Ask Me Help Desk - Stuck in my boyfriend's past

Hi. I'm katherine. I'm 19 years old & I'm dating this guy named david who just recently turned 20. Me & david have been dating for say... 6 months? I'm whole-heartedly in love with him. I've never really been in a "committed" relationship before. I know that this has only been 6 months but we just... connect.

Anyway, I'm in college right now. Along with david. David has no plans really for what he wants to do. I, however, want to pursue a career in the medical field. David is right there pushing me a long every minute & he told me that he was going to propose after I finished school. <b>this seems all perfect & dandy right?</b>.

WRONG.

Just about a month ago, me & david began to talk about our "past" relationships. Of course, I had nothing to tell really. I had been in maybe 2 or 3 that meant nothing & didn't last very long at all. & to top everything else off, I'm a virgin. I promised to my family & to God & to David that I would stay pure until I was married. David respects me for that.

Let's get into david's past here for just a second. He just ended a relationship with this one particular girl about 8 months ago. Just 2 months before we started dating! & you know what's worse? They both took each other's virginity. Now I can just close my eyes at night & see them two together. Ewe.

You have no idea how bad that hurts. I'm so stuck in his past & I'm trying my best to forgive him & move on but it seems impossible. Now I wonder if he still thinks about her since she was his first? Or if he still has feelings for her or what?

All I know is that this is literally KILLING me inside. I talked to him about it, & he started crying. What guys cry? ( especially over something like that? ) exactly. None.
I need some advice. I need to get over his past. I'm just stuck in it & it seems impossible for me to find a way out.

Please help. I'm dying here.

Well, let's start by getting this out in the open, his past is his past, there is nothing you or anyone can do to change that.

So what if they took each other's virginity? This happens to most young people these days. You are the exception to the ruly my dear, be proud of that. You need to be proud of the fact that you took celibacy so serious, doesn't happen often.

Why does it hurt you? That is what you have to focus on. There is nothing to forgive him for, he did nothing wrong. Now if you can't get over that fact then you need to find someone who is as strong in their celibacy as you are. Someone who is a virgin too. Otherwise you will find this in most other men you meet in your life.

And, yes, men cry!

Hi Katherine, sorry your having all this trouble accepting your b/f's past but honestly this all happened before he met you and unless you can get over it then you run the risk of pushing him away. It may help if you had a trusted friend to talk to or a church official. I wish you luck with this problem and hope it works out for you.

Sorry J_9, had to spread it, but great answer and exactly!

Katherine, I was just re-read the post above as it is great and wonderful advice.

There's nothing you're going to do to change David's past. He's been broken up with this woman for 8 months now. I don't think you have anything to worry about as far as playing second fiddle to her is concerned. If it's a top priority for you to have someone who's remaining pure until marriage then obviously David's not going to be the one. If it's a question of his loyalty, however, then I don't think there's a problem here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by KatherineCT

hi. i'm katherine. i'm 19 years old & i'm dating this guy named david who just recently turned 20. me & david have been dating for say.....6 months? i'm whole-heartedly in love with him. i've never really been in a "committed" relationship before. i know that this has only been 6 months but we just....connect.

Well since your sort of new to the dating scene just be careful because 6 months isn’t that long and when the initial butterflies wear off then the real test begins.

Quote:

Originally Posted by KatherineCT

anyway, i'm in college right now. along with david. david has no plans really for what he wants to do. i, however, want to pursue a career in the medical field. david is right there pushing me a long every minute & he told me that he was going to propose after i finished school. <b>this seems all perfect & dandy right?</b>.

WRONG.

Why do you bring that up? Is that sort of an out for you that he doesn’t have any plans right now?

Quote:

Originally Posted by KatherineCT

just about a month ago, me & david began to talk about our "past" relationships. of course, i had nothing to tell really. i had been in maybe 2 or 3 that meant nothing & didn't last very long at all. & to top everything else off, i'm a virgin. i promised to my family & to God & to David that i would stay pure until i was married. david respects me for that.

So you found a guy that respects you virginity and you choosing to stay that way until marriage. In my book that makes him a pretty good guy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by KatherineCT

let's get into david's past here for just a second. he just ended a relationship with this one particular girl about 8 months ago. just 2 months before we started dating! & you know what's worse? they both took each other's virginity. now i can just close my eyes at night & see them two together. ewe.

So when that thought enters your mind change it to David committing himself to you and not making you prove it by taking your pants off.

Quote:

Originally Posted by KatherineCT

you have no idea how bad that hurts. i'm so stuck in his past & i'm trying my best to forgive him & move on but it seems impossible. now i wonder if he still thinks about her since she was his first? or if he still has feelings for her or what?

Well two months is pretty soon to move from one relationship to the next but again he’s stayed with you for 6 months, not got anything sexually (which is why a lot of guys would stay) and stayed committed. Again, a pretty good guy in my book.

Quote:

Originally Posted by KatherineCT

all i know is that this is literally KILLING me inside.

You choose that emotion. It’s filling in for something else that’s missing. Perhaps a mistrust in David. Change the meaning from he slept with his ex-girlfriend to he’s committed to me at an age when hormones are running through him and it would be easy for him to go elsewhere.

Quote:

Originally Posted by KatherineCT

i talked to him about it, & he started crying. what guys cry? ( especially over something like that? ) exactly. none.

Are you kidding me? You’ve got a guy who apparently feels enough for you that he’s willing to wait until you get married, or at the very least respects you and your beliefs. When you tell him that isn’t good enough and he might lose you because he had sex with one girl in a past relationship that he can do nothing about. So now he fears losing you and starts crying and your riding him for that? Give me a break.

