Ask Me Help Desk - Wife is leaving due to my affair

12 year relationship, 8 year marriage headed for divorce. We have two boys now 3 and 1.

A year ago, my wife logged on to my Facebook account and saw that I had just made contact with a woman who I had a one night stand with the week before. I then revealed that I had a three year affair with a woman in my industry that mostly had physical contact at a tradeshow held twice a year with lots of texts calls and emails between those contacts.

I slept with the mistress the first time before the birth of our first son. Thought briefly(mostly fantasy) about leaving, but we had tried so hard to have children(it had taken some of a toll on our relationship and made sex a bit mechanical) that when our first son came I decided I wanted to stay.

I wasn't strong enough to stop the affair.

Continued to drink heavier for guilt reasons and that made it easier to continue to see her in the alcohol heavy tradeshow environment. I also work alone and am a social person so the isolation was unbearable and mistress was in the same occupation so we could commiserate.

Very few social outlets with friends between building my own business and being on the road and having young children.

I had a hard time having sex with my wife, and turned to pornography and masturbation. IT was easier than dealing with the intimacy with her and the feelings of guilt that I was having as she has been a great wife and mother. I have always been into self pleasure and pornography since my teen years.

My wife and I sought counseling both individually and as a couple after she found out about my affairs. She was at that time 7 months pregnant. We got it all in the open. I curbed my drinking back to not getting drunk and having only 3 times in the last year having no more than 4 drinks in an evening. Masturbation and Porn diminished and eventually stopped two months ago. Our sex life was renewed and has been good this last year. I thought we had weathered the storm. I knew I needed to get a new career, but I was the bread winner and we both agreed I shouldn't do anything rash. I did have contact with my ex-mistress at tradeshow; running into her in the aisles of the show. No feelings or desires to hook back up. I was committed to my wife. But I felt I should spare her the grief of knowing that I saw her. In retrospect this was the wrong way to handle it. As she got it out of me and then was pissed that she again couldn't trust me.

I have never been a liar, so in this new sales career of the past 8 years, I learned to spin the truth and I know it has affected me. I have been unfaithful in the past but that was usually when I knew I was on the way out of a relationship. Maybe that is the same thing here, I just held on longer as we had more to lose?

This last year is starting to feel good again and I think we are coming out of it. A long way to go, but still beginning the healing. She even used the word 'Upswing' on my fathers day card.

So a two months ago, her father unexpectedly dies(I also lost my father during this time to dementia. And we also bought a house. And our first born was a poor sleeper so we have been very sleep deprived.) We travel to her fathers memorial service earlier this month and she seems distant, but I chalk it up to her fathers passing. We have been best friends these last 12 years and our relationship has been more based on friendship than crazy love, but we still do love one another.

We get home from the memorial and two days later she sits me down and tells me she has feelings for her boss at work. Divorced himself within the last year, two boys of his own. She wants to find out what this is about and if it will go away. She is also concerned, even if it isn't him specifically, that she is having these feelings for someone else, will this continue later if we stay together. Basically, I created the whole in her heart that allowed him in. And I take full responsibility for that.

They have now dated 4 times. She told me yesterday she can't stop thinking about him and wants to be with him all the time. She has only kissed him previous to last nights date( I stopped asking.) It kills me to see her leaving our life and at the same time I am happy that she is able to let go of the pain I caused her.

We are still living together for the boys. We own a duplex and I mostly am in the upstairs and they are down. I tried going to my moms for a few days on my nights with the boys but we both agreed that won't work.

I feel I need to be here for them and her, but also want to run away and not be face to face with it everyday. Obviously, no contact is a little difficult in our situation, though I have been able to mostly stick to parental interaction and not get into personal stuff the last couple days(save an hour long conversation we had yesterday where she revealed the depth of her feeling for him and how much I hurt her and that she is pretty certain she can never trust me again. Which I totally understand, though it still tears my apart as I caused my best friend all this pain because of my selfishness.

The toughest part for her is losing half the boys in a divorce, which is the only reason she didn't leave a year ago. And then she puts more guilt upon me.

