Ask Me Help Desk - She doesn't want to have sex!

Hello, me and my girlfriend have been dating for more than a year now, she's 19 years old, and it's obvious that we're in love, but well, there's a major problem, she's a virgin, which is not the problem, the problem is that she never got sexually attracted to me, I asked her about her ex's, she said that she never got sexually attracted to them neither, we tried to have sex many times, but she couldn't, she even tried to get with a girl, but she couldn't!

As far as she told me that she was sexually abused when she was young, I think that it has to do with what goes on with her, and she doesn't want to talk about it, I opened this subject a few times and she got mad and we ended up fighting!

The thing is, I really love her, and I want to be with her, but it's just so damn frustrating!
I really don't know what to do right now, I told her that I can wait when she's ready, but I'm almost out of hope right here!

Please help people!

PS: I've tried convincing her to go to a therapist, but she doesn't want to talk about it with anyone!

Another thing to add, when we're kissing, it's like she's not there, like if I'm kissing a body with no one inside, I sometimes feel very upset when we're together that when I try to kiss her she just moves away!

Also, she keeps on telling me that I am free to sleep with other girls if that would make me feel better, which really pisses me off because I am not the type of person that would sleep with others at all!!

She needs to see a therapist.

This is something that you can't help.

Be patient. If not.. you will push her away.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 411Help

She needs to see a therapist.

This is something that you can't help.

Be patient. If not.. you will push her away.

I am being very patient, it's been more like 13 months and we french kissed 3 times, nothing more, and I am willing to be as patient as I could, but as I said, she was very mad when I mentioned a therapist, it was like if I'm telling her that she's crazy, and I don't know what to do!

HELP!!

Hey try not to push her... once uve pushed her far enough. u're going to regret that she asked for break.

The worst this you can do is push her.

Especially if she has been forced before.

That's not for you to decide.

You aren't going to fix things. That's for a professional, and for her to decide. If that's the case.

"I asked her about her ex's, she said that she never got sexually attracted to them neither"

'she even tried to get with a girl, but she couldn't"

"when we're kissing, it's like she's not there"

"when I try to kiss her she just moves away!"

If she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to.

If she doesn't want to talk, or get help, then you tried.
Whatever the reason. Don't ever feel guilty by being honest.
Just be honest with yourself.

What's worse?
Waiting or bashing your head?

If you really care, then respect her wishes.

Be paitent, give her time~..

I know what you're all saying and I'm trying my best not to push her, in the matter fact just last time we talked about this I told her that I currently am busy with other stuff that I'm not even thinking about sex, so I'm trying my best in here!

The thing is that she knows that there's something wrong but she doesn't want to ask professionals for help, which is really freaking me out, is there anything else I can do other than being patient and just sitting my *** doing nothing?
Like a way I can make her curious about having sex, or at least wanting to seek professional help?

If things really like what you described, then you can help her. To figure out what the problem is, and ask the professionals for her,and try to communicate patiently with her。dont be such in a hurry, orelse you will give her too much pressure and make things even worse.

Sex is an important part of relationship. Your girlfriend is emotional damaged. We all agree that she needs to seek professional help. Every time you bring it up she gets defensive. Perhaps it's your approach or maybe she is not ready to go that far.

Approach: Don't bring this conversation up after you tried to have sex and failed. She is going to be upset at herself and you. She knows not be able to be intimate is a problem, don't believe she doesn't care. Most sex victims feel powerless; the abuse still has a hold on her.

Set aside some time to have a conversation about how you feel. This is not about sex, this about intimacy. I can't tell you what to tell because what you say has to come from the heart. The goal of this conversation is to tell her how you feel about her, and the stain her situation has on the relationship. If your words are genuine, it may spark the will for her to get professional help.

She is not ready to go that far: The bad news she may need to lose you. Many sex victims have failed relationship because they believe they can cope with their issues on their own. Then the victim loses someone that they really loved and loved them; and this is the spark they need to get help. She has to be ready to make the change.

Now, you don't need anyone's permission to break-up with this woman. I say this because sense you are running out patience. If you can't wait, don't.

If the things really like what you described, then why not try to help her? Try to figure out what the problem is, and ask the professionals for her and communicate with her patiently. Don't be in such a hurry, or else will give her too much pressure. You know what a speciall experience she was going through, so,be paitently try to find what's the key ,then,work it out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marriedguy

Sex is an important part of relationship. Your girlfriend is emotional damaged. We all agree that she needs to seek professional help. Every time you bring it up she gets defensive. Perhaps it’s your approach or maybe she is not ready to go that far.

Approach: Don’t bring this conversation up after you tried to have sex and failed. She is going to be upset at herself and you. She knows not be able to be intimate is a problem, don’t believe she doesn’t care. Most sex victims feel powerless; the abuse still has a hold on her.

Set aside some time to have a conversation about how you feel. This is not about sex, this about intimacy. I can’t tell you what to tell because what you say has to come from the heart. The goal of this conversation is to tell her how you feel about her, and the stain her situation has on the relationship. If your words are genuine, it may spark the will for her to get professional help.

She is not ready to go that far: The bad news she may need to lose you. Many sex victims have failed relationship because they believe they can cope with their issues on their own. Then the victim loses someone that they really loved and loved them; and this is the spark they need to get help. She has to be ready to make the change.

Now, you don’t need anyone's permission to break-up with this woman. I say this because sense you are running out patience. If you can’t wait, don’t.

Well, what actually made me come here and ask you people is that me and her had a call last night and she was feeling guilty that she's not treating me well regarding sex, and that I should have sex with other girls, which really pissed me off, I don't want to have sex with other girls, and I am not willing to leave her, yes it pisses me off, yes sometimes I feel that I can't take no more, but I think the least I could do since I love her that I be patient and try my best to overcome this problem, but I need guidance, I have contacted a therapist and he told me that he has to meet her, but she doesn't agree on that, so I think that I will have to be the person to help as she already trusts me enough to tell me private stuff that she doesn't tell to anyone else, plus, I want to propose to her next summer, so I don't think that I am willing to ever lose her!

First off guy, when a female doesn't share your lust for any reason, you back off, as that's her prerogative at all times. That you cannot convince her other wise is something you better pay attention to, and thinking she needs therapy is completely none of your business at all.

So you are left with taking her suggestion, and finding other girls, or leaving her alone about sex. At 19, she may have her issues but I highly suggest you let her deal with them her way, and in her own time, not yours.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

First off guy, when a female doesn't share your lust for any reason, you back off, as thats her prerogative at all times. That you cannot convince her other wise is something you better pay attention to, and thinking she needs therapy is completely none of your business at all.

So you are left with taking her suggestion, and finding other girls, or leaving her alone about sex. At 19, she may have her issues but I highly suggest you let her deal with them her way, and in her own time, not yours.

Excuse me sir, but I think that you are totally wrong, if anyone has to go by your rules no one would ever be in any relationship ever, as one partner has needs, the other should sometimes try to do them, even if they don't want, at the other way around.

What you're saying is that everyone does whatever they want not thinking about what the other partner wants and it is totally selfish and not any way close to be a relationship at all.

Me and her both agree that there is something wrong, but she doesn't want to ask for help, and I don't know how to help, this is the thing, so please try to be realistic and try to help, if not, then excuse me, but this is none of your business.

If I were you, instead of getting defensive look at the facts.

She doesn't want 3rd party help, and you cannot force her to have sex, or get help.

You don't know what to do, or how to help, so get some help for yourself, and learn how to help yourself, and her. You may learn something about yourself in the process, other than what your lusts are. Make love to the mind, and the body will follow, but of course its none of my business.