I'm at my wit's end and need help!

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years just moved in together 3 months ago. We've had our ups and downs and have made it through a lot of tough times together. In the beginning of the relationship we had sex as much as possible. We were adventurous and everything was awesome.

For the past 2 or more months though, he's become disinterested in sex almost completely. We talked about it and he said that it was because he felt inadequate. We eventually fixed that problem.

So I thought my problems were over but he still doesn't want to have sex. Every time I said I wanted to he said he wasn't in the mood and every time I tried to touch him he scowled at me and said not now, or stop it. I asked if he was still having inadequacy issues and he said that no, it wasn't a problem anymore.

I asked why he didn't seem to ever want to have sex and he said that he was kind of turned off by me wanting to have sex.

Wow. That hurt. It wouldn't be a big deal if he was the one innitiating the sex but he wasn't. So I'm at a loss. I asked if he wasn't attracted to me but he said that's not true and he was. Thing is, I can't remember the last time he said I was pretty or sexy or anything like that.

We have a good relationship regardless. We love cuddling or just hanging out and there's plenty of non-sexual affection but I just don't know if I can be with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me. I don't know, ANY help is much appreciated!

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Originally Posted by Dysenchanted

I asked why he didn't seem to ever want to have sex and he said that he was kind of turned off by me wanting to have sex.

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wow. And wow.

sorry. Confidence is sexy as sin, and a woman pushing a man to the wall to demand what she wants... a turn off? Really?

it is a cop out.

passive aggressive bullsh!t.

he took this situation and made his p*##y attitude your fault.

...

sorry. Look. There are so many legitimate reasons for things to be wrong in the bedroom. Most of them have nothing to do with the bedroom.

but here... there are two scenarios. He is telling the truth, or he is not.

if he is telling the truth, then your desire puts him off. Ick to that.

if he is lying, then he is unwilling to face whatever it is that's going on.

I'm fine with peoples sex drives being different. It happens. Sometimes it means a couples poorly matched.

I'm fine with a guy having one or more of a dozen plus reasons his drive might be depressed.

but here... when he blames the woman for being too sexually interested... k... fine...

he is wrong for you.

maybe he's right for a woman who will not seek out her needs. Right for a person willing to submit to the random whims of a guy interested in himself.

it is fine to be in a rut. It is not fine to blame your partner for your lower drive.

unless its true... and if its true... then you are wrong together. Done. Ovah.

Thank you for your input, I really appreciate it!

The thing that confuses me the most I guess is that he used to be so interested and now isn't. Maybe it has to do with the fact that we just moved in together? Or, God forbid, is getting satisfied some other way, I don't know. All I know is that it's not his usual behavior. Or maybe he's stressed or something.

Ugh I keep running circles in my head :( It's wearing me out though.

Maybe he'll come out of it soon? I keep thinking I'm some kind of freak for being so sexual, more so than him. Always have been. But only now has he stopped reciprocating.

I'm only 20 (he's 21) and I feel like 50 year olds are getting more action than me. Bleh. Sorry about the rant but thanks kp2171 for your input!

I don't care what age you are... the mental prime of "the chase" can often make a couple seem more compatible...

And... yes... moving in together is supposed to be great, right? Everything good from before the move in times two? Or not.

k.

I didn't list any of the many, many things that can diminish sex drive. Performance anxiety. Blood pressure problems. A lack of quality sleep. Poor fitness. Mental blocks. Financial stress. Relationship stress. Alcohol use. Drug use. A lack of exercise. And on and on and on...

So... its fine if he is struggling with one or more of these. But it is absolutely not OK for him to tell you that the biggest put off for him is your needing his attention and his touch.

You do not sound too needy.

So...

Scour the threads here and you'll see you aren't the first, or likely the last, to wonder "why was it good at first, but now its dropped off to nothing?"

