We were going through some problems. I actually found out myself from doing research from a roomer that was going around in town.when I confirmed my research he told me he was afraid to tell me. The woman not only has one child but two that is suspected to be his.his family was involved as well, because she was around them at times.he still says that he wants to save our marriage, but I am so hurt.we have four children together , and been together for twenty years.(married for 10years).I am just so hurt.

I am so sorry he has done this to you. That hurt you feel probably includes wondering how the one person you thought you knew, could have essentially lived a parallel life, and kept it all a secret. The betrayal is staggering, especially if it is true that the woman he has been seeing is a mother to his two children.

I wouldn't personally consider his excuse seriously. Afraid to tell you? No. That doesn't cut it.

That he wants to mend the marriage, without saying specifically how, doesn't wash either.

I honestly cannot say that I see a good reason to be married to a man, such as he is. He cannot undue what he has done, nor can he erase two children that he is now (potentially) going to be responsible for financially and otherwise, for a good chunk of his life.

Every time he chose to be with her, he neglected and abandoned his own family. I just couldn't ever get over that. Especially considering this was not a one night stand that was totally out of character for an otherwise good husband and father, and just happened to result in pregnancy. That alone would be hard to swallow, but, this is an ongoing relationship with a woman who may have two children by him. And he's drawn his own family members into this, which I find very offensive, disrespectful, and particularly hurtful. It seems everybody knew but you.

But, now you know, and you have only to make the choice to have him back, or send him packing. I would at the very least, separate for a minimum of six months. And during that time, insist upon marriage counselling, if you are at all considering trying to mend your marriage. During that time, you will have a better understanding on where things are heading, and mostly I say this because you have four children together. Whatever you decide, I hope you'll post again, and you will get more responses that will help you sort this all out.

I feel very badly for you Peace, I hope you post again and let us know how you are coping with all this.

You are supposed to be hurt, as he has betrayed you in ways (outside children), that are life changing and very sudden. This isn't just an accident, or a lapse in judgment, it's a long term behavior, and he knows he has screwed up.

First though, you need all the facts, (whether the kids are his or not).

Second, you have to have a support system, such as family, and friends

Third, time and space to evaluate your feelings, and cope with them, without his influence. (sleeping on the couch is not enough, and the porch is too close, and the doghouse would be unfair to the dog).

And last but not least, a plan of action that allows for all three conditions to be met so you can get beyond all the feelings that haunt you and address your own needs in the outcome of what ever you decide to do.

It would be great and a big benefit if you had an impartial third party to help advise you through this time, and trust me, with so much on the line, a careful thought full decision after the emotional dust has settled is exactly what you need. A very clear path forward. That's the goal.

You can forgive if that is what you choose to do, but it would be difficult. You have been lied to on many fronts. His family knowing about this is also hurtful.
First thing is he would have to leave the home. Then you need to have an impartial third party to talk to, someone to help you sift through the feelings you are no doubt having. Then whatever decision you make will be based on facts and not emotions.
I wish you well.

I'm sorry that you've had to endure all his infidelity, but you really need to think about the person who matters most to you - which is YOU.

You trusted him and he did not deserve your trust. A man can make a mistake once and really regret it, but he's obviously had a long term relationship if he suspects 2 children could be his.

I assume since you're considering staying that you think you still love him? Are you his mother? Are you going to love this poor child unconditionally?

In a relationship the most important things are trust and respect. Can you trust him? Do you feel he respects your feelings? Does he deserve your "love"?

You probably think that there is something you can do or change that will solve the problem and he will be faithful. It is not going to be that way.

Learn from it and move on. DUMP HIM!