I'm completely devastated right now... just trying to deal with all this, alone.

So. I moved to a new country and became friends with a lesbian who has a GF. I am straight, or always thought I was. We began hanging out all the time. Our conversations were very intense. She's in a relationship that isn't very good, her GF has cheated numerous times and when I met my friend she was dealing with whether they were going to break up or not over it. She's chosen to work at the relationship, but struggles with trust and also spoke of not being in love with her GF anymore... not sure why she stays but I think because it's convenient and they are enmeshed in the lesbian social circle... breaking up would be very tough for her routine here.

I would always get butterflies; We had long lingering hugs or very short ones around her GF... or sometimes no hugs around her GF. Comments about my sexual activity, massive amounts of texts especially if I was out on a date or something. The long stares were there, future plans together... one time she was drunk and made out with my neck... lots of cliff hanger conversations about energy or other things between us. We tell each other we love each other. Naturally, her GF is jealous of me and told my friend she didn't like her hanging out with me... my friend still would hang out with me after but the dynamics changed a bit and I started feeling like she was distant, which made me distant...

It became so intense that I attempted to talk about it with her and she told me to drop it. We then spent a day at an amusement park together with another lesbian couple. So it was just me and her and this les couple... her GF didn't come. I felt so many weird vibes the whole time that I tried to talk with her again the following day via text.. she got mad at me again.

Since I was so confused about both my sexuality, feeling too attached to someone that I didn't know if they cared as much back... and confused about all the comments that weren't explained (like telling me it's not just in my head that we have weird hugs) in addition to not fully knowing the boundaries with a les friend and her GF, not sure what constitutes flirting , etc... plus hearing stories about her possibly playing me from my lesbian roommate... I then text her and said I didn't know if we could be friends because it was so complicated. I knew when I did it it was the wrong move, but I just didn't know what to do and was feeling very vulnerable. She text back that she will be here when I need her and that she does consider me a really good friend.

Two days go by and I text her that I'm sorry that I know I broke her trust but that I'd like to talk with her about how I'm feeling. She responded wit, "I'm not some toy that one day you can play with and then throw away... to then play witH again later."

I then acknowledged that she was right, and for the next two weeks profusely apologized and told her how much she meant to me and tha I've been confused and wanted to talk with her about all the variables that caused me to react so harshly. Her texts were not nice.

By the 2nd week I finally said, Can you please talk to me and let me know if this friendship will be salvagable. She text me back that the more I text her the more she leans towards not being my friend and that if I give her space it might be salvagable.

So, for the next 2.5 weeks I did not contact her in any way... nothing. But, I went with my les roommate to the roller derby and she was there... and I started crying when I saw her, I miss her. I didn't approach her though, and we went home... my roommate hasn't liked her and the way she's treated me this whole time so she wasn't very supportive.

After 2.5 weeks I went to our usual coffee house that I knew she'd be at. I chose to go in the back away from her, and she came out there and had a smoke and said... "how are you doing?" I wasn't sure how to respond to that as I didn't want to tell her things about my life is she wasn't going to be in my life. So, I just said good. I left about an hour later and that was it. But it bugged me all day, so I text her saying I didn't know how to respond because I didn't know what was going on.

We text back and forth and she then said how I really didn't think about what it would look like if I cold turkey ended our friendship and how she's been having to explain to her GF and friends all this **** with me! She was blaming me for everything, and I was apologizing saying I just didn't think about that aspect because I'm not used to that. (Before moving here I never had any lesbian friends- and it's not like she outlined the boundaries with her and her GF). She then said, in all honesty I'm not sure what you want. I was pissed when she said that as it is such a deflection and "I'm too cool for school" response. I responded with, I wanted a friend but you’re not being much of one right now... her response was, of course I'm not you told me you didn't want to be friends... how can I be friendly after that! I said, people make mistakes, people learn and people are forgiven. It’s been a month now.

I then said, can we please talk in person because I'd like to explain all this rather than texting and getting further angry with one another. Her response, " Ur invoking more anger in me and I'm postponing this conversation."

So, I stopped texting her and a few more days went by of me crying. In total it's been a month and 5 days... I couldn't focus on my Master's research at Uni so I text her one night and said I've been asking for communication on this for a month, I'm upset and that she needs to be straight up with me on whether she plans on talking with me or ending this friendship.

She texts back the next day... blaming me again... saying that I can't give her space and because of that she straight up is done. By this point I was exhausted from all of this, so I said... "awesome, I'm done too! It's been one month of bull**** over nothing! Space with proper communication is awesome; without it, and it's no ****ing cool. Straight up is good."

It's been a few days now and I'm a wreck. I miss her, but I know how she treated me at the end was bad. I would have liked to have explained things with her... but I honestly wonder if she was ever going to talk to me anyway... I think the space thing was bull**** as it was moving in to a 2nd month!? Unless her GF told her not to contact me? I don't know... that's the hardest part... the not knowing.

