Hello...
I am sorry this is lengthy... I don't know where to begin...
I have a problem I don't know how to solve. I have had two serious relationships in my life... now three. The first was a girlfriend that I had for two years between 16 and 18. I left her since I realised that I couldn't trust her. I loved her but I left to protect myself from being hurt even worse later on. When I was 19 I met my wife to be. I felt she was safe and secure and that she would never hurt me in any way. She came on to me and I felt initially that I wasn't completely ready but I liked her being there... listening to me... I liked the attention that I was given. I liked her family, I enjoyed being close to her... the warmth she gave me. I realise now that what I loved was the security and comfort she gave me not really her. We graduated from the same high school and after knowing each other for 6-8 months, we started seeing each other, mainly after graduation. Two months after graduation she went away with her parents to Africa for two years. We communicated through letters and the occasional phone call. I always knew deep inside that there was something missing but I could never put my finger on what it was. When she came back from Africa she attended a different university than I. We were roughly 12 hours drive away from each other and we continued our platonic relationship through phone calls and letters. We saw each other one weekend a month. We would talk and have sex and she made me feel safe and warm. 6 months after her return from Africa she got pregnant and I married her shortly after. After marriage we stayed apart, finishing the year at uni, and moved in together in the summer when our first daughter was born. Life began. Life changed and I realised that living with her was different from just seeing her occasionally. I coped and changed, she didn't. I tried to be what she wanted me to be in hope to have more affection and warmth that never came. I took a two year leave from uni to raise our daughter while she finished her studies. We fought hard and lived on nothing for 6 years. She finished her education and 3 years later I graduated from uni with a master in science. We had two more daughters, 3 and 4 years apart. Life went on and I got a well paid job. Things got better, our economy improved and we suddenly found ourself having money to spend on ourselves, not just to get by. We had always struggled with money and somehow this brought us closer. Now, when we had more I thought that things would get better and even closer but she seemed to go in the opposite direction. With more secure economy she began to do more things outside of the family. I took more responsibility at home and she studied more and had more activities outside of the family. One day 7 years ago when I looked through our bills I realised that she had sent more than 200 text messages in one month... only three to me... I realised that something was wrong. Who was she communicating with? When I confronted her she told me that she had spent a lot of time with a friend at her work and that they would send messages to each other now and then. I wanted to know what their relationship was about and she said that it wasn't serious but that she was attracted to him and that she liked his company. They were travelling together at work. Stayed at the same hotels, seeing the same clients but she said that they had never become physical and I believe her. She told me that this man made her feel like a woman... not just like a mother and wife and she needed this to get by. I felt completely crushed. My life crumbled into little pieces and I was wondering how to survive, but she said that she loved me and nobody else. I hated this relationship that my wife had decided that she needed and I couldn't understand how she could feel this need. I had tried to make everything right. She was the one that didn't want to be 'one', not me... and she choose another man to get closer to. I felt that we had to get out of the community where were living and I got another job far away... I got a job in the uk and the family came along. We started anew and things were getting better. A year into my new job I went to a conference where I met a few of my new co-workers. From the first glance... even if I never believed that this could happen... I fell in love with this woman instantly. We talked about life... I had a lot to tell and she gave me a lot of advice. I didn't take our relatioinship that seriously at first. I thought it was a reaction to what had happened before but as time went on I realised that she had everything I truly needed. She apparently felt the same. We talked a lot over the phone and we shared pieces of life. We have met twice a year since then and already on our second meeting we turned physical. Sex was amazing, nothing I ever experienced before and even if I feel bad about being unfaithful (the unfaithul bastard is me) I can't help wanting her. She got a divorce and she tells me that I have to come to her now. I know I would be happy with this woman. We carry the same heart and soul and the same physical need. We think the same, we are the same. I realise that this woman is the love of my life. I have never felt anything for anyone as much as I feel for her but I still hesitate. Coming to her would mean that I have to leave my family. I would have to live in a country far away (6 hours difference) and not see my daughters more than a few hours a year. The family I have helped to raise is working just now... we have struggled and fought but we have always got by. We have three wonderful daughters that do well. My oldest daughter is 19, my youngest 12, they need me. I am very close to my daughters and I am so afraid to loose them. Moving away would mean that I wouldn't see them and I think that I need them as much, or even more, than what they need me. I am afraid to break this marriage even if I know that this is right for me. The love of my life can't move since she has two very young sons that needs her. I can't ask this from her. My girls are much older and I assume that they would get by OK... but can I survive without them? I want to follow my heart but I am so afraid. Please help.

