How can you go about things normally with a bad history?
I am having issues with finding a girl friend. I am afraid of going nuts over the slightest thing.
... I probably should explain. I don't have any fears of violence, I have good confidence (Which is surprising, really), I flirt with everyone... My issue is this:
I was born into a family with an abusive dad. When I was 5, it was the year that my favorite dog died of heartworms (I went out to play with, touched him and he fell over), and the year that my dad tried to strangle my sister to death. When I was 8 my dad threw my mom against the wall of my room. After that my mom and dad were using me as basically a pawn in their battles out of state.
I had friends, I was a nice kid, but I was fat and whimpy. I was bullied a lot in school. I had a best friend, but he decided that it would be better to make fun of me too. I spent most of my time using my 286 machine and surfing bbs's instead of trying to meet people. My live was spiraling out of control, and I decided to try to kill myself.
Obviously that failed, and my family put me in a mental institution (I was 13 at the time). I ended up going for 3 years. What they didn't know was that in my state, mental hospitals were corrupt, and the people in charge abused patients. I have had years of nightmares related to the staff beating me, putting me in this bubble room with people's blood all over the walls (they tried to kill themselves, although I guess it could've been related to the staff). The 'doctor's would give me medicine I didn't need (think of it as perfoming experiments on us kids), and then get mad at when I didn't perform correctly. Some medicine would knock me right out, if I didn't wake up properly they would throw me in the bubble room or make me sleep on box springs. Those doctors and staff apparently had a lot of sick fantasies of tormenting kids, which hit the news much later, but at the time they tormented all of us. When my mom finally caught wind of it, she went to the director and he quietly got rid of me.
So I was out, thinking everything would be fine (I was 16, this was for 11th grade). I had lost tons of weight as well, and I was pretty good looking. But my school didn't feel the same way, and forced me to enroll is a psycho-ed school. So a person like me who excelled in math and science got to learn 8th grade math all through 12th grade...
Even so, during the time, I made a lot of good friends at a local church. I loved these people. It is easy for me to make friends, even considering my life, as I'm usually very outgoing, and we got along well. Things seemed okay... Although I was having a lot of issues with health. All the stuff those doctors fed me, combined with losing weight fast, destroyed my gall bladder. I was having constant viruses. Although it didn't really affect me until a lot later on...
At my 12th grade year though, I came to my school to find a surprise. Our 'school' had relocated to a couple class rooms at a local middle school! And surprise! People who went to my church went there! I couldn't face them about a past that at the time I myself couldn't face, and all they ever knew was that I was a psycho... I ended up having to leave the first real friends I ever knew.
I went to another church, but nobody ever really cared. I had people who called me friends but never did anything. I ended up quitting church.
It was at this time where I began having constant nightmares. I had had nightmares on and off the past few years, but the worst of my PTSD began here. In the end I ended up having ptsd for 15 years.
My family was never any help. Everyone always fights each other (largely due to how my dad left the family), I was alone.
My health also got worse. I lost all of this weight but began gaining it back (due to many issues, including failing health and depression). Fast forward a few years to 2002-2004, and I began having constant urinary tract infections. I also have a medical condition where my tesosterone constantly depletes.
I was always a computer user, but when I got on to talk I was... angry. I was cyber bullied for awhile too, due to my attitude, and the fact that jackasses online could sense that I couldn't let things go. I ended up having to make a choice. If no one cares for you, do you end yourself, or live because you want to?
I ended up fighting for survival. I started taking androgel, excersicing, eating right, even if it hurt. Even with constant infections. I ended up losing my weight again, and everything seemed good...
In early 2006 I started having pains in my stomach area. This had happened before, I went to the emergency room and they found nothing. I thought it would go away. Only it got worse for 5 days, until the final day I knew I had to go to the doctor.
The doctor thought I was having a heart attack, but couldn't find anything. They gave me a name of a good emergency room and I went. I sat for hours as people coming in for colds got seen according to how they came in.
When I finally got seen, they did scans, and found the problem instantly. My gall bladder was full of puss and about to explode! They put me in the hospital immediately, on the terminal patient ward, WITH A ROOM BY MYSELF, and gave me 30% chance of survival.
I went to sleep for the night. The next day, they wheeled me into surgery. My mom was afriad that I would die, but the only thing I told was, "now is not my time to die".
The surgery was obviously a success, and the doctor told my mom that I was 1-2 minutes from dying when I saw him. I had a second surgery to remove kidney stones, and in 3 days I went home.
My white blood cell count finally went to normal, and I was okay. Or at least I thought... I began not sleeping properly. My nasal passages would close up and I couldn't sleep. I ended up gaining all of my weight back AGAIN!
I was going nuts, going to doctor after doctor. Finally I looked it up and found an issue that was just like mine: Turbinate hypertrophy. I went to a good ent and showed him what I found, and sure enough, I had it. In early 2009, 3 years later and back up to 320 pounds, I had surgery and FINALLY got rid of my medical issues.
One month later I joined a college. It's taken time to get back into math a science, esp. with only having a pre algebra, but that won't stop me. I bought a 6 monitor PC setup to be as productive as possible.
In middle 2010, I have lost 50 pounds, I go to the gym (I've gained a ton of muscle). I have had one virus, a mild cold, in coming on 5 years. My ptsd is gone and I'm making friends.
My hangup though is a best friend or girlfriend. How do I go about this? Most people don;'t have 30 years of trauma. Most people can't go to someone and say "oh hai, I am 31 and just got my drivers liscense 3 months ago, try not to think of me as a loser!".
And there's the whole issue of talking about all of this. Explaining why I've never dated, why I've never had a best friend, why I've never shared an intimate moment with anyone.
And what would you suggest as far as communication? I have no issues talking to women, but not getting their phone number gets me down. I've never gotten rejected, and women have given me their numbers, but you are talking my history...