Ask Me Help Desk - Lost and Confused

I have a major problem. I was in a relationship for 2 years and me and that person broke up after 2 years in February 2010. I was hurt and depressed and this guy that went to high skool with me was trying to be with me during this time I'm trying to heal from my break up. I told him no because I wasn't ready. H e kept trying, and trying and trying till I finally gave in. .

WE use to talk all night on the phone about anything and everything. But he had issues of his own 2. He been in a relationship for 5 years with a female that had his baby. His baby is almost 4 now. In that relationship he told me she cheated on him numerous times, got pregnant from other guys that he made her get and abortion, he did everyhthing in the relationship and she never helped him out with anything. When she finally started working and got on her feet she never offer to help him with nothing. So now, they broken up, she's with someone else and her baby daddy is with me.He told me that the reason she don't want to be back with him is because he show the baby more attention than her. But she's keeping their baby away from him (the guy I'm talking 2 now). Its like she's using the baby as a weapon to keep the guy I'm talking to running after her. She claims she don't want to be bk with him but she keeps cummin bk saying she she want to be with him but she has sumone. Its like she playing with his head.

Now me and the guy have been talking 4 5 months now and I did a lot for him because he didn't have job so I was with him when he didn't have anything. And I believe that's another reason why his baby mama left him because he didn't have a job. Now he has one she cummin bk. I gave him :
1.Money
2. Buy him food everyday
3. Put 20 inch rims on his car
4.buy him clothes and shoes
5. paid his phone bill numerous times
6.I basically gave him everything he asked me for
I did these things to show how much I liked him and that all females aren't the same. I did these things because he never had a person in his life to treat him good and have finer things in life. But all those were materialistic things and it felt like I was buying him to like me.
Him and his baby mama are going through a lot she put out a restrainin order on him, filed for child support but he wants his son but she won't let him see him, fights him and treats him like ****. When me and him are together I see that he's hurting because he wants his son. I understand that. Noithing that I do for him will evr make him change that feeling. But at the same time he told me that no matter what his baby mama put him through he always going to have feelings for her. He say he still misses her. He told me how I treat him he wishes that she was like that to him. That hurts because I love him and he still thinks about her like that. Its like he using me. I feelhe still want to be with her and he just with me till she ready to go back with him. I did a lot for him and he doesn't even care for me. I don't know what to do. Ever time I break up with him he always say something to pull me back in. he oly likes me for what I do for him and not because of who I am.

It does sound like he is using you. Just like he should have done with her before a child was brought into the situation (I hope he got a paternity test), you should get out and let him deal with his life and the mess he helped make of it.

I know it seems harsh and that you care about him, but he is, in essence, doing to you what she supposedly (I wasn't there so I don't know) did to him.

I am wondering how much it on your part is 'love' and how much is the need to take care of someone. Sometimes, what is thought of as 'love' is a need to be needed. In males, it is the 'knight in shining armor' complex. For females, terms like Florence Nightingale or mothering have been used.

The least confusing way out of this (not necessarily the easiest) is to end the relationship. Make certain that any joint accounts have been taken care of and that belongings are back with their correct owners then go No Contact. NC (No Contact) helps end the confusion and to close the revolving door. No email, phone, texting, FaceBook, MySpace, Twitter, smoke signals, etc. If you don't take the phone call, he can't convince you to stay in a relationship that is for his needs not yours or mutual ones. Give yourself time to heal and be ready to move on.

He isn't ready to be in another relationship. He is still mentally and emotionally with his ex. In a weird way, that makes you the other woman. Don't do that to yourself. You deserve someone who wants to build a future with you. Give yourself the chance to heal and find that person.

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Cat1864 again.

You need to end this immediately, and cleanly as his personal issues are in the way of you both being happy.

This fellow needs to stand on his own, and handle his business the right way, before he is partner material, and you have to completely remove yourself for him to do it, or you will drown in his sh1t!
I have no doubt you care, but you are a crutch to an emotionally crippled person, and better run like hell away from his drama.

It will destroy you in to many ways to list here. His body may be with you, and what you can provide, but his heart, and soul are still with the ex.

Thank you for your advice it really helped a lot. Feeling better. And I'm starting to see things 4 what they are. But what happens when I do leave him alone he pops up to my house or job wanting me to stay with him. I tried so many times.

Quote:

Msbeautiful : thank you for your advice it really helped a lot. Feeling better. And I'm starting to see things 4 what they are. But what happens when I do leave him alone he pops up to my house or job wanting me to stay with him. I tried so many times.

I know you don't want to hurt him, but it is hurting you. It is not a fair compromise in any form or fashion.

Tell him in no uncertain terms (no let's be friends or someday in the future type phrases) that it is over and to not show up at your home or work again.

At your home, politely ask him to leave. Depending on your work situation, you might have reception or someone else ask him to refrain from 'visiting' you there.

IF he continues or tries to get forceful about seeing you, you might have to involve the police for trespassing if nothing else. I don't know his history and people who feel like their support system is dissolving can do things they wouldn't do normally so DO NOT take chances if you feel threatened.

