My husband and I got married late in life, I'm 38 and he's 40, married two years 7 months. I am unsure we both know what we are doing. He says I have too many rules, and I think he is a child. I no longer find the charm in him that I fell in love with. He spent one year of our marriage telling me he's had better than me, threatened to leave me, every time we fought about him going out and coming home at for a.m. he went out every night, the second year was calmer, we fought a lot still, and I threatened to leave, and it appreas he is finally beginging to settle down, the thing is, now I feel the way he did the first two years. I resent him now, because I realized how bad he treated me. I can't let go, we've been to marriage counseling and that helped a lot but we couldn't afford to go, and so I am on my own. I feel alone. I have no friends, and he is friends with everybody. I work a lot and he is unemployed right now which make things even more difficult, because I feel like I am doing this all by myself. Does anybody suggest anything that might help.

I don't know what will help but are you better off IN this marriage than you would be OUT of this marriage?

Churches very often offer free counselling - have you looked into that?

You are overwhelmed, and tired. You need a friend, and a church counselor is a good person to talk to about your feelings, and resentments.

You are not alone. Talk to a minister. Talk to God. He's always there.

This is just an idea, but when my husband and I were going through problems, we did some research with our insurance company and found out that our insurance paid for 90% of our counseling sessions which we only had to pay 10 dollars for an hour long session.

It's just a thought. Check with your Insurance company. If not, then everyone else had a good idea about talking with your church.

Either way good luck.

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Originally Posted by Enigma1999

This is just an idea, but when my husband and I were going through problems, we did some research with our insurance company and found out that our insurance paid for 90% of our counseling sessions which we only had to pay 10 dollars for an hour long session.

It's just a thought. Check with your Insurance company. If not, then everyone else had a good idea about talking with your church.

Either way good luck.

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Great Idea Enigma... Kit

For a man without the benefit of the 'controls" (and I mean this in a nice way) that come with a marriage until his late 30's and early 40's... well most tend to not 'grow up.' And although this is not necessarily true in all cases it is common.

You have your hands full no doubt but you say that things are changing for the better - a bit. Are you able to sit down and discuss this at all with him? I mean now, now that he seems to be coming around some?

In any case it is never good to make one person your all and everything. To be devoted, yes. But you also need to make a life for yourself and not become enslaved so to speak to any one person. Having an individual life within your marriage enhances the relationship and makes you more interesting to yourself, those around you and to your mate. And gives you a sense of well being and self control.

I agree as always that if there is a chance at all of saving this marriage then go to a counselor or someone at your church and get him to go also. That is the only true way to have counseling work, he has to see what he has to loose also and that counseling may work, if you both desire it to.

Stringer

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Originally Posted by dunnowhat2do

My husband and I got married late in life, I'm 38 and he's 40, married two years 7 mos. I am unsure we both know what we are doing. He says I have too many rules, and I think he is a child. I no longer find the charm in him that I fell in love with. He spent one year of our marriage telling me he's had better than me, threatened to leave me, every time we fought about him going out and coming home at 4 a.m., he went out every night, the second year was calmer, we fought alot still, and I threatened to leave, and it appreas he is finally beginging to settle down, the thing is, now I feel the way he did the first two years. I resent him now, because I realized how bad he treated me. I can't let go, we've been to marriage counseling and that helped a lot but we couldn't afford to go, and so I am on my own. I feel alone. I have no friends, and he is friends with everybody. I work a lot and he is unemployed right now which make things even more difficult, because I feel like I am doing this all by myself. Does anybody suggest anything that might help.

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I didn't think of counseling at church. Thank you all for your suggestions, my husband wants to attend church, but I fear perhaps all is lost. I loved him so much, and I thought he did too, that's why we got married, or so I thought, and then he put me through hell, I was confused and hurt. I never got married because of these kind of games. I do have a life, I am self sufficient, I take care of myself and my two kids, I've taken care of his kids too, and I don't understand where all the hostility came from. I am tired and weary and feel used. He assures me that he loves me, more now, whatever that means, and to his credit he has calmed down considerably... but is it enough? I pray every day. Thank you everyone for all your answers, you are kind and I will definitely consider counseling through church. I guess I have nothing else to lose, if it doesn't work out, I know that I did try everything possible to save our marriage. Thanks again.

