Ask Me Help Desk - I love my wife too much

We have been married for almost 17 years. I have always loved her too much... getting very little or nothing in return. I'm sure she loves me, but more like someone would love their favorite pair of socks. We have sex maybe five or six times a year... she has never really been "interested" even though once she does finally "give in" she does seem to really enjoy it... but as soon as she climaxes she is DONE. No touching, no cuddling... nothing. She used to let me perform oral on her, and she would always have an orgasm, but then she was done and would only "let" me have intercourse with her out of obligation -- asking "are you done?" so often that I would just fake it... but now she won't even let me touch her genitalia... let alone use my mouth. We haven't really kissed since long before we were married... once or twice early on in the heat of the moment she would ask me to kiss her... but I must not have met her expectations because it was one kiss and then nothing and now it is NEVER. She insists it is just because she has a low sex drive. I was her first... we broke up for a few months when she was in college and she dated another guy. I found out from friends that she LOVED kissing him and that the sex was AMAZING. I have brought that up a few times -- HUGE mistake. She gets furious and insists that she just said those things to get back at me... but I do know that they did kiss a lot and that they had sex several times after they "broke up"... we got back together and I married her less than a year later... I love her dearly... I just wish I could have her affection... she insists that she is just not an affectionate person. I wish I could believe that, but I know that she has been very affectionate with someone else... sure that was over 18 years ago... but what am I supposed to think? I know now that my "neediness" is a huge turnoff for her... what can I do? I am lovesick for this woman... it has killed myself esteem. I am a very, very sensual person. I would love nothing more than to be able to give her pleasure... but I am getting tired of laying awake at night in tears just dying to be touched... am I crazy?

Sorry for the rambling... this is very difficult for me to talk about so I just had to "get it out there"... PLEASE HELP.

I was going to ask you why you married her when I read this: "We haven't really kissed since long before we were married..." I couldn't imagine marrying someone who refused to kiss me. But, after reading the remainder of your post, it is obvious you are head over heels for your wife and logic simply doesn't apply here. Your post was truly heartbreaking to read. I am so sorry you are feeling unloved by your wife. I can't imagine being in this kind of relationship. It sounds as if you have allowed your wife to walk all over you. You need help finding yourself esteem & self worth. I think it might be wise for you to seek out the help of a therapist in your area.

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Originally Posted by Just_Another_Lemming

.... I think it might be wise for you to seek out the help of a therapist in your area.

Thank you for the very kind reply... I have been through LOTS of counseling... lots of time and money. I spare you all the details, but within a three month period, my son was born with Down syndrome (turned out to be the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me) and my father and step-mother both committed suicide within three days of each other (very long story) -- I just mention these events to explain why I began seeking out a counselor... I have seen several different therapists since then, but none has been able to help me get past myself doubt... I do believe my wife does love me... just not in any kind of romantic way... I am exhausted and my heart is just crushed...

Tough story, I really feel for you. Often when we lose loved ones so tragically we cling even harder to someone else that's close to us. I think your wife has been the way she is for the whole relationship, but you have no healthy outlets for your tension, or losses, so you have become dependent on your wife to fill that hole in your soul, but she can't change.

I highly suggest you find other things, and people to interact more with, to restore a balance in your life, so you don't overwhelm your wife with neediness, and insecurities. The last thing you should be is isolated from people who are close, and I don't know if you have any family, aunts, uncles, siblings, or cousins, that you keep in touch with, or close friends with similar interests.

Its important to have a healthy balance in your life, and that's what I am sure your counselors have been suggesting to you. No way can your wife fill all your needs, and you have to be responsible for your own happiness to share with her.

I think with a healthy outlook you will get along a lot better with your wife, when your expectations are reasonable, and in a more intimate, and timely fashion. The you both can talk, and listen to each other and make the marriage a lot more satisfying out of the bedroom as well as in. Have you completely forgotten how to make love to her mind? I bet you were the giving type when you met. But now you need, and you should be able to express that, and not feel threatened by the ghosts of the past.

I am sorry I had to log off last night before responding to your second post. I am grateful that Talaniman showed up. I have to applaud & second his response.

