Ask Me Help Desk - So sick...

I feel so sick. I have been in love with one guy for about 6 years now and it's so hard because he's a nice guy but he isn't in love with me. We started dating, I fell in love, he started to taper off, he went through some hard times it became on and off but I was still in love and couldn't let go. At first I didn't want to let go,had some self esteem issues, and I started to try to date other guys out of loneliness. I met nice guys I was not physically attracted to and some some jerks; but I would still see him on and off. I considered him my best friend for a long time. Then I tried to do a nice thing for him through another friend of mine and it caused a lot of drama due to extreme dishonesty on her part. I then reacted in a psycho way at one time because she convinced me of a false truth about him. Basically it all came to a head and I found out some dishonest things he did to me also; but it all got fuzzy because of the crazy situation. I thought I would never talk to him again until he called, and we see each other on and off again, but we don't seem as close as we once were. But anyway, we're still friends and I see positive changes in him, and he keeps looking better and better when I see him and it's so hard... When I am with him I feel like the world is okay, but it only lasts a day, and I'm never sure when I will see him again. No one else I have met has compared to him, or they haven't lasted very long in my life for various reasons; so when he calls or wants to see me I am usually available and willing. I'm just at a loss now because I know it's unhealthy to carry feelings like this for someone and they're not as in to me for years on end. It scares me because I don't see a positive ending unless he tells me he's in love with me one day out of the blue; but because I go through other bad relationships like I do, he still comes out on top in my mind and I love him so much I could burst sometimes. Also, Like I said he's a sweet respectful, kind man ( and FINE) & unless I fall in love with another guy( and I'm open to love and waiting) I'm scared; but he's a bittersweet person in my life who adds an element of happiness when I see him. I just feel sick and denied of true happpiness because we're not together after all of this time... What to do?

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Originally Posted by Kia

I'm just at a loss now because I know it's unhealthy to carry feelings like this for someone and they're not as in to me for years on end. It scares me because I don't see a positive ending unless he tells me he's in love with me one day out of the blue; but because I go through other bad relationships like I do, he still comes out on top in my mind and I love him so much I could burst sometimes. What to do?

You seem to have hung on to this 'ideal' relationship for so long that its become hard for you to tell the forest from the trees. Until you are willing to accept the possibility that this guy may never fall back head over heels in love with you again, you will never become truly open to a new relationship,when you close your eyes not only can you not see the world but the world cannot see you either. The problem with close mindedness is the fact that we think that a situation can only have one ending for it to be a happy ending whereas the world is full of possibilities... good and bad ones. You need to stop making this guy your excuse to not date other people when in truth you're just afraid of being hurt by someone else. The trouble with love is that there are good and bad ones, those we choose and those that choose us, but each of these experiences builds character, if you deny yourself this and hang on to this guy for dear life then sadly there will be nothing of you left for this guy to come back to. You will have spent the most part of your life waiting for him that if you do get back together, you will have no experience to share with him, is this what you want?

You need professional help to get you past the point of obsessing with this ex. Your absolutely right in saying this is not healthy and no good can come of this type of sickness, unless you let someone guide you through the steps back to wellness.

Kia,

I am so sorry that you have yourself so sick over this, and I do understand. You are spiraling and it may be hard to unspin on your own without someone to talk all of this out with.

Tal is right. It would be best to seek someone, such as a counsellor, to get all of this off your chest and actually listen to what you have to say and what you are feeling and help guide you through it all.

Kia, do this for yourself. You must feel awful, as though you have no control over your own happiness, but you actually do. It really has nothing to do with this guy, whether you love him or don't, it is more so how you are feeling inside about yourself. Please, go and talk to someone, you will feel so much better. Do this for yourself. Okay?

Well counseling just says I need to change my thinking, but my insecurity issues with myself are still tied in with this guy. I just keep to myself with my feelings now, but I'm becoming more and more isolated because I feel undesirable or something. It's like I showed the best of myself for years to this person and he still gives me excuses for why he doesn't want to be serious with me. He switches from saying he's not dating, to he is dating and I believe it's all a lie, and this hurts too. I try to be mature and be friendly; but then I sleep with him and he leaves again and I'm back to the mulling over him. I feel worse because I haven't been strong enough to just move on emotionally like everyone says I should. I just sent him a text message asking him why I haven't heard from him since last week when we slept together. I feel stupid for it, but I don't know how to stop thinking about him and wondering why he treats me like this.

The biggest thing is that I opened up myself to him emotionally and physically, AND tried to be the best friend that I know how to be. It's like he doesn't want what I have to offer except my body, and I don't know how to deal with this..