Jupi,

First, please know, I do not judge you, that is not my place to do so.

Next, the type of love that you and this other women share, is a selfish love. This new soulmate of yours, if she truly loved you in an unselfish manner, she, in no way, would ever, want you to leave your children. Wouldn't you agree? You need to slow the whirlwind, that you created, down and fast. Take a peak out reality. For what you are going through, right now, is not reality.

Those children, that are your heart, guess who gave those precious gifts to you? Your wife.

Jupi, a person that truly loves you, would never want nor expect you to turn your life upsdie down and inside out, for their own selfish needs. You said it yourself, you would not separate this other women from her children.

My advice? End this unrealistic, false, hurtful, damagaing, deceitful relationship, with this other women.

Next, sit your wife down, and with a sincere heart, request that the both of you enter Marriage Concelling.

Dr. Phil once said, there is one thing, that people who enter a relationship, that you and this women have, know about each other for sure, and that is, you both can not be trusted.
Doesn't give you a warm and fuzzy does it.

There may be areas in your marriage that you feel are empty. If you think that
A permanent relationship with this other women will be free from problems, think again, plus, you will have the added difficuties, of knowing in your heart, you and this other women destroyed, people, that are near and dear to your heart.

It is time to end this relationship and get into marriage counseling.

Sit back and think... and repeat it to yourself several times, this other women, is willing and wants you to leave, hurt and destroy the hearts of your children. When you feel weak and feel you can not possilbe think of life without this other women, repeat those words again. She is willing, because of her selfishness and yours, to destroy the hearts of your children and family.

Here is your To Do List:

1) End this false relationship

2) Repair the damage done to your family. The ones, that have been with you, by your side, and would never ask of you the things this other women is asking you to do.

jupi, it is a difficult situation that you are in. If you follow your heart, you may lose your family. If you don't follow your heart, you may lose the love of your life. It is so difficult finding true love in this world. And it is even more difficult if you are about to hurt those that you love due to it. Now, some may call you names, which won't help you at all here. I suppose you realized this by your comment "cheater". Maybe you should get some counseling about it? Maybe someone who can look at your emotions from outside the picture, help you and support you? You married young. And sometimes feelings change and or get in a marital slump. You know the risks. You could single handedly isolate yourself from all that you love and hold dear by acting on this impulse. So please be careful and take time to think this out- completely. If she really is the love of your life, she will wait for you to make the best decision for you. And will accept whatever the outcome, as well. If you really love someone, you are able to give them what they need to achieve joy and happiness in their life in spite of the possibilities of losing that person in your life. A sacrifice for love, in my opinion. Some have to sacrifice love in order to promote well being. Will you end up resenting this woman, if you do leave your family and your family isolates you because of it. Never to forgive you for leaving, etc? Will your children pay the price for not having their father in their lives? Will your wife suffer not only rejection and financial depreviation of what she is used to, but become bitter and angry? Probably. I know I would. It would be a normal reaction. The best scenario would be that your wife, feels the same. Since she has had an extramartial relationship previously. People change in any relationship. Sometimes, even the best intentions things don't work out. People find love and comfort from someone other than their spouse. What makes a marriage work in my opinion is to be able to get back to the place of love that the both of you shared together to begin with. If you are unable, then it maybe time to move on. If you are going to resent your family due to these feelings for this other woman and harbor disappointment, it will not make anyone in the family feel stable and or happy. Therefore, it is important to receive counseling to help you get through this time of uncertainty. Only you can make the decision to stay or leave. I believe leaving may be harder for you in the end. And you may regret it in the long haul. Either way, you are about to make a difficult sacrifice. It is my hope that you find the right direction and answers within your heart and not regret those decisions 2-5-20 years from now.

I told my wife about the 'other woman' (let's call her C) early on... I told her before the relationship became physical. She thought it probably was good for me to talk to somebody else so I continued. However, I lied later... I lied when things turned physical and I hate myself for this. Even if I wanted this woman early on, I didn't push for this physical relationship. I even said that we had to wait. After the first time we had sex I felt extreme guilt and I told myself to never do this again. C went on separating from her husband and she expected me to go the same route to be with her. I couldn't move this quickly. Yes, I do love her... Yes, I feel that I would be happy with her... but I do CARE for my wife and my children. I can't leave them. They need me and I need them still. I have said that I am not ready to make this move. This fall I told my wife that I had an affair with C. I told her that I have slept with C and that she wanted me to come to her. After counseling she still says that she wants me to stay and work things out and I have told her that I would be more happy living with C and that I am still considering this option. C has given me an ultimatum, "come to me within 6 months" or she will give up on me.

