Ask Me Help Desk - Problem (?) Ex

My boyfriend has broken up with his exgf for 6 months now. She still contacts him occasionally via phone/IM/email and he still answers her. It bothers me. I feel very insecure about this ex because she really hurt him, which means to me that he really loved her.

It bothers me that she still contacts him, although (according to him) the conversations are usually very short because he keeps it that way. He said that he wishes she wouldn't contact him. If so, I don't know why he still responds to her?

I told him before that I feel insecure about it and he assured me that he doesn't want to go back to her , etc. etc... My question is, why does he have to answer her phone call? She calls to ask him for advice or whatever... Is she going to keep him as someone to go to when she has questions?

I am so confused about how to feel and what to do. On one hand, I don't want to have to tell him what to do just because I don't like it. On the other, if I don't say anything, he'll just continue to answer her every time she contacts him. How long will this last? When will she stop?

I wish she would just disappear from his life... Is it wrong to feel that way?

He answers because she calls, you seem to be talking and blaming the wrong person,

She is calling him, not him calling her from what you seem to say here,

So what does she say when you ask her why she is calling him, What does she say when you ask her not to call him ?

So you seem to be blaming this poor guy who is just answering his phone when someone he knows calls.

You need to put the problem where it belongs , with HER and talk to HER about it, and ask HER to stop calling him.

I agree with Chuck. He is right, he is most likely trying to avoid further problems with her. He could be just a nice guy and don't like turning people away, what if it was really important? What if she was highly depressed and considered suicide if she had no one to talk to. These are just some things that everyone should consider, ex girlfriend/boyfriend or not.

Believe your boyfriend when he tells you that you have nothing to worry about. If he wanted her back, he would have gotten back with her by now.

It's a big red flag when ex's still have to contact each other, and if you don't like it, you have every right to confront your b/f about it. If he still does it, the action that comes next is up to you, and how you feel about it. Its on you.

No, you're not wrong to feel the way you do. In fact I wouldn't even tolerate it. I'd advise you to tell him that you're going on a break "to give him a chance to completely get over his ex, because you don't want to be second fiddle." That'll either 1.) light a fire under him so that the contact between him and his ex stops or 2.) bring forth his true colors, in which case you'll have been very fortunate to find out when you did and in the manner in which you did.

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Originally Posted by Blueberries

My bf has broken up with his exgf for 6 months now.

So just how long have you been going out with him?

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Originally Posted by Blueberries

She still contacts him occasionally via phone/IM/email and he still answers her.

Why?

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Originally Posted by Blueberries

It bothers me.

It probably should.

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Originally Posted by Blueberries

I feel very insecure about this ex because she really hurt him, which means to me that he really loved her.

Actually I think what your feel insecure about is you. You think that since this contact is still happening there’s a chance that he still has unresolved feelings for her and will leave you for her. That is where your insecurities come from.

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Originally Posted by Blueberries

It bothers me that she still contacts him, although (according to him) the conversations are usually very short because he keeps it that way. He said that he wishes she wouldn't contact him. If so, I don't know why he still responds to her?

I couldn’t agree more. She broke his heart and he still talks to her? Why? He’s got unresolved feelings for her, which you already know.

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Originally Posted by Blueberries

I told him before that I feel insecure about it and he assured me that he doesn't want to go back to her and etc. etc...

Yada Yada Yada, you know it that he’s just feeding you a line. I can tell and I think you realize it as well. He hasn’t gotten over her.

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Originally Posted by Blueberries

My question is, why does he have to answer her phone call?

That’s a great question. I think you and I both know the answer. The relationship is over between those two but not the emotional connection, at least from your boyfriends view.

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Originally Posted by Blueberries

She calls to ask him for advice or whatever... Is she going to keep him as someone to go to when she has questions?

Yeah

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Originally Posted by Blueberries

I am so confused about how to feel and what to do. On one hand, I don't want to have to tell him what to do just because I don't like it. On the other, if I don't say anything, he'll just continue to answer her every time she contacts him. How long will this last? When will she stop?

Well I agree with you. You’ve got to say something. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying ex’s can’t be friends but if she really hurt him then he has no reason to continue talking with her unless he’s hoping something works out in the end.

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Originally Posted by Blueberries

I wish she would just disappear from his life..... Is it wrong to feel that way?

No it is not wrong for you to feel that way, and in fact I think your feelings are quite accurate and your gut is telling you this for good reason. Follow you instinct.

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Originally Posted by Blueberries

My bf has broken up with his exgf for 6 months now. She still contacts him occasionally via phone/IM/email and he still answers her. It bothers me. I feel very insecure about this ex because she really hurt him, which means to me that he really loved her.

It bothers me that she still contacts him, although (according to him) the conversations are usually very short because he keeps it that way. He said that he wishes she wouldn't contact him. If so, I don't know why he still responds to her?

I told him before that I feel insecure about it and he assured me that he doesn't want to go back to her and etc. etc... My question is, why does he have to answer her phone call? She calls to ask him for advice or whatever... Is she going to keep him as someone to go to when she has questions?

