Hi All!

Well, I need some help. Please honestly tell me am I an idiot, or is there some hope for us. Okay, I'm 39, my girlfriend is 26, and we've been together 4 years. We met while I was with someone. It has been a lot of fun and a lot of tears. She stuck with me, and is a wonderful person, but we have broke up twice (first me, then her). We've been back 1 year now, and she has been working crazy hours, and going to school 2x a week, while having to study for a major test. Thus, I have been very supportive of her, and not demanding. She said so herself.I have been having stress at work, have been emotional and visibly upset.. sort of showing my cards on my sleeve... I know women don't want a man who is unable to be strong etc... The funny thing is, I am strong, in the beginning that is what brought her to me... but by my frustration getting her to try to understand how I want to be with her, I get needy and angry... not yelling, just upset.. she doesn't like that and lets me know... "are you mad?" and while supportive, she isn't the type to wrap her arms around me and say it's okay.. I told her I wanted that once in awhile, and she got upset with me. So we see each other when she has free time.. she isn't a partier, and isn't
really going out with girlfriends much either. She is just super busy. So, question. She told
me the other day she wasn't sure if I was the one anymore. She said she was sure last year, but now she doesn't know. She claims that she hasn't beene with someone this long, and she isn't sure how it's supposed to feel. I told her courting is when you are over the moon for someone, and you lose yoursefl. Real love occurs after you are together for a few years, and you are individuals who choose to be together, etc.. I asked her if she enjoyed my company, if I made her laugh etc... she said yes, that' I'm her best friend. I told her then that is a good sign. She said the sex drive is not there much, and her adoration of me is now relaxed... I think that is what happens in a committed long term relationship and told her... we are very fiery, (sag and aries) and we do enjoy the excitement each offers. But, what do I do? She went to her home state for christmas, and her parents do like me. So, MY QUESTION... do I show her I'm strong and not needy like I've been by my frustration, and NOT CALL her and back off, giving her time to think and cool off? Or do I plead my case gently and respectfully... please help asap! I don't know what to do...

thank you alL!!

Good news. Your not an idiot.

Bad news. You've got your work cut out for you.

Your in the dreaded friend zone. The reasons she fell for you were because she saw you as a man as you pointed out who was strong, secure, and not needy. When you start acting needy and tell her you just need a hug to get through the tough times you start acting like one of her girlfriends. She can get that... well from her girlfriends. What she needs is a man who takes control of the situation no matter how bad it gets.

When she says your not the one anymore what she is really trying to comminicate is that you've not acting like a man. Your acting like her friends act, which is exactly why she sees you like that.

In order to change this you've got to mix up your behavior a little. Your going to have to back off a little and become sort of mysterious. Do something you wouldn't normally do. Change up the day to day behavior. Tease her a little, flirt with her like you used to before you got comfortable. The first thing I would do is call her tomorrow and wish her Merry Christmas but then end the call after about 3 minutes. Then take the time you asked about.

Ending the phone call will show her your busy (although I admit I have no idea what you'd be busy with on Christmas) and pulling back for a little bit will hopefully allow her some breathing room to miss you. Furthermore, when she comes back if you have changed you behavior a little to the way you used to act it might ignite the flame.

Maybe when you're 89 and she's 76 the 13-year age difference won't matter much, but right now you're fast approaching middle age and she's still in those frenetic and overscheduled mid-twenties. She's been with you since she was barely out of her teens and is starting to wonder if she's settled down too soon, whereas you are realizing that youth doesn't last forever and may be finding the frantic pace isn't as much fun as it used to be. I don't really think your problem is how to show her you're not a wussy, she knows that.

I think she's worried that she's missing out on her wild youth and is wanting to have other relationships and see who she is in other circumstances. If I'm right about this, there probably isn't much you can do or say to keep her from wanting it. Even if you succeed in preventing her from acting on this desire, she will probably resent you for it. My advice is to back off and let her do what she wants. If she gets it out of her system, she may come back, assuming you can stand the pain of letting go and the strain of waiting for her to figure it out. It's quite a challenge you've got there. I wish you all the best.

