I am a married woman with kids. I love my family but was lonely. Got into an affair with my best buddy who was single. After 3 years, he suddenly announced that he's found the girl of his dreams and would like to remain friends with me. The thing is, I fell in love with him and I know he feels the same. And its hurting me major to see him move on although I know that he has to. And I am unwilling to let my family go. But listening to him talk about her and all is driving me insane. I tried to be his best friend but I can't stand the pain... so I left. Radio silence for a week and now am missing him. We've been real close to one another, sharing every single thing in our lives and now I miss that. But I fear that if I were to go back as a friend, it'll start all over again... what do I do?

You do what you should have done in the first place. Stay away and work on your marriage.
Don't interfere with his happiness just because you're not happy.
You might use your free time to work on your own marriage. You seem more into him than you do your own family. You have had your cake and eaten it too. You have cheated your family out of the mother and wife that is expected and deserved.
You and your friend have really made a mess of things. I hope he is more faithful to his wife than he has been to the friendship and you have been to your family.
Stay away from him.

Leave your best buddy alone and find healthier adult activities that don't call for you to be a liar and cheater.

You need to make better choices in who your friends are.

It does sound like you are hurting a lot. It is a big loss, someone you love and someone you are best friends with. That was the choice you made... for 3 years. It is unfair to him that it lasted that long... and to your family as well. Maybe some other time you can be friends... but right now, you need to make some decisions and work on yourself, your marriage, and healthy relationships. You need to work on losing your relationship with your friend... you had a chance, and you chose your family, so go be with them. Do what you need to do in order to be with them 100%. They desreve that.
My guess is that this relationship/affair was not healthy. How can you have been in 2 places at once for holidays, etc?? So it was not going to work anyway, should have been over a long time ago. We all make mistakes... learn from them!

You and he ruined a friendship. You are married and he knew that.
Seems to me both of you really deserve each other.

You were lonely? So what ! We all get lonely sometimes, but that doesn't give us carte blanche to cheat on our spouse.

If your husband finds out, you'll lose more than a good friend, you'll lose the husband.

Get over this guy and work on saving your marriage. We all make mistakes but to keep on making them is inexcusable.

I guess I deserved all the answers here. I would not want to justify my wrong doings by giving excuse s it would just be pathetic. But in my defense, I did try and leave him. Apparently not hard enough.I even begged for him to leave me alone. But somehow he has a way to drag me back into his arms. It was a vicious cycle andive been hurt a lot of times by him.

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Originally Posted by Ladyvic

I guess I deserved all the answers here. I would not want to justify my wrong doings by giving excuse s it would just be pathetic. But in my defense, i did try and leave him. Apparently not hard enough.I even begged for him to leave me alone. But somehow he has a way to drag me back into his arms. It was a vicious cycle andive been hurt a lot of times by him.

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Don't risk your family for this guy. Please leave him alone. Be strong and think of how much you stand to lose. We all make mistakes but we can be forgiven for them. I've never been in your shoes as someone who cheated on my husband, I have been the wife who was cheated on by my first husband. It makes a woman or man feel lower than dirt and inadequate and undesirable when a spouse cheats.

There's more to think of than this guy.

He is not your best buddy. Stop calling him that. Friends don't treat each other that way.
Let's see if now that he has a spouse if he will be faithful.
Think of the times you have been hurt by him and all you have to lose.
This man is not your friend. He is poison to you. Stay away from him and work on your marriage.
I wish you well.

Looking back your vision is 20/20.
You will look back in years to come and you'll weep. Would you really want a man who didn't give a second thought to cheating with another mans wife.

Your husband is probably a good husband and father and provider.
Try to think of how he feels if he finds out.

Yes my hubby is a good man, a good father. He was away most of the time and left me alone w e kids and we x communicate that well, wc lead me to cheat. Again, this x justify what I did. Anyway, I am trying my best to repair my marriage. Hubby x doesn't know and will nvr know. But thanks guys. I needed that wake up call... and yes, he's (my so called buddy) not worth it...

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Originally Posted by Ladyvic

Yes my hubby is a good man, a good father. He was away most of the time and left me alone w e kids and we x communicate that well, wc lead me to cheat. Again, this x justify wat I did. Anyway, I am trying my best to repair my marriage. Hubby x doesn't know and will nvr know. But thanks guys. I needed that wake up call...and yes, he's (my so called buddy) not worth it...

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Good for you. Good luck:)

I am wondering about the other side of the coin here Lady Vic.

Saying you are doing the right thing by going back to your family, and leaving your buddy alone, is maybe, I suspect, easier said than done.

Have you given any thought to remorse, or guilt, and does that affect you. I honestly do not mean that in a mean way. I am only presuming that with that void left in your life now, that has been replaced wholely with 'just' your husband and family, is that going to be enough?

If the marriage itself was working, because you had this man in your life, what happens now that he is gone, and how do you cope with your husband, being in the dark. Are you truly committed, will the marriage work, will you tell your husband what you have done?

You sound like a decent person to me, and I mention the above for two reasons.

One is, you are going through the loss of a lover that you have cherished for three years, and who is suddenly gone. That in itself is a process that will take time.

Secondly, you have re-committed yourself to your family, as though that were the only true option you have.

So, I wonder how you are coping with both the loss, and the resumption of your marriage, which was not on solid ground in the first place.

If guilt, remorse and regret set in, it will be for both relationships wouldn't it? What was lost, what could have been, and what is yet to be written.

How are you going to manage it all.