I love C. She attracts me in a way that I never felt before. She is complete to me. What I get from C is more than I ever thought being worthy of. She respects me. She wants me. She makes me feel like a better man. My wife never did. With her, I have always felt that I am not completely good enough, that I have to improve and change. For 20 years I have tried to be this 'perfect partner' and I have realised that I won't ever be. There will always be something that isn't right. I will not ever be able to completely satisfy her. She is a perfectionist and very 'black and white'. Whatever she thinks is right is 'right', nothing else. With her I feel constrained and always thinking about what she wants and what I can do to make things right. I can't be myself... or I feel that if I am myself and do the things I want I won't be good enough. I am not attracted to my wife the way that I am attracted to C. C is to me the perfect woman. She want the same things as I do but I know that life with her won't be perfect... no relationships are... but I know that I would be 'good enough' and that life would be less demanding on me. I.e. could be myself... I could just 'be' and that would be good enough.

There is another complication to all of this. C is a mayor shareholder in the company I work for. She could have me sacked in notime. If I wouldn't come to her in 6 months I will have to leave my job and look for something else.

Did you ever tell C that you were going to leave your wife?

I understand the whole thing about how you describe your wife. My mom is the same way and it seems that anything my dad ever did, it was never good enough. I would've bet $100 when I was younger that my parents would divorce after I graduated high school. I felt my mom treated my dad poorly! She would over and over again treat him like a little kid! I have been out of school for some time now and I talked to my dad just a few years ago about it and he says that he loves mom. He knows that is the way she is but that he married her and that he loves her even more because she gave him some wonderful kids and that there is no other love like that!

Hands down I would never choose the opposite sex over my kids! I would be crushed not being able to see them! (I do have a daughter so I know the feeling of the love of a child.)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jupi

There is another complication to all of this. C is a mayor shareholder in the company I work for. She could have me sacked in notime. If I wouldn't come to her in 6 months I will have to leave my job and look for something else.

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Maybe looking for another job would be best! (Third time is a charm!)

Jupi-That you have chosen to endanger the well being of your family because of the your selfish needs Is highly despicable and you face the consequences of your actions. Don't you think its far better to leave everyone alone or do you expect sympathy for your plight. Sorry you get none here and the only question is are you man enough to correct your mistakes or are you the worm that takes the easy way out.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jupi

I have a problem I don't know how to solve.

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Calling it a problem seems to imply that it must have a solution. But your situation isn't really a problem and it doesn't really have a solution.

Here's what I mean: We all have limited freedom of choice, meaning that we have the ability to choose some (but not all) of the boundaries and constraints that we live within. One of the constraints we don't have a choice about is whether to live in a world where time stands still or goes backward. You can stop doing one thing and start doing something else, but you can't undo what you already did, and the consequences of past choices have a reality of their own that forms part of the limits that constrain present choices.

So, if you could turn back the calendar twenty years and meet your new love before you married your wife and had your daughters, you'd have a problem. As it is, you don't have a problem, you have a moral dilemma. You can choose to act as if the limitations imposed by your past choices don't exist, but they do exist, and because of that you will cause great damage to those you love if you ignore them. That damage to others is what makes it a moral issue and not just a "problem" in need of a solution.

I'm not altogether unsympathetic to your plight, since I've also been married for twenty years to a woman who's not my soul mate or "perfect other". You can read about it here if you're interested. http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriag...acy-38490.html
I do feel fortunate not to have found someone who seems to fit that perfect ideal template, because I'm sure that would make it much harder to do the right thing. I'm also sure that it wouldn't change what the right thing is.

Oh Ordinary, I had to spread it.

But Wow... perfectly put. With understanding, compassion and just a well rounded answer that gives such a clearer view of the whole situation.

Well Done!