You are taking back control of your life. Don't give it back to him because you feel sorry for him.

Try to handle things as calmly as you can, but do not let him get his foot back in the door.

Remember, do not accept communication from him. Do not initiate communication. Getting involved in things you enjoy can help keep you busy and from sliding back into the relationship.

Thank you everyone 4 your support it really helped a lot

Hey guys its me again. I have another situation. Me and the guy (who has the baby mama drama from the previous post) have been intimate with each other and I no my feelings are getting attached. But we sat don and had a serious conversation.

He told me that He still loves but he don't want to get back with her because of what she's doing just to see his son. Now remind you she's doesn't want to give him the baby or doest want him to see him. He told me that if she wanted to have sex with him he don't know what he'll do then he later said he wouldn't turn her down either. He also said that he still have dreams about having sex with her. It hurts me more and more everyday because I no he still want to be with her but he tells me he doesn't.

He told me that how he was with her: being faithful, caring all the mushy stuff he wish he could be like that with me but its just not their between me and him. What should I do? I want to break up this little thing that we have but I have feelings for him but the things he tell me I no he don't care for me either. I don't no what to do or tell him

Remember that we are still here if you need more help. Exploring the site can be a great distraction.

Good luck.

Ok. I have been with this guy for 7 months now. He took me away from the heart break of my last boyfriend. But he's not over his ex girl friend/ baby mama. Him and his baby mama was together for 5 years and out of that time she cheated on him numerous times and got pregnant from other duded that he paid to get aborted. But we had a talk last night and he told me that no matter what she does to him he will still always love her. He told me that his baby mama is his weakness. But his baby mama won't let him have or see the baby because he pays more attention to their baby. The ony thing she want to do is hang out and date other men. But wants his money.

I always ask him "I no dats ur baby momma u have love for her bcause of ur son but y r u still in love with her. Look how she treat u. She don't love you. she just wanna use u tell shes ready to settle down." she 22 almost 23 and he just turned 25. He told me if she want to get back with him he will get back with her because he just want to have his son back in his life. He said if he cheat on him he don't care because at least his son back in his life.

Then when he talks about me and him its mixed feelings now it confuses me. When he was with her she talked down on him because he isn't have a job, he always was depressed and looked bummy. When he met me, he looking handsome, well groomed and sexy. And dats because of me. I gave him a makeover. Now she want to no wheres he getting money and why he's looking good. But when he gets mad at her he always tell me that he loves and how he wants us to be togethr. But when his baby mama text him or see our pictures on Facebook 2gther and tell him him stuff like how she want to get bk with him and that he moving away from her and the baby he start feeling her again. The next day after she put that in his head, he takes our pics off the computer and he gets defensive again. Like puttin a shield over his heart again. Then onece he do that his baby mama start ignorin him again. Don't want him to see the baby again. Its like she playing with his heart because she feel no matter what she always got him. But he's playing with my heart as well. He told me he wish that his baby mama would be like me. I care for him a lot but I no he don't feel da same about me. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT WE ARE JUST FRIENDS WHEN I THOUGHT WE WERE MORE THAN THAT. He said we're friends with benefits.

He said that he feel a mother and father suppose to b 2gther for the baby and dats how he want to before his son. But his babymama ain't acting like that. She still want to be with other men and not let him go be with other women. Dats why she using the baby. Because she no the baby make him happy. Without the baby he depressed. Is he using me 2 make her jealous??

This needs to be merged with your other thread on this subject.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-504675.html

I thought you were leaving him alone and moving on with your life.

If you distance yourself from his drama, his motivations and uncertainty will no longer affect you and your life.

It doesn't matter what he is doing, what he wants to do, or what he will do! He is caught up still with his past, and you are on a rebound from yours. So is he!!

Sure, there may be a lot of feelings on both sides, both strong, and intense. But there is also a lot of hurt, conflict, and uncertainty from the past, for you both, and unless you resolve your issues as individuals, no way will you be happy together, or be able to work together, as neither of you is healthy enough to be in a healthy relationship, because you both are a crutch for each other to escape misery and pain.

This is a mutual rebound relationship, and you both are afraid to face reality alone, and deal with your issues. That's why you have nothing good going on, except an unhealthy dependency for each other.

To you specifically, he has distracted you from doing what you need to for yourself, by yourself, and this is not love, but gratitude for being your emotional crutch, when you needed it.

Rebounds are great for a while, but they seldom stand the test of time, especially after you have healed properly. Its clear, you have not, but should do so without him.

So you see, it doesn't matter what he is doing, because he does it for his own purpose, and what really matters is what are you doing for yourself, out of love for yourself, besides getting caught up in his BS!!!

U are so right!! I don't no how to end this. Every time I try to leave something keeps pullun me bk.he doesn't see us together in the future. He always tell me that even if we get married 2 other people we always still gone be there 4 each other

Y is he keep playing with my heart?? If he no he don't want to be with me like that why keep hurting me. Its like he's waiting for her to come bk to him