I'm writing here out of desperation really. I'm a 29 year old female who has never had a sex drive. I'm not feminine in the slightest either, not sure if that is relevant or not but I'll throw it in anyway. I think the reason I don't have a drive is because of emotional abuse in my childhood (resulting in me having an attachment disorder into adulthood). I've been checked out by doctors - my bits are fine, lol, my hormones are fine, and apparently I'm physically fine.

Anyway, I've been in psychotherapy for a year now and its worked really well for all my other problems, but I still have no inclination whatsoever to have sex. In my early 20s I slept with a lot of people (I was single) because I was thinking "maybe I haven't met the right man yet". Unfortunately it seems like there is no right man. Or woman either - I'm definitely not that way inclined. My therapist keeps saying "it will take time" but she said that a year ago too... not sure how much time we are talking - 5 years? 10 years? Functionally, I would call myself asexual at this point (although not truly asexual since I'm guessing my issues caused me to be like this).

I have a long term boyfriend who is really getting upset by all this. We have sex about 3 times a week but I think he's getting put off by the fact that I never get horny and the sex we have is all about him. I prefer it like that.. makes me feel like less of a failure each time we have sex. This whole issue really makes me feel down all the time.

So how should I go about developing a sexuality? My doctor, psychotherapist and other treatment people don't give me any hints at all when I ask them, they just say "only you know how to make it happen" but the thing is, I have no idea! Anyone got any pointers? :)

'and the sex we have is all about him. I prefer it like that.. makes me feel like less of a failure each time we have sex.'

Is that because if you make it about you, it makes you feel pressured to enjoy it and be turned on and expectation has taught you that isn't going to happen so you avoid the whole 'you thing'.

Or would it make you a failure if you did enjoy it?

Or?.
Sex isn't an exam to pass or fail, so what is the failure thing actually about?

While you may have hit the nail on its head with the prior abuse issues, since this is very much a mentally driven thing with women, vs a primarily primal physical thing with guys... have you eliminated a possible homonal imbalance as a contributing factor?

I have a feeling that part of your problem is that you never orgasm from sex.

Do you masturbate? Are you able to bring yourself to orgasm?

Thanks very much for the replies. I'll answer the questions below:

QLP: I think its because there is a lot of pressure there for me to enjoy it (not necessarily orgasm) and he puts so much effort in trying to make it good for me, and it makes me feel like a failure when he goes to all that trouble and I don't even get turned on. And it's not a matter of technique, I just don't get turned on when another person is in the room.

Smoothy: Nope that's not the case, I've had my hormones tested on multiple occasions and they were fine.

Synnen: Nope I don't get turned on at all let alone orgasm! But it's supposed to be about the journey not the destination.. so I don't put a high value on the orgasm. Getting turned on at all would be fine for me :D Yes I can masturbate alone and orgasm in like 3 minutes easily. But as soon as anyone else is in the room everything goes dead.

Oh and I think it's relevant to add that I have never been sexually attracted to anyone in my life. No men or women.

Have you discussed this with your councelor before?

Edit... I see you have. Have you gone into real discussion about it or was it just a passing mention? Have you considered a second opinion from another doctor?

You can't underestimate the power of the mind. With normal hormone levels its almost certainly a mind centric issue.

I agree it's not about the destination but the journey. Do you enjoy anything he does? I mean even if it's only having your hair stroked and it makes you feel relaxed rather than horny that would still count as enjoyable. If there are some things that are at least pleasant maybe you could ask for more of those and try to focus on what you can enjoy rather than what you can't for a while.

I agree with Smoothy that it does sound like something that needs to be unlocked psychologically. Is your therapist focusing on this? Maybe you need a different therapist for this particular problem.

I can imagine it must be extremely frustrating and I do hope you find a solution.

Thanks guys for your responses. :)

Yes I have talked about it to many doctors, as well as counsellors and this psychotherapist I am with at the moment. The doctors don't really care for some reason - one even laughed at me and told me "Women aren't SUPPOSED to enjoy sex!" Not a good doctor there lol. The counsellors don't have much to say. But the psychotherapist thinks it's something like I don't want the intimacy that goes with it (or I fear the intimacy that goes with it).

