Ask Me Help Desk - Horrible situation

My husband calls me horrible names every time we have an argument he tells me how loose I am and he knows how much it hurts me. I would not open the door that night and he knocked it open. After he does all this he says he loves me and the kids I'm so sad I need advice does anyone think he will change

Does he see his behaviour as a problem?

Would he be willing to go to anger management classes or marriage guidance?

Is his temper drink related?

Quote:

Originally Posted by redhed35

does he see his behaviour as a problem?

would he be willing to go to anger managment classes or marraige guidence?

is his temper drink related?

No he does not drink or do drugs and I have talked to him about going to counseling but he responds with your crazy

If he would be willing to go to counseling

Like redhed asked, it is really the best

Way to make changes in behavior.

Do you think he would do this?

Quote:

Originally Posted by sad2820

My husband calls me horrible names every time we have an argument he tells me how loose I am and he knows how much it hurts me. I would not open the door that night and he knocked it open. After he does all this he says he loves me and the kids I'm so sad I need advice does anyone think he will change

How long have you been married? Has he been like this the entire marriage?

This sounds like it became physical at least once. Has he done anything to you?

Quote:

I would not open the door that night and he knocked it open.

How old are your children? Do they see or hear the fights?

Do you want your children to believe that this is how love should be expressed and what a marriage is supposed to be like? Does he?

If he can look at the affect this is having on your children (they know more than you think they do) and you and NOT want to seek help, then he isn't going to change without a major intervention such as you and the children leaving. Once you are out of the situation, you can decide if you want to work on the problems and rebuilding the relationship from the foundation up or if you want to end it and move on with your life.

IF he sees the damage that he is inflicting on his family and seeks help, then there is a chance for him to change. However, he won't unless he really wants to. Changes won't last unless you both work together to keep the relationship from sliding back to where it is now. Lots of hard work that lasts a lifetime.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sad2820

no he does not drink or do drugs and i have talked to him about going to counseling but he responds with your crazy

Then you have to decide what's best for you and your children.

Staying with no hope of him changing,accepting the situation and the rows as they continue.

Hope that some night he does not hurt you or one of the children either on purpose or in a rage.

Or leave.

He needs to know with a sharp short shock that you are at the end of your tether and it stops NOW, he goes to a counsellor/marraige guidance or he just goes.

Its not just your safety and mental health that's at stake,it's the kids too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

How long have you been married? Has he been like this the entire marriage?

This sounds like it became physical at least once. Has he done anything to you?

How old are your children? Do they see or hear the fights?

Do you want your children to believe that this is how love should be expressed and what a marriage is supposed to be like? Does he?

If he can look at the affect this is having on your children (they know more than you think they do) and you and NOT want to seek help, then he isn't going to change without a major intervention such as you and the children leaving. Once you are out of the situation, you can decide if you want to work on the problems and rebuilding the relationship from the foundation up or if you want to end it and move on with your life.

IF he sees the damage that he is inflicting on his family and seeks help, then there is a chance for him to change. However, he won't unless he really wants to. Changes won't last unless you both work together to keep the relationship from sliding back to where it is now. Lots of hard work that lasts a lifetime.

My kids are 9, 5, and 1 and when he does this he don't care that they are watching. We have left him before and I got my own apartment and he promised things would not be the same and they are worse now. I have had it in my mind to move to tx far from here but feel guilty that my daughter will not have her dad my two oldest are not his I feel bad why if all he has done is hurt me

Quote:

Originally Posted by sad2820

My husband calls me horrible names everytime we have an argument he tells me how loose i am and he knows how much it hurts me. I would not open the door that night and he knocked it open. After he does all this he says he loves me and the kids im so sad i need advice does anyone think he will change

This is a sad explanation, in a capsule form, of the state of your marriage. Without knowing more, I'm not going to take a stab at offering help. If you can provide more detail, that would be appreciated.

- Is there mental illness involved here
- What is the nature of the arguments i.e. unemployment, stress, the kids, money etc.
- Why do the arguments go to such extremes, why don't either of you stop before it gets out of control
- Do the arguments result in pushing, shoving, throwing things; punching scratching, kicking, weapons such as knives, threats with guns?
- Have the police ever been called.
- I presume your children are minors. Has their school ever notified you of problems with learning or behaviour; has the CPS ever been involved.

So far you've made this all about you. It does take two to tango. It takes two to fight to a ferver pitch, where something (in the one incident you describe) - the door, gets kicked in.

You did call the police when he kicked in the door right?

