I have been married for 4yrs, and this has become an issue for the past year or so. My husbands co-workers and friends like to share pictures via text message of porn they receive from their own network of friends and it can range from cartoon pictures, to soft-core porn, to extremely vulgar XXX pictures and sometimes he receives videos. I don't care for it, and it wouldn't be an issue IF he deleted them as soon as he got them. However, I have found stored images in his phone from time to time of these types of messages. For several months he'd tell me he just wanted a closer look, then after endless nagging he admitted to pleasuring himself to these images. That upsets me, but the part that upsets me the most is that we don't have much intimacy and it's not because I don't want to. I used to think I had a higher sex drive than my husband but now I'm not sure, and he won't even tell me how often he takes care of himself, he says he doesn't keep track. I don't know what to make of all this. There are times where he has turned me down and says he's too tired, and I respect that because he works long hours, he does travel a lot for work so I try to not let it get to me, and I do not have any concerns of infidelity with anything other than his own hand, just to clarify. But I feel I am losing my husband to cell phone porn and I have tried to talk to him about it, I asked him to stop, I've threatened him a few times, and he won't stop regardless what I say or do. I don't know what to do anymore, we have 2 young boys and I'm pregnant with our 3rd child, the oldest is going on 4, and my husband lets him play with his phone. I don't want my son getting into these pictures but he doesn't seem the least bit concerned that my son would be able to find it! Am I overreacting, and where do I go from here? Any advice would be very welcome! I am considering contacting a marriage counselor that we used to see awhile back. He has had many issues in the past that are concerning me, to sum it up he was involved in sex acts with family as a minor said he was molested and brain washed by an elderly man, but I see it a bit differently... and I found him looking at bestiality porn when we were dating to name a few. I am just at a total loss on how to deal with all of this.

Well for a start a simple question to you, would you prefere you husband used his cell phone or another woman? It is perfectly natural for a man to have pornography I am in a relationship that has been over 2 years and I have porn if I am honest I have over 600GB of porn as I just get it when I am away on work or friends swap it it is a normal thing as I have said, I would not worrie about it as long as he is faithfull to you and your family there is nothing to worrie about. As for the intimacy try a nice massage or a time in the tub but mainly don't push the matter as you will make him feel that you don't want him to be himslef. I hope this all helps good luke to you.

Matt x

If it causes you this much concern, you are not overreacting. Porn may be fine when both people in the relationship are OK with it, but it becomes a problem when it is perceived to take the place of real intimacy, or if one partner is really bothered by it. Not to mention the issue of one of the kids getting an eye full when playing with the phone.

The counselor may be a good idea considering his past as well and how that may or may not have an effect on recent behaviour.

What does he actually say when you have discussed how this is upsetting to you and the concerns you have addressed?

Perhaps some sort of compromise can be reached... your son no longer gets to play with the phone, get him a toy one. Hubby makes a conscience effort to be more attentive, even more important in a relationship when he is not even physically around much of the time. You do your best to stop questioning him on his usage of the phone. Both of you see a counselor to help the two of you build a relationship where both of you feel you are getting what you want and need from each other.

I would ask why you are going though his cell phone in the first place. My wife would not even consider picking up my cell phone and looking though it. ( not that she could not if she wanted to)

So you looking is my first issue to "find them" If he is not showing them to you and just looking at them, I see the issue more with your reaction to it.

Now letting child play with phone, that has it in it. Well my reaction would be to take the phone and stomp on it, to 100 pieces and hand it back to husband.

Thanks for you input everyone. To answer the question as to why I started looking at his phone in the first place, I was going through pics in his phone from when he's out of town just to see some things he saw sight-seeing and stumbled across a saved pic of a woman in his phone. At that time I asked him about it and he was avoiding the question not giving me straight answers. So from that point on I would randomly pick it up and see if it was continuing. I don't make a habit of it honestly, I might do it every 3 months or less. And to answer about what he says when I confront him... that's a major problem... he says very little, I do most of the talking, I can't get answers out of him with hardly anything he doesn't seem to communicate well and hates confrontation even just to talk about something that happened he just shuts up like a clam, which is something we went to counseling about and it has improved but many issues that arise he thinks it's best to just not discuss things. Even last night I asked if he was ready to talk to me about it. His reply was, "No, I'm not going to discuss this." I told him when you're ready let me know. I'm trying not to push the issue. And I know looking at porn is very common, I myself look at it from time to time, but not very often. And I don't let it interfere with our love life, as it seems to be interfering with ours. I'm not even sure how often he uses it, he won't discuss it with me, and I find that very odd! I am very open and don't see why he can't talk to me about it. I feel it's because he knows I'll be upset with the answer, which is how it seems to go when we try to talk about other issues, as if that'll make the situation go away. I most definitely don't would prefer the porn to him being with another woman of course, and when he's out of town I don't care, I have told him that, it's just that when he's home I am more than willing which he knows, and don't see why he'd need to turn to text message pics over his wife. I know lots of women turn their husbands down and I could see why those men would resort to porn, but in the 7yrs total we've been together I have done that twice! So that's why I'm trying to make sense of all of this. It seems unhealthy to this extreme. I really have tried to talk about it and understand, to compromise, anything... but he is not willing to work with me, and that just makes the whole situation into something bigger than it should be. I just wonder if he has an addiction problem.

It could be somewhat of an addiction, it could be he is embarrassed about it, it could be he wants to avoid upsetting you or getting into an argument over it.

His burying his head and refusing to discuss it obviously doesn't help.

Perhaps writing to him (avoid accusations, talk in "I" and not "You") about how all of this has been making you feel. How it is vitally important to your marriage that you are able to communicate when one of you is upset by something. Acknowledge that it can be uncomfortable discussing it, and then let him read it on his own. Keep it short and to the point. He can take in what you are saying, think about why this situation is upsetting to you, and hopefully be able to reassure you.

Otherwise you may just have to point blank say, "Look, this is uncomfortable for both of us, but it has become too upsetting to just ignore and hope it goes away. It needs to be dealt with....let me know a time and place so that we can calmly discuss it and work together at making our marriage what we both want it to be." Just an example, but you get the idea.

It is too important to ***** foot around and nothing will change until it is hashed out and resolved.

Does he know that you sometimes look at porn? If you do talk about it, let him know that. Again, try not to be accusatory, focus on working together to improve the communication and the intimacy that you do share. Let him know that you want more time with him, especially since he is gone often.

Or you can do your best to let it go and continue as it is.

Are you talking at him, nagging and confrontational? That will shut a man up really quick and keep you frustrated and as for the intimacy, man that has to be hard with 2 kids already and a third on the way in 4 years of marriage. Explain please if I misread that.

I agree with those kinds of pictures on his phone, your kids shouldn't be allowed to play with it, but I question you taking his porn watching so personally, when you yourself watch it also. That would pizz me off, but I would understand you were pregnant, and may need some extra attentions since he is away for work a lot.

Forget the porn though, please because a guy who works hard for his fast growing family can't be THAT bad, and some simple attempts at communicating better would help you both. A bit of patients get you more than just nagging him to make changes that he might not want to.

I think there is a good chance that things get better after your family situation can settle into a better routine when the kids get a bit older, and more independent. And your NOT pregnant nine months out of a year.

I don't think there is anything wrong watching porn, although I do see a problem when it causes your spouse some concern and you can't talk about it and compromise.
Given the fact that he has had some sexual problems in the past I can understand your concern.

Watch your porn but take care of your wife sexually. If your can't or are not willing to do that, you have a problem.