Ive got a great family support group and friends. I considered suicide as then she could have them full time and she would be happy with her new man(though I also know that may not pan out, though they have revealed their relationship to the CEO of the company, which makes it more real.) I can tell she wants to sleep with him and build that relationship but she is being somewhat responsible.

I got to read a few texts between them and emails and I see that they are both open to this. I requested my wife change the password on her phone so I wouldn't see any more.

12 years and now we must untangle our lives slowly and painfully for everyone, and it all is due to my indiscretions.

Dealing with it minute by minute now. It was moment by moment last week. Someday it will be hour by hour.

Man did I f**k up a whole bunch of lives this time round.

Wow. Really what goes around comes around.

Don't blame yourself exclusively for her affair though. Yes, you did her wrong and a big time, but you'd recommitted to your marriage and were rebuilding quiet nicely. There is no guarantee of success obviously, because betrayal of the trust is the surest way to kill any relationship, and adultery is still the most common reason for marriages ending. However, your wife made a decision to have an affair, and that's solely on her and you shouldn't blame yourself for it. She could've asked for divorce instead and only then start exploring her options.

You won't get "half the boys", you will still be a father to them and still involved in their lives.

I hate to say it, but probably the best thing at this moment would be for you to move out, let the dust settle and then see if your relationship ever worth salvaging - that's after she's done exploring whatever she feels for her boss and if and when she will be willing to recommit, and that make take years. There is too baggage right now for you to see clearly, and being a witness to her having an affair will hurt you and kids immensely.

Good luck and keep posting here.

Healthy relationships are based on mutual trust and respect. When infidelity enters a relationship, the trust and respect are fractured, if not broken. For some couples, infidelity can break the trust and respect in their relationship for good, and many relationships cannot be salvaged in the aftermath of an affair.

Cheating does mess up everything, but you can only take responsibility for your actions and then she must take ownership of hers (her own affair). You were wrong for what you did, but she's wrong in what she's doing too.

I wouldn't exactly trust that she's "in love" with him or that she'll stay with him, as I view the relationship as a rebound one. Most of the time when women leave one man for another, it never works out. Also, keep in mind, that if she left you for him, she’ll probably leave him for someone else. The honeymoon state of mind that she's in now may eventually turn into boring routine.

You may as well dust yourself off and move forward without her. Your kids need their Dad, so quit beating yourself up and concentrate on them.

Thanks for the response. I don't consider her move an affair. She revealed it to me prior to her doing anything about it. We discussed it and I did give per permission to see him; a sort of separation. She thought it might help this spell what she was feeling. Personally I didn't agree, but if I came down and said no, it would have only accelerated the divorce(though now we are only three weeks in and they are together a couple times a week and on the phone for hours at night after bedtime.) How do I say no to her seeing him after what I put her through? She devserves to find happiness. And she is in a very confused place right now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Devorameira

Healthy relationships are based on mutual trust and respect. When infidelity enters a relationship, the trust and respect are fractured, if not broken. For some couples, infidelity can break the trust and respect in their relationship for good, and many relationships cannot be salvaged in the aftermath of an affair.

Cheating does mess up everything, but you can only take responsibility for your actions and then she must take ownership of hers (her own affair). You were wrong for what you did, but she's wrong in what she's doing too.

I wouldn't exactly trust that she's "in love" with him or that she'll stay with him, as I view the relationship as a rebound one. Most of the time when women leave one man for another, it never works out. Also, keep in mind, that if she left you for him, she’ll probably leave him for someone else. The honeymoon state of mind that she's in now may eventually turn into boring routine.

You may as well dust yourself off and move forward without her. Your kids need their Dad, so quit beating yourself up and concentrate on them.

Yeah, but she's a pretty laid back simple girl. Not high matainence, which is why I love her, and most likely why I did what I did; I took her for granted. But that is beside the point. She is leaving and I am going to be a single father, something I never imagined Id be in my wildest dreams.

Her relationship is an AFFAIR and your permission out of guilt for her to find her "happiness" doesn't make any difference. You are blaming yourself and your past actions for it, but in all reality you could've been a perfect husband and she still could do it.

Remove yourself before more harm is done. I can tell you what will happen next - the going with a new guy will get tough or her feelings will wear off, and she will run back to you. Until going with you will get tough or she will resend you again for your affairs, and then she will run again to another guy to find her happiness. Rinse, lather, repeat. You don't want your kids to witness all of it.

