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Im in a Trinogamous relationship. I've lost family members and friends over this. My GF basically lost her job over it. It's a long story that I am willing to share. Between the three of us, it works out. It's when other people get involved that makes it not work.
Hello C,
Can you please give us a history on this, so that we will have a better understanding on how to help answer questions?
Thank you.
first it is normally a good idea at work to keep any "relationship" to yourself, and if you are in some less than normally accepted, it is always best.
What works for you, and anyone else is what works for you.
So you lose some friends and family, I lost many when I married a lady of a different race. I have lost jobs over my religious or social issue values.
If you and the others are really happy, then that is the issue isn't it
I was with my GF (ABV) for about a year an' half when it all came about. Her best friend (AA), whom she had lived with for about 3yrs an' known for about 5 was in an abusive relationship. Her boyfriend was a drunk who got rough with her from time to time. Me being the empathetic person that I am, befriended this girl a li'l more. I have history with being a strong-grounding source for my friends in dire situations. So, AA an' I became close friends, completely plutonic. After awhile, AA an' I started to have feelings for each other an' I had a strong feeling that we'd be good together. Though I was, (and still am) very much in love with my current GF, ABV. So I told ABV that I had feelings for AA an' that I thought that I could be a catalyst for her to move on from her abusive BF. ABV knows me very well an' agreed that I could AND should help her. So AA an I started dating. ABV was totally fine with it. It was her best friend an' all she wanted was for her to get out of that relationship, an' have a good one with a better man, ME (I guess). I told AA that I didn't want to leave ABV, an' I told ABV that I was falling in love with AA. Both girls said, "OK, I want to be with you, even if you're with her." One of the only reasons this relationship works is because these two girls were best friends, in fact they lived together for 3yrs, as I mentioned. Their mothers are friends too, which is actually a whole 'nother crazy story that will most likely come up later. AA's family an' friends were/are very happy that she got out of that relationship. AA has grown SO MUCH an' has had the chance to be herself an' focus on her job an' school, opposed to taking care of a drunk an' their 13 animals an' house an' cleaning up after him, etc etc. This relationship has been going on for about 2yrs now. Needless to say, I've had to explain my situation with friends an' family. Some are OK with it. Most of them have no contact with me anymore. I guess it challenges their morals too much, which is understandable if you can only see in black and white.
I hear you. It's a li'l hard to keep things to myself though. Thanksgiving, X-mas, parties. We're fine doing things with all three of us. It's just that If my friends have seen me with ABV for a year an' a half, then they see me kiss AA, I didn't want them to think that I was cheating on ABV. Or sometimes one of them will bring me lunch at work, people ask me; "sooooo, wassup? How many GFs do you have?" So I tell the truth. Actually, my answer has morphed into; "it's complicated".Quote:
Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck
Thank you for sharing your story.Quote:
Originally Posted by Chrytophorus
This is how I see it. If all three of you are happy, then more power to you.
Would I have a relationship with two others at the same time? Most likely no. But this is about you, not any one else.
People are going to talk and people are going to judge.
Don't let them get the best of you.
If I were your friend, I would want you to be happy and I would tell you that I would support you through this, as it's really no big deal any how.
Interesing.. It doesn't usually work because people don't usually like to share the one they love with someone else.. I guess in your case it does because they are friends.. I wonder though are you ever planning to marry?
Also what I'm understanding is that the two of them are not in a relationship? As in they are both in love with you but not with each other.. They are just friends, is that right?
Your question is, "why can't there be three people in a relationship", and obviously, from what you've said, three can be three people in a relationship.
Usually if there are three, one of them is a secret affair, and one party in the 'original couple' is unaware. Sometimes for years.
But, you have two women, both of them are girlfriends to you, and both of them are friends, to each other.
Why do you feel the need to justify it, and on the consequence side of that, why are you surprised when you've lost family, friends, and a job over it. Why did anybody need to know in the first place. Is there a reason why it is common knowledge?
Seems to me you are setting yourself up, by informing people that you are in what would be considered an unusual relationship. You call one your girlfriend at a party, yet kiss the other one at the same party, and then, what... it's a surprise that people are confused?
If you choose to live this lifestyle, go right ahead. But, to presume that people cannot accept it, isn't fair. You just aren't giving them a choice.
Why not just keep it to yourself, and avoid a lot of heartache.
I don't hear Mormons complaining, and they have a lot more than just 3. This is America, and you can do your thing, but I don't have to like it, but I can't change it either. Tell your girlfriend to sue her employer for discrimination, if that was truly the reason she was fired. I suspect they gave her a better reason than that though.Quote:
why can't there be three people in a relationship?
If you were married to both of them I'd have an issue, because that's illegal, but you're not, so what's the big deal?
I guess most of the people on this site are a lot more understanding and accepting than the people you know in life.
If all three of you are happy, there's no jealousy, no one is doing this just because they don't want to lose a friend, boyfriend, or girlfriend, than it's your business and no one else's.
My dad always told me something that I do my best to adhere to.
