Ok so is my husband still in love with his ex fiancé? I have been married for almost two years. About four years before I met my husband he was engaged to another lady and had to leave the country they lived in abruptly and therefore their relationship died because of the distance. He assured me that he is not in love with her and has no feelings for her and they are no longer in touch. Yesterday I went through his messages and found that his ex had found him on Facebook and he had written her an email which said that (a) he regrets leaving the country but more importantly regres leaving her (b) he still thinks about her a lot. I confronted him about this and he told me he is over her and doesn't think about her and I am not second fiddle to her. Is he lying? Should I believe him or what I saw in black and white? Please help

Okay, you saw it in black and white and you thought you read between the lines. Thinking about her is not cheating, you are stretching the truth and showing you are insecure in your relationship. If you harp on this heartbroken it is going to go from bad to worse, so put it out of your mind.

Tick

Seeing is believing so if he responded to a post she made or email that was addressed to him then its right there in front of you. Most of us remember ex's in some way but if its over its over. From what your stating this is some kind of game on his part. That is a very dangerous game on his part. This in my opinion needs to be monitored.

Could he just be letting her down easily? Is this just his apology for leaving abruptly? Most good humans have regrets and guilt to deal with when they have hurt others, and this could well be the case.

I wouldn't jump to conclusions, but this IS something he should be very honest about with you, if nothing else, to reassure you about YOUR relationship, and keep you from getting carried away, or over anxious.

That's where the HONEST communications have to start. I think maybe he was unpacking his past baggage that you were aware of, so push for talking and listening, not angry confrontation, or useless accusations.

I hear what you are saying but I also know that in terms of ex's it is normal to still think of them.. I don't think he's cheating.. People fall in love and for some relationship deep feelings have a way of lingering especially when things didn't end badly... I have an ex whom I'm still in contact with and I love very deeply and he I... however I am with someone else and he knows not to ever cross that boundary and I will never betray the person I'm with for him.. hes like my best friend so to speak... its normal for you to feel a little twinge of jealousy because this person shared time and love with him... but if he told you that you are not second fiddle to her then believe him... no reason to doubt unless he gives you a reason to.. it only causes drama and problems in the marriage... if you have unanswered questions then talk to him about them.. but don't assume..

I have posted this a thousand times - I'm an investigator.

Did OP "go through his messages" behind his back? If so, why? It's a case of not asking a question unless you're prepared for the answer.

I would no more dream of going through my husband's email than I would think of going through his wallet. You either trust or you don't.

I question why OP is insecure enough to be snooping - if she is.

That's the bigger question.

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Originally Posted by heartbroken2010

Ok so is my husband still in love with his ex fiance? I have been married for almost two years. About four years before i met my husband he was engaged to another lady and had to leave the country they lived in abruptly and therefore their relationship died because of the distance. He assured me that he is not in love with her and has no feelings for her and they are no longer in touch. Yesterday i went through his messages and found that his ex had found him on facebook and he had written her an email which said that (a) he regrets leaving the country but more importantly regres leaving her (b) he still thinks about her a lot. I confronted him about this and he told me he is over her and doesn't think about her and i am not second fiddle to her. Is he lying? Should I believe him or what i saw in black and white? Please help

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Well, obviously he is lying about not thinking about her or he wouldn't have said it to her. Perhaps clumsily, he likely was trying to reassure you that he is happy being married to you. As others have said, people think about their exes from time to time. On occasion, I'll think about my ex, and in some ways will always love him as he is the father of my kids, but I would not want to be married to him again.

I could see him perhaps responding with a "hi, how have you been", but it shouldn't have gone beyond that. Certainly not that he regrets leaving her and thinks about her a lot.

Her contacting him likely brought up remembering old feelings and reminicing about old times, but I think he shared more than he should have.

Is it cheating? Depends on how someone defines cheating... regardless it's not appropriate, I can understand your hurt, and I think you two need to do some more talking.

Define cheating. Big question, but some people think cheating is their husband watching porn. I don't think that is cheating. Thinking about an ex, I don't think that is cheating. Everyone has thoughts in the back of their head and memories are something we can't wipe out on a whim. I think about all of my past b/fs, and I am 68 (can you imagine how many that was). I happen to have a good memory and remember all of them. So is that cheating on my husband, no I don't think so. I am in constant contact with old acquaintances because we share memories, funny moments. That is life, a good part of life as far as I am concerned.

So, someone define cheating. Cheating is meeting an ex, and having intimate moments. That's cheating. That is not what happened here as far as we know.
Hubby is only human.

Tick

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I question why OP is insecure enough to be snooping - if she is.

That's the bigger question.

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Some people are naturally insecure. It comes right along side immaturity. One can still be immature at 40. It doesn't mean her husband has done anything wrong previously; she just may be naturally insecure. Someone always looking for the wrong in the right. Maybe she has too much time on her hands to sit and think and find fault.

I am not saying this is the case, but isn't it what we are here for to get ideas out there so they can picked apart to find the right answer.

Okay, tell me to shut up, I am rambling, Judy.

Tick

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Originally Posted by tickle

Some people are naturally insecure. It comes right along side immaturity. One can still be immature at 40. It doesnt mean her husband has done anything wrong previously; she just may be naturally insecure. Someone always looking for the wrong in the right. Maybe she has too much time on her hands to sit and think and find fault.

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Exactly my point - she's very insecure, she checks his mail (or Facebook or whatever), gets upset by what she finds, corners him, he says it's nothing - and she doesn't believe him.

I do thinkt here is emotional cheating, too (incidental to this question). When the husband goes to someone else instead of the wife when there's a problem, when he needs emotional support - I consider that cheating.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

When the husband goes to someone else instead of the wife when there's a problem, when he needs emotional support - I consider that cheating.