This is to Jake: Seriously, I don't know how I'm going to cope, but I will not mope (hey, it rhymes!). I don't know how to say this, but I have been trying to move away for the longest time, yet could not as he won't let me. I felt like dying but I know it has to be done. By hook or by crook it has to and that is why I came here to share my dilemma. It took me a few strangers across the world to wake me up.
My relationship with my husband is... well... lets just say he annoys me with his dependencies and refusal to step out of his comfort level: both in terms of his career as well as his belief in what a marriage should be. We don't talk about things, we don't argue (seriously... ), etc but those are just excuses that I guess can be rectified (although I've tried for the last 10 years to no avail). I will not go through divorce as I said, he's a good man and a good husband, despite his shortcomings. I know I can't change things that easily, but at least, there won't be 'noise' in the background that will stop me from trying to make this work.
In the case of my lover, I seriously want the best for him. After all, he was my very best friend and I love him. He needs to go on. Both of us knew that this would not go anywhere as he knows I will never leave my family, especially not my kids for him. And he wouldn't want me to anyway. My only regret is that I started this all in the first place. Both of us were lonely. Both of us clicked. Both of us needed someone then. And it got too far. I have asked myself those questions before: the what ifs, the what could have been, what should have been. But it only drove me higher up the wall.
So now I'm just going to push every thought of him to the deepest recess and just concentrate on my family and career. Ive registered myself at the gym. Im at home earlier these days. I have to. For the sake of my sanity.
I knew the actions I have to take to break free and cure myself from him, but yesterday when I posted this online, I had a moment of weakness. I wanted to call him. The replies I received here gave me courage. And my resolution grew stronger. I had gone through bad break ups before although the stakes were not that high then. Ive gotten through them all and I know that I will make it through this time. Time is all I need to heal...
To all who have answered, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Pray that I will come out of this a better mom and wife.

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Originally Posted by Ladyvic

This is to Jake: Seriously, i dont know how im gonna cope, but i will not mope (hey, it rhymes!). I dont know how to say this, but i have been trying to move away for the longest time, yet could not as he wont let me. I felt like dying but i know it has to be done. By hook or by crook it has to and that is why i came here to share my dilemma. it took me a few strangers across the world to wake me up.
My relationship with my husband is...well...lets just say he annoys me with his dependencies and refusal to step out of his comfort level: both in terms of his career as well as his belief in what a marriage should be. We dont talk about things, we dont argue (seriously...), etc but those are just excuses that i guess can be rectified (although ive tried for the last 10 years to no avail). I will not go through divorce as i said, hes a good man and a good husband, despite his shortcomings. i know i can't change things that easily, but at least, there wont be 'noise' in the background that will stop me from trying to make this work.
In the case of my lover, i seriously want the best for him. after all, he was my very best friend and i love him. He needs to go on. Both of us knew that this would not go anywhere as he knows i will never leave my family, especially not my kids for him. and he wouldn't want me to anyway. My only regret is that I started this all in the first place. Both of us were lonely. Both of us clicked. both of us needed someone then. And it got too far. I have asked myself those questions before: the what ifs, the what could have been, what should have been. but it only drove me higher up the wall.
So now im just gonna push every thought of him to the deepest recess and just concentrate on my family and career. Ive registered myself at the gym. Im at home earlier these days. I have to. For the sake of my sanity.
I knew the actions i have to take to break free and cure myself from him, but yesterday when i posted this online, i had a moment of weakness. I wanted to call him. The replies i received here gave me courage. And my resolution grew stronger. I had gone through bad break ups before although the stakes were not that high then. Ive gotten through them all and I know that I will make it through this time. Time is all I need to heal...
To all who have answered, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Pray that i will come out of this a better mom and wife.

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You will and it's going to be tough for a while. You are strong. Remember that. Blessings to you and your family.:)

All judgment aside, you are doing the right thing with your buddy, and you are doing the right thing with your husband.

What I admire is, that you don't sugar coat anything. When I read how you describe your husband, many of those traits mine has too, and probably many wives who've been in a long term relationships too. (meaning longer than 10 months in today's terms ;) ).

You know what you have, you know what you want, you are re-learning life with just one man, one relationship.

Awesome you are at the gym. I ride a bike and swim a lot and feel so much better about everything.

I hope that you stay strong, and keep your resolve. If you need to vent, or you get weak in the knees, come here and we'll listen.

Best of luck.

Thanks Jake and all. I met him over coffee last night. Asked him to read this forum. I guess that was what I wanted... he said that I was too emotional to want to severe all ties w him. Well, u guys r total strangers to me. X emotionally connected to me and x know me yet u all came up with the same conclusions. So he respected all that I have to say n my decision to x see him... but he was still adamant that we remain friends n that I still answer his calls... we work together u see. But heck told him that I x. If it's work related, there's always email. And he went all emotional that it could b an emergency and he mightb on his deathbed (wc was stretchingit a bit too far that I wanted to laugh s this is so not him). Told him he'll have other friends to notify in case ofsuch things happen.
Heh... really stubborn about it. Told him I could be his friend... maybe, x not in the near future and x hold on to my promise s it might x happen... butit was a good thing we met. It was a closure that went well. And the funny thing is, I x feel a thing. I x cry, I x go all emotional this time... just determine. N I kind of like what I felt... its good to feel that detached... again, thank you n yes, bet on it that I'll come here to vent!

Your post would be a lot easier to read if you would stop using text speech. Spell the words out.
Text is not allow here anyway.

Why are you still in contact with this guy?
He has a wife, why is he talking to you?
You have already disrespected your husband don't do the same to his wife.
You don't have to continue being his friend. Stop talking to him.

This is another example of writing style suddenly and drastically changing - anyone else notice?

Is one person posting or two?

Is this a "for real" question or not?

Hard to tell.