When it comes to friends, family, and work, never discuss sex, religion or politics. If you steer clear of those 3 subjects you should be okay.
Just fyi, relationships fall under the sex category. ;)
We're not married, an' the thought of marriage is still a big "?" I'm not quite there yet.Quote:
Originally Posted by silverlining
They are just friends, no intimacy there.
For one thing, it sure would be nice to be able to live my life an' not be judged by it, or hide anything from anybody. I want to live out in the open like everyone else, (well, to an extent. You catch my drift). Im not "informing", Im answering questions honestly. Im not surprised that they, (friends/family) are confused. It's kind of hard to hide these things from friends an' family unless you live under a rock. I prefer to be honest an' out in the open. It just sucks that people are so forceful with what they think is right/wrong, an' they will hurt you in some way, or "fire" you because you contradict what THEY think.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake2008
Welcome to being human. Go to the religious forum and have a read, than you'll find out that you're not the only one that's judged or ridiculed because you contradict what someone else thinks.Quote:
It just sucks that people are so forceful with what they think is right/wrong, an' they will hurt you in some way, or "fire" you because you contradict what THEY think.
This is life. Even if you chose one girl, married her, had kids, went to church every Sunday etc. etc. there are still going to be things that other people don't agree with about your lifestyle and your choices.
So, you either care what these people think and change what you're doing (be prepared to change a lot of things) or you talk to them, tell them that this is what you've chosen for yourself, that you don't expect them to do the same, or to even understand, but they either accept your choice and you, or they should be weary of the door hitting them in the arse on their way out.
That's what I would do, but then I don't let anyone tell me how to live my life, no matter who they are.
I would never marry both of them. "Marriage" to me is between two people, or Mormons... no, I'm not Mormon.Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
The three of us are best friends. We're best friends because we know exactly who each other is. Just like I like it any other friend. Doesn't every body? Don't you want deep, poignant relationships with people that are close to you? I believe that requires knowing EXACTLY WHO a person is.
It's a hard place to be in folks. I really appreciate everyone's input! Even if it's against my situation, at least I get the chance to know the rebuttal of the opposition. Some friends just dropped me/us with no explanation, though it was obvious and hearing it through the "grapevine". Sometimes strangers can be the most helpful. Good-'ol unbiased strangers.
Did you read the posts?Quote:
It's a hard place to be in folks. I really appreciate everyone's input! Even if it's against my situation,
No one was against your situation. In fact, not one person has said anything negative about your situation at all.
You quoted the first line of my post. Did you read the rest of it? I wasn't at all against your situation. If it works for you, great. I don't know why you need everyone's approval, but as far as this site goes, the people that have posted on this thread, you haven't gotten anything but acceptance.
I know that nobody has anything bad to say. Maybe I was unclear? I don't need anyone's approval. Just had a question that I thought unbiased strangers could answer the most accurately for me. I apologize for the confusion. FYI, I have read thoroughly everyone's post, an' I think that they are all great an' have good insight.Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
And 1; I was just "painting the picture" a li'l better as far as elaborating the whole story
Good luck to you. As long as you are all honest with each other and happy.
I have enough trouble with one partner let alone two...
This is not at all negative I'm just really curious in regards to this situation lol.. How can you be in love with/ be attracted to 2 people in the same way? For me I feel like this situation can work but not in the long run?
Again not judging just curious..
I can see being attracted to and caring about 2 people, that's not an issue. After all, if we only had one soul mate out there than we'd be screwed. ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by silverlining
The problem for me is making it work jealousy wise. I can't imagine sharing my partner with anyone. I know I couldn't handle it.
It seems that the OP is making this situation work. I guess it depends on the people involved. In this case the two girls are friends, so maybe the relationship is okay with them because of the connection they have.
There are a few positives that I can see. If they stay together, live together, make this work, they are ahead in many aspects. Three incomes, three people caring for the home they live in, splitting the chores. If children ever come into play than there are 3 adults to help care for them, provide for them. I know that having another woman around to help with the day to day stuff is very appealing to me, but having her share my spouse as well, that isn't something I could handle.
If they're making it work, good for them. :)
Why do you think some people have a difficult time with it? I'm sure you already know the answer to it.
The three of you are fine with it and that is what counts, as long as you are also OK with some family and friends distancing themselves.
I find it amusing that you were the gentleman and offered your services to help be the catalyst for your friend to leave her abusive relationship! (Of course you could have also done that as a purely platonic friend).
Since the girls aren't bothered by the set up; they obviously are not interested in an exclusive one-to-one relationship with you, and you certainly are fine with it, search out friends who are not bothered by it.
Find people you can visit at holidays all together. Either don't bring it up at work places, or find jobs where the thinking is less mainstream.
I'm curious... was there ever any stepping outside the relationship before the friend came into the picture? Did you already have an open relationship where you and your girlfriend were fine with either of you seeing others? Had the two of you already been involved in some threesomes before or discussed the possibility of it?
Interesting concept to suggest to a partner if there wasn't already some sort of a foundation for it.
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