Move out, let her find her happiness in whatever form she desires. Forgive yourself for your past actions as you can't undo them. Accept it for it is - you marriage falls apart. Unless she will cut the other guy off for good and will recommit to you, there is nothing for you to save here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shadowburn

Her relationship is an AFFAIR and your permission out of guilt for her to go ahead and find her "happiness" doesn't make any difference. You are blaming yourself and your past actions for it, but in all reality you could've been a perfect husband and she still could do it.

Remove yourself before more harm is done. I can tell you what will happen next - the going with a new guy will get tough or her feelings will wear off, and she will run back to you. Until going with you will get tough or she will resend you again for your affairs, and then she will run again to another guy to find her happiness. Rinse, lather, repeat. You don't want your kids to witness all of it.

Move out, let her find her happiness in whatever form she desires. Forgive yourself for your past actions as you can't undo them. Accept it for it is - you marriage falls apart. Unless she will cut the other guy off for good and will recommit to you, there is nothing for you to save here.

And the lather rinse repeat is the other fear she has if we get back together. I know her too well. She will make it work with this guy. Again beside the point for me. I can wait a while for her. I planned on this reconstruction taking at least three years to get back to some sort of normalcy; the time I was with the other woman. I need to do a lot of work on me anyway. And the boys will be a great distraction. I just need to find that new career with more social outlets... tennis anyone :)

Both of you need to stop with the blame game and start behaving like responsible adults,responsible parents.

You made your choices she made hers.

Perhaps now you can work out what's best for the kids.

Get some legal advice,move out,and start living the lives you actually want to live.

Quote:

Originally Posted by redhed35

both of you need to stop with the blame game and start behaving like responsible adults,responsible parents.

you made your choices she made hers.

perhaps now you can work out whats best for the kids.

get some legal advice,move out,and start living the lives you actually want to live.

It is difficult for me to force the issue on ending the blame game as I carry the bulk of the blame.

The children are at the top of my list and I think hers as well. That os why I am not moving out.

Sitting in the car outside the therapist. Legal help is next. Unfortunately the life I want to lead is with her and he boys. Ain't happening any time soon.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slimsimon

It is difficult for me to force the issue on ending the blame game as I carry the bulk of the blame.

The children are at the top of my list and I think hers as well. That os why I am not moving out.

Sitting in the car outside the therapist. Legal help is next. Unfortunately the life I want to lead is with her and he boys. Ain't hapening any time soon.

I'm glad you're seeing therapist because you obviously don't see what damage it will do to your children - you're stubbornly sticking around while your wife is off on her pursuit of happiness. If you're doing it to punish yourself for your past misdeeds and to prove to her you're changed man and you deserved what she's doing, then it doesn't work like that either.

Get out, get your life back in order, your kids need to see you being healthy and happy. Staying in a house in the midst of all this mess will harm them, you and your wife. Right now you're in stage of panic and will beg and plead and will do anything to have her back. But you need to do the opposite - let her go to do whatever she wants to do, get yourself back together and start rebuilding your life.

If later on there will be another chance for you and her, then you will look at it rationally, which you are not capable right now.

Ok so the tables are turned. You don't think yourpast behavior had anything to do with this? Of course it did. She probably had enough of you a while back, and now decided to make herself happy.. This is all too bad, bt she is gone, so get over it

Sorry, no sympathy

I try to put myself in your shoes and can't. Nor even though you have been through a lot, and put her through hell, no I don't justify her action, nor your reaction to it. Okay its over, I get that, and you certainly do, but no way does your previous bad behavior justify hers. She should have just dumped your a$$, and been done with it without The crap, (revenge?). But having done that, man up for once, and get the hell out, and take good care of your kids and walk away from this mess, and hope like hell you learn what goes around, comes around.

My advice
She was wrong, but you deserve it, so handle your business, cry later, and be a good dad, and get off the freaking pity pot because you are drowning in sh1t of your own making.

Sad, pathetic, and deserved. So now what??

I agree. Karma baby.

Now what? Be good?

