My 6 year old daughters father hasn't seen her since she was 20 months old and now he wants to come back into her life and bring his new wife with him. What is the best way to handle this situation as I do not want my daughter inundated with people she doesn't know. He has every right to get to know his daughter and spend time with her but I think it is important that until she is comfortable with him that his wife should stay away. It is going to be hard enough trying to reintroduce him and his mother into her life I don't feel it is fair to add more confusion or stress on my daughter. Can someone help me figure out the best way to reintergrate her father and grandmother into her life and how to keep the new wife out of the picture until my daughter is ready.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ssgoff01

What is the best way to handle this situation as I do not want my daughter inundated with people she doesnt know.

---

Hello s:

You're right. It also sounds like you CONTROL the situation... So, MAKE happen, what you WANT to happen. Tell him to come alone or don't come. That's all.

excon

Does your daughter know about her father,and that he wants to see her?

If so,how does she feel about it?

I think it is your Prerogative to set the terms of this introduction,him on his own,with you present,in a comforable place that is familiar to you and your daughter,with a time limit in place.

Then give her time to adjust.

If they are to develop a relationship she needs time and so does he for transition,so of course do you.

I think perhaps you have to be straight up with him regarding your concerns,your not saying she can never meet them,just that your daughters best interests are foremost.

Is there a legal agreement in place for custody or maintence?

I'm afraid I can't answer questions on the legal side of things,but I do think its is something you should look into,hopefully another poster will be able to offer advice or suggestions if you have any questions regarding the legal aspects of the situation.

My daughter has seen pictures of her father but does not know him as he walked out of her life when she was 20 months old and has not attempted visitation since and only calls once every couple of years. She has spoken to his mother on the phone recently but doesn't know who she is only that it is her grandmother that she hasn't "met". His mom last saw her when she was only 14 months old. She only recently started calling again and my daughter has spoken with her. They live in Houston and we are in Dallas.

There is a custody agreement in place that allows for standard possession; he has never exercised any of his visitation with her has never acknowledged her birthday or holidays and only calls every couple of years. I know that I can not deny him visitation with her but I also do not want him to just pick her up and take her for a weekend visitation when she has no clue who he is. I want to introduce him and his mother slowly into her life and once she is completely comfortable then I will consider introducing his new wife to her. But I want as little trauma to her as possible mentally and emotionally. When she sees a picture of him and asks who he is I tell her it is her dad and she doesn't ask anymore then that. Is there a way to approach him about not bringing his wife around her until she has gotten to know him and his mother without starting a war or having to go back into court to protect my daughter?

You don't really know what's going on at their side,or what has happened for this sudden change of heart.

I think you should cover the legal side of things should he decide he wants to enforce the visitation,or an over night if its included,which would be very upsetting for you and your daughter.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ssgoff01

Is there a way to approach him about not bringing his wife around her until she has gotten to know him and his mother without starting a war or having to go back into court to protect my daughter?

---

Hello again, s:

Nobody can answer that. Personally, if it were me, I wouldn't care if a war got started or not. Although you didn't mention it, I suspect he HASN'T paid a dimes worth of child support. He CERTAINLY hasn't been a father... Why do you have to be so NICE to him, and ACCOMMODATE him? Don't you think HE should ACCOMMODATE you and his daughter?? I certainly do.

From a LEGAL perspective, your visitation agreement notwithstanding, NO police force will help him enforce it IF you deny him visitation. You're in the drivers seat. So, DRIVE.

excon

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by redhed35

does your daughter know about her father,and that he wants to see her?

if so,how does she feel about it?

---

She knows about him but does not know that he wants to see her as this all just happened at 7am when preparing to go into her first day of school. He has not called or spoken directly to me. It is his mother contacting me saying him and his wife would like to come see her and he should be contacting me about it. I am trying to prepare for that phone call and for the next time I talk to his mother. I want my daughter to know her father and his family but I want to slowly introduce them into her life and for starters only introduce the people who are blood related. I do not think it is good for her to be introduced to the new wife until she has been given the chance to bond with the people whom she is related to.

I don't know if I am making sense or not; but I want to protect my daughter and want to make sure that if him and his mother walk back into her life that they aren't going to walk back out before I introduce other people into her life. Not to mention the confusion it will create trying to explain that his wife is her step mother when she barely understands that he is her father.

Am I right in feeling this way? How do I politely explain this to him so as to not start a war? The last time he wanted to introduce this woman (at the time he had just started dating this woman) to her and I said no because she had to get to know him first before he brought someone she didn't know into her life and I stated I wanted to run a criminal background check on her also before letting her near my daughter he told me to terminate his rights. Which I did not do. Him and his family do not seem to understand that her mental and emotional well being is more important then them getting their way and that I will not put my daughter into any situation that might cause confusion or harm to her mental and emotional well being.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ssgoff01

I will not put my daughter into any situation that might cause confusion or harm to her mental and emotional well being.

---

Hello again, s:

I know you're not listening. But, I'M listening to you. You SAY, above, what you WON'T do. Sounds to me, though, like that's exactly what you're going to do.

I'm out of here.

excon

Thank you very much to both of you for your help. And to answer your question Excon he onky pays child support when the state catches him working and makes his job withhold it fromm his check. It has always been very sporadtic since he will not keep a job for very long once the state steps in.

I am trying to be nice simply because I am a single mom of 3 kids and can not afford to fight him in a custody battle. I also want the best atomsphere for my daughter. If I am mean and hateful she will pick up on it and will act the same way towards him. I do not want to teach her to hate; but I do want her to learn and make her own choice about it. I do not want to take that from her. I don't know if that makes sense but I just want for her to see that it is okay to like him or love him if she chooses. I don't want to deny her the right to know her family on that side. I am not being nice for him I am being nice for her.