I just needed to tell my story... The situation is so ****ed up... I thought I was straight till I met her and now I don't even know that. I'm in a new country, and when we met I had no friends and since there was such a connection I didn’t spend time making other friends… I sometimes would even bail on other people to spend time with her. We had so much fun together... I used to say it was like magic when we hung out! I feel like I never really understood the concept of soul mate till we became friends. But, clearly she doesn't communicate well... perhaps didn't want to have a conversation about all this either..? And, perhaps maybe she didn’t care about me?? Maybe I was just something that made her feel good because her GF treats her like ****?

Any thoughts would be appreciated...

Wish you had summed up just the basic facts, it was a hard read.

1. you are straight but not sure now
2.your new friend already has a GF
3. you would be cheating on the GF if you hang out with your friend.

Is your friend wanting to have a relationship with you ?
If so is it to be group with other GF or will she be just cheating on the GF with you
OR>> is she going to drop her GF and be just with you?

Hi-

-I don't know anymore if I'm straight... I'm not too concerned about the label factor...

-She has a GF, but is unhappy in relationship. Her GF cheats on her... my friend hasn't cheated... unless her time with me as been emotional cheating.

I don't know if my friend wants a relationship with me as she won't communicate with me. She still has her GF so we wouldn't have a relationship until that is over.

I just wanted an opportunity to communicate where I've been coming from, but she didn't want to discuss this with me... and now we aren't even friends... ( it's been 4 days tho).

And, now I'm second guessing everything and telling myself she didn't care... maybe she did play me for some attention or something?

I don't know. I am trying to let go of this friendship but my heart says it's not over and my head is telling me to move on.

:>(

Sometimes its best to remove yourself from a confusing situation, especially since you don't have enough facts to make a reasonable decision with, and nobody is coming forth to enlighten you as to what games are being played. Getting between confused partners is mostly a big mistake, and waste of your time, so I would highly suggest you leave these folks alone to sort out their own business.

Agreed, let them settle their relationship, if when they are broken up and over each other, if you want to look into a relationship with them, that is your chance

I think she let herself start to get involved with you because of the problems she was already having in her relationship. I think she then **** herself when she realised she had feelings for you but as you say, due to the lesbian social circle and the girlfriend felt she could never pursue anything with you and so was going back and forth with frustration in her texts with you. I think that although you overemphasize the 'friendship' thing here, that is not really what you want as you seem to be absolutely mad on her. I don't think you would be able to carve a friendship after what has already happened and if I were you I would cut my losses and figure out what you want from future relationships whether with a man or a woman other than lingering on this one. I am or was a 'straight' woman who fell in love with a lesbian and so understand all these mental feelings you have when you thought you were straight and that was that and then meet an incredible person who just happens to be a woman, but I think after a bit of time away from this person all will come right and you slowly work out what is right for you. Xxx

How many times do you need to be told to back off, she obviously doesn't want to have a relationship. Lets just stick to this being a simple relationshp that you are wanting, but you need to remember this person is already involved. So stop trying to mess with someone's partner. You wouldn't appreciate it if the tides were turned. It doesn't sound like you have even attempted to go out with anyone other then your lesbian friends. You have questions on your sexuality, before you can properly answer that you need put yourself back into other social groups to get a whole picture.

Hi-

Mumsbum you were dead on. The whole space thing was her trying to hold on and defuse the situation. Too much has happened now to keep the friendship.
As for answerme_tender... The entire time we had a friendship I supported her with her GF and often listened; any advice I gave was in support of her relationship... b/c obviously here is sum love there. I'm not going to break that.

I'm in a new country. I've made sum friends both straight and gay. In my new place of residence I live in a lesbian area of town so therefore have mote les fiends/roomate... and I think that's fine. This one girl is the only girl I've ever felt a connection like this with. In all oter aspects I'd say I'm straight... because I like ****, esp in me. But, I can't deny thy I felt an emotion connection with this person.

Anyway, I've let go. I'm sad though because we had such an amazing friendship and at this stage I'm in I question whether I'll ever get that in any type of relationship again.

All the variables of being in a new country don't help though... but I'm going home for Xmas to help sort that out.

Peace & love

Hi Tiptoe,

This is a late response, but maybe you'll appreciate the empathy. I fell in love with a woman for the first time a year ago - Goodness is it confusing! My situation was a bit complicated too, but for other reasons. Ouch! Trying to work out your feelings, the 'right' behaviours, her feelings (mixed signals!)... the lesbian community, the roles, the 'is this a date or what'... oh and am I bi or lesbian?? You and I have both been in difficult situations it seems. I'm at the same place you were at in Sept, I've backed away from a confusing situation to work things out for myself, and by myself... however, I love her, and I miss her. It wasn't a relationship as such - but I'm treating it as a break up because that's how it feels to me, and I need a bit of healing time.

All the best to you and your future x

Hi Morningtime,

I'm in a similar situation to the one you were in. Your 2nd 3 sentences are me to a t. Did it ever work out for you?