I became friend with this guy since April. We were more of phone/email buddies, but I started to like him a lot and he was very responsive to my calls in the beginning, but the more I became interested in him, the more I tried to reach out to him. Then finally last week he told me that, "lets be friends and call each other occaisionally." I never expressed my feelings to him so I don't believe he ever realized how I felt about him. So when he said that to me last week, I tried to "behave", but then I lost it and called him on Friday, but from a public phone. Then he kind of blasted off and said, "this is getting weird and lets just stick with emails." I feel like crap since then. I feel so devastated because I blew it! I wish he knew how I feel about him. I tried to call and sent him emails. I want to apologize to him and want him to talk to me for the last time and accept my apologies. What should I do? I am in desperate help and so heartbroken, feel guilty, rejected. Help!! Iris

Sounds to me like he does not at all feel the same way about you as you feel about him. I'm sorry as this is an awkward situation. I assume you two met in person, correct? I can't tell if you met online or what.

Either way, he wants nothing more than friendship, that is for certain. Take his hint. If you can't handle friendship because of your feelings, then I would suggest cooling off on the contact altogether.

Yes, we did meet in person. But shouldn't I tell him how I felt about him or at least apologize for how I did not respect his wish.


And also have to mention that I really miss our phone calls, emails...

Stop yourself.

Your sounding needy and a little desperate.

You have fallen for this guy,or at least that's how it sounds,he does not feel the same way.

I doubt he wants an apolige.

Give him lots of space,if you do have feelings for him the best thing to do is not contact him...

Save yourself the heartache of falling deeper for someone who is not interested in a romantic relationship.

I think this is where you back off, way off, just leave him alone, before you make it much worse than what it is.

No apology necessary. Just learn from the mistake, and do better.

He does not need to know how you feel about him. It does not matter as he only likes you as a friend.
The more you try and contact him, the more you freak him out and he's not even going to want you as a friend.
I suggest you leave him alone altogether and get over him. You're sounding a bit obsessed.
Your really liking a person does not mean they have to like you and you're telling them how much you like them isn't going to change how they feel about you.

Thanks everyone for your answers. But how to get over the feeling of being rejected. I come from failed marriage, abusive husband. A very low self-esteem and I want to be loved, to be pursued, but always hit the dead-end...

Have you ever thought about doing some counseling?
Everyone has been rejected in one way or another and we all handle it differently.
Talk to a professional. It may only take a few sessions to help you understand that not everything is a rejection and give you tools to handle it. Sometimes people just don't gel. It's not personal. Some people are just cruel, it's not you, but them.
I hope you will consider talking to someone. I really think it will help you.
I'm sorry these things have happened to you, and I wish you well.

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But how to get over the feeling of being rejected.

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By moving on and not taking it personally as its more about them, and what's going on in their lives than you. Most times we don't know them very well, and they may NOT be who we think they are when we meet them. No way to know after they pull back from us. Why feel bad, if they don't want what we want, when we want it because they are jerks, or having a rough time.

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I come from failed marriage, abusive husband.

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That's rough, but I hope you have a proper healing, and rebuild your life around the things you enjoy, and positive activities and people.

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A very low self-esteem and I want to be loved, to be pursued, but always hit the dead-end...

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Maybe adjust your thinking to not look for love, but look to love yourself, and make yourself happy with what you do. That's all about building a life that you enjoy for yourself, that makes you happy, and you will attract someone who wants to share that happiness with you.

It starts with being happy with yourself, so I hope you find that happiness, and let love find you.

You may think that you didn't let your feelings be known about him, but, I think you did. I doubt this is the first time a friendship/relationship has gone this way.

...but the more I became interested in him, the more I tried to reach out to him. Then finally last week he told me that, "lets be friends and call each other occaisionally.


He knew by your actions, words, etc. that you were interested, and obviously you were. He backed off, and still offered to keep in touch via phone.

That didn't go so well, and he was creeped out by your phone call as you said. STILL he said, keep in touch by email.

Now you have pushed him further away by calling, and emailing. What don't you understand, I really am curious. If that is a man who doesn't want anything to do with you, and HIS actions are very, very clear- why do you insist on continuing to contact him, to 'apologize' for your 'mistake'?

If this situation were reversed, the word 'stalking' would be peppering the responses you are getting if you were a man, instead of a woman.

You are not picking up, what he is putting down here.