You must accept the fact that this relationship is thankfully over and stop all contact with him and don't reply when he contacts you. This is absolutely necessary, and continue working on your issues with your counsellor. Leave him completely alone. Nothing can come of contact with him but misery and more pain.

talaniman, do you think that removing myself altogether instead of finding someway to play it cool will let him off the hook? I mean, I know he knows my feelings & it seems so easy for him to disappear when he wants to. Won't it just be easy for him to write me off if I walk away, or assume everything is fine because I'm probably with somebody else or something?

Removing yourself from the nonsense of his poison behavior will allow you to heal and get a healthy outlook on life where you can make better decisions period. The sooner you cut him completely from your life the sooner you can move on and get the lesson of not allowing yourself to be used. Sorry, write him off, and don't worry about him, this is about you and getting a healthy life.

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Originally Posted by Kia

well counseling just says I need to change my thinking, but my insecurity issues with myself are still tied in with this guy.

You need a more effective counselor Kia... one that will explain how your insecurities and boundary issues follow you wherever you go, regardless of who you are involved with. You need a counselor who will work with you to resolve them. But that only happens if you want it to.

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Originally Posted by Kia

I just keep to myself with my feelings now, but I'm becoming more and more isolated because I feel undesirable or something.

That's not a solution but a byproduct of this arrangement you are in.

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Originally Posted by Kia

It's like I showed the best of myself for years to this person and he still gives me excuses for why he doesn't want to be serious with me.

I believe you did show your best and what you are failing or refusing to recognise is this doesn't mean he will do the same back to you. You imply he owes you that and if it were a real relationship he would, but this isn't a real relatinship honey. Its an affair on a sexual level only. You tell yourself later on in this post-- I'll show you where.

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Originally Posted by Kia

He switches from saying he's not dating, to he is dating and I believe it's all a lie, and this hurts too. I try to be mature and be friendly; but then I sleep with him and he leaves again and I'm back to the mulling over him.

So obviously trying to be mature isn't the same as being mature. You need to see that difference. Also clearly being friendly isn't the solution here so its time to ask yourself what is the solution?

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Originally Posted by Kia

I feel worse because I haven't been strong enough to just move on emotionally like everyone says I should. I just sent him a text message asking him why I haven't heard from him since last week when we slept together. I feel stupid for it, but I don't know how to stop thinking about him and wondering why he treats me like this. The biggest thing is that I opened up myself to him emotionally and physically, AND tried to be the best friend that I know how to be.

You keep trying to force him into making this a real relationship when you are powerless over him.

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Originally Posted by Kia

It's like he doesn't want what I have to offer except my body, and I don't know how to deal with this..

Here is where you finally tell yourself the truth. He only wants your body for sex. If that is not what you want, then stop seeing him. Its really that simple. You need to find someone who offers you what you want and you use the exhaustion from all this to prevent yourself from taking the actions necessary to do that.

First, stop seeing him and let your energy rebuild - it will, I promise. All that trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear has you worn out.

Next, when you get involved again, make sure its with someone available (ie, not married or just newly broken up). He is not the only one on the planet -- there will be others.

Third, go slow and give it time to prove if its working emotionally before hopping in the sack. We can help here on how to negotiate difficulties if and when they arise but you must go slow in building the necessary trust to work those kinds of things out too.

Lots to be learned here and I think you can learn it too.

Thank you for the advice vols...
It is a hard road and I will be working on it ; I guess because he claims to like women who are my "type" but it's only gone so far with me. After giving my best I thought that would seal the deal; not in a maniipulative way but more like a woman going after what she wants. I asked him all of the right questions, and tried to figure out his like and dislikes so I knew what to do. I isolate myself sometimes now because I get a little afraid that whatever made him decide not to be in a relationship with me, another guy I like might see too.

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Originally Posted by Kia

thank you for the advice vols...

You are welcome.

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Originally Posted by Kia

it is a hard road and i will be working on it ; i guess because he claims to like women who are my "type" but it's only gone so far with me. After giving my best I thought that would seal the deal; not in a maniipulative way but more like a woman going after what she wants. I asked him all of the right questions, and tried to figure out his like and dislikes so I knew what to do.

Well you gave it your best shot and lost, but it goes like that sometimes Kia. This guy didn't want more than a sexual fling. No biggie.

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Originally Posted by Kia

I isolate myself sometimes now because i get a little afraid that whatever made him decide not to be in a relationship with me, another guy I like might see too.

If you can call that a solution, more power to you honey. But it sounds more like a regretful surrender, if you ask me. Not good. Its like you are allowing this guy to define who you are, and that isn't a very grown up thing to do. You are being crippled by your fear here and I think that is very worth looking closely at with the help of a counselor. If you can't look at self for fear of what you'll find, then you will remain forever trapped in fear -- THAT will buy you lots of heartache, guaranteed. Do yourself a big favor, see a real Mental Health Professional and let them help you. Learn to trust them enough to help you grow up a bit and get to know yourself (and how wonderful you really are!) and learn how to get what you deserve. You deserve happiness.