I'd go the don't call, back off and give her a chance to think and cool off route. That'll impress her much more than "trying to plead your case gently and respectfully."

You both are at different points in life and she needs the time to think so let her. She can't help but feel that there is more to life because there is. Support whatever she decides.

Sagguy,

Hi. I am sorry, but I have to be honest. I just don't see the connection between the two of you. Why, do you have to be anything but who you are around her?

I don't know about the rest of the female population, but when I was dating, I wanted the guy to be who he was. If he was having a bad day, by george, share that with me. It is not a sign of weakness. Actually a man who can show his emotion, boy, would knock my socks off. It's real and it was something I could relate too. I had a hard time with those who put up the "iron curtain". Meaning, big strong and nothing gets to me.

Sagguy, do you know why you have fallen into the "needy" category with her and had to ask her questions like, "do I make you laugh, can I have a hug, etc.", that is because you are not getting those things from her, that YOU need. To me, there is nothing wrong in the world, with a man asking for a hug.

Men can be both strong and sensitive. But mostly, they should be themselves. I am so sorry, because I am sure you feel that you love this girl deeply, but I just don't see where
The connection is and where you both are being fulfilled as you should. There is nothing wrong with you, there is nothing wrong with her, sometimes, the dots just don't connect in the way that they should.

Sagguy, when you know and can feel, and can be yourself, and are loved for who you are, you will no longer have to ask those questions and you will no longer feel needy.

And NO you are not an idiot, not at all.

For right now, just take a couple steps back and think what are you getting from this relationship. Have you been yourself, truly yourself with this girl, or were you afraid to be yourself, for fear of how she would view you.

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Originally Posted by sagguy

Hi All!

Well, i need some help. Please honestly tell me am I an idiot, or is there some hope for us. okay, i'm 39, my gf is 26, and we've been together 4 years. We met while I was with someone. It has been alot of fun and alot of tears. She stuck with me, and is a wonderful person, but we have broke up twice (first me, then her). We've been back 1 year now, and she has been working crazy hours, and going to school 2x a week, while having to study for a major test. Thus, I have been very supportive of her, and not demanding. She said so herself.I have been having stress at work, have been emotional and visibly upset..sort of showing my cards on my sleeve...I know women don't want a man who is unable to be strong etc...The funny thing is, I am strong, in the beginning that is what brought her to me...but by my frustration getting her to try to understand how i want to be with her, i get needy and angry...not yelling, just upset..she doesnt' like that and lets me know...."are you mad?" and while supportive, she isn't the type to wrap her arms around me and say it's okay..i told her i wanted that once in awhile, and she got upset with me. so we see each other when she has free time..she isn't a partier, and isn't
really going out with girlfriends much either. She is just super busy. So, question. She told
me the other day she wasn't sure if i was the one anymore. She said she was sure last year, but now she doesn't know. She claims that she hasn't beene with someone this long, and she isn't sure how it's supposed to feel. I told her courting is when you are over the moon for someone, and you lose yoursefl. Real love occurs after you are together for a few years, and you are individuals who choose to be together, etc..i asked her if she enjoyed my company, if i made her laugh etc...she said yes, that' i'm her best friend. I told her then that is a good sign. She said the sex drive is not there much, and her adoration of me is now relaxed...i think that is what happens in a committed long term relationship and told her....we are very fiery, (sag and aries) and we do enjoy the excitement each offers. But, what do I do? she went to her homestate for christmas, and her parents do like me. So, MY QUESTION....do I show her I'm strong and not needy like i've been by my frustration, and NOT CALL her and back off, giving her time to think and cool off? Or do i plead my case gently and respectfully.....please help asap!! I don't know what to do...

thank you alL!!!

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If you want someone to tell you all is OK when you feel bad,go back to you mum. She will make you feel good when you don't want to confront people. You're a man and women want men who know what they want not some boy who is out there trying to please everyone. Life is all good, even the bad stuff because it makes you try harder, or you fail. What do you want with YOUR life,no one else's. You be happy and everyone else will follow.