The fact that you have been through many therapists and none have been able to help you with your self-doubt causes me concern. Winglee, there is always the possibility that you haven't found the right therapist who knows how to move you past this huge hump in the road, but I am left with more than a few questions. How much were you willing to utilize their suggestions and really attempt to work at changing the way you approach your life's problems? Were their suggestions too difficult for you to manage? Do you feel the goals/tasks that were set were impossible for you to achieve so you just negated them off the bat, or do you think their suggestions were just completely off the wall? Did any of them diagnose you with depression and put you on medication along with talk therapy? If so, have you been taking the meds & continuing the sessions? Or did you just give up after a short while?

Excellent advice and suggestions.

Wow... I just read your story and it reminded me so much of my first marriage-it is uncanny. How I got here-I got onto Google and typed in the words "i love my wife so much" because I woke up, went downstairs and became flooded with the love I feel for my wife. She is incredible! But, the key word here is "is". She truly, honestly and undeniably IS incredible. Let me tell you my story and perhaps it will help or console you.

It all began in 2006, when out of the blue my wife announced that she "did not love me anymore" Also, she had been to a lawyer and she and she wanted a divorce. Now I won't sit here and say that it was all her fault and that I was an angel and she was an uppity fro hell! But the little douche bag did initiate sex from me the night before she went on her rambunctious separation escapade. I still like to think she knew I was great in bed and she wanted to get her "last hump" in before we would never touch again. Whatever the case may be- she coldly brought on our divorce and I never saw it coming. At first it felt worse than the feeling you get when you find out your mother has died. In fact, it is like no feeling I could describe even if you gave me ten thousand sheets of paper, a bottle of Jack and profound literacy and eloquence, There is just no way to tell you... It is immeasurable loss combined with the nagging thought that my wife would be in our bed with another man touching her, putting himself inside of her and she will be relishing in it! I didn't know what to do! In the time it took her to say the words "I want a divorce" it was like my world had imploded and there was nowhere for me to turn. And the worst part about it was the fact that no matter how much I pleaded to her-she would not bend to try and sooth me or make me feel better about the situation. The cold, calculating just sat and watched me crumble into little bite sized pieces and pushed through the initial break up without even a single tear.

I had been married to her for 16 years and we never had kids- thank God. The selfish never wanted them. Now, you are reading this and listening to me call her all sorts of names and thinking -this guy is still heartbroken and still loves his ex! You, my friend, could not possibly be further from the truth. The honest truth is I truly resent this woman for wasting so much of my life. In fact I kick my own for wasting my time with such a person. I knew from the very start she was not an affectionate person. She kissed like a dead haddock and I always had to initiate sex! This is why it was so weird that she initiated sex the night before she announced the divorce. I don't think I will ever figure that one out besides the fact that she was a strange weirdo. After that night, I fell into drugs and despair. I moved out into the country in Georgia and everything fell apart. I had never been in trouble with the law and I ended up in jail. With no one else to call-I called her for help, but she called me a loser and didn't do a thing to help me. So I languished in jail for thirty days contemplating suicide. It was truly the lowest point in my entire life. This feeling of complete despair was impossible to shake. I fell into a gaggle of folks who were less than unsavory. Upon seeing the dire shape I was in, they soaked me until my last penny was certainly spent. Then my bills went unpaid, my car was repo'd and I moved back to Mass, where I spent some time in my mom's boyfriend's car at night. Ultimately, I ended up on my sister's couch and helping to take care of my nephew. It was there I spent five more years totally hating myself and drudging through life one second at a time.

I didn't start dating for two years after I was divorced because I had been married so long I hadn't a clue on how to talk to a woman. After going through some serious beasts with enough luggage to fill the hull of a Lufthansa super liner-I decided to give it all up. But just one more girl captured my consciousness-she was blond with green eyes on the pages of OkCupid. Not thinking she would be any different I sent her a little message, not truly caring if a reply came or not. But it did... The rest is such wonderful history that I did not think was possible in my life. I truly, truly thought that it was the end for me but let me tell you my friend-it was truly, truly JUST the beginning. The situation you are in now may seem sooooooooooo terrible, but it is not. If you are a good person, there is something better for you out there. You just have to believe its true. You must, must, must believe in yourself and that here is magic in life-but the trick is- YOU HAVE TO PUT IN AN EFFORT! This woman I have met is a dream, she makes the first so irrelevant and insignificant. I was only with the first because of convenience at the time-a true mistake, but not really. I would go through the same pain and hell over and over again if it meant that I would meet up with the woman I am with now. I now believe its true that everything happens for a reason. Move on my friend-she is not good enough for you. Its really true, you just have to believe it.