Ask Me Help Desk - He's no good for me so why can't I let go

I was with my partner for 5 years and at the start it was great but then we would argue sometimes and he would grab me at the back of the neck and once in temper he kicked me. I'm not making excuses for him but I know deep down he would never of hurt me. As time went on I started having panic attacks and anxiety attacks but could never put my finger on what was causing them, they got so bad even getting up in the morning was a struggle and I seriously thought I was having a nervous break down. At work I was fine and as soon as I got in the car to come home they would start again. After going to counciling it all came out about my relationship and I ended it and amazingly all my panic stopped and I couldn't believe it. I lived on egg shells all the time scared of what to say in case it upset him. After six week of us splitting up he meet someone else and moved in with her and I didn't hear from him again. We have a 2 year together and he's never paid me a penny. After 5 months had past I got a text out the blue saying he had made a massive mistake and wanted to come back, I said no but now he's txting and calling me all the time saying such lovely stuff and I'm so confused about how I feel. My heart says try again but my head is saying no and I'm scared to let go of hima and I don't know why??

ONE thing to think very hard about.He hasn't paid one cent for the child's welfare... that should be enough of a red flag to end ANY OTHER CONSIDERATIONS!

Stop the process of forgive and forget,he will use you,he already is and will most likely always will.

Go to court,make him pay for the care of your child,he can then move on and PAY HIS WAY for the responsibilities he has already started and not completed.

Once an abuser see's weakness they will exploit that weakness.Let him back in and you are under his control again,panic attacks are a holiday compared to a lengthy trip to the hospital.

This is no longer just about YOUR FEELINGS, there is a child involved.Where is you child going to learn any decent behaviors if they are exposed to aggression and panic attacked mothers?

Stay away from the bad boy.. he has shown his best.

Is that what you really want in your life?And to further the panic attacks,, you aren't thinking clearly.Re-read what you wrote us, remember how it was back then, do you really think he will change?REALLY?

KBC is right in all regards. The child must come first. Above everything. As hard as it is, try to stay in focus here, and protect your child.

I do understand the 'fear' feelings, and the confusion. You have learned to be in control through counselling, and also through being on your own, and having the confidence and self esteem blossom. This you did. Nobody did it for you, and you are to be congratulated for being strong enough to get out, and live a healthy life.

All of that healing does not mean that you still don't have feelings for him. They are just not active. You probably have thoughts of how good it was at times, and when things were good, they were very, very good. You loved the good in him. What you also did, was tolerate the bad, and eventually, the bad outweighed anything good. You learned enough about him to know how charming he could be, and how he could seem to be so sincere about changing, but you also knew, you always ended up back in the same place.

Don't be afraid to admit that some of the softer feelings will surface from time to time. The key is, not to let those feelings trick you into thinking that it is ALL good, because you know it isn't. Recognize that you have slipped into a bit of a fairy tale, and realize that, that is all it is. What you feel, when he talks to you, and more to the point, sweet talks you, is like a moth driven to a flame. You know you are going to get burned.

You had an opportunity to free yourself from him, and you did, and kudos to you for setting a strong example that your child will eventually benefit from because of your actions.

Stay your ground, don't lose ground, and try not to let yourself slip down that slope into the quicksand that got you in the mess in the first place.

Your heart is saying one thing, as you said, and your head another. And don't think he doesn't know that. After five years with you, he knows you well, and managed to pretty much wipe the floor with you. Think of how hard you had to work to heal from that toxic relationship. Tell your heart to instead focus on the love you have for your child, and the blessing you have been given at a shot to find true happiness with a good man. They are out there.

He, is not one of them.

If the situation was really as bad as you described it then you definitely shouldn't go back to him because this really sounds awful. I know it might sound hard but you'll definitely do better without him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

KBC is right in all regards. The child must come first. Above everything. As hard as it is, try to stay in focus here, and protect your child.

I do understand the 'fear' feelings, and the confusion. You have learned to be in control through counselling, and also through being on your own, and having the confidence and self esteem blossom. This you did. Nobody did it for you, and you are to be congratulated for being strong enough to get out, and live a healthy life.

All of that healing does not mean that you still don't have feelings for him. They are just not active. You probably have thoughts of how good it was at times, and when things were good, they were very, very good. You loved the good in him. What you also did, was tolerate the bad, and eventually, the bad outweighed anything good. You learned enough about him to know how charming he could be, and how he could seem to be so sincere about changing, but you also knew, you always ended up back in the same place.

Don't be afraid to admit that some of the softer feelings will surface from time to time. The key is, not to let those feelings trick you into thinking that it is ALL good, because you know it isn't. Recognize that you have slipped into a bit of a fairy tale, and realize that, that is all it is. What you feel, when he talks to you, and more to the point, sweet talks you, is like a moth driven to a flame. You know you are going to get burned.

You had an opportunity to free yourself from him, and you did, and kudos to you for setting a strong example that your child will eventually benefit from because of your actions.

Stay your ground, don't lose ground, and try not to let yourself slip down that slope into the quicksand that got you in the mess in the first place.

Your heart is saying one thing, as you said, and your head another. And don't think he doesn't know that. After five years with you, he knows you well, and managed to pretty much wipe the floor with you. Think of how hard you had to work to heal from that toxic relationship. Tell your heart to instead focus on the love you have for your child, and the blessing you have been given at a shot to find true happiness with a good man. They are out there.

He, is not one of them.

Hello jake I just wanted to tell you I have just read fayes story and was amazed because it is so similar to mine at the moment I am searching for advice desperatley because my story went even further I went back and even married him and you are so right they don't change its been 1 year of torture and regret he keeps leaving me and going off to his own home at the moment I haven't seen him for 7 weeks I've suffered with him but its worse without him I can't seem to pull myself together its terrible the pain I am feeling we have no children together so there is no hold but I still love the man because your right you do think of the nice times but I wrote a list the good things and the bad and the bad list WAS much longer. How can we get rid of the feelings and get our lives back on track I wish someone had a magic wand to wave over my life and let me be free of this pain it seems to be getting worse please help me x

Quote:

Originally Posted by crisscarter

hello jake i just wanted to tell you i have just read fayes story and was amazed because it is so similar to mine at the moment i am searching for advice desperatley because my story went even further i went back and even married him and you are so right they dont change its been 1 year of torture and regret he keeps leaving me and going off to his own home at the moment i havent seen him for 7 weeks ive suffered with him but its worse without him i can't seem to pull myself together its terrible the pain i am feeling we have no children together so there is no hold but i still love the man because your right you do think of the nice times but i wrote a list the good things and the bad and the bad list WAS much longer. how can we get rid of the feelings and get our lives back on track i wish someone had a magic wand to wave over my life and let me be free of this pain it seems to be getting worse please help me x

If you would cut and paste your question into the box at the top of the page where it says "Ask your question or search...."
It will start a thread of your own.

It will help if you add the details of your story instead of paraphrasing this OP.

Because, as I have said a million times, some women like the bad guy, the rebel, the one they can't control and who treats them like crap. Women want to fix them and they can't.