Some of you know my life story...

Dads in a wheel chair and just this year been put into a nursing home. I live with my mum and she's gone for holidays for 6 weeks. So while my mum has gone I have to look after my dad. As in take him in money when he needs it and his muslei bars and cakes for him to snack on.

This isn't a big problem I don't mind taking them in except I dislike my dad. Yes he is my dad and I should love him as he gave me life. But I don't like being near him.

This is all because when we had him living at home he was a horible person to live with. He demanded a cup of tea every 2 hours and if you didn't jump up when he asked he got the cranks. He would get cranky at the drop of a hat. He had my mum to the point where we all though if he doesn't go she will have a nervous break down.

He was also smelly. My mum would wash him every night but he would leave it too late to go to the toilet and wet himself or would miss the bottle hole (he would wee into a bottle). Every morning my poor mum would have to scrub the toilet down before me and my sister could use it as he would go and get poop everywhere including up the walls.

I was the only child left who would speak to him and its because I felt I had to in order to help mum. If I stopped speaking to him he would get angry and take it out on mum. My eldest sister had moved out and only spoke to him when she had to. My other sister stopped talking to him about 2 years ago.

So now when I go to the nursing home to see him he is all happy to see me but I can't wait to get out of there. Then he will start talking about things I don't want to hear (sayign he is going to die in there and he wants to go home). Then when I go to leave he wants a hug and it makes me want to vomit when he hugs me.

I know I probably sound horible but since the age of 12 (when he started getting angry at me aswell) all I've known of my dad is him yelling at me and my family.

I know I shouldn't feel this way but I can't help it. I really don't like him and would be happy if I never had to see him again. But I have to.


What I want to know is how do I get over this? I doubt ill ever like him again I guess somewhere deep down inside I love him but right now its not surfacing. I have to see him this weekend and I am really not looking forward to it.

Any advice on what I can do to either get over this or at least make me like him a little would be appreciated.

You are not in an easy position to have to face an unpleasant visit with a man you aren't fond of, but, out of obligation you go.

The events you described in your home were likely the very worst of the behaviour, and was what precipitated his move to a nursing home. It would have been terrible to live under such circumstances, for all of you, including your father.

The plus side is, he is happy and well cared for, and you and your mother have some peace of mind with him being there. That is nothing to feel guilt over, but you are still faced with an obligation right now to make the obligatory visits with his treats, while your mother is away.

That doesn't mean you have to like him. Maybe think of these visits as a small price to pay for no longer having to live the way you did while he was at home. Make the best of it and resolve yourself to the fact that for now, once a week isn't so bad. If you are feeling resentful and upset about the prospect of seeing him, skip a week, and instead leave his treats with staff, along with a message that you just aren't feeling well and don't want to spread anything around.

If he can still read the newspapers, bring him in some papers, maybe a magazine, or a deck of cards. Read to him if he can't read- even the headline stories, and playing a few simple games of cards will pass the time more quickly. Leaving him with something to do after you have gone, will have him feeling a little less lonely.

I'm glad that you are holding this together, regardless of how you feel. Many would simply not bother, but you carry on, for all the right reasons. He is your father, and I'm sure his visits are golden with you. At least to him.

Enjoy the good, and set the bad aside while you are there. Try to think of him simply as an elderly person in a nursing home who needs human contact for an hour or so a week, and keep the thoughts focused on having a 'busy' visit.

There will be plenty of time for reflection in the years to come. For now, I guarantee you, you will not regret making the most of that short time with him every week.

Thanks I guess I feel guilty for putting there in the first place but also I feel guilty for not liking him.

I mean he is my father and yes he has done a lot wrong but I mean he could have been worse. He never laid a hand on me and when I was little he woul play barbies with me or colour in with me. So in some ways he was a good father but the most recent years I can't push aside.

He can't read unfortunately but he used to like hand held game of cards. Haven't been able to find one that he could use though. But ill keep looking.

I would usually go in once a month or once every 6 weeks to make him happy. But seeing him so much really gets to me. I can only imagine how my mum feels as she feels compelled to go see him as his family won't and she put him in there.

My sense of your dilema here, is that you are a great kid. Good conscience, trying to do the right thing. Just keep on doing what you are doing, and try to take a deep breath when the visit is over, and feel proud of yourself for putting your needs aside, for him.

There is no book that I am aware of that points out you have to like your parents, or siblings, or grandparents etc. Having the status of 'relative' or 'parent' does not necessarily equate to a loving relationship.

Somehow we are supposed to feel a certain way, regardless of what type of person they are, or how they treated us. But truly, the reality is, you feel how you feel, for your own reasons, and nothing or nobody can say that is not justified.

