My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months (we're both 18), and I've never met someone I've had so much in common with, yet we are complete opposites, and our differences are stressing me out, and I'm not really sure how to handle this situation without hurting him.

First off our backgrounds are different, I come from a upper middle-class family and he well doesn't. My parents are extremely strict, while he can do basically whatever he wants. I'm an honnor student and have a job, he doesn't, etc. things like that.

Don't get me wrong, he's amazing, and is the sweetest boyfriend, we've never fought about anything. He's what brings happiness and fun into my life, and I know for a fact that he is willing to do anything to be with me (he gave up going to an out-of state college, a really good one, for graphic design, so he can stay with me) so were both committed to this relationship.

What is making me insecure though is his partying. Every single weekend night, he hangs out with his friends and gets drunk. He's not an alcoholic or anything like that but it bugs me that this happens every single weekend. He also talks/calls GIRL ONLY FRIENDS when he is wasted. A lot of times they are random girls on "myspace" he doesn't say anything like ,"hey your sexy" but will ask girls that he DOES NOT know to come party with him. I should probably mention that I DON'T drink, and I can't party with him because well that's just no the kind of thing I would ever be allowed to do regarding my age. But I've asked him not to do this anymore but he still does (I have access to his account)

People I know party with him and I know he for sure that he doesn't cheat on me, but why does he always call/message these girls (they usually just talk to him, don't see him) Is this normal, and am I normal for feeling a little insecure about this bothering me?

I mean a lot for his friends are girls so I don't mind that but why does he always have to call/message people he doesn't even know?

Confused, advice plesase?

In Order To Have An Relationship, You Need To Be Friends First And Have Respect For Each Other. Why Are You Being Left Behind On Weekends? You Can Hang Out With Him Just As Well As Other Girl Friends. If He Is Being Up Front With You About Girls Texting Him And Writing Then He Must Not Have Anything To Hide. Plus You May Want To Set Guidelines On What You Expect Out Of A Relationship And Him. How Does He Go Out And Get Drunk If He Has No Money? How Does He Pay For His Gas? When And How Is He Going Forward? If His Friends Are Paying For His Drinks All The Time On Weekends And Getting Him Around From Place To Place Then He Is Using People. People With Morals Don't Impose On People Or Overuse Another Persons Generousity. It Rude. To Be Nice Is Ok But To Take Advantage Of It Wrong. Why Can't He Spend Equal Time With You Being Included With His Friends. You Don't Have To Drink And You Can Still Hang Out

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Originally Posted by xnikkix

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months (we're both 18), and I've never met someone I've had so much in common with, yet we are complete opposites, and our differences are stressing me out, and I'm not really sure how to handle this situation without hurting him.

First off our backgrounds are different, I come from a upper middle-class family and he well doesn't. My parents are extremly strict, while he can do basically whatever he wants. I'm an honnor student and have a job, he doesn't, ect. things like that.

Don't get me wrong, he's amazing, and is the sweetest boyfriend, we've never fought about anything. He's what brings happiness and fun into my life, and I know for a fact that he is willing to do anything to be with me (he gave up going to an out-of state college, a really good one, for graphic design, so he can stay with me) so were both commited to this relationship.

What is making me insecure though is his partying. Every single weekend night, he hangs out with his friends and gets drunk. He's not an alcoholic or anything like that but it bugs me that this happens every single weekend. He also talks/calls GIRL ONLY FRIENDS when he is wasted. A lot of times they are random girls on "myspace" he doesn't say anything like ,"hey your sexy" but will ask girls that he DOES NOT know to come party with him. I should probably mention that I DON'T drink, and I can't party with him because well thats just no the kind of thing I would ever be allowed to do reguarding my age. But i've asked him not to do this anymore but he still does (i have access to his account)

People I know party with him and I know he for sure that he doesn't cheat on me, but why does he always call/message these girls (they usually just talk to him, don't see him) Is this normal, and am I normal for feeling a little insecure about this bothering me?

I mean a lot fo his friends are girls so I don't mind that but why does he always have to call/message people he doesn't even know?

Confused, advice plesase?

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By the way, you say you both are 18 and then in one sentence you say somehting about not drinking regarding your age but he is drinking. What is going on with that. His friends are getting him booze and where> do they have a apartment ? If so then go to the apartment on the weekends and hand out. You can have a good time without having to drink. If he starts texting girls or paying attention to other girls in front of you that is plain rude.

