I have been reading through a lot off these threadds and I expect to hear pretty much the same answers but I have a little more to add to mine. Here's my story:

Just out of a 3 year relationship. We have had our ups and downs through out but always happened to work it out and move on. We have both made mistakes and niether one of us is innocent. I have 3 kids and she has a daughter none of which are from the both of us. I have never brought my children around any females in the past or gotten them involved for these same reasons. I have pretty much raised her daughter from she turned a year old and she will be 5 in January. I have become very close to her daughter sometimes I feel even closer to hers than mine mainly because they have lived with me for the past 2 years day in day out and my daughter lives in another state. I basically only see my daught every summer and christmas. So I know I have a very tight bond with hers as she does with me.

I totally love this girl and I think I love her way too much. I have supported her and her daughter for the past year and some. She knows in her heart I would give her my last. I have done my wrong and have fully admitted it. In the past year we made an agreement to put everything behind us and move forward and so it has been. I have been totally faithful although she still had held trust issues from prior to agreeing to move forward. Coming down to the end I started noticing a distance between us. Every time I questioned it, it was always like must we talk about this now. Long story short I wasn't feeling appreciated especially for the amount I had done for her and her daughter. I received a message from a friend of a friend on FB. Yes my response was inappropriate but for the simple fact that someone appreciated a compliment it made me continue complimenting her. After the fact I realized it was wrong and I erased the message. Unfortuneately it popped up on another device and she saw it. That's when all hell broke loose.

So now the break up is in session and I have tried and tried and tried to fix and mend things. She is stuck on her heart and mind isn't there and she feels like if she was to get back into something she already knows where its going to end so it doesn't make sense. She also says she doesn't know where her mind will be in 6 months but right now she is doesn't feel anything for me. I have read about NC but its pretty hard for me at least right now because we have so many prior commitments that need to be handled and resolved. She moved out and back to her parents, yet I forgot to mention how close we are to each other families and so on. Since the break up we have had a wedding that we were both in my daughters birthday party that we both had mutual friends attending and a cruise. There are also many little things that are shared such as phone bills, car insurance etc. Since then as much as she has said she doesn't want anything she still has some items at my house, still calls everyday and we pretty much see each other everyday (for the kids sake, not sure!) I feel like I am getting so many mixed signals from her. She will still go over to my house and wash clothes and tidy up and little things like that. She has also been sleepng over but lately it has slowed down because I know she is seeing or at least messing around with another dude. He has been an issue from day one but she has always said he was just a friend. Looking back she always tried to throw on me that 9/10 times when someone cheatse its never anyone they would want to be with. She always made it seem like that's why I used to do what I did. Its gotten bad though because I tend to be doing things I would never do. I have been snooping through her things and finding out stuff but when I approach her she tries to play everything down and they are pretty much sneaking around in a sense. He does have a girlfriend but and he lives in another state so in my mind I know that's comfort for her right now because she is vunerable and he is probably telling her all she wants to hear. I notice when she stays by me everything seems to be going so well until she goes home and starts chatting with dude. All the while I just keep getting mixed signals. She says one thing but her actions say different. Not sure why she is holding on and that's my problem. I also feel like she is not even considering the kids feelings. It kills me that I have to lie to the kids because they have no clue what's taking place and I don't even know how to tell them. Even her daughter always wants to leave with me and.or stay with me. What to do what to do? I have spoken to her sister and her advice is to give her the cold shoulder and let her eat her words. My thing is I really feel like Im to grown to play these games, but is it really a game that needs to be played? I am 34 she 27. I really love her and would do anything to make it work for more reasons than one. I know I'm partially at fault for the break up but... Also a few more things that I left out, we have been attending a couples group through our church and she still wants us to attend, we still meet to go to church together, so really do you have an idea what's really going through her mind? Is it all really just a game to get even with me?

The relationship sounds like it has been rocky for a long, long time. So many unresolved issues, that you don't directly refer to for the most part, but I presume infidelity was one, perhaps on both your parts, not sure.

This reminds me of a suitcase. You stuff it and stuff it, until you can't fit any more in it, and then you stuff some more, and sit on it until you get it shut.

Seems to be that all the problems were just stuffed into a suitcase and put in a closet, until more problems needed to be stuffed in there too.

Clearly there were signs that both of you saw. People don't just drift apart, without a lot of silence between. If you weren't communicating properly, or at all, nothing ever gets resolved, until the next time, and there you are stuffing the last problem into that suitcase again, all the while dealing with yet another one.

NC is a technique used when the relationship has reached the end. When there is no hope except to learn how to leave the past in the past and move forward into the future.

With you, and your girlfriend, she is still very much in the picture, and my impression is that she is teetering on whether to put both feet out the door, or keep one foot in, and one out.

Could this be turned around into an opportunity?

What if you were to suggest counselling to see if things couldn't be worked out. Why not try and see what happens. At least draw a line in the sand, and say that you are willing to figure out the problems, and see what she says. I'm not talking about dragging the suitcase into the counsellors office just yet, but rather a solid gesture of reconciliation, with an actual plan in hand.

If she is willing, and you are willing, and both of you still have a certain level of commitment to each other, this may very well turn around. At least you will be certain one way or the other, just how much mending can be done, and whether it will be enough to salvage the relationship. A couples counselling program through your church hasn't helped. This needs more than general assistance, and a more direct approach that is geared only to you and to her.

I'm very impressed that you are so close to her little daughter. She's lucky to have you in her life. You sound like quality dad material to me. It would be a shame to have that relationship taken away. She could be another good reason to give it a try.