In any relationship, when this is a serious issue, I think its important to ask if your partner is worrying as much as you are. Are they fretting? Hurting? Wanting? If the answer is yes... well... that's no guarantee of anything, but at least you know your partner is likely driven for something more...

In this case... he seems comfortable with where he is... in a place of power... willing to get sex when he wants it... and/or willing to ignore any possible issues that might be in the way of good, healthy sex.

...

We guys are not known for happily owning up to our shortcomings. And sexual failures... well, that's just where it hurts.

...

But that's the problem. It might be an excuse, but it's a BS excuse.

Fine. He is a man. He doesn't want to hear about how he isn't satisfying you. How he isn't paying attention to you. How your desire for him isn't being reciprocated.

Sorry.

I've learned a lot over the years in classes and through reading and blah blah blah.

The very best information and advice I have... I learned from listenening to great women who demanded attention and who knew satisfaction was something that needed to be sought.

So... he was interested and now he isn't.

And the only "clue" he has given you is that you just want sex too much and that puts him off.

I really wish I had something more constructive to say. He isn't all that vested in your or your needs.

Until he chases you... he just isn't after you.

And you deserve more than that.

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Originally Posted by kp2171

until he chases you... he just isnt after you.

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The thing is, I'll bring it up and he'll want to have sex and be interested and such, and that'll go on for a while but then it tapers off again and seems to disappear.

I think maybe it's his apathy, he's very apathetic towards things sometimes. Not usually towards me, but maybe it's started happening, I really have no way of knowing. He says he doesn't even know what the reason is.

It's gotten so bad that I can't even get off by myself, I'm losing sleep over this (averaging 4 hours a night) and I think it's really taking a toll on my relationship with him. I know we can get over it I just don't know what to do since I'm basically powerless in the situation.

i disagree with much of what you said. Sort of. Not in the "i want to fight" way, but in the "ill treat you like id treat any good friend going through this noise with no pretense or saying the nice thing to sound nice"... uh... way.

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I think maybe it's his apathy, he's very apathetic towards things sometimes. Not usually towards me, but maybe it's started happening, I really have no way of knowing. He says he doesn't even know what the reason is.

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yes you do have a way of knowing if he's apathetic. First, you know how you are being treated. Trust your instincts. He is losing interest... or maybe this is where his baseline level drive is... it just took a couple of years together for the new relationship shine to wear off. Now he isn't motivated to put forth an effort.

why do it when you are doing all the work? He gets to do his thing. You get to lose sleep. Eventually he gets sex when he wants it. Not a bad plan if you are on his side.

and of course he doesn't know what or how or why. Look... i don't think he's an evil guy. I think he is lazy and inconsiderate and self focused. Until he explores his feelings and comes up with something better... that's where i stand.

I've said it before... many times the problems in the bedroom reflect issues outside of it. This could just be one expression of how he works when there isn't pressure on. He has you... why chase? Nearly everybody puts in a little extra time and work to catch a new love and to develop that relationship... there's commonly some "letdown" as the relationship takes on other dimensions. Fine.

fine.

it is no excuse to be neglectful. Wrap it up anyway you want... when a boyfriend tells you that you are the reason he doesn't want sex because you want it... when he only wants sex when you have pushed him into a corner... it is neglectful of your needs and you wants and your feelings. I'm not saying he is wrong and you are right. What if he's worried about pregnancy? Is that legit? Sure. But he still shouldn't be letting you do all the mental lifting on this issue. You have been together for years. You should be able to talk about this.. at least be able to start to explore it.

doesn't mean he's a bad guy. Just maybe bad for you.

you are too young to be going through this noise.

he needs to focus. On himself being healthy.

did you know that regular exercise and good fitness (quality sleep, nutrition) alone have been shown to improve the libido and performance of a young man having performance and drive issues?

what's another big issue? Mental blocks.

but only he can get himself into any routine. Only he can be open to explore where he is mentally and where hed like to be and how to get there.