This guy can’t win. And the worst part is he’s done nothing wrong. You asked him about his past, which really had no business in this relationship but you asked and he told you the truth. So the more we get into this guy we see several traits.

1. He’s respectful
2. He’s loyal
3. He values you
4. He appreciates your beliefs
5. He spends time with you.
6. He’s not afraid to express himself
7. And now on top of all that he’s honest too.

Maybe the ladies can correct me here but isn’t that desirable? How many women would love to have a guy like that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by KatherineCT

i need some advice. i need to get over his past. i'm just stuck in it & it seems impossible for me to find a way out.

please help. i'm dying here.

You not dying. Your emotional. You’ve got to change the meaning of those emotions. Every time you start to think like that change the meaning to one of the great qualities I have listed. Change the meaning to another quality I haven’t listed. He appreciates and values you, but if you don’t return the favor he’s going to eventually find someone

By Chuff,

Quote:

You not dying. Your emotional. You've got to change the meaning of those emotions. Every time you start to think like that change the meaning to one of the great qualities I have listed. Change the meaning to another quality I haven't listed. He appreciates and values you, but if you don't return the favor he's going to eventually find someone

I think talking to an adult you trust or your pastor can help you through this as he sounds like a great guy to me also.

Wow! I've been looking for someone who has the same problem as me for a while. I know EXACTLY how you feel Katherine. I'm sorry to say that I don't know what to do though... It's good that all of these people have tried to give advice but I'm sure it doesn't help you because it doesn't help me.

I have been in a relationship for just a couple days over a year now with my boyfriend and the stuff he used to do in his past kills me also. He lost his virginity to someone that wasn't his boyfriend and it was only twice but it still hurts really bad. The fact that he even used to watch p0rn sort of disgusts me. You and me are different in one area though. I lost my virginity to him. I love him so much. We have done so much together. My virginity was a huge part of me and I don't regret losing it to him but his past still kills me. I try so hard not to think about it but I still do sometimes and sometimes I just break down in tears. What we have is so special and that's why I can't break up with him. I feel like this is something that I can get over but when I think I am getting over it it just hits me like a ton of bricks. I really wish there was someone who feels like this but has good advice.

Good luck with everything. I hope you can get through it!

Hi Katherine,

When I was in college my girlfriend had confided in me that she was also stuck on the idea that her boyfriend was not a virgin but she was and she couldn't get it out of her mind. It upset her so much that she almost broke it off with him. So we asked her about what her boyfriend was like. Her eyes lit up instantly when she talked about him. That he was respectful of her decision to be celibate and that he wanted to only be with her. She went on the described all the qualities about this boy, same ones as your boyfriend, and then realised that this was HIS past, and that's where is should stay... in the PAST. This boy was willing to create a future with her and was treating her with utmost respect. THAT you don't get very often... :-)

Anway, what I'm trying to tell you is that you're emotional because this is a little shocking to you. But this really isn't his fault. Look at whether he imposes his ideals on you or allows you to be you? If you are a better person when you are with him, and if he is a better person when he is with you, and you guys can create a great foundation for love together, the past will not matter so much.

My girlfriend married her boyfriend (its like 13 years now), and now they have 3 little mini-mes and are tremendously happy. And the issue of who had sex first was moot, because now they only have sex with each other! And that is what's most important, isn't it? :-)

You have a good "egg" there, keep it and build newer and better memories together. Good luck! :-)

I have to say I have this same problem with my boyfriend and this gut feeling evertime I think about it isn't going away at all. I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months just two day's ago. I know people say you can't change it and if you can't deal with it and everything but its not like that at all. Yeah you can't change it and it really sucks and if you can't deal with it it really sucks too. But just think is he or is our relationship worth giving up for something that you can't do anything about.
What you are doing right now is basically preventing him from doing things with other people but you if you guys do brake up over his past then you have no control of him doing things with other girls at all and that feeling would probley suck even more righht?
Think about it. He's not with them anymore he's with you. With me when I'm with him I look at him and think about how there used to be another around my boyfriends you know and it hurts.. bad.
But it hurts even more when I come home and think about all of it. And yeahh mental pictures all the ing time.
Think about it my boyfriend had sex with 3 girls before me I can't ask questions about it either it just doesn't help, and I see one of them like 3 times out of the week.
And you don't want anything to happen with you two I mean he sounds like a good guy and he's willing to wait for you.
When will you ever find another like himm. Its rare and he seems like a keeper

I have the same problem I'm afraid I know how much it hurts and now I wished I thought about this before I started to fall for him . My friends say I should find out everything like how many people he's been with but I'm scared and don't think I want to know that answer.. He is the sweetest guy Ive ever met and I can't believe how he isn't a virgin too . The situations just got worse as I'm contemplating have sex for the first time and have just been warned by a close friend that he was sleeping with a girl just before he met me. Now I need to ask him to get tested for STD'S and so on. Does he still talk to her? Have I met her without realizing? Questions to which the answers might scare me . I need to get over this somehow =/ I'm meeting him tonight to talk I don't know what I'm going to say . I'm the only virgin I know and people just think its not that important so no on sympathizes with me . Good luck with your situation x

People wonder why men and women alike hide their past and make up lies, because they get villified and crucified by their boyfriend and girlfriend for it. Case in point right here.

Edit: Ugh I just answered a 4 year old topic.