Hi!

I have been married for 4 yrs. It's a honestly happy marriage, have one child, financially well off. Never thought of anyone else after meeting my hubby. There's this friend of his I have known since we have been married, we occasionally socilalise and I and my hubby meet him and his wife at times.
After 4 yrs, now, I suddenly feel attracted to him. Its not very strong, I mean I don't go weak on my knees, but Its an exciting attraction. I find myself thinking about him, don't know how he feels, don't intend to start an affair, however, its very exciting. He's a very calm and decent person and around 10 yrs. Older to me. What should I do?

Hi Annalisa

Sounds like a passing fancy to me. I think it best you keep busy and let it pass you by, by not thinking about it or dwelling on it. If you ignore your feelings, they will eventually go away. Talk yourself out of it by dwelling on what you would stand to lose if you did turn this attraction into an affair. I know you don't plan to start an affair, but attractions like this can trigger them off, so kick it in the bum before it starts to take hold.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for your reply!

We are in the same profession. I am in business and he wants to team up with me in my business in terms of investments. This is a huge opportunity for me and I know he means only business. He's xtremelly well connected, and professional. My hubby is OK with it, since he's been childhood friends with this guy. What should I do. - go ahead or give up on this business opportunity?

Yeah it does make it harder since he's a close friend with your hubby. But I guess it also boils down to how much you trust yourself not to let this get out of control, and your strength of character to keep your relationship with him strictly business.

I've been married for 17 years, and I have to say that many years ago I had a passing fancy myself, but just laughed it off and ignored it, that worked for me. I wish I could say the same with my hubby - he followed through with his which resulted in at least 3 affairs. So I can see things from your perspective, but I also know how much it sucks to be cheated on.

What a full and rich life we could have if we do not cross the boundries we hold sacred. I believe men and woman should be free to be friends and associate with the opposite sex in business and even social setting as long as the boundaries of decency are not crossed. Unfortunately too many have crossed the line and cheated. Should the rest of us suffer? I think not. But take extra care and talk to your husband, whether he is okay with this or not.

Hi anna,

I do understand what you are saying and I don't want to be too dramatic or make you feel bad. And I am not even sure if the way I think is right. But I share it with you anyway. I am sure you have a happy marriage and do not doubt that. But to me, just to me, I think there is a little vulnerabilty there. Meaning, if you eye was able to wonder enough to now be thinking of this other man, you are doing the right thing in trying to stop those thoughts.

I know you said, "it's exciting". And that is understandable too. But I am sure you felt the same "excitement" when you first met your husband, but as we all know, that excitement level, does lower in time. So it may not be this friend of you and your husband so much that has caught your eye, it may be that you miss, that little bit of excitement. So, try and find ways, to spice things up a little bit at home.

It is a little red flag, not blarring, but one just to make you stop and take notice a little bit, just to make you think. Nip it now, as if you let it go unattended, down the road, someone else may just catch your eye, and then it's a process that may take on a life of its own, and that is what you want to be careful of.

I know from time to time, married people find people other than their spouses attractive, but then they don't give it a second thought. You seem to have given it some more thought than just a fleeting one, and that's why I am just giving you a little friendly nudge to say, be careful and find ways to bring spice in the home, so that others outside the home don't appear to be so appealing. Does that make sense?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by annalisa

After 4 yrs, now, I suddenly feel attracted to him. Its not very strong, I mean I dont go weak on my knees, but Its an exciting attraction. I find myself thinking about him, dont know how he feels, dont intend to start an affair, however, its very exciting. He's a very calm and decent person and around 10 yrs. older to me. What should I do?

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What should you do? Are you serious? How would you react if someone told you you should come on to him and see if you can get laid and then try to break up his marriage, leave your husband and child and see if that makes you happy? I mean honestly now. You know perfectly well that continuing to indulge in this fantasy (never mind acting on it) is a recipe for disaster. You play with fire, you're going to get burned, simple as that.

As far as the business opportunity is concerned, it depends on whether you can trust yourself to stop this foolish fantasizing about him and keep it strictly professional. If you can't, don't do it. No amount of money or success will compensate for trashing your marriage (and possibly his as well), and losing the respect of your family, your friends, and most important, yourself.

This may be the first imaginary infidelity you've encountered in your marriage, but it won't be the last. You need to make up your mind right now not to give these flights of fancy any place to grow in your mind and heart. If you plant the seed, it will surely grow, and the harvest you reap will be bitter indeed.