I am so confused about how to feel and what to do. On one hand, I don't want to have to tell him what to do just because I don't like it. On the other, if I don't say anything, he'll just continue to answer her every time she contacts him. How long will this last? When will she stop?

I wish she would just disappear from his life..... Is it wrong to feel that way?

Its rude and disrespectful to you when he is investing or wasting any of his time with an ex girlfriend. He should be telling her :dont call. If its over, then he should be acting like it. Its not fair to you and your feelings does matter. He wouldn't appreciate you talking to a ex in front of him.This is like leading a person on in hopes of getting back together. What is the sense. If they pass each other in a store or while going down the road then be civil and waive but the phone calling is for what. If she is suicidal then she needs help and he isn't a counselor, or Psychologist. If she wants him back and she knows that he is dating you, that sure isn't making her feel better. Why can't he just ignore her calls so she will have to deal with the matter. Start answering his phone if you are close by. Get her number and say you don't appreciate her distrupting your relationship. Its rude.

Sorry for the late reply to all of your responses.. I have been trying to deal with this problem and I am about to ram my head into the wall.

I can't get to her calls. She calls him on his cell phone. I have no access to it. I can't control what she does, but at least I hope my boyfriend would respect me and do something about it, knowing that it bothers me this much. He does know it bothers me this much, and said that he would tell her that he's got someone else next time she calls, but he made sound like I am asking him to be mean to her when he doesn't want to. :confused:

To answer and reply to some of your questions/comments, my boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months now and we have a long distance relationship. Do I really need to take a break from him so he would handle it? She doesn't call that often, and he doesn't contact her. I feel resent him for the way he handled her since their breakup (mainly because he neglected to tell her that he has someone else now) and he resents me now for keeping bringing the past up. He told me that he doesn't want her back and I am the only person on his mind, why keep on bringing her back. He said he handled the breakup separate from our relationship, because they are two separate issues. I don't see how that's possible. That's our major disagreement there.

I think my boyfriend is very very very naïve about things. I really don't see why a person would even allow an ex who treated him that way to call. When I asked him that, his response was, "It could've been worse.", as if what she did wasn't THAT bad..? I don't know. If a boyfriend treats me like dirt, makes me feel like I am worthless, cheated on me, kicked me out of the house, commanded me like a servant, I'd be furious and hurt and NOT want to even hear her name, let alone answering her phone calls, ets.

He told me that he did try to not answering her phone call, but then she started to call his friends and his parents asking how to reach him. He didn't want her to get them involved so he decided he had no choice but to answer her calls.

She hasn't called that often, but she still does. I am 100% sure that she'll call again sometime this month or next month, guaranteed. She doesn't seem to get the message, and my boyfriend, in my opinion, is being too passive about it. He does tell her he doesn't want to hear from her, yet she keeps on calling.

I am so frustrated. I don't like how he handles things, and he doesn't see why I don't see that he has no interest in her, and he feels he doesn't have to be a "total jerk" to her by telling her that he has a girlfriend and stop calling him. I feel that with a girl like that, you need to be more stern than to a normal person to make her get the message. She sure isn't getting the message - she's definitely call again, no matter what he says (that she is getting the message pfft).

I feel so petty for having to tell him to stop entertaining her calls. She doesn't call all that often, but stilll... With our history, I really feel the need to have her out of his life...

I need him to change his attitude. He needs to protect me and our relationship more. He needs to realize that she was a crappy girlfriend and he should not just let her walk all over her again, especially when I am in the picture now.

Ugh... Am I being pathetic?

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Originally Posted by Blueberries

Sorry for the late reply to all of your responses.. I have been trying to deal with this problem and I am about to ram my head into the wall.

In other words he’s not worth the problem.

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Originally Posted by Blueberries

I can't get to her calls. She calls him on his cell phone. I have no access to it. I can't control what she does, but at least I hope my bf would respect me and do something about it, knowing that it bothers me this much. He does know it bothers me this much, and said that he would tell her that he's got someone else next time she calls, but he made sound like I am asking him to be mean to her when he doesn't want to. :confused:

A month ago when you were hear the problem was he had not got over her. Now the problem is he has not got over her. Oh nothings changed.

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Originally Posted by Blueberries

To answer and reply to some of your questions/comments, my bf and I have been together for 6 months

You’re a rebound. That’s all you are.

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Originally Posted by Blueberries

now and we have a long distance relationship.

Good grief. You’re a rebound that’s conveniently not even there.

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Originally Posted by Blueberries

Do I really need to take a break from him so he would handle it?

Yes. Let’s get real this relationship isn’t going to last period.

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Originally Posted by Blueberries

She doesn't call that often, and he doesn't contact her. I feel resent him for the way he handled her since their breakup (mainly b/c he neglected to tell her that he has someone else now) and he resents me now for keeping bringing the past up. He told me that he doesn't want her back and I am the only person on his mind, why keep on bringing her back. He said he handled the breakup separate from our relationship, b/c they are two separate issues. I don't see how that's possible.