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Emotional cheating (turning to someone for emotional support) usually turns into the intimate kind. So yes, I agree.

Tick

I agree tickle... the only comments that stand out to me are that he says he "regrets leaving her" and thinks about her "a lot". To me, that carries a slightly different connontation than if he had said he had sometimes wondered how she was doing the last couple of years.
Reignighting a friendship, having a laugh over past situations, sharing what your are doing in your lives now, is one thing... and that may be all this is or will become since it appears it was just this one conversation.
As Judy asked, did she have reason to be suspisious that caused her to snoop in the first place? It doesn't have to be cheating if it appears a bit more intimate than she feels is appropriate and causes her concern.
I'd try to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe him and just see how things go... but I wouldn't be overly pleased to see my husband saying those things to his ex either.

I don't think that he went to her for support.. I think it was more of a settling unspoken feelings about the way things ended...

I didn't say he went to her for support. Tick and I were "talking" about what constitues cheating and what does not.

Sorry mustve missed a post I refreshed but only saw the one.. but the posts are coming in after I'm posting

It sounds to me that your husband and his ex fiancé, left a little business unfinished. That would be 'the end' part of their relationship.

By the way your post reads, you had talked to him about her, before you went through his email looking for 'proof' of your suspicions. Why were you suspicious, and why did you need reasurance, and why was his explanation not believeable.

There must have been something wrong for her to come up in the first place.

You have quoted only parts of what you read. Are those his actual words, or is the context more extensive. You say he said he is no longer in touch with her, so if she's removed from his address book, and his Facebook, why is she still a problem for you.

If what you have written here is exactly what he said, point blank, short simple sentences, then I'd be very concerned if it were me. But, if this is only bits of an entire email that also included more about his present than his past (including you), then you are probably reading too much into this. If he isn't in touch with her as he has told you, why are you hanging onto the possibility that he's up to no good.

The 'other woman' may not be after your husband, that's something to consider too. Perhaps he is responding to her inappropriately. I have several friends on my Facebook, who were former boyfriends, and never has it happened that any one of them has said they regret leaving me. In fact, one became a minister, and apparently that was my fault... :confused:

In other words, the friend connection is only a light hearted occasional sharing of information, usually about mutual friends, family etc. and not geared to breaking up a marriage, or arranging an affair. At least in my experience.

If you go looking for proof, and you find something, and turn it into concrete evidence, you may be short changing him, and yourself, especially if what you have found is already after the fact, as in, he is no longer in contact with her.

I think she is more worried about him doing to her, what he did to the ex, than anything else, and that's was her need to snoop. She was afraid, and now after snooping, she is even more afraid.

My buddy did the same thing on MySpace a few years ago.

His reasoning was he just want to tease that girl so she can respond and stroke his ego. He had no intention of cheating, he just wanted to put a carrot in front of her face and see if she'd go for it. Well, his fiancé found the conversation and it cut her deep. In fact, we were talking about it on Friday.

As for what to believe I don't know, it's really a judgement call on your end. He may have meant those words, or he may have just wanted an extra ego boost. It sucks either way which is understandable.

It’s not technically cheating…Society is putting a lot of issues in the cheating category these issues, in my opinion don’t belong. Sexting, Watching porn, sending an e-mail for example is not cheating. These actions are inappropriate.

The fact he contacted her is inappropriate.

Yes, he is lying. If he is not lying to you then he is at least lying to her. What purpose would he have to lie to her?

As far as you leaving him.. Does he make you happy and feel loved?

If your answer yes, then stay, but you make sure he knows how you feel about the situation.

If your answer is no, leave.

I think that if he was last involved with his ex girlfriend four years before he married his wife, that makes six years since he's had contact with his ex girlfriend. He's been married two years.

If he is mixing it up with the ex of six years ago, and what the OP says is true, the thing that gets me is, she confronted him before she went snooping in his email/facebook. So, I suspect there was contact prior with him, and the woman from his ancient past. (In today's terms)

Maybe she will return with a bit more information.

I have some questions:

1. How long did you know him before you married him? Did he give you any indication that he was still pining for his ex before you married him? Did he tell you about the ex and that he is over her before you married him? Have you been paranoid about her coming back into his life and not believing him when he said/says it was over a long time ago?

2. According to what you wrote he had not been in contact with her for over six years (four years until he met you, plus the time you dated, plus the two years of your marriage.) SHE contacted him on FaceBook. He did not go looking for her. Was that the only email between them? How long ago was it written/sent? Had she responded? He kept a copy of his sent mail. That is not a person trying to cover his tracks or hide anything.

3. Was that the entire email or the pieces that bothered you? Was it in response to a specific question(s) from her? Did you take parts of the email out of context?

4. Regrets happen. Especially if he had to leave quickly and there wasn't much resolution to their relationship. If it felt like abandonment to either one of them, there could be regret over causing pain and hurt. It doesn't mean he regrets the life he has today or being with the woman he is with and says he loves. Has he given you any indication that he regrets the present or the future you are building together?

5. 'Thinking' of her in the context of talking to her and you may be very different.

Does he think about living in that other other country and what he did there that she was a part of? Does he think about old times and old friends when something triggers a memory like a certain movie, song, smell or news report makes him wonder if everyone he knew is okay or where are they now?

Are you asking about him 'thinking' of her in terms of 'is she still available', 'does she still love me as much as I love her', dreaming of what their life would be like if he wasn't married to you and other very intimate thoughts? Is that what he thought you were asking?

6. Do you love him and trust him?