What gets me about you is, that despite everything, you carry on. You are a far better person than I am for being able to provide happiness to a person who caused you so much grief.

Venting is a good thing. So is chocolate. The two together with a bottle of wine or a few beer, is even better. Add Sven to the mix... just kidding you. What I'm saying is, make sure you take small rewards for yourself, and do something that brings you pleasure and happiness, just the same as your father takes that from you. It may be a task to make your visits pleasant for him, but realize that you too, need to enjoy time for yourself, after that is done.

I agree that it must be very difficult for your mom. You taking that one task off her shoulders probably means so much. Great that she has taken time for herself away from the situation, with a holiday. I hope she has a great time.

Vent if you need to, but I encourage you to keep on doing exactly what you are doing. In the end, it will be worth the effort.

Haha thanks but chocolate isn't my friend in the weight department and I don't really drink. But I think some Low fat Ice cream for next Saturday night hehe.

Thanks for the kind words makes me feel better about how I feel.

Aimee, it's never easy on the kids when a parent is ill, can no longer care for themselves. Having to witness him wetting himself, or defecating all over, that's a lot to handle for anyone. Sadly it's not something in his control, which is why he's in a nursing home.

My only advice to you is to try to forget those years when things were bad, and focus on the good memories, remember your dad when he was healthy, played barbies with you, and the joy that brought you.

He obviously loves you very much, but that doesn't mean you have to love him. My only concern is how you'll feel when he passes away. I don't ever want you to have regrets, so, if you can, try to get to know the man he was, the man that went away when he became ill. I'm sure that man is still in there, and he's probably ashamed, sad, lonely, because he can't do anything about what he's physically become. He can't be the dad he wants to be.

This is in your hands, and you're doing the right thing. I know it's not easy to forget the past, but for the both of you it would be the best thing if you could.

If you want to talk, we're here. :)

The thing is the anger was there when he would play barbies with me but he didn't take it out on me then because I was little and didn't put him into his place when he got angry. But when I became 12 - 13 and started telling him to stop yelling and he was in the wrong he started to turn his anger on me.

Also since my elsest sister left and my other sister doesn't talk to him and has been over seas the past year and a half I have gotten all his anger. He gets angry at me then he gets angry with mum and takes it out on me as well as her.

Ive tried to get over it but even in the nursing home he gets angry at my mum when she says she can't take him home as she can't look after him anymore. He knows what he has done to my mum but still only thinks of himself.

He likes the nursing home because we told him we would look for somewhere else and he said no he will stay there. The Sister at the nursing home told my sister that she could see within 30 minutes of him being there that he was a very selfish man.

Maybe its all too fresh maybe in a year or 2 ill be able to get over it and be able to have a conversation with him without thinking I just want to get out of here.

Here is my take on everything your saying. And maybe another way to approach it. Often when couples divorce you move from one type of relationship to another. Sometimes after huge fights with siblings it's the same thing and so on. To navigate this area and time of your life maybe you can develop a business relationship with your dad until something changes. You might have to look up what that means. But the essence of it is the same way you would treat business partners or coworkers. Being jaded because of a bad situation and being obligated because of a parent or loved one is one of the most difficult things. You just need to figure out where your personal line in the sand is. As the others have said look what your doing not just for him but for your mum. No one can count the rewards your reaping from it. Sometimes in a goal or accomplishment its not about getting the task done but the road that takes you there. This is one of those moments. Letting bitterness inside can plant a seed so its like looking in the mirror. That's not what you want. SO consider a business relationship and not be cold about it and you might find yourself able to sleep easier. Its worht a try.

My mum was a schizophrenic and very difficult to live with, violent, embarrassing, and a whole lot more. When I was young and she was in a special care home, I found it difficult to forget all the things she had done to me when she lived at home and I resented having to go and see her and take care of her needs when she never could take care of mine as a child.

I told myself she was just a sick lady and it was my act of charity and didn't really think of her as a mum for quite a while. This enabled me to distance myself from the negative emotions whilst still doing my duty. In time, as I began to really understand how much her illness affected her and let go of my own pain from the past I could reclaim her as my mum - granted not one who could ever act the way we think mums are supposed to be, but still that's the way the dice fell.

She is dead now and I'm very glad I maintained contact and was eventually able to find peace in my heart for all the past hurts.

You have already been given lots of good advice here and I sincerely hope it helps. I would just add don't beat yourself up about your feelings - when parents fail us it hurts, but hopefully time will heal the wounds. Thinking of you and wishing you well.

Thanks everyone ill try what you have said and hopefully things will get easier.

Thanks :)