I have no sympathy for you. You played, you pay. The wife is wanting to mess around with the boss and the kids are stuck in the middle. I wonder who tipped off the CEO? You cheated numerous times and you expect her to help you save your marriage?
You can't always get what you want. You can't mess around with floozies and expect to keep your wife from wanting out. You are a cheater and you are two faced trying to make her feel guilty. What she's doing isn't right but what you've done is unforgivable. Your children were the last thing on your mind when you were screwing around.

You brought down the thunder, now live with it.

Maybe someday the kids will know why their parents really split.

You can tell 'em.

This confuses me. Yes, you had affairs, and after you both went to counselling and put all the cards on the table, she suddenly confesses she has feelings for her boss. These feelings were not just fleeting thoughts, but feelings of wanting to start a new life, with a new man. This didn't happen overnight, and correct me if I'm wrong, but did that come up in counselling?

While I agree that you should not have done what you did, I am not going to throw you to the wolves, and hold you accountable for all that was, and is, wrong with your marriage.

You made choices that you regretted, and confessed to, and attended counselling over, and you did work hard to turn your marriage around. And, she did give you the impression things were on the 'upswing' as you said. She could have ended the marriage at any point, but didn't.

Instead she developed a full blown relationship with another man, and bounces that off you, indicating it is because of what YOU did, that CAUSED this. That, is bullfeathers.

She's either in, or she's out. If she is unwilling to give up her new boyfriend, and get back into counselling, and continue, honestly, to work on her marriage, then that has nothing to do with you. You did not cause her infidelity, anymore than she caused yours.

You are not responsible for her having an affair behind your back, anymore than she is responsible for you doing the same. Both of you have made the same mistake, and neither of you have the luxury of blaming the other.

You have changed your life around, and know that you are capable of commitment, which is more than many men can say. Some carry on affairs in your occupation all of their working lives. You cleaned up in other words, did what we all recommend- counselling- got your footing back in your marriage, and had every intention of working hard to keep your family intact.

And she too has made her decision, and that has put the marriage in the category as 'over'. As in, 'The End'. It is over. She continues to see this other man, and you continue to suffer because you feel responsible for it, which you are not. She, and only she, is responsible for her own behaviour. Nobody has that much power over another that they can force them to have an affair.

Please stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get your butt into a lawyer, start the process of a legal separation and child custody/visitation arrangements, and secure your assets, and find a fair settlement. I can't believe you would sit around, knowing where she's going- to see him- and just accept this without getting the hel* out.

You are divorcing her (and her boyfriend), not your children. Your children will need you more than ever now that they are faced with adapting to a new daddy, and two new step brothers if this goes the way your wife wants it to with him.

Time to stop hammering yourself to death, accept that you both contributed to the demise of this marriage, and that it is no longer possible to resume normal marital relations in any way, shape or form.

Please post again with thoughts on how you are going to resume living again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

This confuses me. Yes, you had affairs, and after you both went to counselling and put all the cards on the table, she suddenly confesses she has feelings for her boss. These feelings were not just fleeting thoughts, but feelings of wanting to start a new life, with a new man. This didn't happen overnight, and correct me if I'm wrong, but did that come up in counselling?

While I agree that you should not have done what you did, I am not going to throw you to the wolves, and hold you accountable for all that was, and is, wrong with your marriage.

You made choices that you regretted, and confessed to, and attended counselling over, and you did work hard to turn your marriage around. And, she did give you the impression things were on the 'upswing' as you said. She could have ended the marriage at any point, but didn't.

Instead she developed a full blown relationship with another man, and bounces that off you, indicating it is because of what YOU did, that CAUSED this. That, is bullfeathers.

She's either in, or she's out. If she is unwilling to give up her new boyfriend, and get back into counselling, and continue, honestly, to work on her marriage, then that has nothing to do with you. You did not cause her infidelity, anymore than she caused yours.

You are not responsible for her having an affair behind your back, anymore than she is responsible for you doing the same. Both of you have made the same mistake, and neither of you have the luxury of blaming the other.

You have changed your life around, and know that you are capable of committment, which is more than many men can say. Some carry on affairs in your occupation all of their working lives. You cleaned up in other words, did what we all recommend- counselling- got your footing back in your marriage, and had every intention of working hard to keep your family intact.