What is your role in this- passive, meek, afraid, in fear of your life, hiding under your bed with your children? Or is it more as a participant, fighting with a man until you are both out of control, and don't have the sense to know when to stop until somebody gets hurt, or something gets broken.

Who have you talked to about this. Your lawyer? Family? Friends? Neighbours? Women's resource centre? Family Doctor? Help Line?

He calls you names when you both argue, the last argument resulted in him hurting your feelings with the names he called you, he kicks in a door, tells you he loves you, and stop me anytime here... you wonder if HE can change? Just what do you expect him to change- his temper, his actions, his behaviour, his personality, his style of arguing? What do you propose you need to change- your temper, your actions, your behaviour, your personality, your style of arguing?

You are a mother for God's sake! Put the needs of your children first, and do what you have to do. If that means change, by leaving him- do it. If it means change by taking charge of your life- do it. If it means getting counselling to learn how to regain yourself confidence, self worth and confidence- do it.

If you won't change you, wishing on a star that he will change without you doing anything, is a wasted wish.

Especially for your children.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sad2820

my kids are 9, 5, and 1 and when he does this he dont care that they are watching. we have left him before and i got my own apartment and he promised things would not be the same and they are worse now. I have had it in my mind to move to tx far from here but feel guilty that my daughter will not have her dad my two oldest are not his i feel bad why if all he has done is hurt me

I think you need to move out again. However, I am not sure about moving a long distance away from him, because of his child.

Other than the problems you have as a couple, how is he as a father? Is he this abusive toward them?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

This is a sad explanation, in a capsule form, of the state of your marriage. Without knowing more, I'm not going to take a stab at offering help. If you can provide more detail, that would be appreciated.

- Is there mental illness involved here
- What is the nature of the arguments ie unemployment, stress, the kids, money etc.
- Why do the arguments go to such extremes, why don't either of you stop before it gets out of control
- Do the arguments result in pushing, shoving, throwing things; punching scratching, kicking, weapons such as knives, threats with guns?
- Have the police ever been called.
- I presume your children are minors. Has their school ever notified you of problems with learning or behaviour; has the CPS ever been involved.

So far you've made this all about you. It does take two to tango. It takes two to fight to a ferver pitch, where something (in the one incident you describe) - the door, gets kicked in.

You did call the police when he kicked in the door right?

What is your role in this- passive, meek, afraid, in fear of your life, hiding under your bed with your children? Or is it more as a participant, fighting with a man until you are both out of control, and don't have the sense to know when to stop until somebody gets hurt, or something gets broken.

Who have you talked to about this. Your lawyer? Family? Friends? Neighbours? Womens resource centre? Family Doctor? Help Line?

He calls you names when you both argue, the last argument resulted in him hurting your feelings with the names he called you, he kicks in a door, tells you he loves you, and stop me anytime here..........you wonder if HE can change? Just what do you expect him to change- his temper, his actions, his behaviour, his personality, his style of arguing? What do you propose you need to change- your temper, your actions, your behaviour, your personality, your style of arguing?

You are a mother for God's sake! Put the needs of your children first, and do what you have to do. If that means change, by leaving him- do it. If it means change by taking charge of your life- do it. If it means getting counselling to learn how to regain your self confidence, self worth and confidence- do it.

If you won't change you, wishing on a star that he will change without you doing anything, is a wasted wish.

Especially for your children.

You are right that is why I left and got my own apartment because I didn't want my kids to see all this and when we argue it doesn't have to be a big fight it can simply be that he does not like something or he is just in a bad mood. I took him back because he was showing us that he wanted to change wich was a mistake a big one. He can be fine and something can just tick him off and its over. You are right and thank you I just needed someone to talk to I have no one. My kids come first and always will they are every thing I have and this is doing nothing but hurting them I pray every night for god to protect us. I just don't even have any words left

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

I think you need to move out again. However, I am not sure about moving a long distance away from him, because of his child.

Other than the problems you have as a couple, how is he as a father? Is he this abusive toward them?

Not to his daughter he would never dare or mine not physically but verbally abusive he is I always defend them and then he starts with me its like I'm stuck in something horrible that I can't find a way out why I can't answer myself that question

Sorry but you have little choice but to leave again and NOT take him back. He had his chance, and he blew it yet again.

Hi Sad,

You have a lot to think about, and I wish you well on your journey to find answers.

I received an email from you with your personal email address, and just so you know, as much as I appreciate the coment that what I've said has been helpful, I don't counsel individually through any means, other than here, along with everyone else.

Your email is disabled in the forum, or I would have answered you directly.

Please feel free to keep posting as much as you need to, there are many good people here willing to listen and offer opinions that will be helpful.