Ordinary, since all the cards have been on the table for quite sometime. And your wife is aware of your feelings and intentions I don't see why you are tormenting yourself? If you love this woman, and you have no love for your wife- I believe resentment will ensue if you stay. Or a quiet desperation, which may eat you alive inside. Which will only cause a vicious cycle in your present relationship to grow and prosper. You will have repercusions for your behavior no matter what. Either way, you can't win. There is no easy solution. So why not try to find happiness if this is the case? Or do you plan to be miserable for the next 20 years as well? All I know is if in the unfortunate event my husband stopped loving me, has an affair and told me he wanted out of the marriage, I would love him enough to let him go. Don't get me wrong, I would fight for dear life to try to salvage the marriage and the relationship. It would break my heart, but in the long run I would be free myself from someone who no longer loved me and potentially resented me for wanting to stay in a one sided, non-committed, and loveless relationship. I would not make him stay if he didn't want to. Nobody can make you do something you don't want to, anyway. You have the freedom to leave at anytime. Please remember that. You always have a choice. Whether it is leaving now or later. My belief is, if it shoe doesn't fit, it will give you sores if you wear them anyway. Then you eventually will be walking around limping. The question is, how much do you want to limp? Plus, sores can be very painful if not taken care of. Painful enough to eventually to develop infection and subsequent gangrene if you keep wearing them and don't remedy the wounds. Or you can go to the shoemaker and hopefully get help and support, so you can continue to wear those expensive shoes. In either situation you choose, you will need counseling by a professional for help and support. Just remember, you always have a choice. Like the song says, "Should I stay or should I go now." I am trying to be realistic here as possible. But if it was me and I was your wife, I would be devastated. I would do everything possible to keep you, love you and help keep my family together. But if in the end, my quest for an intact marriage was only one sided. I would let you go, with love and hope that you someday find what I was unable to provide for you. But you run the risk of losing something precious. That once all is done, you may never get back. And regret can be horrible to live with. Sometimes, we don't know how well we have it, until its gone.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jupi

Hello...
I am sorry this is lengthy... i don't know where to begin...
I have a problem I don't know how to solve. I have had two serious relationships in my life... now three. The first was a girlfriend that I had for two years between 16 and 18. I left her since i realised that i couldn't trust her. I loved her but i left to protect myself from being hurt even worse later on. When i was 19 i met my wife to be. I felt she was safe and secure and that she would never hurt me in any way. She came on to me and i felt initially that i wasn't completely ready but i liked her being there... listening to me... i liked the attention that i was given. I liked her family, i enjoyed being close to her... the warmth she gave me. I realise now that what i loved was the security and comfort she gave me not really her. We graduated from the same high school and after knowing each other for 6-8 months, we started seeing each other, mainly after graduation. Two months after graduation she went away with her parents to Africa for two years. We communicated through letters and the occassional phone call. i always knew deep inside that there was something missing but i could never put my finger on what it was. When she came back from Africa she attended a different university than I. We were roughly 12 hours drive away from each other and we continued our platonic relationship through phone calls and letters. We saw each other one weekend a month. We would talk and have sex and she made me feel safe and warm. 6 months after her return from Africa she got pregnant and I married her shortly after. After marriage we stayed apart, finishing the year at uni, and moved in together in the summer when our first daughter was born. Life began. Life changed and i realised that living with her was different from just seeing her occassionally. I coped and changed, she didn't. I tried to be what she wanted me to be in hope to have more affection and warmth that never came. I took a two year leave from uni to raise our daughter while she finished her studies. We fought hard and lived on nothing for 6 years. She finished her education and 3 years later I graduated from uni with a master in science. We had two more daughters, 3 and 4 years apart. Life went on and I got a well paid job. Things got better, our economy improved and we suddenly found ourself having money to spend on ourselves, not just to get by. We had always struggled with money and somehow this brought us closer. Now, when we had more I thought that things would get better and even closer but she seemed to go in the opposite direction. With more secure economy she began to do more things outside of the family. I took more responsibility at home and she studied more and had more activities outside of the family. One day 7 years ago when i looked through our bills i realised that she had sent more than 200 text messages in one month... only three to me... i realised that something was wrong. Who was she communicating with? When i confronted her she told me that she had spent a lot of time with a friend at her work and that they would send messages to each other now and then. I wanted to know what their relationship was about and she said that it wasn't serious but that she was attracted to him and that she liked his company. They were travelling together at work. Stayed at the same hotels, seeing the same clients but she said that they had never become physical and i believe her. She told me that this man made her feel like a woman... not just like a mother and wife and she needed this to get by. I felt completely crushed. My life crumbled into little pieces and I was wondering how to survive, but she said that she loved me and nobody else. I hated this relationship that my wife had decided that she needed and I couldn't understand how she could feel this need. I had tried to make everything right. She was the one that didn't want to be 'one', not me... and she choose another man to get closer to. I felt that we had to get out of the community where were living and i got another job far away... I got a job in the uk and the family came along. We started anew and things were getting better. A year into my new job I went to a conference where i met a few of my new co-workers. From the first glance... even if i never believed that this could happen... i fell in love with this woman instantly. We talked about life... i had a lot to tell and she gave me a lot of advice. I didn't take our relatioinship that seriously at first. I thought it was a reaction to what had happened before but as time went on I realised that she had everything I truly needed. She apparently felt the same. We talked alot over the phone and we shared pieces of life. We have met twice a year since then and already on our second meeting we turned physical. Sex was amazing, nothing i ever experienced before and even if I feel bad about being unfaithful (the unfaithul bastard is me) I can't help wanting her. She got a divorce and she tells me that i have to come to her now. I know i would be happy with this woman. We carry the same heart and soul and the same physical need. We think the same, we are the same. I realise that this woman is the love of my life. I have never felt anything for anyone as much as i feel for her but i still hesitate. Coming to her would mean that I have to leave my family. I would have to live in a country far away (6 hours difference) and not see my daughters more than a few hours a year. The family I have helped to raise is working just now... we have struggled and fought but we have always got by. We have three wonderful daughters that do well. My oldest daughter is 19, my youngest 12, they need me. I am very close to my daughters and i am so afraid to loose them. Moving away would mean that i wouldn't see them and I think that i need them as much, or even more, than what they need me. I am afraid to break this marriage even if I know that this is right for me. The love of my life can't move since she has two very young sons that needs her. I can't ask this from her. My girls are much older and I assume that they would get by ok... but can I survive without them? I want to follow my heart but I am so afraid. Please help.