And she too has made her decision, and that has put the marriage in the category as 'over'. As in, 'The End'. It is over. She continues to see this other man, and you continue to suffer because you feel responsible for it, which you are not. She, and only she, is responsible for her own behaviour. Nobody has that much power over another that they can force them to have an affair.

Please stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get your butt into a lawyer, start the process of a legal separation and child custody/visitation arrangements, and secure your assets, and find a fair settlement. I can't believe you would sit around, knowing where she's going- to see him- and just accept this without getting the hel* out.

You are divorcing her (and her boyfriend), not your children. Your children will need you more than ever now that they are faced with adapting to a new daddy, and two new step brothers if this goes the way your wife wants it to with him.

Time to stop hammering yourself to death, accept that you both contributed to the demise of this marriage, and that it is no longer possible to resume normal marital relations in any way, shape or form.

Please post again with thoughts on how you are going to resume living again.

We were no longer in couples therapy since April. She did go to her therapist and explained the feelings she was having and that she had tried to suppress them. The therapist asked her the question, 'what is going to make you happy?' she decided the other guy and a clean slate would make her happy, but she worried about how it would effect the children if we split. The therapist told her that children are resilient.

To clarify, I didn't confess. I was caught. It was only then that I cam clean on both the affair and the one night stand.

I know she would not have the hole in her heart that this new man is fillling if I had not done what I did. She has been a loyal partner through our entire marriage, while I have been the one not always fully committed.

I wouldn't say I have completely changed my life, but I am working in the right direction. Her leaving completely blindsided me and I am only now coming to grips with the reality nearly a month since she told me she wanted to pursue her feelings for this other man.

I feel if I leave it is me who is being selfish again. We don't have an awful and contentious home life. We get along pretty well and there is no arguing and only limited discussions about the situation in front of our 3 year old. If I leave I will be dumping more work on her with the boys which will only cause more resentment.

And do I push for the divorce proceedings to commence? She says she wants it but is not moving in that direction to make it happen. To me the paperwork is only a formality. I have given her the freedom to leave our commitment and to find happiness.

So you are still living together? not sure what you mean by "leaving"
If that's for the kids, then don't. That's just prolonging the agony.

"she told me she wanted to pursue her feelings for this other man" " she decided the other guy and a clean slate would make her happy"

You can still care for your kids without her.

Sometimes we have to live with our mistakes. Even big ones. Life lessons.
Just know that the most important thing is you. And your children.

If she has made her mind up, spoke it in therapy, whatever. Give her that. Let her be & live.

At some point, yeah, you will have to discuss legal issues.

Right now, be a good person & dad, work on yourself.

And know that in time, you will be happy again. Just not with her.

Id move out.

I don't think it's a great idea to stay married in the same house, while your wife persues a relationship with another man.

And the paperwork is significant, it's not just paperwork. If nothing else at this point, it is to get the ball rolling as has been previously suggested, in order to protect yourself, your assets, your children.

It would also be a good step forward for you. She's made things painfully clear that she is seeking happiness for herself. If she wishes to go in that direction, obviously she does, she cannot expect that you will carry on with your tail between your legs, being accepting of this behaviour. She can't have it all!

You can only presume that another man has taken your place. And if it doesn't turn out to be him, then it will be another one. For her to take the steps she has, means she has abandoned her marriage.

I disagree with the therapist in saying that she should do what makes her happy. I have a hard time accepting that as the truth coming from your wife. If we all did what made us happy, we'd all live very selfish lives putting our own needs ahead of our partners, and our children. If she wants to be happy, then stop allowing her to do so at your expense!

Let her be happy moving out. Let her be happy packing her bags and 'finding herself'. She can't have one foot in a marriage, and one foot in another relationship. It just doesn't work that way.

This man that she is pursuing sounds like a real winner. Let her go and figure her own life out, but not at the expense of yours. At what point will you consider your marrige over.

I'm rooting for the wife. OP you blame every thing on being away from home and being along. I'm sure the "other woman" didn't handcuff you to you're bed and make you have sex (although that may be why you like her) You couldn't keep your zipper closed and your paying the price.
I have no sympathy for you.