OG... grrrr had to spread it, but yes to me, it is a warning, may be a suddle warning, but still is one that should make her take notice.

Nothing wrong has happened here yet but there's some dangerous potential going on. If you continue having these feelings of attraction then you may need to stop socializing with this couple. Your marriage has to come first and anything that poses a potential threat to it gets done away with.

Thanks for all the responses.
definitely a passing fancy it is. We all notice men and women around, married or unmarried. I guess I gave it a lot of thought, thought a lot about him, since there was also business involved. Otherwise, would have myself laughed it off.
But yes, would alsdo like to point out that I didn't think about it much since I wrote that mail more than 12 hrs back.
I value my marriage a lot and I never thought once about cheating on my hubby. I trust myself and I think I will work with him since I know I can trust myself.
A little bit of harmless flirtation here and there is still OK but an affair never.
Thanks for wriring in, makes my thought process so much more clerarer. LOve you all!!

My feeling is that this business venture. Being paired up. In my mind could be a risky venture. Are you sure it is all worth it. Especially when you are fancying this person. I think the best thing is not to get too close and one way of doing that is by not going into business with him.

Although this is purely your own choice and decision to make.

You asked your husband if it is okay, and lets say hypothetically something does happen when your in a business venture together. Will you then be able to blame your husband because he said it was okay?

Please think hard and careful about this.

Joe

Love you back Anna :)

Sorry, didn't mean to sound the alarm bell. I would still keep a check on the "harmless flirting" though. But you seem to have a good handle on it. Just stay mindful of it and just carry yourself the way you would want your husband to, if he were in the same situation.

Thanks! I will give the business venture a good thought, but will never cheat on my husband. And I don't think my husband's friend will cheat on his wife and close friend at the same time :)
This business association is really an opportunity for me and I know it's a passing attraction, a trifle exciting but not strong!
Thanks allheart! Your mails have really helped me. I said harmless flirting is OK, I didn't mean I'm going to harmlessly flirt with my hubby's friend. He's rather serious in his approach and has always maintained respectable distance with me, so that should also help. Thanks again! Keep ritin!

Annalisa,

I am glad we could help and I do wish you all the best in this new business venture. I can't help but ask... it seems this mutual friend of you and your husbands has kept a respectable distance... just hypothetically, what would you do, if he did show a little tiny interest.. Just curious. Hope you don't mind me asking. :)

Dear All Heart,

Don't mind at all, like your question.
If at all he were to show some interest, well... unlikely though, will not respond!
He's investing in my project, we'll not be required to meet regeularly, though there's going to be some interaction!
This kind of a situation can happen with anyone anywhere. Isn't it?
Tell me, if you were to get attracted to someone in your workplace and he/she were to show some interest, what will u do? Quit?? NO!
Don't want to regert later in life giving up on this business opportunity. What do you say?

Hi there Anna,

I think you are more than okay. It's probably the first time, since you have been married that someone caused a little ity stir in you. But as I said, you seem to have a very good handle on it.

And no, do not give up on this business oppurtunity. I can sense your excitement with it.. and I say go for it.

What would I do, if I found someone attractive... and then, they me?. Let the good times roll LOL... just kiddn.. honest... hee hee... No, I would not quit my job and you are right. Frankly, and I am just being honest, I guess it would depend on how they expressed it. If they were just being nice and complementary, then it would be okay. But if they seemed a little "too" intersted, I think I would be a little annoyed and I would loose respect for them, as I am married and it is well known in my workplace that I am.

But the latter scenario doesn't fit yours, so you don't need to worry about that. I don't think you have anything to worry about, you more than likely just have a great deal of respect for this man and there is nothing wrong with that.

Much much success with this new business venture :)

Thank You!!

Keep dreamin girl. If you cherish your marriage and life don't act on it.

Nothing... if you respect your husband and marriage.

You are already way more interested than "just friends". I am all for being able to be friends with the opposite sex. Having said that... "it's an exciting attraction" and believe me: it will only be more exciting as time goes by...

Your choice... but ask yourself: how would you feel if your husband felt this way about another woman ?

Good luck !

Dear friend Anna! Please continue to be happily married to your husband for many more years and may be till the end. Please do not cross the boundaries of marriage.

Please Read: 'Contract Vs. Covenant'

Trust me I am concerned for you... May God Bless you...