Ask Me Help Desk - Still in love with EX

Moved to its own thread, and edited.

I am still lin love with my ex. I saw him last year for lunch and drinks (nothing else happened) and I felt that desire and connection that I missed so much. Even now, thinking of him turns me on, whereas it's hard for me to get turned on with my husband. My husband is a good guy but I don't think we want the same things out of life. When I imagine having a child, I envision my ex. That's primal! And I'm 35, so I don't have much time in that arena. I feel I've wasted the last 6 years being married to the wrong person (although I've loved him as well, but don't think he's the right one). What to do? Any advice would be appreciated.

How you could find a 6 year old thread, know it was a old thread and still piggy back to it, is really beyond me.

First merely answering a 6 year old thread

But to place your question on it, instead of asking a new one??

I will assume the site was just too confusing, and I am sorry, please play around and figure it out,

I have moved your question to its own thread.

I think you are in love with the memory of the good things, and have forgotten the reasons you broke up with him.

I think you need to stop meeting your ex and get into counseling to open up communication with your husband

Stay with your husband. Leave the ex alone. You'll regret it if you start an affair with this man.

What you feel is not love, it's lust, plain and simple.

You stand to lose more then you will gain. Stop letting your hormones rule your actions.

I think it is quite natural to wonder, 'what if.. '. I know I've done that from time to time, and especially during the hard times, or the confusing times.

But to go from wondering 'what if' to actually taking steps to meet up with this person is red flag #1. You say nothing happened. I say, who do you think you're kidding.

He's got you re-thinking your entire marriage!

It is all too easy to find fault with your husband, and whether you realize it or not, use those thoughts to justify the ex, justify the ex in your life, and justify having a good reason to leave your husband.

You can't have it all.

The hardest part of the past is leaving it there. The step that many miss in ending a relationship is realizing that there was, in fact, 'The End'.

It is a slippery slope. Indeed, a slippery slope during a blizzard, that caught you in your slippers and housecoat fetching the morning paper.

I think what has really happened is that you have moved 'The End' up to the status of 'Possible Solution'. You are attempting to re-write history with a sort of Alice in Wonderland theme, where nothing is real.

The only part that is real, in your control, and under your own direction- is you.

My mother used to say, sure he's cute, but you'll be complaining about picking up his socks off the floor, just like the last guy...

To a certain extent she was right. The next guy, either known or unknown, will change your life as you know it, and replace all that was known and secure, forever.

But essentially, you're still going to end up picking up his socks too.

My best advice to you is to stop it. Right now. Don't look back- you've already been there and it didn't work out then, and it won't work out now.

Take a good long look at your husband, his commitment to you, yours to him. The life you have built, the future you plan, and all that you have been through together to build a foundation and actually have success. You have hit a bump in the road that has you thinking things could be better, and you are probably wrong. I say that because your husband sounds like a decent man from what you have said.

Save yourself the heartache of making, possibly, the worst mistake of your life.

Instead, get into marriage counselling so you can refresh and renew all the good stuff, and work through the problems. I refer to this, when there are no serious issues, as 'tweaking'. Just like a car needs a tuneup, so do does a relationship.

One thing at a time, put your marriage first, and see if you can't turn this around.

You think you are in love with your ex because you went out on a date (I don't know what else to call lunch AND DRINKS) with him and got caught up in memories of the past. Memories that now have you in an emotional affair with your ex even if he doesn't know it. You say you love him, if that isn't emotional I don't know what is and you go on to say you get turned on by thoughts of him. I would bet those thoughts don't include paying the bills, washing dishes, putting gas in the car, taking out the trash or a thousand other menial chores a married couple has to deal with on a regular basis.

How did you feel about your marriage before you met up with the ex? How much energy have you put into talking with your husband about what you both want from life and what your future plans are? A marriage is not putting on rings and saying 'I do' then living separate lives in the same house. You have to put effort into keeping things new and the fire burning when life is pouring enough reality on it to dampen the flames or put them out.

Do you try communicating with your husband? Does he know you want a child? Do you know if he does? You need to stop thinking and start asking. Maybe he isn't satisfied too. I don't know. Neither will you unless you talk with him. You might find out that the grass isn't as dead on your side of the fence as you seem to think it is.

Leave the ex alone, and figure out why your not happy at home. Talk to your husband of 6 years, and see what can be done when your honest, and straight about the way you feel.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Leave the ex alone, and figure out why your not happy at home. Talk to your husband of 6 years, and see what can be done when your honest, and straight about the way you feel.

Think of what you stand to lose. This ex isn't going to be all you imagine him to be. Time changes everyone. You're in lust with a memory.

Were you not satisfied with your spouse before or after you met up with the ex? How long have you been meeting up with your ex?
How long was he your ex before you got married?

You've been married 6 years and you are not a child, a hormone driven teen. You are a 35 year old married woman. Act like one.
Stay away from the ex and work on your marriage. If you are not willing to do that, then at least give your husband the option of dumping you or putting up with your foolishness.