Ask Me Help Desk - She loves me but wants to date.

So back in June I broke it off with my wife and moved out. A few weeks after a stripper who I have known for about a year asked me to dinner. Well we hit it off great and it was nice to not be alone again. The First few months where filled with the Honeymoon stage, nobody could do wrong and we both wanted to be with each other. She said "I love you first" and told me she would never be good enough for me, as well as talking about long term relationships.

Well due to her exboyfriend going to jail for beating her and her daughter she needed a place to live. I also was looking for a place to live so we stupidly decided to move in together. Within 2 weeks of living together she started pushing me away, and ended all talk of the future relationships with my children and I.

As this happened I did what I always do with a problem and work harder at it, (big mistake). The harder I worked the more she pushed back. After I found out that her exboyfriend had been released from jail and they where contacting each other I confronted her and we got into a pretty bad fight. The next 2 days where filled with some pretty rough makeup $%#. On the third day after everything was "Settled" she went out with her friends to the beach, when I got home from work she was there and telling me she was going to go back out with her friends, now her friend was a male who is def interested in her and I told her I was uneasy with the situation. After 5 AM rolled around with no calls or txt, I made a choice to break it off. When I got out of the shower I found her knocking on the bathroom door drunk as hell and saying she was sorry but lost track of time.

I told her this is the end and I'm not putting up with that kind of crap. Well we both agreed later that day after I got home from work that it was better to be separated and keep casual visits. This was about 3 weeks ago, and the visits are awesome don't get me wrong. However I have an issue, I have feelings for her and she did for me at some point. She is pulling pure commitmentphobe in a txt book case. So I told her what your supposed to tell commitmentphobes and gave her a goal deadline. If by 2012 we are still going on like this I'm looking for a long term relationship. She agreed and I'm moving out this week.

I have a feeling that she will not be coming back to me anytime soon due to the fact she contacted her Ex again yesterday, then took it out on me when he didn't show up. (its his MO) I'm turning into her girlfriend by being around for this crap and she is going after the unavailable Ex.

I have plans with her this Friday the first week out of our house, and again for a weekend trip to see her family in another state.

Some background on this situation is strange, I'm getting mixed signals all over the place.

She wants me to move out, yet her father, sister, grandmother, and daughter all think we are together, we still have amazing "casual visits", and we get along great when she isn't trying to keep in contact with her exboyfriend. I know time will heal her issues with her Ex, and after ditching her yesterday he is in the dog house but still uneasy about this whole thing.

She hasn't cost me any money, so I'm not being used for money, but I do fell used for my emotions.

I know I have the opportunity to have casual sex with a stripper for as long as I want with no strings attached... and I'm *****ing about it, but should I just bail? All signs point to yes.. but good lord this is amazing, I'm handling her finances, we workout together, we go to the bar and have fun. Her friends like me, and her best friend keeps telling me that I have nothing to worry about.

I know she is still in the grieving process with her Ex, and she misses him and his son but being beaten and isolated for 2 years can do that to a person "Stockholm syndrome" I believe its called, with a smattering of Battered wife cycle.

By me being around to pick up the pieces I'm I playing the fool, or doing what a real man should do? How do I compete with a man who has almost killed her and she still loves him?

She has stated that I'm clingy, but I think otherwise I will admit I've been hanging on her the past week only cause it's the last week we will be together in the house, I'm freaking out about being alone again, and she is doing the same.

She has also stated that she does see us in a relationship down the road but she needs to deal with her own issues, as do I with my ExWife and custody battle. She also stated that she wants to date other people and if I have the chance to meet somebody else I should also take it.

So as you can see I have mixed signals all over the place, her Exboyfriend has never met her family, and is unaccepted by her friends. Her daughter and I get along great and both of them feel safe with me. We spend a far amount of time together and enjoy most of it. She even took me out to dinner the other night to surprise me. As far as I can see, she does love me and want to be with me but also needs time and space.

Any input would be awesome.

You are in a mess full of drama and potential heartbreak. Get out of it.
This woman likes the security you give and you seem to like the sex. In the middle is a child and an ex boyfriend.
You are a fool who is picking up the pieces from her mess.

