I am a divorced lady aged 57 and am so overcome with lonliness I feel I don't want to live anymore. My husband left me 12 years ago and married somebody he had had an affair with. I lost everything including my house. I had a very close relationship with my daughter until she suffered post natal depression and completely turned on me for not looking after her other children every weekend and some times during the week but I was working full time and desperately trying to keep my head above water. I gave her all the help I could but it wasn't enough for her and she has told me she will never forgive me and refuses to discuss it. She is no longer depressed but still holds it against me. My lovely mum is nearly 80 and not in good health, she lives 180 miles away and I try to see her every 6 weeks but feel such a bad daughter as I know she is lonely too. I do speak to her every day. I work full time, have joined clubs and gone on courses. I have friends and try to exercise on a regular basis. What else can I do to overcome such deep routed lonliness? I often cry for the times when the children were small and I was married. I look at families when I am out and so wish my life had turned out differently, that somebody loved me. I have had a couple of relationships but I am not healed enough for anything to last and where would I find somebody at my age anyway. How can I die without it looking like suicide,

No one here will help you assist suicide or recommend ways that would make your suicide look like a natural death. To begin with, it's illegal.

Have you tried speaking to a therapist or a friend in depth about your loneliness and sadness, perhaps depression?

Sounds like life has given you some really hard knocks. You are suffering and grieving over a marriage that ended 12 years ago. Do you think that is excessive? I don't know - everyone has her own time frame for healing.

As far as another relationship, you will have to get your life together before you bring in someone else.

Have you tried writing your daughter a letter, not accusatory, telling her how you feel, how hurt you are by the emotional distance between you?

You need to speak to someone who can help you find answers.

Based on the limited information provided it would seem that circumstances have placed you in emotional isolation. Lack of meaningful interaction with your mother and daughter or significant other. There's the absence of those little elements that we take for granted. The reassurance that "somebody loves you" is very important. I can see why you feel lonely at the moment. This is of course very different from social interaction, i.e. the work, friends, courses etc. More along the line of being alone in a room full of people.

Looking back to when the children were young and you were married is certainly normal reminiscence but creates an unrealistic comparison for the present. That can't be resurrected. It derived from a different time and emotional set. What needs to be worked on is improving your current circumstances, changing what you can and accepting those that cannot be altered.

Maybe you are so confounded by dwelling on past issues that you're unable to recognize here-and-now strategies for resolving your loneliness and despair. That happens to many of us.

You should consider contacting a CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) therapist. CBT focuses on maladaptive patterns of thinking (we all have them, can't see the forest for the trees, type thinking) and the beliefs that underlie such thinking. Adaptive alternatives are developed by you and the counselor, together. Overall it is problem-focused, goal-directed and generally short term. It isn't necessary to see a psychiatrist, or even a family doctor, although if it's of benefit you can obtain a referral (say for insurance) as it is an accepted therapeutic modality.

Of course, this is just a suggestion, based on very limited information however it strikes me that you would be an excellent candidate. If this seems plausible please advise and I'll try and find a locator system for CBT practitioners.

Thank you for your reply, at the moment I just cannot see a way forward. I would give CBT a try but I am not sure I will be able to afford private therapy. Please can you tell me the cost?

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Originally Posted by lonley100

Thank you for your reply, at the moment I just cannot see a way forward. I would give CBT a try but I am not sure I will be able to afford private therapy. Please can you tell me the cost?

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If you will provide a major city near you I can try and find some resources to narrow it down, and you can take it from there. The cost will vary by region, practice type, etc. In many areas counseling services can be obtained on an ability-to-pay basis. Don't let that be an obstacle. We will find something that will get you looking up.

Lonely,

It is okay to feel the way you do, with or without reasons. It is sometimes a very long process to make sense of things, and move past them. It is not uncommon to grieve the loss of anything significant in your life, and time is different for everyone. I get the impression that there have been many losses, and the losses have added to just the struggle to survive. Emotionally, if we were to look at what you have been through as emotional assaults, you are recovering from the beating on the outside, but being still trying to heal on the inside.

What you do possess, is strength. Endurance. Self control. Selflessness. You are reliable, you keep to your goals, even if those goals are getting through working until next payday. You get it done, and you have managed to put it all together to get it done, for many years.

I'm not so sure that the focus on you and your husband's split is the cause of where you are now. I think that you may focus on that, because had you worked it out and stayed together, your life would not be so difficult. He is ancient history, and save for a dartboard with his face on it in your brain that you take aim at from time to time- he is not responsible for how you think, or what you do, or how you live your life.

Any therapy you choose to seek or research, is entirely up to you. I personally wouldn't start anything without a complete physical- when is the last time you had a regular checkup. Get the works- bloodwork, everything. Rule out any factors that could be contributing to how you are feeling now.

If you choose to, make the effort to go through your yellow pages, and seek out counsellors. Mention Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and perhaps there are qualified people in that area. Please don't be afraid to seek this type of help. Nothing is pressured, or expected of you- you are the one in charge. A good CBT is a guide and a mentor, providing the tools you need to make the changes you want to make. Helping identify them, is half the battle.

Do some research online. Find any women's resource, and contact them for possible help and/or referral to counselling. Money is not an issue.

Where you are right now Lonely, is not a place where you have to stay. You have options, and you have resources. That you are here gives me hope that you are at least thinking about turning your life around, and in CBT, that IS the first step. The next step is action.

Please don't give up, you have a whole lot of living to do. Think of taking that step, as the first of many manageable steps that will give you your life back under your own power and control. You can do it, you can turn this all around.

Thank you for your faith in me, it does mean a lot. I know I have a lot left over from the way I was treated as a child. I am a very sensitive person and can weep buckets for other people's pain but I can't cry for my own, if I could it may release some of my sadness but it just won't happen. I was married for over 20 years and desperately didn't want my chidren to feel the pain of divorce or to lose their home, I feel so guilty and keep thinking I should have done something more to to stop it. Please trust me when I say I am grateful for what I do have and I know other people have so many more problems, it's just this constant pit in my stomach and the lonliness I find so hard to live with. I I feel so old and washed up. I will look into therapy locally. Bless you all for your replies x

Everyone who is divorced or widowed (and I've been both) lives with a whole list of would have/could have/should have.

It's part of the grieving process.

Take comfort in knowing you did the best you could with what you knew at the time - and life takes twists and turns.

You are on an adventure and this is just a bump in the road.

Life is beautiful and you know it deep inside.
Yes of course there's is a lot bad
But it's not worth losing your life for.
Love yourself more and there's a lot to love!
Be a little bit narcissistic adore yourself make good for yourself
Buy things for yourself find a someone to spend time with
To share your love..
And you got a lot of love!