the first serious love i had, i dated for six years. HS, college. We clicked on many levels. Sex wasn't an issue. But when the relationship had run its course... as many loves are meant for a time and not all time... it was easy to fall into the excuse of how well we knew each other and how much time wed spent together and on and on and on...

she was my best friend. We needed to explore other relationships. We wasted probably a year holding onto something that was so much more work than we needed to be doing...

so... I'm not trying to break you up. Not trying to tell you what you should or should not do. Its your choice to own. If you stay, you choose to stay and you choose to not complain about sex... or you choose to stay with the clause that you'll leave if he doesn't even try to work on your needs... or you walk.

whatever you do... i think this otherwise great relationship is simply not sustainable as is. Either he has to give or you have to give up your needs.

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I'm basically powerless in the situation

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you are not powerless. You are just hurting and frightened. But you always have the power to choose better things for yourself. They just sometimes demand actions that are often hard on the front side.

Well, we've been talking about it over the past few days because we like to talk about our problems, communication isn't usually a problem for us.

He said he's willing to find the cause behind all of this and is proactively trying to fix the problem. The hard part is finding the root of the issue.

As far as the turn-off aspect he kind of described it more as... I don't really know how to put it. Umm.

Okay.

I think it's kind of like when you like to do something but when someone brings it up and suddenly wants to do it you get... anxious? Nervous? I don't really know how to explain. I don't think it's really directed at me. At least I hope not...

I don't know, but he IS trying to fix it... as best as he can without really knowing the underlying cause of it :/

Ugh that probably didn't make much sense >.>

Have you ever thought he may not be in love with you anymore?

He may have someone else.

... ouch :/

I know he loves me... and he says he's not cheating on me and honestly, I have no reason to doubt him. He doesn't even talk to other girls ( I know this because he has a crazy schedule with work and I'm usually with him on his days off... )

I'm basically the most insecure girl on the planet... so that kind of made me die a little inside at the thought of someone I've been with for years straight up lying to my face everyday when he says he loves me.

He's still making plans for our future... I don't think someone who had another girl would do that...

But I'm naïve... maybe I'm totally wrong.

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Originally Posted by Dysenchanted

...ouch :/

I know he loves me...and he says he's not cheating on me and honestly, I have no reason to doubt him. He doesn't even talk to other girls ( I know this because he has a crazy schedule with work and I'm usually with him on his days off....)

I'm basically the most insecure girl on the planet...so that kind of made me die a little inside at the thought of someone I've been with for years straight up lying to my face everyday when he says he loves me.

He's still making plans for our future...I don't think someone who had another girl would do that...

But I'm naive....maybe I'm totally wrong.

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It was just a thought. I think he probably loves you very much. He may be depressed. Sorry didn't mean to hurt you. Just give him a little space about the sex. It'll work out. Just trust in the future and show him you love him.:)

His gun is jammed and he's blaming the game bird.

It could be work. It could be one of several things like kp mentioned. It could be that he is just in a funk right now. But for him to know that there's a problem, and for him to break your sexual spirit by saying that you are turning him off by initiating sex, is wrong.

Talk, and work through it. If that doesn't work, then find someone who thinks you hung the moon.

It's not you it's him.

Good luck.

What causes a man to lose interest in sex? Have you considered each of these and whether they are an issue for him?

Stress – Job stress and self-esteem are big factors. Is he having issues at work?

Medical issues – Anything from depression to high blood pressure to diabetes can cause problems. Is he on any medication? For example, anti-depressants can cause a decline in libido. Has he checked with his doctor or urologist to rule out any problems?

Quality of your relationship – You indicate that it is great, but maybe just double check with him that he isn't angry or disappointed with some aspect of it.

Too much togetherness – You indicate that this has been a problem since you moved in together. Are you both spending time away from each other, maybe with your friends or family? Do you have some separate interests? Both will make your relationship more exciting and the time you spend together more fun.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, go out with friends together. It gives you a chance to watch him and for him to watch you interact with others. If he sees you smiling, laughing, and having a good time it will remind him of why he was attracted to you in the first place.