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hi
If I were you I would first come out. Meaning tell your wife you cheated. Second you need to follow you heart. If it says leave and be with another women then do it. You need to be happy. Life is meant for happiness. I am a child who's parents had been divorced. My mom fell in love with a coworker. She lives 30 min away from us. I was hurt at first we all were. But see it as this after your girls are gone and married. Do you see yourself happy with your wife. You have to be truthful to yourself. If you decide to leave your wife you must know it is going to be very hard. Your daughters may hate you. They may not talk to you. So is that a risk your willing to make. Be honest to your wife in kids. If you decide to stay with your wife. Then you must not see or be with the other women. Sweety you have already broke your vowels. Follow your heart. I hope this helps you. I hope you understand what I am saying. Good luck and Merry Christmas

Wow, that is quite the dilemma. Obviously no one can give you the right answer. What I would recommend for you to do would be to write two essays. One of what you think life would be like leaving your family for this woman, including how it would be for you and for the ones you are leaving behind. And the 2nd essay about how life would be like if you stay. Also, there may be other options... if you are at a point where you would leave your wife if this woman were close then maybe you need to reevaluate that relationship regardless. Also, it seems to me that you have been the primary parent of your children time and time again. You may want to consider the ways in which they may need you. Also, meeting this woman twice a year... is that enough to recognize th elove of your life? If you have spent your whole life settling any connection or excitement may be misinterpreted as love... not that it is not possible. I just wouldn't want you to change your life and set yourself up to possibly be dissapointed. You my friend have many things to consider. Regardless of what you decide though you need to be honest about what you have done. I wish you happiness and a good future.

Crystal

If you think this woman would harm you for not giving in to her than this is obviously not a situation of love. I would walk away.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jupi