Please, take the hint, and leave this man alone. You are feeling desperate and heartbroken because you have created a situation, and insist upon pursuing it, despite all the obvious reasons not to.

If self esteem or other personal issues are in part, responsible for the way you are thinking and behaving, I suggest as others have, try counselling, if you haven't already.

One reason I pursue him is because we used have intellectual dialogues. He reads a lot and taught me a lot about a few things within this short period. Spiritually, intellectually we were connected and I enjoy that in a friendship...

So maybe it wouldn't hurt for you to read and connect yourself to intellectual stimulation. Cool thing about knowledge is that anyone can find it.

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Originally Posted by icroft

one reason I pursue him is because we used have intellectual dialogues. He reads a lot and taught me a lot about a few things within this short period of time. Spiritually, intellectually we were connected and I enjoy that in a friendship...

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This is beginning to sound more of a teacher/student relationship. How did you meet him, and was it in a professional way?

You say, "one reason I persue him is because........"

You said 'persue', not 'persued', as in the past.

Please tell me if you see any reason now, that you should still be pursuing him, and as to all the other questions, and comments about this being unbalanced- with you pursuing him, and him asking you not to- are you saying that the 'intellectual dialogues' you had is the reason?

What was your relationship with him before this 'friendship' developed? How and where did you meet him.

Whatever you want to call it, doesn't justify crossing boundaries to be intellectually stimulated.

I think you may been lonely and you felt comfortable with him, but that doesn't mean he is the person for you. There is a line between friendship and exclusivity.
Back away from this guy. There are others out there, but in the meantime, talk to someone who can help you with your feelings of rejection. You have been hurt and you need to heal.

He teaches Sunday School to 4th graders (CCD). The first time we met, he invited me to come and speak to children. This is how we met and I like him in our first meeting. Then we met again to visit an art exhibit on Mother's Day. He gave me a card and took me out to dinner. Then we started talking on the phone, just intenellectual/spiritual conversations which I love to talk about. He always asked about my daughter who is 18. He is divorced. He seemed like a very caring person and I blew it...

OK. I think we are getting to the meat and potatoes finally.

In his professional position, he asked you to speak to a class of children. An invitation to an art exhibit- was this also with the group of children, or was it an actual date. I presume something along the lines of the former, because if it were an actual date, he would have picked you up, and taken you home afterwards, but you met him there.

When he gave you a card and took you out for dinner, was it just the two of you? Was it to thank you for your volunteer work? Were there other people there as well. Was it an actual date, as in, with a potential suitor? Or was it an informal meeting to thank you in a kind way for helping him out.

I get the impression that there were no further 'dates' with him, as the relationship, as it were, was a phone relationship after that, and although he politely asked about your daughter, the conversations were intellectual/spiritual as you said, and not in a lover's, or even serious friendship kind of way. I don't get the impression he shared any serious personal issues with you, or brought that kind of information to the table to build any sort of relationship on.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I do not see that he pursued you.

While he may have been, or seems even now, to be a 'good catch', he is clearly not interested.

My best advice to you, is to take the signs he has given you, and the things he has said to you, realize he's made it clear there is no relationship and move on.

I see your point. You are right. No personal issues and the exhibit was just the two of us and dinner afterward. And yes there no more dates of the visit to the exhibit/dinner. No I was not pursued. I remember a line from a movie, a woman is in love with a guy but the guy is in love with another woman and the line says, "he is pursing her; you are pursuing him; who is pursuing you?" but it sure hurts... and I keep blaming myself for losing this friendshipo... thanks so much for your help.

icroft,

Don't be too hard on yourself. We have all been in your shoes at one time or another. Those feelings of love, toward another person, can cloud judgment, and cause a lot of potential trouble.

You could also look at this another way. Had you not pushed the envelope a little bit, you would have been left forever wondering 'what if'. But now you know.

I suspect his perhaps stronger than normal reaction to you pursuing him, is likely because of his professional status. An automatic reaction to shut down so things do not go any further.

Your best friend is time right now. And distance. You might want to get a diary going in case you have thoughts again of actively pursuing him, and this will help you, help the moment pass. I promise you, you will feel better in time.

Take good care of yourself.

The bottom line is that he's not interested in pursuing a deeper connection with you. It's not that you did something wrong. He did spend the time to get to know you better and realized that he's not longer interested. If anything, he's doing you a favor by not leading you on and giving you false hope.

6+ billion other people out there, I'm sure you can find other intellectual people that you can have a connection with. You just need to go out and meet them.