Hi,

I have a relationship question. I am divorced after 24 years of marriage, am raising my three kids alone in the mid west, and the job of my dreams (I teach at a university). I met the greatest woman over a year ago and we have slowly fallen in love. She has been divorced for 14 years and has two grown children. She works at the same university and we live five minutes away from each other. I have been slow to involve her in the life of my kids, who I am trying to protect, and in June introduced to her my young eight year old. All my kids get along with her quite well, and she with them.

We have shared a common dream of moving away from the mid west, and had talked about retiring there in 10-15 years. But our career ambitions are different: she is still upwardly mobile as an administrator and I have a great job as well as it would be hard to find commensurate work elsewhere. To my surprise she applied for another position in Colorado a few weeks ago, asking me my okay. It was a surprise for me because she has repeatedly said she was happy with staying put for the time being. I told her it was a great opportunity and it was her decision, but I would also be very happy if she did not get the job. Well she got the job and asked me to move with her, and I told her I could not (in the unforeseeable future). She now wants a commitment from me to pursue a long distance relationship (LDR). She has yet decided about the job, and asked me if a LDR was a deal-breaker for me. I was honest and said no, but I didn’t think it would work very well.

I find myself devastated, because I have fallen in love. My job and children prevent me from moving, and I am very skeptical about an open ended LDR that could last for at least five years. It seems to me that we have different life paths, and maybe the timing is not right. I am also concerned because she had pressured me for a long time to get to know my kids, and then suddenly now she is pressuring me for a LDR. I know it’s all out of my hands, but I am not sure I can do a LDR. I don’t want to give her an ultimatum either. Am I being unreasonable? Is she?

Advice welcome. Thanks in advance.

You both are being reasonable, and have much to think about as you both have other priorities in life, and want to pursue them.

I think on your part though, you assume this is going somewhere, but you don't want to take a chance with relocating and getting out of your comfort zone as her wanting you to move with her was a sign of taking a risk on you. That's a good sign she cares. But its obvious she will follow her path, with, or without you. Yeah the timing appears to be bad here, or maybe its time to re evaluate the relationship and get more reasonable expectations of how this relationship can be developed or if indeed, it would be better to continue exploring this as a love opportunity.

If you do NOT have the coping skills to deal with this, then don't. Part as friends, and enjoy your life, as we never know what the future will bring. No need to force things, or put unrealistic ultimatums on others. At best, you have made a friend to stay in touch with and share with from time to time. At worst, you know the love thang ain't going to work the way YOU want it to. And that's okay for now. Disappointing maybe, but it is what it is.

I can only tell you to be honest with your feelings and deal with them appropriately, and be honest with her. I think after a time of thought and reflection, then friends is okay, as long as you have no preconceived notions on how YOU want things to go, and act in a manner that will be anything but friendly.

My advice, is to be honest enough with yourself to do the right thing for you both, and that means abiding by her choices, and supporting them. If you cannot, simply don't do the LDR thing.

That's not an easy thing to do so give it plenty of thought, and I wish you luck, making a decision based on facts, and not just feelings. Your feelings for her will no doubt have to change, or cause chaos for you both.

You are a package deal. It would be a different package if it were only you, but you come with three kids, and moving them, when you clearly don't want to, and re-locating essentially your entire life, is an unreasonable expectation on her part.

To make a long term commitment if she lived next door would be hard enough, but, over long distance, for several years, would be next to impossible in my opinion.

Her needs would seemingly be met if you did. She'd visit often, stay at your place, now that she's got an 'in' with your kids, and be a 'significant other' without sticking around long enough to really establish a relationship.

Had the two of you had already, a long standing relationship, a few years may be worth the inconvenience and the sacrifices, in order to resume what you had.

But seriously, you've only known her a year. When you were married, think about how little you didn't know about your wife after a year.

I would say your needs are not being met, nor will they be, if you comply with the unreasonable request to remain faithful to her, until you join her.

Life is short; do you really want to put your entire life on hold, based on such an unbalanced relationship that you've only had for a year?

My advice to you is to think long and hard about this, and come to your own conclusions, but in the long run, personally, my opinion is, it is not workable.

You were involved over a year and developed feelings for this woman, yet wanted almost a year to involve her in any relationship with your kids. Don't get me wrong I am not encouraging a quick introduction to anyone's children in a relationship, but a year seems like a long time, especially when you only live 5 minutes apart.

Maybe she didn't feel that your relationship was moving any further then what YOU allowed, and decided to follow her career something that she has a little bit more control over. Maybe she feels that waiting 5years to settle down isn't a big matter to you since it took you a year to introduce her to your family.

Thanks all for your comments. Her behavior on this speaks volumes. Here career is very important to her, maybe more than a relationship.

We did talk more on the subject this eve. I did tell her that I very much want her to be happy, but that I did not want to see her go. I told her it was important for her to pursue her dreams, but that my priority was to develop our relationship first. She did say that she thought things were very good between us. She felt comfortable about where we were at, and that she wants a life with all her dreams, which means relocating out west. She feels sure things will work out.

One thing she reiterated is that one of her big dreams is to move out of our state. She was born and raised here, and dislikes it. He ex is nearby, and he was well networked in the area, anetwork he used against her after divorce.

Well, the next step is out of my hands. I have told her how I feel, that's about all I can do, short of making it very explicit that I deserve more than a LDR. But that can be reserved for when she decides about the job. There are some down sides, so I am not sure what she will decide.

I think what you've said there, " I have told her how I feel......I deserve more than a LDR" may be the very bottom line here.

It is good that you have an understanding of where she's going and why, and that she has an understanding of what that may potentially cost her as a result.

I don't know what else you can do; all the best to you Sam.

You've done all you can, and if you feel like you deserve more than a LDR, then stick by your guns and move on.

You have to do what's best for you and if you want a woman full-time in your life, then that's the decision that's right for you.

Good luck!

That was quite a reversal of fortune to have gone through, and I know you had high hopes for where things looked to be going. It didn't work out, it happens and the reasons really don't matter.

I think you wish her well, and stay with your decision, and have no regrets. You have to be grateful for the experience that you have enjoyed, but now there will be other options, and opportunities to explore, and enjoy. Not all love connections last a lifetime, a fact that a divorced guy should well know, but that doesn't mean you have to see this as the end, because its only a new beginning, and you just never know what the future holds for you, and your family.

Good luck to you and your family