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Originally Posted by dunnowhat2do

I didn't think of counseling at church. Thank you all for your suggestions, my husband wants to attend church, but I fear perhaps all is lost. I loved him so much, and I thought he did too, that's why we got married, or so I thought, and then he put me through hell, I was confused and hurt. I never got married because of these kind of games. I do have a life, I am self sufficient, I take care of myself and my two kids, I've taken care of his kids too, and I don't understand where all the hostility came from. I am tired and weary and feel used. He assures me that he loves me, more now, whatever that means, and to his credit he has calmed down considerably...but is it enough? I pray every day. Thank you everyone for all your answers, you are kind and I will definately consider counseling through church. I guess I have nothing else to lose, if it doesn't work out, I know that I did try everything possible to save our marriage. Thanks again.

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Go in with a positive attitude. You pray and don't think God doesn't hear you, He does. He always finds a way to help his children. Bless you:)

And I would go into ANY counselling, church, private, with an attitude that it CAN and WILL make a difference.

Since he is unemployed right now you have to be extra careful for him. He might be frustrated becoz of his unemployment and bcoz of his marriage too. Don't go here and there. Solve problems yourself . Give him your support. Don't fight with him anymore. If you don't fight everything will be all right. Give love first to gain love.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I don't know what will help but are you better off IN this marriage than you would be OUT of this marriage?

Churches very often offer free counselling - have you looked into that?

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You know, there are more things that I haven't said in this post, but what you said, whether I am better in or out of marriage, makes me think that maybe I am better off out of this marriage.

My husband is a personable person, he is always going out of his way to do things for other people. Everyone tells me he is a dream. He cooks which is his favorite thing to do, because he loves to do that, and then he throws that in my face. He makes the kids clean the house. He always makes me cater to his kids when they come by, he has four kids, so that makes me mad, because I am stuck running around doing the things he wants me to do for them. He is a nice man, but nice isn't cutting it for me anymore. I pay for everything, I understand that he could be depressed because he isn't working, but it just doesn't seem like it. Like I said, he spends most nights hanging out with the neighbors, and sleeps all day, how do you look for work when you do that? I love him, but all of this has taken a toll on me, we stopped going to counseling because it got expensive and I had to keep missing work to go. I can't afford to do that. I have two of my own children to think about. I am confused. I have kept a positive attitude, and even praised him, when he starts talking negative about himself, but then he gets beligirant and mean and loud, and I can no longer tolerate his behavior. He says I am so sensitive.

He sounds emotionally abusive to me. You do not deserve to feel as emotionally run-down as you do. Marriage is ALL about compromise, respect, and love, which you don't seem to be getting much of.

Could he be depressed and taking that out on you? Yes. Could he just be a selfish jerk. Yes to that too.

Its my personal belief that counseling and all other means should be exhausted before ending a marriage. That being said, if its truly abusive and he does not make an effort to change and meet you 1/2 way, that may be the deal breaker. My concern is also for all the children involved - is he and/or your relationship with him good enough for the children? I hate to think they are also suffering over this.

Good luck to you

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Originally Posted by dunnowhat2do

I threatened to leave, and it appreas he is finally beginging to settle down,

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I have a question about timing. Did you threaten to leave before or after he became unemployed (or around the time he would have been worried about his job)?

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Originally Posted by dunnowhat2do

You know, there are more things that I haven't said in this post, but what you said, whether I am better in or out of marriage, makes me think that maybe I am better off out of this marriage.

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I was divorced. I think the final day for me came when I realized I was sick and tired of the drama, the ups and downs, the uncertainty - and to a certain extent I just didn't care any longer. And I really didn't care.

And then I filed -

It takes a LOT of soul searching and whichever way you decide, there will be times when you will regret it or second guess yourself.

But if it's over and beyond redemption, then it's over.

Thank you everyone. My husband and I went to church, we opened the line of communitcation and he has calmed down. It is my turn to work on things. One of his biggest problems was drinking every day, hard stuff, he would become beligerant and mean. He drinks two days a week now, and is limited to beer. I cried, and he saw my hurt, I am so wary of all of this, but I keep praying. I know know that it is up to me to work on me, to get strong and confident. I am so jaded by what has happened to us in these three years that I am afraid to move on. Just when I had my things packed and ready to go, he convinced me to stay. His mother who is schizophrenic came to live with us for three months, that united us. Go figure.

I really hope things work out for you but if alcohol is a problem for him, he needs to stop drinking. "Only" drinking beer and "only" drinking two days a week are still signs of an alcoholic or, minimally, alcoholic behavior.

Hopefully he will work on that part of his life next.

You sound like you are at peace with the situation... and that's a good thing.

I am hon, it really took it's toll on me, the little things that happened to make things explode, the realization that this felt like a one sided relationship. My good friend, tells me that only I know how much I can tolerate. I am really ready to move on if I have to, although I will be honest and say I am scared. I really don't have anything to be scared about, because I have a great family bond, I would never really be alone, but I am scared nonetheless. It makes me feel like I am a failure.