met you. He is NOT accountable to you for any actions that happened before you even met.
2. You have serious issues regarding strippers. I would get some counseling on this. Most strippers are NOT sluts or whores--they're college students taking an easy way to get tuition money, or women who are trying to support their kids, or women who need extra money because they're supporting their mentally ill parent, or whatever. You see them as "dirty women" when really--isn't it the men ASKING for it that are dirty? Lap dances are NOT sex, and men are generally not allowed to touch the merchandise during one.
3. Men like looking at naked and near naked women. If you can't get past that, you might want to look for a guy who is willing to say he wore blinders his entire life until he saw you. No man in the world is going to turn down a chance to look at a semi-nude woman. That doesn't mean he wants to have sex with her--just that he likes looking.
4. This is, indeed, a dealbreaker--but not on HIS part. It's a dealbreaker on YOUR part, because you can't deal with his past. My question for you is this: have you talked to him about this, and told him how you feel about it? If not, you are doing HIM a great disservice. If he doesn't have the whole story of what's going on in your head, then he is in love with a lie--because if you haven't told him, he doesn't have the chance to defend himself, nor does he have the chance to determine whether your attitude is a dealbreaker for HIM.

I suggest sitting down and talking to him about this. I also suggest seeing a counselor to get to the root of why you see strippers as "dirty women".

Though I echo pretty much all that was said I need to add a few things. I have been to strip clubs and had lap dances. Ah... the halcyon days of youth.

What you need to understand is that there is no skin on skin contact. Ever! Period. When the girls are dancing there is a solid area between where they're dancing and the patrons. No touchy touchy. With lap dances, the women are clothed. The guy isn't going to be sucking on her breasts. She will rub them on his face or whatever. There is no skin contact. There is just the thought or idea of skin contact.

That is what the strip joint sells. Ideas. Fantasies.

I also think it is very judgemental of you to call these women dirty women. They aren't. They're working women just like anyone else. Instead of flipping burgers with are exposing themselves. It's a job. Looking down on them speaks poorly of your moral character. Sorry if that's harsh.

As for your boyfriend. What he has done before you met has passed its statute of limitations. You can't get angry with him about it. If he continues to go knowing your disdain than it is an issue. In the end he gets a by for what happened before you met. You've no right to be angry.

This is a hang up for you and it is a deal breaker with you. It comes with the question, is this something you can deal with? Or is this something that will haunt your relationship until your eventual messy break up. If you don't think you can let it go than it's done. It's over. Break it off now before you get deeper in.

As well, good luck finding a guy who hasn't been to a strip club.

I hope you figure this out.

I'm going to stray from the above comments. You're not wrong. You're entitled to your own opinions and feelings just like the rest of us. But, regarding your relationship, where you're now disgusted by your boyfriend, you should really think twice about moving in together.

Seriously... get over it. He had a life before you... you had a life before him. Keep in mind you can't have it both ways... and I can guarantee you , that you have done something before you met him you aren't exactly proud of. How would you feel if it was him complaining about that instead?

I mean damn, he got a few lapdances... Ooooo ahhhhhhhhh... he may have actually kissed another woman before too? Worse he may have gone down on her orally. Oh the horror...

I mean seriously... are you that insecure with yourself you have to complain about something he and many , many men have done before he met you. Seriously... exactly what does this have to do with any relationship he has with you?

I see some seriously controlling aspects to what you are saying here... think again... how would YOU feel if it was him that was picking apart and criticising every aspect he learns of YOUR life before he met you? How would that be any different?

I'm not trying to be harsh, just trying to be realistic here... going into a relationship with this sort of an attitude is going to condem it to failure. So what he isn't going to be nominated for Sainthood, neither are you, and neither are nearly every other living human. Lighten up... worry about the future and the parts you have some part of. You can't change the past... stop dwelling over it and holding him responsible for what ammounts to your own insecurities. It will only cause problems if you can't.

The question should be is how long will you hold his past against him?

Don't move in. or have sex any more. Until you are over it. I think you talk to him about your feelings, and give him some honest choices too!

Be glad that you didn't end up with someone like... me. My wife has never asked about my past. She knows the basic "theme" of my single existence, but not the specifics. I am disease free(amazingly), and monogamous, and that's all that matters to her. She accepts me for who I AM, not who I WAS.

I had fun, just like I should have. I lived life to the fullest. Just so I wouldn't be tempted to stray when I did find that "special someone", and wanted to marry her.

The same goes for me. I don't care to know about her past sexual experience.

That's what true love is all about. You accept, and move forward. The windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror.

Learn to get over it, or find yourself some young Amish guy.

I'm sorry, but this is indeed quite prudish. And yes, you are over-reacting. But you are entitled. Just let him know before he invests any more time and love on someone who's revolted by him.

It's only fair. And he DID tell you the truth about it.

If it is a dealbreaker for you, than this is it, you know your answer already. There may be million people on the internet telling you to get over it, but you're the one who either will or won't. You know your limits, and only you can decide what you're comfortable with in relationship. If it's always going to stand between you and him, you'll be better off with someone else.

You are right. I never thought of it from the other side. It Is the men who are dirty to ask for those things.

Thank you all for having taken your time out to give me such great advice during my dilemma. I spoke to hime extensively about it and the most important issue to me now is whether he still has the same mentality to want to go to those places. He says that as he grew older his opinion about it has changed. I am content with the answer for now. We are better and I think it just took me some time to try and get past what I know is not his fault. I still don't like the idea that he did go in the past to receive lapdances though. And it's the lapdances, not the stripclubs that bother me.
Thanks all!

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Originally Posted by tranismyname

Thank you all for having taken your time out to give me such great advice during my dilemma. I spoke to hime extensively about it and the most important issue to me now is whether he still has the same mentality to want to go to those places. He says that as he grew older his opinion about it has changed. I am content with the answer for now. We are better and I think it just took me some time to try and get past what I know is not his fault. I still don't like the idea that he did go in the past to receive lapdances though. and it's the lapdances, not the stripclubs that bother me.
Thanks all!

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This guys sound honest. He took the risk to tell you about his past. A lot of guys I know would keep their mouth shut.

LOL---sorry, really you need to get over yourself. This is a relationship, you know where you give and take, love and cherish, not you being in total control of every aspect of his life. You better grow up and wise up when it comes to a relationship before you lose him. He wants a girlfriend, not a mother or goodie two shoes. Hope he isn't wiping your kisses off when your not looking, all consuming control never taste that good!!