Hello Device,

You have asked many questions, but to me, it seems as if you already know all of the answers.

Device, it sounds as if she has the best of both worlds. She can have mind blowing sex with you, live with you, have you take care of her (even if you say it hasn't cost you anything) and her daughter, make her feel safe and secure, basically all the benefits of a relationship WITHOUT commitment.

You two don't seem right for each other. Not to mention, you both have lose ends to tie up.

Get that taken care if before you start something new.

I don't believe she loves you, or else this exboyfriend wouldn't have such a strong hold over her.

What I do believe is that the sex between you two is great, and that is fogging your head. I see lust here, not love, and I believe that you are afraid of losing that... That.

You have to do what your heart tells you to do, but again don't confuse love and sex. It doesn't seem as if she loves you.

You can not stay in a relationship for the sex. That seems like exactly what you are doing. She is messing with you bad and you need to get away and keep your mind free. What if she does start in with your financial half? Then you will be screwed there too. Even being friends with benefits is to far at this point because I think you would still be to attached. She does not want to be with you, she made that clear. You should move on and make that clear.

As above, you are here for the sex and companionship. You have someone to share your daily life with and 'relax' with also. However, you are trading a great big piece of yourself in exchange. You cannot even keep a 'no strings attached' (or so you think it's that) relationship void of drama and games yet you really think you'll be able to accommodate a real relationship?

Also, your timeline of 2012 seems rather generous of you, perhaps it's her cooking you are having trouble living without. Like an alcoholic who makes deadlines weeks or months or years in advance in order to protect what it is they want.

Furthermore, she seems to have no interest in a long term commitment evidenced by wanting to sleep around (I'd not be surprised if her ex not the only one involved) and contacting her ex. Is that all cool with you? Being the guy that is just there to screw an obviusly confused and lost woman who seems to get involved with the wrong people? To be the guy that is just the lay over until she re-connects with her ex or finds somebody better (make no mistake that is what she is doing with you, else you'd be the one and everything, including the ex, would disappear).

If your cool with exchanging all the above for some good cooking than what else can one say?

Deadline in 2012? Am I reading it right? It's only 2010 here, are you seriously willing to live the way you do now for another 2 years?

Good grief, this woman is such a mess. You make is sound like sex with a stripper is something to die for and you're a lucky man. When in reality there is nothing special about it, and she is not a respectable woman at all.

You're freshly out of break up with your wife.. leave this woman alone as she has nothing to offer you and deal with your own issues.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shadowburn

Deadline in 2012? Am I reading it right? It's only 2010 here, are you seriously willing to live the way you do now for another 2 years?

Good grief, this woman is such a mess. You make is sound like sex with a stripper is something to die for and you're a lucky man. When in reality there is nothing special about it, and she is not a respectable woman at all.

You're freshly out of break up with your wife..leave this woman alone as she has nothing to offer you and deal with your own issues.

I see where you are coming from, and you make valid points, however, her being a stripper should have nothing at all to do with this. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that her being a stripper shoudn't difine who she is. I don't fault her for being a stripper, I fault her for her actions towards him.

Please, with all due respect.

You both are using each other for the feel good, and company, but that's all it is because neither one of you is even close to being in a healthy, normal, relationship. You both have to many issues, and to much baggage, to be good partners to any one, let alone each other.

I could go on, and on, about this use, and be used relationship, but to cut to the bottom line... leave each other alone for a very, very, very, very, long time.

Others too, I might add.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Enigma1999

I see where you are coming from, and you make valid points, however, her being a stripper should have nothing at all to do with this. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that her being a stripper shoudn't difine who she is. I don't fault her for being a stripper, I fault her for her actions towards him.

Please, with all due respect.

That's what OP said:
"I know I have the opportunity to have casual sex with a stripper for as long as I want with no strings attached..."

He made an accent on her being a stripper like it's something valuable, not me. I think I really tried not to be judgmental in my post.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shadowburn

That's what OP said:
"I know I have the opportunity to have casual sex with a stripper for as long as I want with no strings attached..."

He made an accent on her being a stripper like it's something valuable, not me. I think I really tried not to be judgmental in my post.

I understand.

It was just the "not respectable" part.