I think your dead right,and I agree with your thinking,its up to you to protect your daughter,he has to earn the right to be called daddy,any idiot can be a father,but it takes a man to be a daddy.

If it was me,I would do whatever it took to protect my child.

When the call comes,be ready with what you want to say,write it out if you need too.

I'm going to guess his wife has played a large part in him looking to see his daughter again,hopefully he will have matured and be responsible now,and understand your view point.

Stay calm and in control,find out exactly what his intentions are,short term and long term,be honest in your concerns.

I will not put my daughter into any situation that might cause confusion or harm to her mental and emotional well being.

What I meant here is I am not going to just let him leave with her until she is comfortable in doing so. I am also not going to let his new wife around her until I am sure it is not going to affect my daughters well being. After reading the posts from you and redhead I am going to contact several lawyers and see what my rights are legally as well as a few child psychologists.

Thank you again.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by redhed35

im going to guess his wife has played a large part in him looking to see his daughter again.

---

From what I hear from his mom it is her pushing for him to be a part of her life and the wife is just a jealous control freak who needs every second of his attention. Hence why it is such an issue about him bringing his wife with him. She doesn't let him off his leash from my understanding. The way his mom tells it reminds me of a dog on a retractable leash they run ahead thinking they have all the room in the world before the owner snaps back on the leash and shows them whose boss.

I do hope he has matured enough to see my concerns and to be big enough to play right where our daughter is concerned.

Thank you again for all your help

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ssgoff01

If I am mean and hateful she will pick up on it and will act the same way towards him. I am not being nice for him I am being nice for her.

---

Hello again, s:

If you read what I told you to say, you'll find it ABSENT of emotion. It's not nice, and it's NOT mean and hateful. It's firm. It's absolute. Certainly, it's NO firmer that you SAY you're going to be. I'm just telling you HOW to do it. Don't be mean. Don't be nice. Just be unbending about the conditions under which he may see your daughter.

excon

Thank you excon I will do that. I appreciate all your help with this.

S

How about talking directly to the child's father.

That should clear up what his intentions are, before anything is set up.

Well would be happy to talk to him but he failed to give me any of his information and has not called. His mother is the one pushing it all and said I should expect his call. I am just trying to gather information in preparation for when he does call. Just trying to figure out how best to approach the situation to best protect my daughter.

Something this important, shouldn't be negotiated by a third party in my opinion. That includes relatives.

I would not involve the six year old under any circumstances. That includes talking to strangers (who happen to be relatives). What happens if they just up and knock on your door bearing gifts and wanting to see your daughter?

I wouldn't hesitate to tell your husbands mother that your daughter is not up for negotiation. Not with her, through her, or on behalf of her father.

If he wishes to establish contact, he can get a lawyer, and a judge will determine what is in the best interest of the child, considering the history (or more importantly, lack of) between the father and child.

Please don't put this child in the middle of a potential mess. She does not know the man who is her biological father, she is too young to understand the purpose of sudden contact by adults she's never met, nor what this may mean. I would take her out of the position of being monkey in the middle so to speak, and set the groundrules, and stick to them.

Until this is worked out directly, between you and her father- only- and lawyers, any and all contact whatsoever will NOT happen. That is exactly what I would tell his mother as well.

Got to spread the rep but agree with Jake.

His mother might well be sounding you out so that she can go back to her son and say, 'sure she'll let you and the wife visit, give her that call.'

Let the mother know that's not how it is going to work. Get yourself some legal advice. Stick to your guns. I know you want the best for your child. But if her father isn't man enough to deal with this like an adult and put her interests first then she isn't missing much by not having him around.

You need to check out your legal rights, let him know your terms, then leave it up to him to step up or not. You will be able to truthfully tell your daughter what you did if she asks in the future, with a clear conscience if the father fails to deliver.

But remember that after the "meeting" and getting to know the father, if he has ( but not used) or if he is going to get a court order to visit he will get time to take the child away from your home. The first visit may be there for a short time, but other visits are better done at a park or neutral location.

But after a couple meetings, step mom ( his new wife) will have to be brought into it.

Read what your current visitation says, if it allows him to take her for weekends, unsupervised, then even before he calls I would go IMMEDIATELY to the court house and take him back to court for a visitation modification. Otherwise you can be held in contempt for not allowing him to exercise his rights.And some cops if he can prove it is his time with her by court order, will enforce said court order. My boyfriend is currently taking his ex wife to court because she will not make the children available to him. You can ask for supervised visitation either by yourself or a court appointed person and even stipulate that it be done at your house. Otherwise if you let it go as it is now, no judge will tell him what to do on his time with her, no matter what your feelings. A court order is God in these things. Before you get in front of the judge have what you want written out so you don't forget anything. You want to address, who can visit, when, for how long, where, and if it is supervised. Tell the judge that you are afraid after all this time that just allowing open visitation would place undo mental stress on her, and ask maybe that every 6 months you go back for review of the case to determine if a modification is in order, this should help him out a little. Also just as a side note, failure to pay is NEVER a reason to keep visitation from him, the judge will not allow this reason due to it is two separate things, but you can go after him for what he owes and have HIM held in contempt for not paying. You should be OK in not letting him take her while you wait for court but I'm not sure. Call a family attorney just to be sure what you legal standing is where you are, they should hear you out and give you some advise once for free. Good luck.