If I were you, I wouldn't wait too long because at some point a decision will have to be reached between the two of you, and the longer you wait and hope without taking an active part in reaching that decision, the harder it will be. Who knows, maybe she is waiting for you to make a move, and you're waiting for her to make a move.

Wow jake2008 you pretty much hit everything head on! Will take your advice and give it a shot! Btw thanks for the compliment!

Here's another question. I have already asked her before about going to counseling. That was right after we broke up. At first she was all for it and then she a week or two after she asked me what was my purpose of wanting to go. When I told her to see if things could work out for us then she changed her mind and said she didn't want to because she doesn't want me to think there is hope. I brobught it up once after that but for some reason it would be in a conversation that would have turned into and argument and then she would bring it up and say that she didn't want to go to no counseling further more anything that involved she and I. Lately we have been arguing a lot less but when ever the relationship topic arises she says it fustrates her. The thing is usually I would be over at her ouse when these topics come up and we would argue, the last time we spoke about it she said it feels good being free because right before she and I met she not too long before that got out of an abusive relationship with her dausghters dad. When we first met niether one of us were interested in being in a relationship yet it just happened. Back to what I was getting at, after we would have these talks when I would leave I would ask her to just think about us, the kidss and so on and she will say differently. I would say pray about us and she will respond she will. She also hugs me with a very warming embrace not the typical goodbye hug. I don't know if I'm looking to deep into it or over analyzing it because that is what I want but it really puzzles me. Im sure she is hurting on the inside and she needs to focus on other things to get over the pain but I am no expert at this. Did I mention she is very stubborn! We have a cruise planned, actually next week. We planned it since Feb for us and the kids and when we first broke up she would just out the blue randomly say she is no longer going on the cruise so I need to get my money back and so on. Well the time is hear and she is going. I have been avoiding arguments and talking about relationship just so that we can enjoy our vacation. She constantly keeps telling me she doesn't kow how she will feel in 6 months and I feel like she is talking to other guys. Quite sure they are just distractions but I feel like they are distractions in both directions. I have read many articles and asked many people for advice on how to handle my situation. I have been told to cut communication and ties so that she can miss me and on the contrary I have been told if I truly love her to fight for her and to do the opposite. I want to just enjoy the vacation and not bring up too much relationship talk. I want to try to have a couples day with her and then a couples night if all goes well, like the spa and dinner and then maybe casino and dancing one night. After the cruise Im thinking if I should bring back up the whole counseling thing. My question is how do you think I should go about it on the cruise and when we return off our fantasy week how should I handle the situation? Do I back off, do I fight for what I want, what? Soo confused...

Why not go. Most likely it will be a good time for both of you. Step outside your troubles and just enjoy the trip. What I wouldn't do is bring up anything to do with the relationship.

Think of it as a breather, leave your troubles behind. At the same time, don't 'woo' her, or pressure her in any way. Think of it more as a short break, not a week to solve everything.

If she sees it the same way, then you are both free to enjoy eachothers company, without worrying if one or the other is going to turn it into the cruise from hel*.

But, you need to talk to her ahead of time. Let her know what the game plan is, and be certain that she can be mature and respectful enough to keep things, basically, on hold.

Consider everything else as 'work', because it is. When you get home, arrange a time with her after things are settled, to go somewhere quiet, and just talk.

She keeps mentioning that six month thing. I don't think that's fair, and it should be negotiated. If she needs six months to figure out if she's in, or out, that is a long time to be on the hook wondering what will happen.

When you have a talk, consider setting or negotiating a few boundaries, and expectations. You might start with setting a regular schedule to see her daughter. Maybe agree to meet together on such and such a date, to discuss setting up counselling- which is a must. Basic minimum. It is fair and reasonable of you to use all the tools at your disposal to try and see if this can work.

Give her a set time to decide if she will attend. She has to give something toward a common goal in other words.

If she is unwilling to talk, air her concerns, get help, and try, well, you have your answer.

Anything is negotiable, if the cards are clearly on the table, and you are both heading in the same direction. If that doesn't happen, when she is unwilling to even start, and you are jumping through firehoops to work this out, you will have to be able to recognize that without the basic commitment of expectations toward that end, there is no longer 'a couple', there are only two people who have insurmountable differences.

The plus side of all of this is that you aren't waiting around wondering and worrying. I really encourage you to take physical steps to get some answers and direction from her. That is perfectly reasonable I think.

As to the cruise, again I say, talk to her. Agree to give each other a break, and enjoy yourselves.

I don't often disagree with Jake, but I think you stop chasing after, and hoping, for a female that has dumped you and put you in the friends zone.

Sorry guy, I think your just dragging out the inevitable, and prolonging the misery. Bow out gracefully and keep your dignity and self respect, as you heal, and gain back your object clarity of thought so you can do what's best for you without confusion, and based on facts and not just feelings.

Only then can you deal with your dilemma in a realistic way, because you will have MADE the time to cope with your feelings in a mature way, without the false hope. If she misses you fine, if she doesn't its still all good, and you will know what's best for you.

Look, I understand you want to go on vacation because you think things will be so great that it changes things, but stop and think, why would she dump you, and then agree to this "vacation"? Don't know why that at least wasn't settled when you got dumped. I see this as a clear signal that you are going as friends and nothing more and seriously doubt you will enjoy yourself or her, knowing she ain't into the romance any more, just friendly fun. I could be wrong, but maybe that's something you need to find out as false hope, and unrealistic expectations have made this more a farewell cruise than one to reignite a dead flame.

As I said I could be way off, but given what you have written, she probably feels bad that its to late to get your money back, and she would hate a free vacation to go to waste. I think for sure she will be done with this issue once the cruise is over, and you are back home.

I can only wish you luck, and hope it works out the way you want it to.