I am in so much pain and broken hearted. My relationship with my 24-year-old daughter "Tel" has been very strained since her dad divorced me when she was 16. We were very close up until then. I did not want the divorce and Tel knew it, yet after the divorce she became verbally abusive towards me and showed little respect for me. At age 18 Tel went away to college and our relationship continued to be a roller coaster.

When Tel was 20 years old she asked if she could move in with me and attend college locally to save money. I had just remarried and I couldn't imagine trying to adjust to a new marriage with the tension that exists between Tel and myself. Not to mention that Tel was not exactly nice to my new husband. My husband was widowed and has three adult children that live in the area, but not with him. I have one other daughter who lives with us... she was 11 years old when I remarried. I told Tel that I didn't think it was a good idea since we seem to butt heads frequently. I offered to help her out financially with an apartment in the area and went apartment hunting with her. Everything that was in the price range I could afford wasn't good enough for her. Tel finally decided to move in with her dad, who by now was living in another state and attend an out-of-state college. Tel accused me of choosing my new husband and his kids (even though they're adults, on their own and have their own families) over her and didn't speak to me for over a year, despite my repeated phone calls and emails.

After about a year Tel started talking to me again and our relationship was better than it had been in the past. I went to visit her several times and paid for her to fly home and stay with me a few times, though she continued to give my husband the cold shoulder. Tel is attending grad school at a college about 4 hours away from her dad's house. When she has long weekends and school breaks, she stays with her dad (he has remarried).

A month ago Tel was at her dad's house and called my younger daughter who is now 15 years old and asked her to "fly out there" the next morning to go to a concert with her. My 15 year old was excited and handed me the phone to "make arrangements" with Tel. I told Tel it wasn't feasible as I had appointments and things arranged for my younger daughter that she needed to go to. Tel got extremely angry with me and accused me of being controlling and not letting her spend enough time with her sister. I told Tel that I offer all the time to fly Tel home to visit us, but she's always "too busy". I also mentioned to Tel that she can plan her time to be at her dad's house when her sister is there visiting. It turned into a heated argument and I ended up saying, "The only time I hear from you is when you need something or want money", which isn't entirely true, but somewhat. Tel said, "I'm hanging up now", which she did. I haven't heard a word from her since and can't stop crying. I have left her tons of voicemail messages, sent a lot of emails, etc. I have apologized in my messages over and over. I have pleaded with her in my emails and messages to please call me. She has deleted all the pictures on her Facebook with me in them and changed her profile picture to one of her and her dad. The pain is so great that I have been having suicidal thoughts. I feel as if everyone I have loved in my life sooner or later turns their back on me and cuts off communication (my own mother disowned me when I was a teenager). My 15-year-old daughter plans on moving to the state her dad lives in to be near to him and Tel after she graduates from high school and I'm trying to savor every second I have left with her before it ends. I want an end to the sleepless nights, the crying, the pain of loss. I haven't told my husband that there's a problem because he gets so angry at the way Tel treats me. Sometimes I think if I leave my husband Tel will come visit me more and we can work on our relationship. I don't know what to do.

I don't know what your daughters problem is but she is acting like a very spoilt brat.

Stop being her puppet,she pulls your strings each time you have a row,she manipulates the situation to her advantage and knows exactly how to hurt you,what buttons to press and what your reaction is going to be.

Stop trying to be her friend,she is disrespecting you.

Time for you to change how you react to her,by not doing anything.

Do not try and contact her,do not try and befriend her,leave her alone.

No more voice mails facebook/myspace/emails, nothing!

She will make contact eventually,and when she does,play your cards right,she has played you for the last time,IF she wants a relationship with you,she has got to grow the hell up,treat you with respect.

Don't be so quick to take her back into your life again.

She needs to change how she treats you.

As for you,my heart goes out to you,tell your husband what's going on,talk to him.

I think you would benefit from some councilling,or at least your doctor.

Your support is your husband,talk to him about this,get the emotional support you need.

I am impressed that you didn't let her move back into your house to live with you and your husband while she attended college. That was probably a very good move, and with the continued 'entitlement attitude', that itself is proof in the pudding.

She has somehow delegated you to a place of no respect, and your husband even further down the ladder than you are.

That she 'tolerates' him, by being cold and antagonistic, would be, and probably should be reason enough to cut those apron strings with a very sharp pair of scissors.

She beats you up emotionally, and you let her, and that has to stop. Why do you feel the need to accept her behaviour with so much guilt attached to it. For instance you did the right thing in not allowing the air fare for your younger daughter to just hop on a plane (at your expense as well most likely), to attend a concert with your older daughter. I think your daughter knew full well what the answer would be, she was just turning that knife sticking out of your back a little more.

Try to see her as a person, and a very not nice one at that. How she has turned out, is not your fault. I'm sure you are human like the rest of us, and as mothers, we do the very best we can for our children. But, they become adults. Independent, calling their own shots, being who they are, which is likely a huge mix of DNA that goes back hundreds of years. You have no control over what influences have shaped her life, her behaviour, or her current attitude. She is who she is. She is also your daughter, but, no longer your responsibility.

Don't let another minute go by, explaining her behaviour, trying to understand her behaviour, trying to change her behaviour, or wondering if you are the cause of any of it.

You cannot, and you are not.

Set some rules and respectful boundaries, and stick to them, as you have already, but let the guilt trip go. You'll give yourself a heart attack worrying about feeling guilty for doing the right things!

No way do any of my kids try that emotional blackmail stuff in my house without a proper cussing out. Who is the parent, and who is the child here because I can't tell.

Your daughter is a narcissist and it is about her and not you. Do not leave your husband. She is playing you for her gain. She knows you hurt and she wants you to hurt. This is her method of getting things from you. You have to go to counseling to understand her motives so you can have a life. You will never be able to do enough to keep this child from trying to manipulate you. If you get good counseling however you will be able to answer her appropriately and you will be able to live without guilt. Hopefully with honest discussions through time, she will begin to see her behavior and try and change it. She will be a very destructive mother if she continues having success using her technique to manipulate people. I wish you the best.