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Originally Posted by mjinms

BY THE WAY, YOU SAY YOU BOTH ARE 18 AND THEN IN ONE SENTENCE YOU SAY SOMEHTING ABOUT NOT DRINKING REGARDING YOUR AGE BUT HE IS DRINKING. WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THAT. HIS FRIENDS ARE GETTING HIM BOOZE AND WHERE> DO THEY HAVE A APARTMENT ? IF SO THEN GO TO THE APARTMENT ON THE WEEKENDS AND HAND OUT. YOU CAN HAVE A GOOD TIME WITHOUT HAVING TO DRINK. IF HE STARTS TEXTING GIRLS OR PAYING ATTENTION TO OTHER GIRLS IN FRONT OF YOU THAT IS PLAIN RUDE.

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Oh yeah sorry to clarify:
I'm not allowed to be out past midnight or one, even though I'm 18, because I still live with my parents, and I can't just come home drunk, plus I don't want to drink. I know a lot of kids my age find it not normal to not want to get wasted, but I don't. Yes, he gets it illegally, and yes he/others pay for it.
The problem is I can't go hang out with them because they party until like 5-6 in the morning every time they party, I think that that is kind of ridiclous.



And to the other poster above:
He does hang out with me on the weekends like all day until night (usually until like 10-12), then goes and parties until 5 or 6, so he's not leaving me out, that's why I'm so confused.

Just writing this is making me see things a lot clearer and maybe this isn't a relationship I should be in... if the situation isn't going to change


Thanks to everyone for their advice so far, I really appreciate you taking the time to read this

Oh and he tells his parents that he's spending the night at his good friends house all the time (so he's basically lying to his parents, he does sleep there techniqually- when they get back at 5 am or so... ) Believe me his parents don't know about him doing this, they don't condone drinking or anything.



And you said...
People With Morals Don't Impose On People
That's true and I have lots of morals, that I don't think he has yet, I guess it's up to me if I'm willing to stick around and wait for him to mature?

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Originally Posted by xnikkix

Just writing this is making me see things a lot clearer and maybe this isn't a relationship I should be in........if the situation isn't going to change

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Ah, good for you. You are way more wise and mature than he is. It really isn't a good match. He has a lot of hard lessons to learn still and you don't need to be dragged through that because you can already see how futile and self-destructive his behavior is. Go, don't feel guilty, and don't look back.

I think you'll be happier with some one who is closer to your own morals to tell the truth.

Xnikkx,

Oh how I wish every 18 year old thought the way you did. Hey, I wish 40 year olds thought the way you do :) You need to give your parents a belated Christmas gift, and that is a nice big hug, with a huge thank you for instilling such wonderful teachings and morals and good for you, for being strong and wise enough for embracing those morals and not weakning them, just to join the crowd. Refreshing~!! Good for you and does my heart a world of good.

It's okay, more than okay, to let go of this young man. He may be doing what some 18 year olds do, but it is in direct contrast to your beliefs and who you are.

You are a fine young lady. And I would not use the term "insecure", as I feel you are far removed from that. You just know that this type of behaviour is not for you and are very uncomfortable with it.

Will he mature? It's possilbe. But for right now, he's finding his way in a vastly different manner then you wish to or should. Let him go and find his way that he wishes to.

I would tell him the truth though. The exact reasons you feel it's better that you go your separate ways, perhaps it will help him find his way sooner than later.

You should be very proud of yourself and who you are.

It sounds as though he's busy sowing his wild oats. You, on the other hand, don't have a need to do that. The two of you may be basically incompatible. Ultimately you have to make your own decision but you may want to give this one some serious consideration before getting any more serious about him.

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Originally Posted by Allheart

xnikkx,

Oh how I wish every 18 year old thought the way you did. Hey, I wish 40 year olds thought the way you do :) You need to give your parents a belated Christmas gift, and that is a nice big hug, with a huge thank you for instilling such wonderful teachings and morals and good for you, for being strong and wise enough for embracing those morals and not weakning them, just to join the crowd. Refreshing~!!! Good for you and does my heart a world of good.

It's okay, more than okay, to let go of this young man. He may be doing what some 18 year olds do, but it is in direct contrast to your beliefs and who you are.

You are a fine young lady. And I would not use the term "insecure", as I feel you are far removed from that. You just know that this type of behaviour is not for you and are very uncomfortable with it.

Will he mature? It's possilbe. But for right now, he's finding his way in a vastly different manner then you wish to or should. Let him go and find his way that he wishes to.

I would tell him the truth though. The exact reasons why you feel it's better that you go your seperate ways, perhaps it will help him find his way sooner than later.

You should be very proud of yourself and who you are.

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Lol, yes, my parents are the reason I am the way I am and I love them for it, but it isn't always so much fun to be the "mature" one all the time. But he doesn't try at all to change my beliefs or morals, he loves them. I actually talked to him about this today, and I'm pretty sure he's going to stop. Not the partying, but that's not what bothers me, everyone well mostly everyone parties at this age. Honestly it's only the calling/messaging random girls that bothers me. I guess if I'm making a mistake I'll find out later off down the road. He's honestly great in every other way, and he has the biggest heart. Lol I can't help it - I love him. I think I was just having an insucure breakdown.