You mean because you’re the rebound?

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Originally Posted by Blueberries

I think my bf is very very very naive about things.

I think he isn’t the only one.

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Originally Posted by Blueberries

I really don't see why a person would even allow an ex who treated him that way to call. When I asked him that, his response was, "It could've been worse.", as if what she did wasn't THAT bad...?? I don't know. If a bf treats me like dirt, makes me feel like I am worthless, cheated on me, kicked me out of the house, commanded me like a servant, I'd be furious and hurt and NOT want to even hear her name, let alone answering her phone calls, ets.

What if your boyfriend was the kind of person who put up with that stuff and then never emotionally left it but instead brought it into a new relationship that was a rebound. How would you feel then?

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Originally Posted by Blueberries

He told me that he did try to not answering her phone call, but then she started to call his friends and his parents asking how to reach him. He didn't want her to get them involved so he decided he had no choice but to answer her calls.

And when did you decide to become a part of all this?

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Originally Posted by Blueberries

She hasn't called that often, but she still does. I am 100% sure that she'll call again sometime this month or next month, guaranteed. She doesn't seem to get the message, and my bf, in my opinion, is being too passive about it. He does tell her he doesn't want to hear from her, yet she keeps on calling.

It’s like she doesn’t step back and take a look at the bigger picture of what’s really going on. Do you know anybody else like that.

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Originally Posted by Blueberries

I am so frustrated. I don't like how he handles things, and he doesn't see why I don't see that he has no interest in her, and he feels he doesn't have to be a "total jerk" to her by telling her that he has a gf and stop calling him. I feel that with a girl like that, you need to be more stern than to a normal person to make her get the message. She sure isn't getting the message - she's definitely call again, no matter what he says (that she is getting the message pfft).

She’s not the only one that doesn’t get the message.

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Originally Posted by Blueberries

I feel so petty for having to tell him to stop entertaining her calls. She doesn't call all that often, but stilll...... With our history, I really feel the need to have her out of his life...

Yeah it must be terrible. I can’t imagine being in a relationship with another couple.

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Originally Posted by Blueberries

I need him to change his attitude. He needs to protect me and our relationship more. He needs to realize that she was a crappy gf and he should not just let her walk all over her again, especially when I am in the picture now.

Ugh... Am I being pathetic?

Yep.

You’re the rebound. And you don’t even live near him. You were here a month ago and you had the same problem. Nothing’s changed. So since nothing’s going to change are you going to stay attached to the drama or continue facing this problem.

Blue - you need to talk with him.

I agree with ALL the answers above.

This isn't right - he needs to ignore his ex... or, I like the idea of the break. This is pulling the two for you apart.

Even if she calls less than once per month?

At this early stage of this relationship you have too many problems and the truth is that neither of you is ready for any kind of relationship. He hasn't gotten over his ex that's obvious, and you are moving too fast and investing too much of yourself for this to work in my opinion. Back off and take a more objective look at what's happening here and for your own good decide if this is worth all the hassles.

Great answer Tal.

I agree - pull back a little. Some times a little space will help you see things more clearly. It doesn't mean not talking - but you really need to see where this is going.

I advise not using the work 'break' - just less contact. Not seeing him for a week or two. A couplke weeks is nothing.

THEN you'll see IF he is leading you on or is sincere.

No you are not wrong. And how would he like it if you kept in contact with you exes.

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Originally Posted by Blueberries

I am about to ram my head into the wall.

we have a long distance relationship.

I am so frustrated.

I feel so petty for having to tell him to stop entertaining her calls. She doesn't call all that often, but stilll...... With our history, I really feel the need to have her out of his life...

I need him to change his attitude. He needs to protect me and our relationship more. He needs to realize that she was a crappy gf and he should not just let her walk all over her again, especially when I am in the picture now.

Ugh... Am I being pathetic?

Yes, you're being both petty and pathetic. You're frustrated because you think the solution is for him to change the way he's handling it and do it your way instead. Honestly, I don't think you have the right to dictate anything about how he acts toward his ex or anything else. You've only been together six months, since right after they broke up, so Chuff's right, you're a rebound, and a long distance one at that. He may be a fool for letting her contact him, but as you say, she doesn't do it often, and anyway, it's his problem, not yours. Except you insist on making it your problem by making a big deal out of it. Somehow, I have a feeling that if it wasn't this, it would be something else you'd be frustrated with and trying to change about him. I'd say either get over it and quit pestering him about it, or beat it on down the line and find somebody else to remodel.

The major problem lies in the fact that you say he has been broken up with his ex for 6 months now and you say you have been together for 6 months.

This means he went straight from a loving and serious relationship to you.

Sorry to say but you are a rebound and rebounds very rarely work!

Id be getting out of this relationship if I were you.

Read all the toher stories here where people jump from relationship to relationship. They NEVER work. NEVER.

You are a rebound and this won't work!

Sorry!