I really was a crappy mother. Was on drugs and left them with their father who was also a ****ty parent. Although he was there. I have done so many things that they have the right to hate me. I just wish they could try and find a place for me in their lives. I understand that I have no right to ask this of them considering all that I have put them through. Do you think there is anyway they will ever forgive me? They are both over 25 yr old.

All you can do is ask them. Let me caution you about seeming insistent about it. That can drive them further away. If they say no then all you have is birthday and Christmas cards to let them know you love them even if you didn't show it.

Are you away from all that bad stuff now?

What are some of the good things and blessings and special efforts in your life now -- things you are proud of?

I agree with Catsmine all you can do is ask and to try. It most likely will not happen overnight but if you can own up to your mistakes, bad choices and admit fault you have a better chance at getting the to forgive you. You need to have patience going into something like this as well.

But if you don't try all you're going to be left with is wondering what could have happened.

I see lots of positive things here.

One is that you are honest, and that is refreshing to hear you lay it out like like. You have taken responsibility for why things are the way they are with your adult children- another plus.

You are ready for a relationship with them, and you want a relationship with them. Plus and Plus!

I know you realize that you are facing a very difficult road, and no matter how hard you try, you may not have the success that you think you will.

That being said, there are things you can do.

If you are in communication with them at all, let them know that, as far as you're concerned, the past is over and done with. Any relationships, and relationship building, will be based on the here and now, and the future. Let them know that you will not accept any communication from them, bashing and re-hashing the past. You cannot change the past, you can only accept it, and it is the same for them, and then move on.

If they are willing, you would be willing to work things out in counselling to deal with the probable abandonment issues, and everything else that they may hold resentment toward you on. If they can all somehow come together to deal with just that part, the past, in a controlled setting, with a counsellor that can help them through all the repressed feelings and anger, that would be a good way to go.

But, the 'outside' relationship will not be arguing, fighting, bringing up the past, and knocking you down for where you used to be. You are not in that place now.

I guess what I'm saying is, set some boundaries, and stick to them. If they are not ready to deal with the past in counselling, and the future without drowning you in guilt, then keep in touch in a friendly way, until they are.

If you have their addresses, send a letter maybe once a month. Tell them what you've been up to, the events in your life, anything you've done that you enjoyed, etc. They will learn that each letter is the 'you', living a decent life, and a life different than what it was. Time will bolster the impression that you are stable, sincere, and clean.

But, other than offer to attend counselling to deal with the past, and a condition to future relationships with them not being an excuse to re-live history over and over again, has to be up to you to enforce. You can't build a relationship, if the bricks built up one day, are smashed down the next.

If there are grandparents or aunts or uncles in the picture, and those relationships are stable, maybe think about enlisting their help to fascilitate what you decide to do with your children.

All the best of luck to you. No regrets- move forward. Life is too short to live in the past.