THANK YOU TO EVERYONE FOR THEIR ADVICE.

Hi Xnikkix,

I still don't think you were being insecure at all and I have no doubt your boyfriend cherishes the person that you are, I do truly believe that.

I do have a question for you, what do your parents think of this young man?

I am glad to hear your boyfriend has a big heart, that is always a good thing. He may very well intend on stopping all the "chatting", but keep in mind, you can't change people, they have to do that for themselves. But I think you know that already.

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Originally Posted by Allheart

Hi Xnikkix,

I still don't think you were being insecure at all and I have no doubt your boyfriend cherishes the person that you are, I do truly believe that.

I do have a question for you, what do your parents think of this young man?.

I am glad to hear your boyfriend has a big heart, that is always a good thing. He may very well intend on stopping all the "chatting", but keep in mind, you can't change people, they have to do that for themselves. But I think you know that already.

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Yes, I know that it's very hard to change, but I'm prettty confident the chatting will stop, it's not like I'm controlling/demanding him to stop partying altogether. And I do believe him he's quit a couple of behaviors for me actually already. I told him I wouldn't date a smoker and he quit within two weeks lol. I'm pretty proud of him for that and he's getting a lot better grades now, he's turned his life around a lot, and I'm pretty positive I'm a main reason for that. I actually brought up the line about boundaries/guidelines, someone in an earlier post mentioned it, and I told him it hurts me when he does that, and he felt really bad. I mean really bad, and he wanted to know if anything else he was doing was hurting me, because he wanted to stop if anything else was.

My parents like him, not as much as his parents love me lol, but no they like him. I mean he's not one of those jerky-pushy boyfriends. We're waiting a while, before we "go all the way" and he's perfectly fine with that, we've actually decided we don't even want to bring that into our relationship until at least a year, and he wants to stick with it, lol that's refreshing for me, a guy who tells me he just wants to love me and would wait years for sex. So my parents definitely like that about him, and the fact that he treats me well.

Yeah, I think I learned I just definitely need to vocalize what I'm thinking, cause I know he can't read my mind.

Xnikkix,

You just always seem to make me smile :). And yes, I am sure his parents absolutely love you... can't blame them.

He does sound as though he is very attentive to your feelings and in truth, the things he has been doing is what some and a lot of 18 year olds are doing.

I do know this, you are a blessing in this young mans life and I am glad that for the most part, he does make you happy. You continue to keep that good head on your shoulders. I think this young man sees all the beauty you have inside and does realize you are a very special young lady, that is a credit to him.

Keep going slow, keep your eyes open and enjoy these young years. And yes, believe it or not young men and all men are not mind readers, and in a way, I'm kind of glad they are not... you will soon learn that as well... hee hee.. LOL

A couple of good points that you shared about him:

1) He does seem to respect and accept you beliefs and morals
2) He does seem to truly care about your feelings and how things effect you
3) He has a big heart

Since he has stated he will stop the chatting, you need to take him on his word and trust him... no snooping :). Trust is another aspect of a relationship and you want to build on this as well.

Wish you all the best and stay in touch :)

Thank you so much for rall the advice, I just really wanted it from someone completely removed from the situation.

Yes, trust lol, definitely something I need to work on, but I'll try.

Xnikkix,

That's why I brought it up as I know it will be hard. But you can do it. :)

Communication is the key! You must let him know that his frequent drinking and going out with his homeboys, while calling girls just because he's wasted is unacceptable. There's a difference between a social butterfly and signs of player. You know him better! What you can do is occupy yourself when he's out. And if you don't trust him, if he's given you a reason not to trust him, then maybe you shouldn't be in the relationship at all. Hang out with your girlfriends more! Remember, chicks before D**ks! At 18, his mind is on other things, not a long term relationship... especially if he keeps acting the way he does. Better yet, start talking and hanging out with your guy friends. See how he feels to have the tables turn. How many of these myspace girls is he actually calling? How far do you think it will go? You say you have mutual friends who tell you he doesn't do anything bad. If it's his homeboys, I bet you they wouldn't tell you the truth. You're only in a 6 month relationship... that's not long enough for his friends to be loyal to you. You're young, have fun. Learn from your relationship and make it better. You can't ever ever ever change a person, you can compromise but never change them. I was a sorority gal and my boyfriend was the complete opposite. I had the partying and the guys and he told me that if I loved him, I would respect him enough to stop calling other guys to hang out/talk. So for our sake, I slowly cut back, then completely stopped and we've been together for 6 years now. Maybe you should go to these parties with him and see how he really is. Hope this helped and Good luck!