The most likely one would be the psychotherapist's view. However it still doesn't gel because to me, sex is sex and there are no emotions involved. I have tried to force myself to think otherwise but it doesn't work.. I think that maybe for me it is just physical. For me there is no intimacy in sex, so why would I be scared of it? Not sure about that one. I did think maybe my "receptors" towards the emotions during sex are either not there or are turned off. Not sure.. just a speculation. The only emotion I've ever witnessed during sex (with long term, loving partners as well as the casual ones) is horniness, and I am not even sure if that is an emotion.

Where do the emotions come from? I mean sex isn't "special" so that can't be it - you could get sex from any joe off the street so it isn't that special. I could understand giving pleasure to another person is considered special I guess, but to me it just feels like my duty to be done every couple of days for the rest of my life. So where is this emotion that comes from sex? Is it possible to "Make love" and feel emotions from sex when you personally don't become horny or aroused in the slightest? Maybe that is my problem. Maybe the emotions come from the horniness state of mind?

I got no idea.. lol :/

Oh, I forgot to answer QLP's question:

No physically I don't get anything out of it. It doesn't relax me really, because he wants to do all these weird positions, etc. And as far as pleasure in giving him pleasure, that gets old after about 15 years.

Do they have specialist sex therapists where you live that can work with you both as a couple? It occurs to me that whilst I can understand your partner wants to have lots of sexual variety and enjoyment it has built up to an enormous amount of pressure for you. Expecting sexual gymnastics from someone who has zero sex drive can't be helpful to you. There are ways to try and get past this but it basically involves stripping away everything you have learned and starting again and would require your partner to be willling to go through the process with you.

I think the problem is that you have buried any emotional response to sex so deep that you have locked away your ability to enjoy it at the same time. You say sex isn't so special so why should there be emotions. The fact is that it is normal to have an emotional response of some kind to pretty much everything in life. The weather is lousy, we feel a bit disaappointed. Our dinner tastes lovely, we feel satisfied. We hear a bit of gossip and feel intrigued. We get cut up in traffic, we feel a little irritated. We have emotional responses to the most mundane things so if sex for you means no emotions at all I think you must have locked that away deep down.

All the talking therapy you have been having doesn't seem to be unlocking this. A sex therapist could give you a program to follow with your partner that could help you try and break it down in stages.

Actually for women... yes, emotions ARE a large portion of sex... and the Doctor that told you women aren't supposed to be able to enjoy sex is a total idiot.

Basically most of the women I have ever dated and my wife will back that up... but then again a wlole long list of members here will do the same as well..

THere IS a physical component with women... but its tightly tied to the brain if she's really not receptive mentally to it, then she's not going to get anything out of it.

Guys are far more physical... but even with a guy, under the right circumstances his brain can override that.

Cool, thank you for the replies. Looks like that is my problem right there - absence of any kind of emotions during sex when apparently everyone else has them. Not sure how I could have buried something that never did exist for me, but I might have to look into a sex therapist about that.

I'll do that, but recently I've been doing some research that indicates that I might just be asexual. That would be a big relief to me if that were the case. I will still try the sex therapist though - you never know!

I would say that you buried the emotional side long before you knew what sexual attraction was. From what you have said here, I would hazard a guess that you have been protecting yourself from becoming too close to other people and letting them get too close to you. Sex is just sex because otherwise it would be a physical manifestation of allowing someone to get close to you. It's another aspect of the emotional detachment you talked about going to therapy for.

I think a therapist who understands ALL the ways that the damages of emotional abuse can manifest will be good for you.

Good luck.

Cat1864:

You want to know something freaky? My therapist said the same thing in my session today. LOL - damn you guys are good! :) Yes that explanation strikes a chord with me, I'm betting that is it.

Thanks very much guys. Of all the sites I've been on trying to get advice, this is by far the best and most thorough. Gives me a lot of stuff to follow up in my recovery. Thanks a lot guys :D

Good luck and I hope your recovery goes as smoothly as it can. :)