Hi,
Ithis is my situation: One year ago I had a relationship with a girl that lasted for a few months. It should be noted that this girl is of exceptional beauty and she constantly is approached by men. After a while, I was getting the feeling that I wasn't really 'in love' with her enough (and a bunch of other reasons) and ended the relationship. I did this by just stopping the communication. I admit, this is quite a horrible way to break up with someone and I am truly disgusted with my behaviour back then.
After spending several months abroad, I meet her again and in short, (really) fall in love with her. Before I have the chance to tell her this, she is already involved with one of my best friends. Of course, this ****s me up a little bit, and finally I tell her that I'm in love with her etc. She replies to still have feelings for me, but doesn't want to start over because "she finally got over me" and she simply can't. We end up talking the rest of the evening and finally I spend the night (no sex). Because of all of these events I'm feeling pretty awfull and of course, I'm constantly wondering if she and my (ex)friend are together. I know there is nothing I can do really, and should not be seeking any contact with her, and try to forget about the whole thing but I suppose I just wanted to get this of my chest. Advice is highly appreciated.

You had your shot, move on.

Go no contact, stickies are at the top of this forum.

To late to go back, so leave her alone and go forward.

No use crying over spilled milk. She's moved on and you should also.

It's in situations like this when we wonder what could have happened, what should have happened, and why what happened, happened.

But that's just the point. What happened, happened. You walked away, you came back, you told her how you felt, she said no.

You're right, it's time to move on. It's hard, it's going to hurt, but you have to move on. She has, you must.

You can look back on it and wonder, but it's not going to change the fact that you (admittedly) did it wrong when you broke up and hurt her.

I'm sorry, man, but you've got to move on. Smile because it happened, but move on.

It's hard to lose someone you love.

Let yourself heal and then after awhile you'll meet someone else.

Don't jump into something right away as rebound relationships rarely work. Good Luck

First of all, thanks for all your comments, I already helps just to know somebody cares.
I agree with all your advice, which is simple: move on and go forward. I also do realize that my craving for this girl now is probably more caused by jealousy (I can't stand she's seeing one of my friends) than because I'm really in love with her. Nevertheless I have this panicky feeling inside that won't go away, no matter what. I guess spending the night with her didn't help.

By the way, I was wondering why didn't this forum ever teach a guy/girl to tackle/chase after a relationship instead of just no contact? Is this really the best method?

No contact is definitely the best method!

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Originally Posted by lamp_post

by the way, i was wondering why didn't this forum ever teach a guy/girl to tackle/chase after a relationship instead of just no contact? is this really the best method?

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Simply put, after a break up is when most people ask for advice, and many feel that NC is the best way to heal and make better decisions leading to better actions.

Would you tell a person in misery or pain to go get more misery and pain? Personally I think the best way to deal with any situation, is with a clear head, and with dignity, and self respect.

Then you can evaluate your own specific facts, of your own specific situation, which leads you to decisions based on those facts, and not impulsive solutions (begging, pleading, gifts), that may not work, or simply are not wanted.

NC also lets you settle the issue of closure, and dealing with the many questions of why and what if, that comes with a break up. Having a mature way to deal with these issues, and a plan of action are the best ways to deal with a break up, that many of us find out through experience, is the best method to keep our sanity.

The thing to always remember though is that there are two sides to any story, and we only hear one side, and maybe a personal version of the other side. Maybe advice would be different if both parties would have their own say in the matter in this forum setting, and issues would be clearer to address.

I agree with Talaniman, of course.

However, I do not think you should blindly follow what some people on the internet tell you to do.

But if we feel insecure, needy, panicky, etc as a result from a breakup and a loss of control over the situation (and we all feel this way, otherwise we wouldn't post questions here), no contact is the only way to clear your head, and regain your sanity. Experience has proven it.

I don't think it is forbidden to see or talk to your ex afterwards, when you think more clearly and are without those needy feelings.

Totally agree, as its only an opinion a stranger gives you from what you have asked, but the OP is the final decider if the advice is even worth taking.

Rightfully so, as the OP is the one responsible for their actions, and the consequences, or blessings that come from those actions.

So this girl sent me a message yesterday night (somewhat expected) to wish my goodnight etc. I'm finding it very hard to follow NC. I keep wondering whether it is a guilt message, or maybe she just wanted to hear from me... The last thing I want to do right now is to piss her off and drive her into the arms of the other guy.
Remember I dumped this girl over a year ago just by giving her the silent treatment.

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Originally Posted by JDOP

so this girl sent me a message yesterday night (somewhat expected) to wish my goodnight etc. I'm finding it very hard to follow NC. I keep wondering whether it is a guilt message, or maybe she just wanted to hear from me... The last thing I want to do right now is to piss her off and drive her into the arms of the other guy.
Remember I dumped this girl over a year ago just by giving her the silent treatment.

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Leave her alone! NC... Get over this obsession!

Did she dump your ex friend yet?

Remember the old saying; "What goes round comes round"?

That's what happened. You wanted to play studmuffin and you lost her.

Sometimes you get what you deserve.

@ talaniman: since I'm doing the NC thing, I don't know. I don't even know if they ever were together. I just know they went on a few dates.

If what comes around goes around, I should not deserve her talking to me, texting me, let alone letting me sleep in her bed. I can accept that she hates me for what I did. I would too. However, I do not have the impression that she hates me, on the contrary

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JDOP

@ talaniman: since I'm doing the NC thing, I don't know. I don't even know if they ever were together. I just know they went on a few dates.

If what comes around goes around, I should not deserve her talking to me, texting me, let alone letting me sleep in her bed. I can accept that she hates me for what I did. I would too. However, I do not have the impression that she hates me, on the contrary

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How about using you? You seem to know a lot about what goes on in her life. You must be watching her pretty closely. You need to knock it off, stop making excuses and stop saying she's pursuing you. Leave her alone.

My only fear for you would be that you would get so carried away by your own feelings for this female, that you may NOT be as cautious about being with her as you should, or given your history with her already and how you broke up, that you may get in deeper than you should for the wrong reasons.

I honestly doubt if you could casually date again and stay at a safe enough distance to protect your heart. I think you may have lost your objectivity already.

Attractions can be strong and intense, but is it love? Or mutual? I just don't know. I do know that its something to find out, but a risk at best. I certainly advise you to keep your eyes wide open.

I don't know what to do anymore...
I feel genuinely in love with this girl although I realize that this is partly fueled by jealousy (dating one of my friends).

It has taken me up completely and I can't think about anything else. Yes I do think I have lost my objectivity.Otherwise I wouldn't be here