Hello...
I am sorry this is lengthy... i don't know where to begin...
I have a problem I don't know how to solve. I have had two serious relationships in my life... now three. The first was a girlfriend that I had for two years between 16 and 18. I left her since i realised that i couldn't trust her. I loved her but i left to protect myself from being hurt even worse later on. When i was 19 i met my wife to be. I felt she was safe and secure and that she would never hurt me in any way. She came on to me and i felt initially that i wasn't completely ready but i liked her being there... listening to me... i liked the attention that i was given. I liked her family, i enjoyed being close to her... the warmth she gave me. I realise now that what i loved was the security and comfort she gave me not really her. We graduated from the same high school and after knowing each other for 6-8 months, we started seeing each other, mainly after graduation. Two months after graduation she went away with her parents to Africa for two years. We communicated through letters and the occassional phone call. i always knew deep inside that there was something missing but i could never put my finger on what it was. When she came back from Africa she attended a different university than I. We were roughly 12 hours drive away from each other and we continued our platonic relationship through phone calls and letters. We saw each other one weekend a month. We would talk and have sex and she made me feel safe and warm. 6 months after her return from Africa she got pregnant and I married her shortly after. After marriage we stayed apart, finishing the year at uni, and moved in together in the summer when our first daughter was born. Life began. Life changed and i realised that living with her was different from just seeing her occassionally. I coped and changed, she didn't. I tried to be what she wanted me to be in hope to have more affection and warmth that never came. I took a two year leave from uni to raise our daughter while she finished her studies. We fought hard and lived on nothing for 6 years. She finished her education and 3 years later I graduated from uni with a master in science. We had two more daughters, 3 and 4 years apart. Life went on and I got a well paid job. Things got better, our economy improved and we suddenly found ourself having money to spend on ourselves, not just to get by. We had always struggled with money and somehow this brought us closer. Now, when we had more I thought that things would get better and even closer but she seemed to go in the opposite direction. With more secure economy she began to do more things outside of the family. I took more responsibility at home and she studied more and had more activities outside of the family. One day 7 years ago when i looked through our bills i realised that she had sent more than 200 text messages in one month... only three to me... i realised that something was wrong. Who was she communicating with? When i confronted her she told me that she had spent a lot of time with a friend at her work and that they would send messages to each other now and then. I wanted to know what their relationship was about and she said that it wasn't serious but that she was attracted to him and that she liked his company. They were travelling together at work. Stayed at the same hotels, seeing the same clients but she said that they had never become physical and i believe her. She told me that this man made her feel like a woman... not just like a mother and wife and she needed this to get by. I felt completely crushed. My life crumbled into little pieces and I was wondering how to survive, but she said that she loved me and nobody else. I hated this relationship that my wife had decided that she needed and I couldn't understand how she could feel this need. I had tried to make everything right. She was the one that didn't want to be 'one', not me... and she choose another man to get closer to. I felt that we had to get out of the community where were living and i got another job far away... I got a job in the uk and the family came along. We started anew and things were getting better. A year into my new job I went to a conference where i met a few of my new co-workers. From the first glance... even if i never believed that this could happen... i fell in love with this woman instantly. We talked about life... i had a lot to tell and she gave me a lot of advice. I didn't take our relatioinship that seriously at first. I thought it was a reaction to what had happened before but as time went on I realised that she had everything I truly needed. She apparently felt the same. We talked alot over the phone and we shared pieces of life. We have met twice a year since then and already on our second meeting we turned physical. Sex was amazing, nothing i ever experienced before and even if I feel bad about being unfaithful (the unfaithul bastard is me) I can't help wanting her. She got a divorce and she tells me that i have to come to her now. I know i would be happy with this woman. We carry the same heart and soul and the same physical need. We think the same, we are the same. I realise that this woman is the love of my life. I have never felt anything for anyone as much as i feel for her but i still hesitate. Coming to her would mean that I have to leave my family. I would have to live in a country far away (6 hours difference) and not see my daughters more than a few hours a year. The family I have helped to raise is working just now... we have struggled and fought but we have always got by. We have three wonderful daughters that do well. My oldest daughter is 19, my youngest 12, they need me. I am very close to my daughters and i am so afraid to loose them. Moving away would mean that i wouldn't see them and I think that i need them as much, or even more, than what they need me. I am afraid to break this marriage even if I know that this is right for me. The love of my life can't move since she has two very young sons that needs her. I can't ask this from her. My girls are much older and I assume that they would get by ok... but can I survive without them? I want to follow my heart but I am so afraid. Please help.

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jupi, I empathize with you. 4 skills that can help. We've been through an affair too and our relationship is now better than ever. We teach skills that can enable you and your partner to rebuild your relationship. We are married and do workshops for LGBT couples as well as opposite sex couples. We have done this for 11 years with--hard to believe but true--100% success. The skills in our workshop:

# Each person being fully heard
# Let go of grievances without saying wrongs are OK
# Your own plan for what will/will not be allowed
# Being for the best your partner & yourself

My wife Elizabeth Loyd and I -married 50 yrs-live in Flat Rock, NC In the Blue Ridge Mountains. Ken Kinnett