He might be having performance anxiety. I say that because of his comment that it turns him off when you attempt to initiate sex. I think you hinted at this being a problem he says is fixed, but he may still be concerned. He may still be putting too much pressure on himself and doesn't feel adequate. Make sure you both have realistic expectations. The fact you are talking and he wants to work on it is great.

Are you having fun outside of the bedroom? If you aren't already, you both might try getting more physical, with or without each other. Take up a sport, work out, go for a walk alone or together. If you're already physical, step it up some.

Most "normal" men wouldn't have a problem with their lady starting the action. I know that I don't. Never have had. In fact, it's often more times than not, the guy complaining about the lack of interest on their mate's part, when I hear about it.

He has issues. Now because of those issues, you are questioning your own sexuality. Don't allow it.

What kind of stress is he going through at work?

As for work, he's getting a possible hour cut, and with us just moving in together, that'll make finances tight and he's probably worried about that.

As for medication, he's only on antibiotics for an infection... don't know if the meds or the infection itself is an issue :/

With the whole "being together too much" thing, we don't... we both work 40 hrs/week and are on opposite schedules. I sleep alone 4 nights a week, it's so opposite and we only see each other at the beginning of the week for the most part and only have 1 day off together :( So it's definitely not seeing too much of each other...

Unfortunately we don't have much time to go out with friends due to said crazy schedule.

Thanks for all the help though guys :)

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Originally Posted by Dysenchanted

As for work, he's getting a possible hour cut, and with us just moving in together, that'll make finances tight and he's probably worried about that.

As for medication, he's only on antibiotics for an infection...don't know if the meds or the infection itself is an issue :/

With the whole "being together too much" thing, we don't...we both work 40 hrs/week and are on opposite schedules. I sleep alone 4 nights a week, it's so opposite and we only see each other at the beginning of the week for the most part and only have 1 day off together :( So it's definately not seeing too much of each other...

Unfortunately we don't have much time to go out with friends due to said crazy schedule.

Thanks for all the help though guys :)

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Good luck to both of you!:)

Maybe there is just so much going on right now between work schedules, moving in together, and time cuts at work. He may not even realize that he is feeling stress. And no doubt this is now on his mind as well.

You have talked about it together, he knows your feelings on the subject, you said he will show interest for awhile and then it will taper off... perhaps it might help to pull back for a bit.

Stick with the cuddling and having fun together. Obviously show signs of affection, but be sure it doesn't frequently move into more initimate touch. Give him the chance to make some of the first moves. It doesn't have to be "fixed" right away... let the dust settle a little now that it has been discussed and needs/desires have been made known.

Thank you Kitkat22 :)

And DoulaLC that's probably what's going on. I've been laying off and he's been seeming more into it, making the moves and such. It'll probably take some time but I think he's coming out of this funk. Thanks for your input!

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Originally Posted by Dysenchanted

Thank you Kitkat22 :)

And DoulaLC that's probably what's going on. I've been laying off and he's been seeming more into it, making the moves and such. It'll probably take some time but I think he's coming out of this funk. Thanks for your input!

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Hang in there! Blessings:)

Straight up he's ****ing crazy. My girlffriend is like him sometimes and it drives me insane. There has only been a couple times where my girlfriend has initiated sex and I know exactly what you mean. I would love for my girlfriend to take me down to the bed and show me how she roles but it always seems like I am the one doing it and starting things. We never have had that in the begging a lot of sex. The most we have ever done it was maybe a week straight everyday, but that's pushing it and we have only maybe done it twice a day on a couple times since we have been dating. Like you said we love to cuddle and we have a great strong relationship, but she doesn't really see the wants and needs of me yet, but I see hers and we talk about it all the time and it resolves things for a little while, but I feel you on everything hope a little more helped you out!